1.) I will become engrossed in the written words of an author that grace the pages of my books and the words yet to be written as they collide over and over in my brain again and again until I am able to put pen to paper or my fingers to the keyboard and pour them out into works that flow from the very back of my brain to the (digital) ink on the paper

2.) I will strive to know your every thought and your every fear; your favorite coffee drink and your favorite store that ends in a vowel. though I will make no effort to allow you into the depths of my thoughts, to see anything deeper than the same bits and pieces of me that everyone else gets just from having their eyes scratch the service

3.) I’ll wake you up in the middle of the night with my panicked screams and heavy breathing as evidence that just because they left my life didn’t mean the nightmares did

4.) I am broken, though I won’t allow myself to seek comfort in your arms; no matter how understanding and welcoming

5.) I’ll never let myself believe I am deserving of the love that someone as passionate and affectionate as you could give

6.) I will cling to your side at all times, like a small child, for my own fear of people and my crutch to my anxiety

7.) When I somehow break and come to you, I will feel guilty; no one should be bothered with my problems but me. I could not force them on anyone as incredible as you

8.) I will apologize for every minor thing, be something that’s joked about or unspoken, for the thought that a tight grip on my waist and a name, anything besides my own, will follow

9.) I am afraid of relationships; I have a strong fear in putting my own happiness into something else. A sole beacon of hope and comfort and warmth that I have craved so long in darkness and the cold glare of my exes’ new girlfriends, for whatever they might have heard

10.) I’ll never feel like I give you enough, for someone like you will always deserve more than me

-  j. b. (march 20th, 2014)

it takes a real proud man to make a girl cry hard. most things a girl can cry off in ten minutes. Tough things. Like giving birth to big *** babies with their big *** heads and ****. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the deepest cries. Ones that come from the most hurt-felt part of a woman's soul. Ones that make your eyes close and your stomach sick. Ones that make your whole body freeze, and all you can think is, "i am responsible for this unbearable pain, on such a gentle woman's soul."

i am a master of this art. i have learned the call of the lone woman; almost a swan song, of a dying gentle soul begging to be heard. Begging, for the one who can save her to act before she drowns; to do anything but stand there and stare. Anything but let her die this lonesome death just out of reach of his arms.

i have a recipe for hurt. tested and tried thoroughly over the years, i can now say it is perfected. i can hurt beautiful souls and shatter their wonderful dreams, then so simply turn it around to make it sound like it was their fault. one may say this is a fine delicacy. i say it is the recipe to feed lost souls. ones who will be lost in limbo for all eternity because even in death, their pride was still too big for the afterlife.

there is a special talent i have that is unique for mastering the art of hurt. like x-ray vision it is a power to bring out, in other people, what they don't want anyone to see. i can bring out the worst in a beautiful soul faster than you can look in someone's eyes. i can make monsters of magnificent beings, then call them crazy and be on my way.

Leaving behind a faded tye-dye that's left to hang dry in the sun, knowing that her colours will never shine as bright as they once did, ever again.

.

You could never take anything less than perfect
That's why I wondered why you took me

You were the best thing that happened to me
and I'll remember our life for you

The way we met, at a coffee shop, how cliche
but you thought it was cute

First date, first sweat, first suit, first smile,
first laugh, first kiss, first love

We hung out more and even more
met your parents, and you mine

The beautiful chapel, huge cake. I admit it,
I don't remember much, just you

Happiness settled in like an old friend,
you gave me a present

But then suddenly you were gone.
one day here, the next not

You just left, got up and left me,
with barely anything

The scars are still red, but I've forgiven you
I know you couldn't wait

I'm kneeling on the ground, putting a rose where others lay
you can't imagine how I feel

A ray of sunshine personified in our
wonderful child toddles over

He looks at the odd gray stone in the ground
that's all that's left of you

Slumbered scratching into a bedside notebook
   lying in darkness under a thick blanket of revelation
Afraid that lamplight may blind these 3am eyes
   to the dim, wispy glow of mystical comprehension

Trusting that valued mysteries will later be deciphered
   from this barely legible scrawl of the night
Refusing to squander such moments of divine lucidity
   captured in a poetic hand written outside the lines

Reluctant to wait until morning lest the light of day
   exposes a tenuous relationship to reality
Causing rays of enlightenment to glance off its surface
   in beams of obscure and superficial logic

Tangential truths
   scribbled in the dark

the moon is waxing
the tide is flowing
my soul is coming into estrus

there are no answers
only decisions to be made
actions to be taken

the universe is waiting
courting my being
an invitation to expand

my hair's getting long, love
about as long as you would have liked
long enough to pull and squeeze
when we shared our kaleidoscopic bliss at night

people i haven't seen in a while
all have something to say
"hey man, i didn't know that was you!" they joked
last night as i set up my gear on stage

i'm glad you asked me to grow it, my fallen love
it's getting to the perfect length;
long enough to make me invisible
but long enough to give me strength

you see i always wanted to be a ninja
wear the ponytail of a samurai
i always thought it would just be cool
but last night i discovered why:

so i can be invisible to your love, my dear
like a ninja in the night
my hair will guide me right past you
without getting caught in the light

i'll slip right through your fingers
as my hair would slip through yours
using every new millimeter of every follicle
to remind me how long I can be strong for

the next time i see you, sweet dream
you won't even recognize me, i pray
i can only hope my heart won't be made of stone,

and just maybe

you'll be in the mood to talk to strangers that day

that we exist
that we are whole
that we are worthy
that we are accepted
that we are respected
that we are connected
that we are appreciated
that we are of consequence

that we even matter at all...