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you are the cigarette i pull out of the box every other evening
after fourty-six and five thousand strides, three underpasses
and one last pedestrian crossing

as with the cigarette, i look forward to you, look forward to
the high derived from the very presence of you
of your enigmatic entity misting through my lungs like
a sick, heady liaison akin to that of beer and smoke

but as with it which stubs out before the junction of bartley
relinquishes within me a curt perspiration, a heightened vision
you ravel my walk, desiccate my lips, augment a melancholy
that after muddy fields and an overhead bridge
initiates yet another discretion away from blurry headlights

as with the two sticks, tuesday and friday
five~, but only in selected amity
you leave traces of tobacco and filter paper
grinding between my newly dentalised set
as the zephyrs of the monsoon season **** against the spark
the bitter aftertaste of something so wrong, accompanied by
the warmth in cold of something so right
 Dec 2013 dreadfulmind
Sir B
Worst part?
I am no-ones first thought






****** ME!!
******** Me** -- A sub-entry.

Come watch the play,
murderous and horrendous it may be,
still one of the best,
come watch and learn,
rejoice for you will be never be,
one of my first thoughts,
come watch the play,
murderous and horrendous it may be,
come watch the play,
where we ****** ourselves,
come watch the play,
murderous and horrendous it might make thee.  

A sub-entry. Not exactly in the best of the moods now, am I?
 Dec 2013 dreadfulmind
marïama
I am open-minded and complex
I wonder about my future
I hear the ocean kiss the shore
I see the sun die every night for the moon to live
I want freedom
I am open-minded and complex
I pretend to be happy and content
I feel like a mother holding her baby for the first time
I touch every star in the nights sky
I worry I will get everything I dream of but will even be unhappy then
I cry over my fallen angel
I am open-minded and complex
I understand forgiveness
I say la ilaha illallah wa muhammadar rasulullah
I dream of blissful memories with her
I try to make her proud
I hope she is watching over me
I am open-minded and complex
Heartache is so unoriginal.
But you make mine feel special.

You made the hurt feel unique.
Like it was nothing anybody has
ever felt before.

We're all in pain
over the same
recycled tragedies.

But somehow you made mine feel shiny.
My breaking heart felt like something new.
My aching bones felt like a rebirth.

I wanna reward you for stomping on my heart.
Your foot prints on my ribcage are proof of living.
 Dec 2013 dreadfulmind
Odi
Fistfulls of dark hair in darker water
the expression is not beautiful
or ugly
just pure survival.
When hands do what they're meant to do
and you wanna tell him
"I just want to drown"
and you wanna tell him
"I just want to burn out" but
he manages to throw your cigarettes away
hide every sharp insrument in a drawer
flush the xanax down the toilet
he says blue is such a lonely color,
so he repaints your walls and you scream at him to stop
as the sun shines through mirrored curtains.
When you are broken you expect everything around you to  be broken.
White sheets replace black ones and he traces your footsteps back to the bathroom tiles,
smiles says;
"let the light in babe"
mistakes the fear in your eyes for sadness
you have no more room left for sadness
and he has no room left for empathy
running on caffeine and sympathy.
youll take what you can get so the nighttime doesnt have to be darker without him
hope he finds your notebook you place strategically ontop of a kitchen counter
because surely if he could read that he could understand
there are days darker than the ones when you chose to let the light in
it will shine on all your rotting parts
on your cracked canvases and too-full-dams
it will bring sight to the stink that is inside you
he will see
and if he cannot understand the terrror of that then he is not human
 Dec 2013 dreadfulmind
Luce
it's past four am
and i bet you're sleeping
peacefully
in the next room
but everybody in here is snoring
if only i could hear you snoring
because i'm sure it will still be soothing
if it's coming from you.

but today
you touched my hand
and it was such a simple movement
but i couldn't breathe
but i couldn't focus
and i laughed when you laughed
because i wasn't listening
to the conversation
Just communicating with your hands

today
i could smell you
raw and pure
As you pressed my head
into your chest

and, oh lord, i swear i can smell him through these walls

(or maybe it's your smell clinging to my t-shirt liKe i'm clinging so desperately to the thought of you)

and i'm on this cold sofa
and your warm arms are so close
but not close Enough

and it's past four am
and i want you
so innocently
to just hold me
let me listen to your heartbeat
to steady mine

and it's past four am
and i still think you're beautiful
when you're tired
and your sleepy eyes are my favourite
in their darkened shade of blue

i woke up around four am
and looked instantly to where you were
before
and it's shock
because you're gone
because i couldn't watch you sleep
and you couldn't steady my thoughts with your very presence

and it's past four am
and i'd love you to walk back in here
and take me by the hand
and just hold me close to you
and let me sleep away the nightmares.

because i would treasure every **** second


it's five am
and i'm still awake
and you're still beautiful and
endlessly fascinating
(i'm begging for sleep so i can see you sooner)
and you're way out of my league
and it's all just pointless daydreams

but you touched my hand.
 Dec 2013 dreadfulmind
Tommy
'Tis but another day I have not slept,
As I traipse aimlessly through these baron halls,
The shadows enveloping me, luring me further and further.

I remember in the days of the living,
When the moonlight was my friend,
And in her rays of light she would cradle me,
As she sent a sweet lullaby through the night sky,
Sung softly by the light of the stars.

It took me three years to remember how;
How to close my eyes and let the dark carry me away,
Lifting me up on a cloud of dreams
As I breathed in and out, in and out.

For those three years I wandered,
Writhing in the breath-taking agony
I would not have thought those like us were capable of feeling
Enduring as I wished and prayed
I could once more
Feel the dark close around myself and carry me off
On an adventure I wouldn't remember.

But when I finally managed it,
The wisps of the shadows did not encircle me,
Lifting me lightly in my slumber,
But they wrapped themselves around and around,
Suffocating and trapping me,

And the light of the moon did not reach out,
As she watched on from above
And the stars screamed and howled,
Possessed by an evil I had never seen before.

When I finally awoke,
I was lost, confused, and dazed by the piercing light
From the endless source.
And so, I will never again know
The warm grasp of the moon's rays as I am carried away;
The soft singing voice of the stars that I no longer see above my head.
I will never again know
What it is to dream
Other than the nightmare I am currently trapped within.
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