Happiness, happiness comes from within. It's something we have to learn on our own, alone, cold. Before happiness becomes pain. A pain not physical but one of the heart own that can not be mended by wide eyed girls, or slamming guitars. One that can only be mended by time, tough love is what you taught me, a time spent alone to reflect on my own personal issues, inner happiness, Inner peace. The key to happiness is this, be broken, learn to be okay by yourself, love yourself. And then and only then, can you love her. A beautiful angel sent from above as if she defended from the heavens herself. Learn this my friend, walk down that dark road the one that is dim lit and full of monsters for that one has a rainbow on the other side.

It all starts with a road I walk down of my own self doubts and ends with an ocean of insecurities that I can never cross with the raft I had made. Or maybe it's your wrath that has made me so scared to go outside all of these years. So scared to be myself so I put on a suit made of someone else. I lobotomize my own brain just to be a selfless corpse. Walking around a god forsaken world, one without love and mercy, one that knows nothing of glory. One that will chew you and spit you out just to laugh at your bleeding body. But baby let me tell you one thing, this ****** up world isn't everything. Sometimes there is beauty in the most simplest of things. I'm learning these lessons everyday and the fog seems to be going away. The seas of my insecurities are going down. The storm is passing. The storm is passing.

Seeing you happy with someone else still stings on the inside but I know he makes you smile and that makes me smile, I became a man tonight and put away all my childish things like holding on the hate I had for you breaking me, but maybe that was all apart of some greater plan, one I do not fully understand but one day I hope we can still be friends because in the end that's what you were to me my best friend, someone I could count on when things got rough, when the seas got scary you were there to calm the storm. I wanna thank you for letting me be apart of your life for so long letting me get to know your family and friends I broke a lot of hearts in the end but I'm not throwing a tantrum anymore I'm setting the unsettled score I'm letting you and everyone see the real the true vulnerable me. In these poems I talk about how sad I am without you but I think those are lies I just tell myself to sleep at night. I love you I always will as a person not in love with you but care for you always and forever until the day I die I will look back and smile on the times we shared, on the memories, the smiles. Thank you for everything. I owe you a big part of me, because without you I wouldn't have became me. The real me. The true me.

Thank you.

Childhood stories of a great man, a great man who fought for Uncle Sam, a man who came home to his wife and kids and loved them oh god how he loved them. These where the lies I told myself living inside that house, eight years old living in the cold of my own existence, abandoned by a man who claimed he did it for the best but in reality he was chasing some young bright eyed girl who wasn't even old enough to take a shot. A broken mother who was too broken to care a very young brother who was too young to know any better. These are the truth behind the curtain of stretched circumstances that cloud them.

You're living a lovers dream, and I am cursed to watch it unfold behind a computer screen. Forced to weigh my own wrong doings, for the things I corrupted and destroyed. Suffocation by vicious thoughts in my head, tears that could pierce any heart but yours. No I had your heart sometime ago but you took that back without even telling a soul without even letting anyone know you were going a different way, a path without my hand.

Forever I will love you, forever I'll need you, forever the identity of you will be a figment of a fraction of a  memory buried behind years of tragedy and despair. Sometimes I dream of your touch the touch of a ghost the touch that was always too pure for me to feel or gaze upon. You fade in and out of my mind a blur in the grand scheme of things but even dust in the wind can cause a sand storm. You're gone too gone to grasp but not too gone to be forgotten. You are righteous and holy. The highest of all deities but a mortal beauty. I'm an cursed forever to sail the high seas of my own self doubts waiting for someone like you to come around to save me from the high waves and tornados. Right now at this very moment I know you're safe in the ground but I hope it's not too cold because if it is my dear I'll be there in the morning to hold you until the sun implodes and our bodies become one.

The walls we built together back in 63 are now covered in concrete and steel beams, I remember sitting on top your lap as you made the gold for the entire city but that was back in the 90s oh god that was back in the 90s TAKE ME BACK TO THE 90s IM SITTING HERE WRAPPED IN A BLANKET ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN ITS A COLD TEXAS WINTER... ITS BEEN 16 HOURS SINCE I SAID MY LAST GOODBYE! I PICTURE YOUR FACE I PICTURE THE WORDS THAT YOU TOLD MEEE. This house is not a home
This house is not a home  
This house is not a home
THIS HOUSE IS NOT A HOME ANYMORE

A couple months have passed since I dropped a rose by your tombstone, the house is turning to mold, I'm trying to hold it all together but Weeds are growing, roaches are swarming, the pool is turning black, there are skeletons forming and I'm not coming back.

This house is not a home
This house is not a home
THIS HOUSE IS NOT A HOME ANYMORE.

YOU USED TO TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME I CANT HEAR YOUR VOICE ANYMORE! YOU USED TO SAY HOW PROUD YOU WERE OF ME AND I CANT HEAR YOU ANYMORE!