i am a little stray cat,
far too small for you to see.

food is always uncertain,
even when i'm full, i think about hunger.

here lives a million humans,
but i found a lovely one who notices me.

and if i could be hers,
i am finally seen.

when i cried as a little girl,
my mother used to tell me
that i had no reason to cry
if she had not laid her hands on me yet.

now as a big girl who feels so small,
i would let the tears burn my eyes,
for the only pain that is real and could be felt is physical.

i know two girls shouldn't
but
we held hands
when i walked ahead of you
in a crowded room
as i pulled my gaze away from you
you squeezed my hand and
i believed we could be possible
for a moment

i worked so hard
just to be an 'almost' version of you.
i strive to be as wholesome,
but i can't fix something so broken.
i strive to be as lovely,
but i am filled to the brim with hatred.
you're everything i desire,
and everything i loathe about myself.

and i hate you but
alcohol impairs judgement
now i cannot lie

i was far too old
to ask my mother for an embrace,
to be cradled in her arms,
as she moves a strand of hair from my face.

i was far too young
to know how to love someone older,
the thought of commitment scares me,
i cannot fathom the promise of forever.