Disappointment in your eyes
Because my delivery cuts you to the bone
Retreating from the war
In hiding just to be calm
The only safe place is when I'm all alone
Tired of fighting and taking it back
Tired of the fear and wringing my hands
The sickening feelings I feel waiting for the next attack
Displaced and disenchanted
Homeless in my own home

"My heart is a tomb
My heart is an empty room
I’ve given it away
I never want to see it again

And all your words could save me
But keep your love away from me..."

- Chelsea Wolfe

Your desire is fierce
Fiery
Pulling at clothes and messy hair
Honey mouths and writhing tongues
Exposing my private, smoldering need
Impatient lips to spread and feed

Your desire is languid
Romantic
Gentle eyes and admiration
Warm caresses and butterfly lashes
Taking me slowly down with you
Tasting, inhaling and enjoying the view

Your desire is cruel
Unapologetic
Dominant and demanding
Force feeding flesh and flogging fists
Unrelenting commands for pleasure
Pure and raw, ******* without measure

"Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bulletproof

Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that I was bulletproof..."

"Drained by the anger and grief
Fazed by the envy and greed
The secret cries for a release
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium..."
- Ville Hermanni Valo, H.I.M.

I know I'm not everything you expected
Maybe you lost hope long ago
I just hope you never regret it
And that you know I love you so
Can't take us back to the beginning
Can't rewind your mind
To those days when we couldn't stop grinning
All the time we lost, left behind
All we have is the now
And sometimes we forget how
To just be
To let it bleed the way we used to
I want to just try
Because for you, I'd bleed myself dry
I'm willing to keep up the struggle and the search
I don't care how much it hurts
If it will help you cut away the weight that drowns you
Instead of cutting the beautiful skin that surrounds you
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Because now that I know what I know
It's too close for comfort
Give it to me if you must
After all, I'm the one you trust
So let me take the pain that you've been buried under

this house is making me sicker than any virus could.

The light leaves my eyes
in the wake of silence
Yet, the noise in my ears
is deafening
The pounding of my heavy heart
Defiant
Covert punishment
Tired of being tested
of being tempted
of being bested
So tired
But sleep won't come tonight
Not without a fight
I'll watch the hours pass instead
with unfeeling eyes
from an empty bed
while my need for resolve is slowly swept beneath forced phrases
Empty gazes
Frozen faces
Like thousands of silent, crawling insects
My mind and my body are restless
This is the sound of
refusal to accept
the denial
and the disconnect

Tell your heart to hold on tight
There's going to be a storm tonight
Nothing can save you
Though you've done no wrong
But you'll drown in the flood
Before too long
Your knees will buckle
And your hands will shake
You'll lose your breath
And your voice will break
Do what you can
Save what you hold dear
But don't fool yourself
You won't be coming back here
It's hurling toward you
Like a bat out of Hell
The feeling inside you
You know all too well
It begins to get dark
As you cling to the last bit of light
It's hope against hope
No one to make it all right
Just go to the window
And look up at the stars
You'll find me there
If you try really hard
It may seem like a dream
But it's all too real
You've laid yourself out
For the vultures to steal
Promises made
Soft words were spoken
What is it they say...?
"Promises were made to be broken"
Disenchanted and frail
Distant gaze and skin so pale
It's almost over now
Just take your last breath
It feels sort of like sleep
But it's actually Death

Likened to abandoned theme park
Once fond memories cracked like abused porcelain
Affections taken over by invasive species
The fragrance and flavors once beloved, now poisoned and tasteless
My only want was to finally build a real home with you
A sanctuary
To capture a sense of pride and ease within the walls of our first attempt at creating this space together
To build something meaningful
To have a combined sense of accomplishment
What we are going through makes me think we do not bring out the best in one another
That we don't even like each other
That we are starting to become some angry sense of entitlement to our feelings instead of acknowledging the experience and skills we each possess and allowing them to be demonstrated
That incessant reference to one's opinion
Shouting from the rooftops just to be heard, right or wrong
The begging to just be
Respected
Cared for
Supported
Fought for instead of against
Overwhelmed by the demand for control
The chaotic pattern of pain
The bickering
The embittered, defensive replies to the simplest inquiry
The pushback against a simple difference of view
The lack of compromise because the war to be right appears to be more important than being happy
Sick to death of the exhaustion and sleeplessness and isolation
Happiness ruined by blame and selfishness
A creeping death, like a filthy air filter, will eventually have its way
So sick of contemplating a life beyond depression instead of living it
A life without a broken back
Without a broken voice
Without a broken heart
Starting to forget what it used to feel like to walk without the sting of these burdens around my ankles
Pulled into a stairwell of despair and breaking every bone on the way down
The constant ache
The stress from tiptoes on thin ice
The cuts from the shattered glass of the window pane
The threat of never recovering
Imminent with each misstep
Building upon an already cracked foundation
A landscape of burned out Earth, choking on the drought
Homeless dreams in littered streets
Dreams of you
A starving canine with your ribs showing, escaping reality by wandering the street for scraps
as I lie in wait, "slowly killing myself" as you look on
Past me
Through me
Those framed glass shards and their tattered curtains
Might as well be my body, my heart, and my soul
All in a seemingly endless, untenable state of disrepair
Scrubbing at the flaws until my hands bleed with no way to get the stains out
Gasping for breath with the hope of a new day
Stifled by the devastating collapse beneath the mountain of rubble

