was it real?

it all felt so real

i'm scared and i'm on edge

it's too late it's just too late

growing up i was fascinated by the feeling of your head breaking through the water's surface
now i'm addicted to the feeling of drowning

no that's too violent, too extreme - it's not like that at all

more like falling
or floating

just letting myself fall, deeper and deeper
the sound of the world getting more and more faint
the more i fall
but it's okay because everything is so calm, so peaceful and so still

in liquid, the world freezes for me
i become fluid, the only thing that moves
the only constant thing

something that i can focus on
the feeling of falling
while the world stops around me

it's too late to try and swim back up to the surface
even if i wanted to
i can't even panic
because nothing matters at that point
the damage is done
i may be moving but my body, my mind is still

12:36 am
everyone is asleep

i'm still so lost - who am i?
what do i want?

i know i'm supposed to be tough
a little girl all grown up now
but i feel so small
so scared and so unsure

CAN YOU FEEL ME THE WAY I FEEL YOU??
DO YOU WANT ME THE WAY I WANT YOU??
DOES YOUR HEART YEARN FOR ME IN WAYS UNEXPECTED TOO??
TELL ME IM NOT THE ONLY THATS CRAZY
TELL ME THAT YOU ARE TOO

the feeling of your collar brushing against my cheek
The texture of your white shirt
It feels so good on my skin
I can feel your body underneath it
So hard and protective

The sound of your heartbeat in my ear
The feeling of your hand in mine
Your voice in my ear
The warmth between us when you take me in your arms

The softness of your lips when I tried to steal a kiss
The tear stain on your shoulders when you said not now

That thick blue denim underneath my legs when you put me on your lap

That unsureness between two familiar strangers
That deep voice when you tell me I’m pretty

The way I melt into your touch when you run your fingers through my long black hair

Us.

waiting for someone to turn the key

i ****** up again
i keep doing this over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

is anyone else scared that the kind of love they want does not exist and is unattainable? i think about it all the time

schoolbooks always thrown on the floor while i explore another world for a few hours

i have nothing else to say but i don't want to leave

i write on here for ME
because day by day my memory feels like it's fading
fading so fast

i won't understand a single word written
but i'll always know that i felt something at some point

it's time for the story to begin again i guess
i woke up
slowly, but i woke up

it stirred inside of me
i feel so alive

that cold shiver
it takes over my body
coursing through me
sapping me of my energy
a parasite
i'm a mess
long black hair

but i'll make you so happy <3

when your hands gripped the counter
when your breath got stuck in your throat

when i smiled and laughed all night long
when your eye twitched
hold it in hold it in..please (i would whisper)

you snapped
of course i saw
i felt it

i tried to convince myself that you weren't real
BECAUSE YOU DID NOT EXIST

it never worked
i couldn't shake you
i couldn't shake that feeling

i always give in to that dark bliss
that black intoxication .. so inviting and warm .. an unfamiliar place that feels so much like home

if i lost myself
what did i gain in return?

there's two sides to everything
but your hand always cups my cheek, softly
and your finger catches my tears
how can i see?

i realise now
that when my vision is blurred
it's not because i'm sad

you blinded me
deceit is just a word, but you really existed
trickery is just an act, but we really existed
danger is very real, damage is always done

can anyone hear me?
i'm screaming, but maybe these pixels aren't loud enough

W H A T    W E N T   W R O N G   W I T H   M E
       MAYBEIAMAPERFECTMISTAKE
ORMAYBEIAMJUSTNOTHING

searching for answers i guess

i hate growing up but i love it too
nothing else feels right
being young is all i know and all i'm comfortable with

it's slowly slipping away from me
i don't know how am i'm going to continue living
should i continue living?

i was surfing reddit and i saw this post on suicide watch - it felt good to know i wasn't the only one who didn't want to exist past 30 . i wonder if they're still alive? the post was 8 years ago

i wonder whether i will be alive - i mean does anyone want to live as a real adult or even be old
i hate it
life looks bleak, predictable, full of effort, monotone, repetitive

don't give me that you choose your life *******

what's wrong with me

looking . i'm always looking for something
always tracing those lines on a chipped mirror, looking for the x that marks the spot

just to feel something
just to feel something
just to feel something

i feel something

do you feel something?
because that feeling left for me as fast as it came
i just can't quite hold on to it

life feels so empty ... nothing feels real
do i even exist? i don't know what to do with myself ...truly i don't

why is everything moving so fast
i just want time to exist and nothing else

Everything that is wrong is just so comforting for me
or maybe it's because that's all i have in my life

i'm so alone - nowhere to go
    no one to go to

no one who understands

just one person, but we don't talk anymore

i'm tired of repeating myself anyways
i can't make sense of my thoughts and emotions these days
   an indescribable feeling, but not the kind you wish for

i'm alone
so alone
i need a friend

i'm so lost

it hurts
hurts so much

i want to feel again
i want time to slow down
i want time to carry me in it's arms, back in time, back to you

Intimacy, i lack
Intimacy, i crave

all i have left of it is a whisper, a single thought that I chase everyday
every last bit of it has been discarded

we don't exist anymore and it hurts
does it hurt you too?

if it hurts to breathe, just know you're about to live for the first time

i really do just exist in my mind these days

I wanna fall in love

stolen glances, natural charisma, that connection with someone, we're so into each other, heart beating fast
the promise of something new after meeting a stranger
the promise of something so beautiful

run away with my dreams
you're in my mind

ALL I DO IS CREATE SHORT TERM REACTIONS, nothing that comes from me is meant to last. When you collided with me, my body didn’t recognise what kind of element you were so I just reacted like usual but **** fizzles out the longer you’re near me. Save yourself, just because I’m reactive don’t let me drain the power out of you. Even after all this time I still can’t work out what you are, prove to me that the true reaction between us isn’t destructive enough to wipe out a city...CAN YOU DO THAT?

