sitting outside under starlight.
breathing in the atmosphere and million year old earth.
with you, counting constellations and pretending for awhile that nothing else exists.

we will orbit the sun and the planet will rotate like the hands of a clock spinning round and round until time runs out. perhaps at the end of time we will supernova like stars; our remnants will glow colorful and beautiful and shining, but we will be dead. and in our remains will swirl tiny pieces of us all mixed up with matter. people will look at us through telescopes to study what we used to be.

or maybe I will collapse in on myself and twisting, become a black hole.
******* in every star and planet and ray of light until nothing is left. the people, with their telescope eyes, will stare and wonder how I came to exist.
but I will know. and spend the rest of that existence chasing stars to fill the void.

I am so afraid
of loving you
because
I am so afraid
of losing you.

you are gone.
so with a weird empty space in my chest and a long painful recovery, i move on.
it is long and it is painful, but it is progress and so i am thankful. it’s a little strange to deliver this sort of news. it’s my first time. but then my first is time is my second time is my third time and after that its less difficult. i’ve adjusted to the idea of marking you as absentee from my life, but sometimes i’ll forget and you are there smiling, for a moment. and in that single moment i can remember every single good thing about us. but it will pass as it always does. when it is over i will remember the bad things again. and from there i will start to recover again. will start to live again. will laugh again.
and find someone new to remember.

you are my longing and
strange, half-formed desire
for a touch or embrace or emotion
i can read.

you are my eight years of commitment and
inability to understand how i
really feel about
you, or me, or us together.

you are my uncertainty and
apprehensiveness to change
what we've only just barely recovered,
what we'd so utterly lost.

you are my confusion and
"am i really feeling this way?"
or am i just replacing
him with you.

you are my selfishness and
want for some sort of stability.
a love that is
only mine.

you are my insecurity and
lack of petite, feminine qualities.
being so distinctly not
your type.

you are my happiness and
joyful, unabashed smiles.
with easy laughter shining
in your bright eyes.

I’ve been just a child until
this day; I feel a child still.
Another year that I have gained,
eighteen and left to my own will.

Insecure and I’m left doubting
what the future will be bringing.
Another year that I have gained,
so I will sit here deeply thinking.

And at this age what have I learned?
But a lesson, smart and stern.
Another year that I have gained,
and there is much I’ve yet to learn.