I settled in
And I settled with it
I had logic when I drifted off
But an entirely different shadow casts its cruel light this morning
As I rise and realize
The Silence
The Unknown
The taste of limerent panic
Devours everything in its path
And in its wake
Like a flood
I had logic when I drifted off
Logic when we last spoke
Logic when we kissed with hope
And now
My mind is crawling
with the worst possibilities
Triggered
and riddled with evil trickery
My eyes are open too wide
Searching in this vicious darkness
For you
Like wind through the trees
I'm left breathless in the breeze
Unsettled and sleepless
Weak in the knees
It's always this way on nights like these

A hazy early morning clears
Slowly opening weary eyes
Realizing you're not here
Counting the seconds
as they drag by
And as I fell to sleep
I imagined you were there
With me
I recalled the time
Before you were really mine
When all we had
Was a melting phone line
And it dawned on me
How amazing life can be
While I cherish this single, silent tear
I still wish you were here

"Lay in my grave with me my love.
We'll die side by side,
hand in hand.
And our ghosts follow us in the winter,
And the winter is taking us down."

- Chelsea Wolfe

In the dream, there was a pit in the middle of  the floor of a pitch black, empty room with peeling wallpaper of an indistinguishable color or pattern; charred fragments of paper floated on the hot air.

The pit was a giant, jagged hole in the weathered and blackened floorboards surrounded by smoldering embers. If you dared to look down, you could see traces of a winding staircase seemingly made of ancient, crumbling stone and black ash. The glow from the lava below was very nearly choked out by the ever-present black smoke that covered the walls and the floor...it filled the air in forked black ribbons.

I stared, terrified as my body hovered over the hole as if by some demonic, magical force that kept me suspended in the air about a foot above the floor. I wore nothing but a *****, tattered white gown, turned grey from the soot.

Barefoot and scarred, sunken eyes and a tangled, black mess of hair that met my ****** fingertips. I could literally feel my broken soul and my broken heart. They felt like brittle bones.

I was hovering over a pit of lost reason and lost purpose. I was ready to dive right in.

Church bells on the evening breeze
Heavy hearted, ill at ease
All I want is your precious kiss
Save me, my Love
It's your touch that I miss
Bring the smile back to my face
Escape with me from this tearful place
My emotions are tattered
Mind filled with confusion and scattered
Take away what I need to erase
Give me hope and infinite trust
Tie my wrists with blood and lust
Tell me that you'll never run
Light my way despite the dying sun

strings of stars
delicate bones
the length of her locks
kept her chained and at home
trapped in a tower
of silence and stone

tendrils of fantasy
once drew him to her
now cut short with defiance
and wicked laughter
here now is the truth
not the vision you held tight
cruel thorns pierced my heart
and blinded your sight

the innocence of fantasy
long lost in the dark
blonde locks stained black
and scars where there were sparks
think twice the next time
you wish a savior would come
a better way to save yourself
would be to use your legs
and run

Dread.
It's usually the same.
Panic and anxious breath and
dread.
     dread.
          dread.
One day, I always say, we will want something better
Something healthier
Absent of accusation and blame and misperception
Something that lifts us up beyond this hurt
Allowing us to remember why I risked everything
Why we thought it was worth what it's worth
And why we hurt people - for years
Just to be together
Fate decided to twist our guts into knots instead of granting us peace and togetherness at last
Replaced by isolation and burning tears
And now Tuesdays are those confrontations with fate
Do we spend the rest of the time we have building walls, favoring hope, or taunting hate?

