My compassion for you is inconvenient

It's always 3am
just waiting for something to happen
just waiting to feel something
It's always 3am

not 4am or 5am
it's always 3am

I'll always walk down a path if it is inviting
I cannot be blamed for that

talk to me

I look up at the night sky and I wonder if our stars are the same

*

How long will it take you to reach stars?

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

I die each time I **** you

I want to see you burn with me

I wanted to write tonight
to maybe say something beautiful
or something soulful
maybe even passionate

I wanted to captivate somebody with my story
with my words
the way that I could say something

I wanted to give meaning to my ongoing thoughts
maybe some beauty too
but my heart feels really empty
I feel empty overall
I guess my soul doesn't feel all that alive

I am alive and that's it
it doesn't count for much

maybe I thought that writing could be the spark to light my fire again
I wanted it to be the surface that I would strike my one and only matchstick against
but I keep striking it
and striking it
and it's just started to look damaged

living is useless
-
what's the use of being good
when we don't exist anymore

I wish I could watch every moment of my life so far like a movie

I mean, I don't know what good that would do but I don't have a purpose for this
I just want to see things that I could not remember

I want more depth
I want to see things
and chew on them
I want answers
I just want to see



I guess I do have a purpose for this

I listened to strange music at the back of my history class when I was 12 and now I'm brain damaged

She is very much alive
and the only thing that occupies her mind is how much she doesn't want to be

- - -
she knows that this thought is wrong
but all she cares about is her beautiful energy
it's lost
somewhere in the ether

- -
she is starting to accept her fate
but living is strange to her

-
she is alive

I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

there is an energy to her walk
there is life in her every step
and when she turns to leave
she leaves an aura of death trailing after her

she is intoxicating
because she is focused

as she walks all she can think about is her beauty
she does not need to worry about her surroundings
she knows everybody is taken in by her

---
the world disappears when she walks
she is once again surrounded by beauty
intoxicated by her own beauty
and the life that radiates off of her

--
she is sure of herself
confident
magnetic
charismatic
and
electric
-
she's not alive though

I feel like we never truly age, the child inside of us just waits and bleeds

Do you know what it feels like to excel at both receiving pain and inflicting it in equal measure?

on a Sunday afternoon I told him that I love him
it took him by surprise
but he said he loves me too
and I know that he truly meant it

I meant it too
I felt every emotion that comes with love and I felt it deeply
It does not matter to me that I have no idea whether it’s platonic or romantic love
It’s still love
And it felt good…it feels good
I went where my emotions lead me to and for once it wasn’t to a dark place

I feel happy
A love that’s not defined
It’s just pure

A person once said to me ‘what is love?’ and they didn’t ask it as a question because it just can’t be questioned
and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now

there isn’t an answer or a definition

today a tear slipped down my face, out of happiness
I have learnt a lot of lessons and I’m glad that I stayed alive to learn them and to keep feeling

I will complain about life tomorrow but at least I felt today. At least I have the hope that I will feel again another day

Thank you for letting me feel the warm rays of happiness on my skin once again

Am I alone or just lonely?

I hate who I am
I hate who I have become

I wasn’t always like this
Or I guess I was never as bad as this

Maybe that is why my past haunts me
I lost something I once had
Something that came so naturally

I lost myself in many ways

But at the same time I’ve changed in so many ways for the better
Well better to some
Sometimes I feel like even the changes that are “positive” are not truly positive for me and who I am

I needed things to stay the same so i could be the same
I know change is good
But I feel like somewhere along the way I messed up and now I can’t even stand being around myself

Looking to the past is like undoing everything that has lead me up to the present day me
It’s like I can forget all the days leading up to my demise

Sometimes I’m not sure whether the past was even that great
I look upon it with such longing for those better days

I am the unreliable narrator in my own life
And I am ungrateful for the present too

Why has nostalgia got such a chokehold on me?????

One day I woke up and I was afraid to live

Staying up late to write about my emotions is never a good idea

I gain nothing and just get tired
but it’s an addiction I guess, maybe
It’s the act of writing that keeps me coming
Pouring myself into the letters of the alphabet
Even if it means a couple of drops spill

is it so wrong for me to want something good and pure?

All my life I’ve been entangled in destruction
Seeking it, causing it, craving it, deserving it
The list could go on forever

But is it so wrong to want something good?
To want something intimate and whole?
To want trust

sometimes it feels like I’m asking for too much
But what I want has to be out there somewhere
I’m not insane
This is far from irrational right?
I am deserving right?

Or can a wretched creature like me be trusted with something pure and good? Am I too tainted for what I want?

I feel tainted
I feel destined for destruction
But a part of me still hopes I can be saved

It doesn’t even hurt to break now
I’ve lost all feeling in the places where I’ve shattered and been put back together

and now even if I break more
And shatter into tiny, minuscule, incomprehensible pieces
It just wouldn’t matter at this point
And that’s why it doesn’t hurt

Maybe it’s not a bad thing
To be spared from more pain
But it would be nice to feel something sometimes
Even if it is searing hot pain

To know that I’m alive
To know that I feel

if not now, then when?

Don’t give in
Please

Don’t do this
You can’t do this
Don’t do this to me

You can’t do this to yourself
Be stronger
I believe in you

Everything you feel you need to succumb to, you are not powerless against

I’ll hold your hand
never letting go
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

I’m dreaming of being a fairy
Ethereal and other worldly
With not a care in the world

What would I do you ask?

