Well ****

I miss the essence of him so bad that I’m willing to beg
It would seem I have a desperation inside of me that threatens to escape .. and tear down the crumbly walls of my castle

You can never run away from yourself

What did my crazy, innocent heart ever do to end up in such an imperfect vessel?

These days I feel more anger than sadness
Never let myself lose control
Like punching a wall, breaking everything around me
But it feels really tempting now

To see the destruction inside myself
To see it in front of me
To see it in the flesh
For it to feel real

Would it make me feel any different?
Or it just release masked as more pain? Because in that case, my cup is overflowing and my bladder is full

and one day your happy song becomes laced with melancholy
But you notice that it sounds the same either way

So I guess it boils down to the fact that:

If your vision is pure, then the world is pure

I have a voice .. but it keeps getting lost in the ether

The weight of my desire, heavy, like obsidian

How many times will I be burnt by my own skin?

Y’know, same old same old

The patina of your leather against my cheek
Just makes me want to hold on tighter when you ride

Separation is a poets wealth

I’m cold
And you’re disappointing

What would have happened if I never ran away?

Lost in the throes of desire..so  
Haunted      after last night

But I said I’ll bite

And now I can’t put out the fire

I’m burning
I’m burning
I’m burning

Up
You ****** me
Up

You ****** me
You’re ******
****

It’s the soul that you bring to the table :

Is it still power if the other person is just weak?

how do I always end up here? back at the same place
my life seems to keep coming full circle
I suppose I only have myself to blame

ghostly and ghastly, I linger at the table like a harsh whisper
the old halloween decoration that never got taken down

Listening to Pianos become the teeth.
I'm still 13 and lying on the floor of my childhood bedroom
the rims of my eyes, underlined pink with shed tears
-
I'm not 13 anymore

I so desperately want to be held but I can’t take being hugged these days
When did everything get so broken and confusing and broken and broken and broken and confusing and

If I took a bite out of myself, would I taste like pomegranate and figs or rotting flesh?

and so my fluttering stream of consciousness leaves me open and bare to judgment and stares

as if my actions didn’t already beat it to the chase

Your stomach aches under the weight of your desire and pressure of your sin

The bathroom is ice cold and the house silent
bass popping in your ear
One splayed hand gripping one tensed thigh
Your nails dig in, lilac pretty
-
You *** and it feels warm
So you fight the urge to slip your cold hand under the stream
-
A hard stare in the mirror, seeing too much and nothing much at all
-
You thought it was just that sleep evaded you but something much bigger was chasing you, leaving you
too
All too often
All too much
-
Here you are again.
Does it feel good?

How do I break the spell?

It’s the knife in my own holster .. and the blood spilt holds no value either

My memories are all I have and I can feel them fading
Unravelling
Slowly dissipating .. the silt of my emotions slipping into realms unknown

He said goodbye
So why didn’t you wave?

i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

oh man, i'm so TIRED
feeling the weight of life is exhausting and i can't wait for the next moment that i forget about it

my old friend, Im not sure much has changed
what else did i expect
from myself?
from life?
from others?
i don't know
i-

there's so much i want to say but at the same time i find myself silent
i find myself zoned out
seeing the curser blink every so often

-

why am i always hurting
why does it always feel like i'm on the other side of everyone else
why am i always begging
it feels like everything that i want demands my blood, sweat and tears and even then it's not enough, i still don't get it
i mean **** it, i don't even want or need half of what i want
i just
why does everything feel so difficult for me???

i think i blink too much or
much too slow
it seems that i can never let enough of life's light in
and i want to let the light in
i so desperately want to let the light in

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

my silence is the pain that makes me crazy, yet it is also the salve that makes me soulful

always looking over my shoulder
always keeping an ear free
always opening the window just so I can breathe

you once told me that I make you feel the most alive
but that i have an amazing ability to make you feel really alone
-

I understand now

How fleeting is the sound of the neighbours hammering
And how sustained is our rage at the sound of it

why can't I shake this terrible feeling
of feeling so lost and stuck
I don't know what to do with myself\I can't even think straight anymore

I've never felt more confused about everything and i think i've just shut down

I just don't see a way out
I just don't know what to do

Life has a light that never fades but we just keep closing our eyes for too long

I think my wasted potential is really a heartbreak
I have so much to give to the world but nothing useful wills to pour out of me
I feel frozen

I don’t know how to unlock myself at all

You know things are bad when Dostoyevsky says something and you can relate