I've loved you for 22 years.
You're tattooed into my skin.
You put a black diamond on my ring finger.
And last night,
although you're still alive and breathing,
although I love you more than life,
I became a widow.

I'll never remove this ring.
I'll never remove my R tattoo.
And I'll never be the same.

I know the world has been cruel to you
I know your heart gets heavy at night
But there is a way to make it through
There is a way to make it all right
Just let your dreams become your hopes
And let your hopes become your reality
Take my heart into those precious hands
And walk with me
Just walk with me

Keep painting my roses with your passionate red
Promise me you'll keep me safe and secure
Even when I'm tied down to your bed
Keep loving me through the darkness
Give me your ugliness and your beauty
And I'll keep your secrets
I'll give you a place to rest your head

I know it all gets crazy
And it doesn't look like it will end
But when you let yourself believe
Your enemy becomes your friend
Just take it as a challenge
Be strong - you know you are
When it all comes crashing
We'll stand there laughing
And counting shooting stars

I know it all seems upside down
And I know there doesn't seem to be a way home
But there is a way to turn it around
You just need a place to rest those weary bones
Just let your reality find a place in me
Let me be whatever you need me to be
Take my heart into those precious hands
And walk with me
Just walk with me

Once upon a time in a magical place
Not a single tear ever touched your face
There was no pain or suffering
No broken promises or fears
Only dreams and wishes
and the sound of laughter in your ears
But heartbreak comes unexpectedly
I try hiding it away until it breaks free
Filled to bursting
My tears come through
With regret from the disappointment
I have created in you
There is no one on Earth
Who touches my heart like you can
The way you hold me
The way you help me
The way you care and understand
My home in your arms is the only saving grace
I may not be perfect, but my heart
is in the right place
Just try to remember to give sadness equal space
And I'll try to brush these angry tears from my face

Where are you
I keep looking for you
Even as you tell me "we'll make it through"
I want to believe you like I always do
In this bed as I lie
Strangled by the sheets and the darkness in my eyes
Feeling like I could die
(Sweet relief, such sweet release)
Waiting for you
Watching for you
Wishing I would find you if I looked behind me
But I'm still waiting
"In this bed of spider webs
I think of ways to change myself"
Through these long, dark nights
Alone despite living together
Walking with the same painful limp
Parched lips
All skin and bone
Starving for a little glimpse
of the day you'll finally find your way home

In between the raindrops
In the cracks where the ceiling stops
The lost hours that connected the night to the day
Dragged kicking and screaming back to the start
So many unfamiliar faces
Unwelcoming, unyielding traces
All of the off-limits places
I will never, ever let go of
the empty spaces you fill in my heart

Love lied to me
About the beauty and the ecstasy
Looked me straight in the eyes and lied,
Now I sit vacant and red-eyed as I watch my heart die inside
Wondering where it all went awry
Love lied straight to my face
Stole away in the night without a trace
Abducted
Left me with nothing but nothingness in its place

3:33am
again
screaming nightmares and terrors
telling false tales of the heart and grave errors
wide awake while the world sleeps
my heart pounds and my weary eyes weep
wide-eyed and staring at the white glow of the screen
wondering why and what it all means

We should be meeting in the middle
It should be like that all the time
But sometimes it hurts more than a little
When the darkness obscures the line
It's a sinking feeling
When all we're doing is clinging to the floor
Lowest of the low
Like there's no fight in me left to fight for
You can only go down so deep
Before you have to come up for air
Now I lay me down to sleep
Whenever I wake I hope you'll be there

Conscious and unconscious
Dreamily disjointed
Bedtime storytelling
Insomnia takes me
for another walk in the park
Sleepless ramblings in the dark
Lonely for company
She collects me
My slumber-starved mind summons
He wakes and I wait
Feeling him close, as he lives within
Sensing his presence
I can almost see the glow
of his bedroom light
Something stirring in the distant night
My heart beats faster
as my Lover writes

It appears that I've gone dark again
Same familiar cage, same old cell
Lost inside my personal hell
Light a candle to show me the holes
This is how to deal with it
This is the only way I know
And it's just as well
Running into walls
Putting out fires
The edges of my heart are scorched
Torches lit and flickering at the pyre
Everywhere I turn
It's like a maze and I'm amazed
Should just give in to the burn
Torch it all
Let it all go
Instead of feeling frozen, fan the final flame
A cauterized and sterilized shell of my past
Nothing but embers, ash and shadow
This is the only way I know