I’d run through forests, mystical and teeming with energy
I’d bathe in a little lake under the beaming sun
Then find myself in a meadow where I could lay in the grass ****
Borrowing energy from Mother Earth
Everyday

I knew you would leave
Everyone always leaves

You hated that you didn’t have all of me
But could you blame me?
You wanted all of me because of your impatience, because of your own curiosity

You demand and I’m supposed to supply?

You never loved me
If you loved me then even having a part of me would mean something

I
I love you
In some way
And to even have a scrap of you meant everything to me

I never put you on a pedestal
But that’s love to me

You never loved me
You never loved me
You never loved me

You never love me
You never love me the way I deserve to be loved

in all of this did I lose myself? Or did I gain you?

Whatever it was, it was fleeting
Like it always has been
Like we always are

Thanks for all the good times I guess
But it’s time you learnt your place

You will cease to exist to me
You never gave me what I deserved
But i promise I will give you just that
And I mean that
I feel it
Truly
With no more regret or sadness

I’ll miss you for whatever stupid reason
But I know that if I lost myself again, I’d miss me a whole lot more

Goodbye, A

The night grew quiet and lonely
So I chased my high

*

I forced myself to
I forced myself to

every time i’m happy I think it will last forever








but it never does

The most beautiful moment in life

I'm scared
i'm so scared

I'm a scared little girl

I may have grown up but inside I'm still a scared little girl

I MAY BE ON THE CUSP OF ADULTHOOD BUT I AM A SCARED LITTLE GIRL, I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF, OF LIFE, OF DEATH, OF THE WORLD AND EVERYONE AROUND ME, MY THOUGHTS, MY BEING, THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS

im scared
and the little girl inside me always had to hide away
silenced in my haste to grow up
the haste of everyone wanting me to grow up
and live far beyond my years
and now that everything is said and done
and the damage is done
and the damage is done
all she wants to do is be a little girl
and she just wants the world to be a little kinder
maybe a little more softer on her

I want the world to see her for what she is

just a ******* the cusp of adulthood
not a woman\don't treat me like a woman just yet

but they never do
they never did

they wanted her to be in their world
where everyone was so much older than her
they shirked their responsibly towards her

and she learnt too much about the world too early


"it's a dark place out there kid, be careful, don't come around here again"

that's all they had to say
THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY

but never mind
never mind
never mind
NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND]NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND NEVER MIND

pure energy coursing through my veins
i'm alive

i'm breathing fast and it feels so good

what did I do
will God forgive me?

These feelings of guilt and disgust
I'm bathing in them
purifying myself inch by inch, in a sick and twisted way

am I a creature of hell?

I couldn't resist
the urge was just too much
it consumed me

i hate myself
was it worth it?

the desire in me screams yes
it always does

but i know it really wasn't

i'm tired of being led by desire

a sinners pathway to destruction

God please save me
have mercy

\ i could really use a friend
just this once

i wonder just how much our distance broke us
grey thoughts to red actions to nothing
a flame that barely licks at me now
a single flame
i don't always feel it
sometimes it burns
sometimes i notice it

but never mind

i don't feel like i exist
or maybe i don't feel like existing

life scares me
i'm overwhelmed
and confused

she's all ripped fishnets and random thoughts
fake vampire fangs with a thirst for fun
cherry lips that just pop
flushed cheeks that turn you on
with thoughts as cold as ice

she loves wild fantasies and getting lost in love
she fears growing up
she has no regrets but can't let go of the past

she's on the mind of everyone she meets
they just can't let her go

she's darkness in every way but oh so cute
cold hands hidden in sweater paws
and little cat ears on her head
with a love of violence

to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

push me to my limit
I just don't care
i never cared
not once
destroy me
push me to my limit
till i can't breathe

hold me close against your chest
feel my heart race
my short breath
we're on fire
thing's don't seem real anymore
blurred lines
you cross every line
feel the danger
explore the space in between black and white

don't dry my tears
don't muffle my cries
make me scream
feel the fear
voices in my head
are they real?

shout at me
hit me
be sweet to me
am i really your baby\?

take it to the next level
i want extreme
this isn't real
it can't be

i'm trying to get to you
i'm so scared
help me find my way
those veins
i won't trace them to find my way

i'm hot
and you're laughing
your name won't leave my lips
your eyes, they're blown out

is that blood?

silence is so comforting to me right now
but it frustrates me in equal measure

when i move against you
i'm alive again

these memories mean nothing, I don't need them anymore
i just sit there and romanticise things that aren't even real

the past isn't real
it was pure imagination

i'll keep telling myself that

Looking for somebody that's batshit crazy
like f*cking insane

hmu if this is you <3

if we traced the white lines on this cracked mirror
i'm sure we'd both find the x

my existence is really getting to me at the moment
living as an adult is so empty
my true feeling is that i don't know how much longer i can take this
i'm still a really long way away from something like 30 but i would honestly consider ending things there

there's just nothing
life is empty
the years worth living have been lived, there's just nothing
i can't take my own existence anymore

can anyone hear me?
or am i just screaming in to the void

you're the closest thing i ever had to intimacy , maybe that's why i refuse to let go
every part of me is sickened by you
but i crave you in equal measure

do i love you because i love you?
or do i love you because you've been here since i was a child?
because i don't know anything else but you?

you're the closest thing to home
the thing is, home to me has always been somewhere i've ran away from
but i never forget home