unfortunately, i have always cared.
you will never see me spreading the secrets you have shared.
though you went and broke my trust,
i simply told myself: "if you really must..."

i was never one to start a fight,
but i admit that i have said some things out of spite.
when you cursed and said you wished for my death,
i felt myself holding my breath.

your hands shot out when my tears fell.
i wanted to tell you to go to hell.
right then, i really wished i did not care,
but intentionally hurting you is something i would never dare.

you held me as i silently shook,
for a moment, i forgot that you were the crook.
am i under some dastardly charm?
why am i crying in the arms of the one who caused me harm?

dampness spread on your shirt from the tears i shed,
your fingers threaded through my hair as you whispered: "i didn't mean what i said".
it didn't stop my bleeding heart,
i find myself wishing i could restart.

if we never met, where would i be?
perhaps, in the arms of someone who truly loved me.
but leaving you is something i'm not prepared.
because unfortunately, i have always cared.

i am a little stray cat,
far too small for you to see.

food is always uncertain,
even when i'm full, i think about hunger.

here lives a million humans,
but i found a lovely one who notices me.

and if i could be hers,
i am finally seen.

when i cried as a little girl,
my mother used to tell me
that i had no reason to cry
if she had not laid her hands on me yet.

now as a big girl who feels so small,
i would let the tears burn my eyes,
for the only pain that is real and could be felt is physical.

i know two girls shouldn't
but
we held hands
when i walked ahead of you
in a crowded room
as i pulled my gaze away from you
you squeezed my hand and
i believed we could be possible
for a moment

i worked so hard
just to be an 'almost' version of you.
i strive to be as wholesome,
but i can't fix something so broken.
i strive to be as lovely,
but i am filled to the brim with hatred.
you're everything i desire,
and everything i loathe about myself.

and i hate you but
alcohol impairs judgement
now i cannot lie