Under the orange
street lights
it's 3am

Longing to find him,
she skulks alone
in the dark

And as London sleeps
her cries go unheard
by all but one

Tick tick tick tick tick
Clock endlessly ticking, clicking in my ear,
On and on, will it ever stop?

Tick tick tick tick tick
Seconds pass, slow, barely moving,
Louder and louder, practically screaming now.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Rolling over, flipping pillows, kicking covers,
Nothing, not a thing, is working.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Eyes squeeze shut, then open, drooping,
Won't stay closed, won't let me disappear into darkness.

Tick tick tick tick tick
How long has it been?
Hands moving on the clock, going...backwards?

Tick tick tick tick tick
My dreamland awaits,
Yet all I can do is daydream about those far off dreams I want to dream.

Tick tick tick tick tick
My mind is my prison,
My cruel captor, my mortal enemy,  my unending undoing.

Tick tick tick tick tick
I must be going mad, utterly mad,
Stuck with this insomnia inside my blanketed asylum.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Hoping my tears will bring exhaustion,
But I'm just left in an ocean of hopelessness.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Staring at the inhuman neon numbers
That have come to rule my night, my life.

Tick tick tick tick tick
I try anything, no matter how cliché.
But not even counting coats of snowy wool can help me now.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Please lift me from this retched curse.
I'd take 100 years of sleep over no time at all.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Why won't my thoughts stop? Please!
Leave me be, leave me alone, let me sleep!

Tick tick tick tick tick
Yet they still run on, never-ending,
As the clock tick ticks away to the beat of my heart.

Tick tick tick tick tick
Ba bump, ba bump, ba bump, ba bump, ba bump,
Clock and heart in time together, intertwined as one.

Tick     tick        tick           tick              tick
As my heart slows, coming to a final stop.
I am grateful, and the clock fades off once and for all.

Insomnia gone,
I can sleep at last,
And I'm drawn into another world
Where my dreams become reality
And sheep frolick through fields
Along with me for all eternity.

Tick

Tick


Tick



Tick




Tick





Stop.

Death doesn't scare me
I'm afraid of what I'll miss
If I'll be missed
But I am afraid to lose people
Lose relationships
Life is about moments
About being devoted
Death comes along
And you hope you are strong
But we never know
If I tell you I love you
You know I mean it
Don't leave it
And if you know its coming
Do you run from it?
Or is embracing it to scary?
Holy Marry
Protect the ones I love
And the ones up above
I do not wish to live in fear
When my time is near
I will open my arms and accept my final moments
Because life is about doing what you love
So when you leave
You leave happy
Moments are not moments until you kiss the sun and hold it
Being 100% content with everything
Feeling weightless and at ease
Death is not a scary thing
I would rather die young and happy
Then live a long life full of numbness
And you can't judge a persons life based on their time frame
You look at how they made things change
How they spent each day
I say this because at one time I didn't treasure life
I regretted every decision I made
I didn't want to fight
Because death is easy
Life... is what we need to be afraid of

Why did I want to die?
Why did I want to end my life?
You're taught to be grateful
Every time the sun sets but returns every morning
How the flowers grow then die then grow again
And you understand the circle of life
But want to take matters into your own hands
My hands
Were tools to hurt and bring me down
Closer to the ground
And as I was falling
The sky seemed to become out of my reach
And they don't teach these things
While I was sitting in math
I pondered my own path
In English
I wanted to be finished
And if it was committed
Would I win or would I lose
Could I even choose
Death seemed better then going home
That's when I was alone
And I could scream
As loud as I wanted
Without anyone hearing a peep
I could smile
I could laugh
But that never replaced how I felt at the end of day
Make myself bleed to ignore my other pain
To this day
I'm not the same
Death seemed so easy
Believe me
I wanted to die
So I didn't have to feel
Or know that my life was real
I didn't want to deal
But I'm still here

You call me an inspiration
Overcoming all this devastation
I don't feel any different
Beneath my skin
Is every hurtful word said
Laid out in chronological order
Starting from the day I decided to be myself
Instead of hiding behind doors meant for clothes
And you can say I had it easy
You can say I took all of the glory
But you know my name
You don't know my story
And my story is written on my arms
Written in notebooks
Where my notes should be
Instead I have outlines
About how much you meant to me
And I was told to pay attention
Listen to today's lesson
But I had already learned mine
I was two days ahead of time
And why apologize
When all you do is speak lies
I don't want your pity
Or your comments that you think are witty
So please save your half hearted words of encouragement
I don't need your secondhand prayers
Just let me be myself
And I won't need to cuss you out
Or live with doubt
About the way people see me
Everyone wants to be seen rather than heard
But my words are the only way I'm visible
So why cut out my tongue
Then ask why I am not outspoken
Or some lesbian token
Just because I don't shed tears in front of you
Doesn't mean that I don't feel pain
You asked me why I wanted to **** myself
And I told you I wanted to be happy
A life without me seems almost perfect
But people tell me I'm worth it
So it must be true
I can look at the sky a thousand times
And still wonder why its blue

I hear words, but they're silent
Like the dead of the night
Do I make a noise?
As a falling tree
That no one can see?
I have no eyes to perceive
So I'm blind with no dog
But I am a dog
That goes back to his *****
I am the acid of a stomach
The putrid ferment
Of rotted nutrients
I'm the belly of the dead
A corpse is my being
So I am the one in a casket
Death is where I stand
Here I am Hear me now
Or don't, I don't.
Like a deaf bird with no ears
I fly without guidance
I'm hunted by the beast
Bang. Bang.
I was shot. I'm dropping
I hit the ground
Eaten.
By the savage devil
Satan is my name
I am the hell you see
Or possibly the heaven
I've fed your empty self
I'm vacuous though
Your filled with air now
But I won't have you breathe
Because your deceased now
Just like me
We're friends now right?
Ashes of the flaming leaves
We reek of decayed winter
There is no spring
So rest away my darling
Love is not here
We are not alive
Not real.
The end.

I used to think
that they
were overreacting.
A break up can't
hurt like that.
******.
It's all
true.
I reach for the
ice cream.
I must've gained
ten pounds since
I told you
I can't treat you
the way you
want to be treated.
I cannot sleep
at night
Because I
wonder if
you hurt
as much as me.
I cannot listen to
music.
Because every melody
is a memory
every lyric is
our story.

*******.

We spent too
much time together.
I told you everything.
I would spend a day
with you.
And when I got home
we'd talk on the phone.
Til the sun came up.
You were the only
one
who
knew
me.

This sinking pit
in my abdomen.
The word
****
constantly on the
tip of my tongue.
The feeling of
hating you
loving you
missing you
wanting you
forgiving you
loathing you.

I cannot
help but think.
I wasted time on you...

I shake the world from my feet
***** and unholy
Bring forth a new start

Stepping towards the mark
Lifted from trails
Blown through the altitude.

Blessed by love and torn from death
To gather hope ill be in your heart

When the day grows dark
The light shines on
My stride is stronge
My smile rung

But I'll keep on keeping on