I force myself to step outside onto the porch for a moment
To remember what fresh air tastes like,
And when I do,
I see that the trees are made out of clay
Modeled to near perfection but just off-right
And the sun is a flashlight someone set to hang from a domed glass ceiling
The lighting on the stage dialed to dismal but not quite dead
I'm breathing, I think, but it seems all too effortless to really be me
The people and things around me and myself all prop pieces in a play that may never have existed.

I don't want to be like this
I am missing something, it has rushed through my fingers like a waterfall does to hands
It is like someone took a knife to my soul and carved out a hole
Filled it with clamoring thoughts, intentions that aren't mine, the image of a boy
Who isn't really a boy hazy on the borders of my mind

I don't want to be like this

I want to be free but there is nowhere to run
The arbitrary despair like my sun
I cling to it though it burns me because there is no other way
There is no other way for me to live day to day

You're like this, my dear and I fear
that once you've crossed the line of illusion
there is no way to change,
the mark of the shade an indelible handprint on your forehead
a relapse just around the corner
strong enough to take your breath away

There is only one way to save me from myself
But I want to live more than I want to get away
So I will be like this

Here I'll stay.

I don't know what I need
But I need something right now
A friend, pain, therapy
I need something that understands
That my smile
Is just gritted teeth and silent screams
Quiet desperation attacks in cycle, over and over again

Awareness is not something that can just be removed or
Excised from your mind

It's like repressed memories
You can push them as far away as possible
But they will still leave their mark

I feel like someone just kicked me in the head and everything suddenly
shifted into place while I laid on the floor, stunned

I realized that not one single person on Earth
has any idea what they're doing

Oh, we get used to things
we memorize our facts
we unlock our doors, pay our bills
some of us write laws, some of us save lives
but not one of us is in control
not one of us really knows what we're doing

There's no adult left to tell you what to do
They have just as few answers as you
And even when you reach that hidden line
Nothing changes, you're still a clueless child fumbling with made-up things
and dreams, just with more responsibility
and more consequences

so many more
a web of lives tangled in your sleepy fingers

I don't understand how the whole world isn't huddled together in fear
Not one of us knows anything
But at least all together we could try to learn
we could find puzzle pieces, we could question the stars
we should help each other
instead of feeding our egos
Pretending we already know it all.

Sitting with my laptop on top of the blanket, hot against my legs
I feel like a writer
The ideas burning quickly through my mind
Characters, conversations conjured

Why do I always do this?
Abandoning yet another half-finished story, its characters crying for an ending
But a new story calls louder
This time, I'll finish it
Take four

I think I might know what it feels like to be adopted
You know where everything is in the kitchen and how to work the dishwasher
You walk the dog, you're a part of family movie night
You're accepted and loved
But some quiet part of you
Desperately asks to go home
Even though you know there is nowhere left to go