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I cannot turn back the clock,
Because I have finally ran out of luck.
Before everything,
Before the relationship,
Before Gabe died,
I should’ve been left as I was.
Nothing.
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I’m crying,
Yet I cry for joy,
For happiness.
I am home,
Safe and sound,
Surrounded by love.
I am home.
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I used to think I was untouchable,
I used to think I had God on my side.
I used to think I was a protector,
Turns out I’m a problem.
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I shall sit,
Let you continue on,
I’ll remain deep inside.
I shall watch you fall,
Falling off the mountains of lies,
To which makes you feel better for yourself.
The rising moon is soon,
Bubble and fester Into black nothingness,
Be what is meant.
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I’ve listed all I’ve done wrong,
I apologized for things out of control.
I continue to speak out,
Yet I’m not doing enough.
I’m not loving enough,
I’m not patient enough,
I am nothing.
They were all right,
Till the very end.
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He makes me quit drinking when I have my episodes,
He hides the knives I use on myself.
The words against him are vile,
Yet he returns it with a sweet smile,
And a soft I love you.
Continuously murmuring reassuring thoughts,
Even outside of a bathroom door he sits and waits.
He knows it’s just me,
My anger,
My Ptsd,
The once and final time using.
Letting him come through the door,
He kneels and holds the broken.
Caressing her frazzled short hair,
Wiping the tear stained cheeks.
A smile forms on his lips,
A gentle kiss to my nose,
“Welcome back my love, how do you feel?”
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I’ve blocked them out,
My counselor tells me it’s okay,
Let it out.
Yet I stay silent,
I shall let you fester whatever you make me out.
We pretended,
We lied,
We did this.
But it’s only me at fault,
And I’m the one on the couch,
Talking to a shrink.
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