you need someone to love
               you need to love someone

as I do
how easy I become
how flawless you are
how jealous we become
of each other's other worlds
until it closes in on us
and I love you so much
I love you so much

our heads tilt the same way
fingertips touch the same way
kiss the same
fear love pain
fear love pain
how naked this all has made me
shredded and stripped
torn down to nothing
I was stuck in a constant state
insomnia
you were like
a resurrecting whirlwind
and I want you to stay
I want you to stay

we'll have our midnight picnics
talks by the lake
while the oceans
and storms beyond
elude us
as our feet swing
we make our ripples
and they go on and on
and on
                           and on

I gave your voice to the sun
I tried to catch the stars in my hands
But they fell through and cut me
Sliced my fingers into two

There is nothing in the sky but your silence
Looks like the sun burned the sound of music away
And the stars sparkle on the floor from when they landed here
As for me I am nowhere
Nowhere

I tried to give your voice to the sun
But the sound of music burned away
And the stars, they fell one by one
Cut my hands away
Tried to give you to the sun

Our moon is incompatible
November's cold and grey
You have ***** fingernails
Whereas I try to wash the dirt away

And what I once thought was music
Was just the sound of a thousand shattering stars
And what I once thought was beautiful
Was merely a thousand glittering scar's

You are a silly little man-child
And I am just a little girl
But as for me, I am tired
Of the blunt beauty of this world

I am on Pluto dear
You are on Mars
We sold each other out honey
We destroyed the stars

Our shaking hands,
See they weren't made for  
cigarettes
And all these words, flowing through our heads
Weren't meant to let us
sleep


We were only 16
Scarred, but beautiful
Like broken things sometimes are
Rarely are
Young, nicotine stains
Lungs full of words we drowned in
Choked on
Burying friends we had grown up with

How sad
How sad

A year later

Another funeral
We all look older
Wrinkles on our foreheads
But were only seventeen
Too young for crows feet
Unmistakable
Unshakable
Grief painted in our eyes
And we couldn't even look at each other
A year later, shaking hands
Same nicotine stained fingers
On our baby hands as we threw the dirt
On his casket

Another year
*Another friend

thirteen is my favorite number
unlucky I know
but it works in my mind

it's perfect
and maybe partly it's because of how disliked it is
While me

I love how the one and the three go together
and make four

and I love how they seem not to be two
the one every one usually likes
but they really are

when you take one away from three
or when you give one to negative three

they are still two

the simple mathematics of one and three
they are the possibilities

the lonely one
and the three's a crowd
but two can be too much
when no one is talking

and spelling it out just seems right
with its t-t and its e-e
and the way your tongue almost reaches your lips
when you say it out

loud

So when they ask me to
pick a number between one and ten

my number will be four
but thirteen knows

thirteen is my favorite number

Ugly.
I will never be
beautiful.
I'm
useless.
It's a lie to say I am
going to make it.*
I am
Different from the other girls.
I am
not pretty.
Ugly.
I am not like them. They are
better.
My life will only get
worse.
I can't expect to get
My life in my hands.
It's time to end this, to take it.