If I could sob onto the paper (or the screen)
And it could let out even a piece of what I'm feeling
I would do it
How have I been writing these poems for 4 years?
How have I been struggling for so long?
Why am I not better?
Just last night
It was on the tip of my tongue
I want to die

I cant quite explain the feeling
But it's like my mind is on a tether
My strange little brain is a balloon on a string
And when the panic attacks come
I'm being filled too full with helium
Ready to pop and explode inside my skull
Or perhaps
Ready to just float away
Gone forever
Never to return

It's that feeling that scares me the most
Knowing that there is only a tiny little bit needed
To push me to that pop!
To cut away my string
So I can explode and create carnage inside this constricting skull of mine
Or so I can float away, away, away, away
Would everyone ask where I went?
"She went to the loony bin"
Is what the answer feels like

You feel it too
Last night
You asked if I should call a hotline
You've never said that before
In that moment, I could almost see it
See the snap
See me chained to a bed, an iv in one arm
Sedated sedated sedated at last
Floating on those puffy grey clouds
Maybe then everything could stop feeling so sickly neon green and tangerine yellow
Nasty colors making up a mind filled with sicky sickness

I'm sick
But not from allergies
I'm very ill
But it's not food poisoning
I can't come to work today
Because I'll be busy rocking myself in a corner
I need someone to take my temperature
If only I could stop my hands from shaking, from hitting
I'm worried it might be contagious
I can't imagine how anyone could put up with this

How do you explain that feeling of your brain wanting to climb out of your head?
How do you stop it when it finally decides to do it?
What will happen to me if I let myself snap?
If I let myself float away?
Can I last another 22 years like this?

I don't know what to call this
I don't know where I've gone
All I know is the waves are getting higher
And they never come back down
I'm adrift amongst purposeful ships
Clear for everyone to see
The solitary, turbulent vessel
Struggling to stay afloat,
to find my bearings in the open sea
I've forgotten where I came from
A bustling port of distant memory
Though even if I could recall it
Bring back those warm, sweet memories,
I would not be able to bring myself home to face it
Alone, ragged, battered from the high seas.
I'm far too ashamed of my failure,
of my grand aspirations which have abandoned me
I've little to show for my efforts
I've little to offer to those who believed in me
So I carry on, alone out on the open water
Adrift and unsure,
Trying to find my next harbor
Made all the more difficult,
as my gifts have started to fail me  
I don't know which way my compass points
Which way is true north? How do I sail south?
My anchor is starting to rust and decay,
My sails have grown heavy with salt water
I've lost ropes, barrels, and panels to the ocean
Been plundered by philandering pirates,
(been beaten, cut, and abandoned by them too)
And of course at this point my navigation's shot-
My wheel no longer spins,
My star chart is damage beyond repair
I'm left floating
Between waves
On waters smooth as glass
On waters made to shatter

My ship, my self, in waiting
Waiting
For the next wave to crash
For the next tide to carry me
For a current to pull me
For the stars to reappear
For something to take me home
Or better yet
For something to take me where I've never been

Now you're just a constant reminder of why I don't trust people

I don't want to write poetry about you
I don't want to remember
I'm scared to forget
I hate that you were my first
I hate that it didn't last
I can't stop thinking about you with someone else
I wonder who she is
I wonder if you miss me too
I wonder if you meant anything you said
I thought you were different
I had so much hope for you
I don't know how it ended up like this


I don't know how I'm going to get over this

Moments I felt like I was falling for you
1. When you made sure to get my phone number
2. When you picked me up and kissed me goodbye
3. When you held me all night and kept me up with your whispers
4. When you asked me what my friends called me
5. When you asked for my middle name
6. When I felt you breathing in at my neck and you whispered that I smelled good
7. When you talked about how much you love fantasy and science fiction
8. When you told me you love to read
9. When you placed little kisses on my cheek as I was falling asleep
10. When you told me you never smile in photos, but you smiled just for me
11. When you walked me to my car, pushed me up against it, kissed me hard
12. When we said it would be just the two of us
13. When you teased me about how much I love Iron Man
14. When you put your arm around me, in front of everyone
15. When you flexed, because you knew I liked it
16. When you asked me "Are you sure?"
17. When I said "Yes"
18. When your friend called me your "girl"
19. When you sang along to Frozen
20. When we fell asleep that night

Now all I have left are moments
And regrets
No you
No more freckles and lips bitten and makeup on my neck
No more first times
No more empty promises or lies or sweet nothings

That's all you were
A sickly sweet nothing
And I to you?


I was nothing

Stop trying to remember his scent, he smelled like summer and reminds you of the time he made you laugh so hard, you snorted out milk on that dead, hazy day.

2. Don't waste your day trying to decipher what colour his eyes were, it'll only remind you of the galaxies and constellations that you once saw in his eyes

3. Stop trying to retrace the shape of his mouth in the middle of the night, you'll choke on your tongue trying to taste the mint he devoured seconds before pulling you in for a kiss

4. Stop reliving the times you clasped hands together, the glass plate will fall off your trembling hands.

5. Burn this list, admit that the galaxies and constellations shining in his eyes were wilted, the one in yours are bursting with fire. Remember on the dead, hazy day his laugh sounded like nails running down a chalkboard. Remember when you kissed, the weeds growing from his mouth entangled the roses blooming in yours.

Realize that one day, another boy is going to come and plant daisies where he left behind thorns.