I have a voice .. but it keeps getting lost in the ether

The weight of my desire, heavy, like obsidian

How many times will I be burnt by my own skin?

Y’know, same old same old

The patina of your leather against my cheek
Just makes me want to hold on tighter when you ride

Separation is a poets wealth

I’m cold
And you’re disappointing

What would have happened if I never ran away?

Lost in the throes of desire..so  
Haunted      after last night

But I said I’ll bite

And now I can’t put out the fire

I’m burning
I’m burning
I’m burning

Up
You ****** me
Up

You ****** me
You’re ******
****

It’s the soul that you bring to the table :

Is it still power if the other person is just weak?

how do I always end up here? back at the same place
my life seems to keep coming full circle
I suppose I only have myself to blame

ghostly and ghastly, I linger at the table like a harsh whisper
the old halloween decoration that never got taken down

Listening to Pianos become the teeth.
I'm still 13 and lying on the floor of my childhood bedroom
the rims of my eyes, underlined pink with shed tears
-
I'm not 13 anymore

I so desperately want to be held but I can’t take being hugged these days
When did everything get so broken and confusing and broken and broken and broken and confusing and

If I took a bite out of myself, would I taste like pomegranate and figs or rotting flesh?

and so my fluttering stream of consciousness leaves me open and bare to judgment and stares

as if my actions didn’t already beat it to the chase

Your stomach aches under the weight of your desire and pressure of your sin

The bathroom is ice cold and the house silent
bass popping in your ear
One splayed hand gripping one tensed thigh
Your nails dig in, lilac pretty
-
You *** and it feels warm
So you fight the urge to slip your cold hand under the stream
-
A hard stare in the mirror, seeing too much and nothing much at all
-
You thought it was just that sleep evaded you but something much bigger was chasing you, leaving you
too
All too often
All too much
-
Here you are again.
Does it feel good?

How do I break the spell?

It’s the knife in my own holster .. and the blood spilt holds no value either

My memories are all I have and I can feel them fading
Unravelling
Slowly dissipating .. the silt of my emotions slipping into realms unknown

He said goodbye
So why didn’t you wave?

i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

oh man, i'm so TIRED
feeling the weight of life is exhausting and i can't wait for the next moment that i forget about it

my old friend, Im not sure much has changed
what else did i expect
from myself?
from life?
from others?
i don't know
i-

there's so much i want to say but at the same time i find myself silent
i find myself zoned out
seeing the curser blink every so often

-

why am i always hurting
why does it always feel like i'm on the other side of everyone else
why am i always begging
it feels like everything that i want demands my blood, sweat and tears and even then it's not enough, i still don't get it
i mean **** it, i don't even want or need half of what i want
i just
why does everything feel so difficult for me???

i think i blink too much or
much too slow
it seems that i can never let enough of life's light in
and i want to let the light in
i so desperately want to let the light in

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

my silence is the pain that makes me crazy, yet it is also the salve that makes me soulful

always looking over my shoulder
always keeping an ear free
always opening the window just so I can breathe

you once told me that I make you feel the most alive
but that i have an amazing ability to make you feel really alone
-

I understand now

How fleeting is the sound of the neighbours hammering
And how sustained is our rage at the sound of it

why can't I shake this terrible feeling
of feeling so lost and stuck
I don't know what to do with myself\I can't even think straight anymore

I've never felt more confused about everything and i think i've just shut down

I just don't see a way out
I just don't know what to do

Life has a light that never fades but we just keep closing our eyes for too long

I think my wasted potential is really a heartbreak
I have so much to give to the world but nothing useful wills to pour out of me
I feel frozen

I don’t know how to unlock myself at all

You know things are bad when Dostoyevsky says something and you can relate

When I think about me I think about him

As the night closes in I think about how  loneliness is not about the absence of people in our lives, rather it is the people around us and our lack of interest in them that makes us feel lonely

I've always gotten lost in my head, thinking about all the ways I could cut my flesh open and destroy myself, to finally end myself
-
some time elapsed and I finally realised that it is not death that I long for but just pain
-
I want to take myself apart piece by piece
to feel at peace and feel that sweet release

the highs of mania and the lows of depression are harder to ride as time goes on
especially when I can't find any answers
especially when I can't understand myself or the world around me
-
suffocating on my emptiness
I walk around
yet I am nowhere to be found

S for say
say something to me

somewhere between the drink that burns my throat and Anderson Paak's voice, i find my thoughts drifting to the same place they always do

i dream of having a piano in front of me so my fingers could dance across the keys instead of my neck

this isn't what I wanted at all
-

i feel like one day you just become an adult and you have no idea what to do with a life that you really didn't want
as in the life that you live isn't the one that you wanted
what do you even do with that? because I feel like life really isn't what you make it
life happens no matter how much you try to shape it

-
I guess i have no real idea about what I want
most of my life has been spent knowing what i don't want as if that ever made a difference
-
there are only a few moments in my life where I can confirm I have actually been alive
but mostly I think about the fact that I just exist, just like a lot of people, just like everyone actually

you wished for so much and you got it

Loneliness is not about the absence of people in our lives. It is actually the people surrounding us and our lack of interest in them that makes us lonely

going straight on airplane mode to just stare at myself in the mirror because I look really quite cute tonight.

I feel like i have something interesting to give tonight, just no one to give it to

always disappointed to see my sluttier posts get attention and drive anything meaningful that I show the world into obscurity

I used to love talking to you at night when you were in your study
even though we were miles away and I wasn't there it felt like our special place
because you spent all night there talking to me
bridging the gap whilst you were away
and you would tell me so many stories
and find old things in the drawer of your desk
-
and on the other side of the world I was in my childhood bedroom
whispering so my parents couldn't hear
but let's face it, I was always loud
and somehow never got caught
I guess because it was the summer holiday, they knew I didn't have to think about school just yet

at night I think about being your glass table girl <3