Sometimes I feel
Like a dying rose
Missing your gentleness
as my eyes beg to close
Aching for the way
your eyes caress me
the way you inhale me
and longing for your hands
to remove the thorns from me
Plucked from the garden
Your eyes start to harden
Lonely from losing my petals
Under burden of a heavy heart
There are nights without you
That feel cold and so dark
Rushing into fitful dreams
While the rest of the garden sleeps tonight
But I look forward
to the warmth of morning
the end of uncomfortable needing
and a brand new start
Please allow me your light
Only you can make it all right

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."

- anais nin.

"I taste death in every kiss we share
Every sundown seems to be the last we have
Your breath on my skin has the scent of our end
I'm drunk on your tears baby can't you see it's hurting

Every time we touch we get closer to heaven
And at every sunrise our sins are forgiven
You on my skin this must be the end
The only way you can love me is to hurt me again
And again
And again
And again..."
- Ville Hermanni Valo, H.I.M.

I cannot help but channel you when we are apart, as this Love has become my very energy
I bide my time and visualize the movements we make, the way our bodies embrace and entwine with such fluidity
I cannot imagine a break in our ever growing bonds, our sameness, our connection, our continuity
I see you now in moments captured, in tiny time capsules, held in precious hands like fragile shells of destiny
I long for every moment in which we plan and build and give ourselves over to our bliss, our own Heaven
Our Eternity

It was love that you tasted
On the tip of your tongue
Your desire is not wasted
Our oldest bonds are still young
My belonging to you
Is so much more than words
Nothing has ever felt so true
Yours may as well be
The only voice
My heart has ever heard...

everything is so great and so perfect, until it isn't.

If ever there were hands
to steal the stars from the sky
Let them be mine
For you, I would try
I would give you the moon
And the trees and the sun
I would black out the night
And hide away with you
From everyone
If the rain fell too hard
or the cold chilled your warm heart
I would be shelter for you, always
And we would never be apart
I have grown in your garden
With our love as my seed
You are my greatest treasure
You are all I need

She said, "You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge."
Sounds so easy to "just do YOU" to someone on the outside.
She told me to be careful, but not fearful.
She told me to be mindful, but not thoughtless.
She thinks I really know how to live, even when I feel like dying.
And now I feel forced into change, because if I don't, it means I'm not trying.

I loathe Tuesdays.

do you ever wonder
what waits around the corner?
that dark smile that bleeds right after
your muse believes in you,
then leaves you while you have laughter
and laughs at you that much harder?
this blessed curse of happiness
the feeling of that shoe about to drop
the one where you can't quite rest easy
the car without brakes to make you stop
and the muse, she keeps on laughing
while you think you're really happy
in those moments when you think your dreams might come true
silly you
do you lose your muse when you're happy?
because i do.

May you always be
This precious to me
My sweet, darling lover
You take me over
So powerfully
Lie still with me sometimes
And when we walk, hold my hand
When I am hurting or angry
Try to soothe and understand
With each goodnight kiss
You seem to grant my every wish
Just give me your love
Keep me always in mind
And I will be the softest refuge
your heart will ever find

I guess it slipped through my fingers,
Watched it sink into the water and drown
I've got no more fight left in me
Heartbroken, disenchanted, beaten into the ground
Oh, it's such inspiration
This feeling of desperation
Grasping at something I'll never have again
Filled with loss and mourning at the thought of the end
Trapped inside the shell of a broken spirit
Isolated in this silence, and feeling safe within it
"It's You, It's You, It's all for you"... and nothing else
Condemned dreams and broken promises to myself
Eyes wide open in the dark
Wishing there was a way to get back to that spark
I'm just a broken horse, no trace left of that willful girl
My soul is at half-mast
A life lived trying to live up to the past
Dead behind the eyes, reality finally realized
It's gone so far, it feels like there's no way back
Drowning would be such sweet relief,
just want to let it all go black

The night ahead lays open like a rose
I can already feel the absence of my ecstatic throes
Crushed and forgotten like discarded clothes
Without you, my heart waits in restless repose
My far away eyes trained on distant shadows
Anticipating the warmth of our many tomorrows
How effortless the effort is to be so close
To know you in a way that no one else knows