I was a fool to think things could be different and just to make **** equal between us...only fools fall for me.

Expert poets huh? If poetry was perfect it wouldn’t exist
You can’t follow a method
Just follow your heart, that one thought that is always on your mind, the drag of your pen against a surface, the long sigh after a hard day, the feeling of skin against yours, the feeling of a feverish Sunday afternoon nap, just follow the feeling of running away with a day dream

And you’ll be just fine

I wish i was home
In your arms

Against your skin
With the wind
Dancing across my spine

And your fingers
Intertwined in mine

Forever be mine
I love you

————

We don’t quite know eachother yet
And I have spent my life waiting
Waiting for a moment so beautiful
That I can hardly bear to take a breath

Choke me
You’re choking me
The very thought of your existence
Is what I live for

And I’ll carry on this way
Until i find you
Just so I can feel something

:

Looking out of the window
Static
Nothing moves

Lines so perfect they blur into a feverish dream
I’m waiting
I’ve been waiting so long
For something to happen
For change
Just to feel something

Trapped in these four walls
Trapped in these people
Helpless yet so strong

Untapped potential wasting away
Or is it burning slowly
Getting more powerful minute by minute

If I told you all of my secrets, there would be nothing left of me

To love without caring
To feel without being able to express
To live but without passion

Is a crime
And a world full of endless suffering

To want but never get
To dream but never fall
To **** without fearing

Is no fun

To breathe and live another day is a labour
But it is this labour that keeps us alive

Passion is what gives us the life
It’s what gives us the colour
The drive
The smiles
The pain
That red stain
Her name
His face
Heart racing
Bodies shaking
Life
Death
Hope
And rain

It’s what runs through our veins
And we’re slowly dying

Give me another hit
Just one more
Please

I’m
Hurting inside

I want to feel
I’ll do anything
Just to feel something

The stakes are high
But that turns me on
I have so much to lose
And nothing to gain

It’s all in the eyes
Can’t you tell I’m bluffing?

You feel on fire
Electric

You burn
Dark and fast
When you hear my voice

And I
I can’t breathe
When I hear yours
Because you remind me of all the times I sinned
You remind me of the dark me
The worst parts of me are in you
And when I see you, ****, those memories wash over me
Slowly
The flames lick at my body
Teasing
Threatening to destroy me

But I’m naive
You have a way of corrupting me
And all of a sudden
Like magic
My hate for you turns into white hot desire
Burning deep into the night
We’re on fire
Burning together so deliciously
Yet we try
Try so hard to put the flames out with our tears

It’s been so long
And we’ve never succeeded...

I handed the world
Every ounce of my innocence

I had them eating it out of my palm
And by the world, I mean you

I have nothing left to give anymore
You miss me
You miss that purity

But a girl will always stay innocent until touched
Until you light that fire within her
Then she’s no longer yours
**** the purity
Keep it
I don’t want it anymore

I kissed goodbye to my youth
She had a good time
But she wants a better time now
And that’s exactly what she’s going to get

we need a reason to create art

I can't shift this feeling
that things are never going to be okay again
that things will never be the same again

and this thought spins around my mind
on repeat
until i fall asleep

i'm tired of conflict
of anger
of sadness
of pain
regret
hesitance
playing the game
being one step ahead
being calculated
mysterious
having a poker face
being reserved
staying relevant
trying
everything
all these irrelevant things
all these first world problems
are so relevant

just grow up
these things are so tiny
so insignificant so pathetic
block them out

but i can't
who can?
no one
and they're lying if they say they can

i wish my heart could speak for itself
and not have to rely on my fingers to communicate its feelings

i wish my mind could control me
instead of you

I wish i didn't stay up until the stars no longer recognised me
so my soul could rest

i wish miscommunication didn't happen
so i could be happy

i wish....that you could touch me right now and make my reality disappear for a few hours

i wish i didn't have these thoughts
these little self destructive thoughts that ask for trouble
lie awake with me
take my pain away

inject me with life

but when you're gone
i regret everything
it makes me sick

and then i yearn for you once again

i guess i ****** about too much

did I lose myself or did I gain you?

who am I?
I've lost myself
I always thought that i knew myself
it was a medal that i wore proudly


but i guess that was just youthful confidence
it was false and i never knew it
i was false

ive grown up now
maybe i lost myself on the way here

who the hell am i?
i miss myself
i don't even know who that person was
but i miss them so much

come back
please

i love that we only exist at night

These tears fall like little candy drops
iridescent and soft
so tempting
you can't help but taste one

---
now you're addicted
you always need 'just one more hit'
and i'm the streets best dealer
---

i'll just have to be his little girl instead
i have been for a long time
and secretly i always will be

hit's backspace on every true emotion