cold winters are warming
they wake you up to reality
of fighting the demons,
chasing the tides,
counting your wishes,
and being alive.

each year I break,
in two, in three,
in four.

drowning and wondering
about so much more.

cold winters are waking me up
like someone sitting on my chest
it's too warm and crimson

im not ready yet.

I started crashing today
walking to work
I thought maybe, for a few short moments, I would pass out -
  
      right on the pavement
      next to the flowers.

It would be pretty to lay there for just a few
      uninterrupted moments.

Days like this are difficult,
when the silence bites like starving horse flies
when the tides of the ocean rise with might

Sometimes I hear a siren off in the distance
       constant, dull, aching.

The Earth - she is magnetic
the most magnificent creature
caught in the depths of doom
but fighting harder than any of us.

Her trees breathe,
Her air hums,
Her sea sings,

When the silence bites -
Listen for Her. Anywhere you can.

it's like a sumo wrestler is on my chest
so heavy that my ribs have started to break

it's like four walls closing in
never to see daylight again

it's like the sun never shining
             the birds never chirping
             the leaves never falling.

its like dying
             but slowly.

some days my vision goes
some days my heart stops
somedays I'm so faded I could faint.

it's like drowning when there's only three yards left to the shore.

some days
you fall hard.

harder then you've ever thought,
harder than you've ever fought.

HARDER -

when all you wanted was to be okay.

it's hard to fathom words sometimes
when you're swallowed out to sea
and you can only focus on breathing

it's hard to be comfortable
when the life vest disappears,
when the open ocean is in front of you,
when you're at your wits end

it's hard to see the shore
sometimes it seems so far away
i'm too afraid to swim
i'm too afraid to drown

the world is feeling a lot today -
you can feel it in the pavement
you can see it in the sky
      in the clouds
      in the sprinkling rain

I am feeling a lot today -
its been lingering
that feeling
that feeling that doesn't have a name

overwhelming...
confusing...
unnerving...

allowing yourself to f e e l
is something that doesn't happen often, at least for me

digesting...
breathing...

understanding these emotions
that I've always locked in a box -
I've pretended to feel them before...

but, for the first time in my life
I am feeling
uncomfortable

and it's the first time I've ever actually felt...
c o m f o r t a b l e

i'm debating cutting my hair
and i've spent too long sitting in the shower
trying to wash the dirt off of me

this dirt won't come off
it's all in my mind