“do you love me?”
What does it mean when you ask me? How can you not tell?
If you can’t tell that I love you then maybe that’s just as well.
You see I’ve never felt love before, just lust, pain or adoration,
But I know it shouldn’t lie so easy with constant hesitation.
“Do You Love Me!?”
The question pierces my ear but my lips are not sincere
The words don’t roll off my tongue as easy does my eye.
My heart doesn’t beat in rhythm until the time we say goodbye.
I need to breathe, let me breathe. But all I do is sigh.
“DO YOU LOVE ME?!!”
How can you spit wasps at me when all I want to speak is butterflies?
Do you know what love is or is just easier to be cruel than to be kind?
How can I tell you, with tears, with yells, with infidelity? How do I tell you I love you? With lies, broken promises and charity?
“I’ll ASK YOU ONE LAST TIME, IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME THEN IT’S FINAL.”
Cocked gun at my head, pale blue vision turning scarlet red
“DO.”
It’s small led shaft pointed at my brain, no warmth left.
No time to say I’m sorry just forced words to relieve me of my breath.
“YOU”
Tie a noose to the yew tree and kiss me on the cheek.
It’ll bow down it’s branches and grow new roots. I’ll be ok, escaped to love another day.
“LOVE”
Pull the trigger, I won’t tell. You’ll never know, you can go to hell.
“ME?”**
Yes, of course I do. Why do you even have to ask?

I was struggling,
to feel
inspired - for so long
I was unable to form words;
coherent sentences

Then,
suddenly,
I became over-whelmed with incessant emotions
of albeit incoherent ramblings

The cause,
why of course -
it can only be
attraction
I'm too afraid to call it love

Torn, conflicted
Split in two

One half,
Awed by talent,
Impressed with skill,
Dismayed through maturity,
clouding my judgement

The other,
Transfixed,
Lingering emotions,
Pangs of jealousy surging,
with the signs of his distaste
He is the first,
the only one of any worth

I started off unable to write -
with a lack of inspiration
Now I am content with my inspiration
of emotional turmoil

It is
what I do
since the 50's
of my 18 years —

Mummy, do you
cry when you
walk away
and leave me
crying here (too?)

There were wars
where we fought it out,
like angry soldiers
without cause —
without loyalty...

So mummy, you should know,
I will forever
be loyal to you
even when I tell you
I am upset with you,
even when you
are digging your claws
so cluelessly
into my throat —

A fortune teller
once told you,
you told me,
that I didn't know,
sometimes,
if you loved me;
You said then,
"There's no way, right?"
like you weren't sure, and
I said, "Of course not."
I did not lie,
I know.
(even when my nightmares were of you forgetting me)

Like a person waking up from a car crash,
I know I have all my limbs,
I just don't
remember,
and I am just
scared.

So many times I've tried,
                             and so many times I've died.*

Bringing myself up every time
from the ashes of the past,
they burn with such sinister intensity.
Because hatred fuels the dancing flames,

                             *but I now know.
                     I am the Phoenix.