He thinks that I am fine
that fine is not code
that the pills could go away
that the therapist is a waste
that my time is not limited
He thinks I do not
exist in beats of two
two seconds from bleeding
two seconds from wanting
two seconds from falling
two seconds from dying
always two seconds from something

The rain pangs loudly
against my window as I
cry in time with it

It is the summer that burns my heart
so pure
a virgins soul clean of touch
but a soiled heart broken and used
so artisticaly done
and willingly accepted
the memories of touches past
seer  upon my mind far beyond
the words on the page
the look of pure ink

Your angel kiss is my muse
your lips my ground to
grow from
my roots have planted with your own
you are my own
and I your willing
willing repeat
willing constituent
willing sea
willing
to wait
to kiss your wounds
and lap at your words that have captured my devotion
you are my story
the shape of my nerves
I feel you in each breath
you are my own and I wish
for nothing more

I want bones to flaunt
hip bones
colar bone
cheek bones
ribs
I want the world to see me
thin
happy elagant
beautiful
so unlike myself.

Ill matched by all is the disappointment
Coursing through your heart you close
Your eyes to the world
Begging a silent forgiveness

You wish for a change
Your love sick heart can feel no more
Lest you wish to throw it all
To the waiting abyss

And what is the state of this aforementioned nothing?
It is yearning
It is lonely
It is nothing

In your emptiness you feel as that black hole does
Wishing to bring all in
But when at last you grasp something
It dies

I hate lying to you
You mean the world
I don't deserve you
you're good

You ask how I am
it is so hard to answer
My words choke me
I say i'm fine

It would **** you
if I told you how
I cry almost every night
trying to learn to be

I can't imagine life without you
but how is this fair for you?
I'm a mess but you love me
so you must not know whats wrong

Nobody could love me
if they understood
I scare myself with my problems
Why don't I scare you?

I love you
please hate me
so I don't break you
like me

I need to start closing my eyes
to all the worthelessness that is me
It's exhausting to hate yourself
More than you love to live.

I like to play pretend
and when I play under the stars
you are next to me
passing a cigerrete and singing
with me and to me
and it's beautiful
lets not forget our selfish kisses
and poetic commentary
and i'll never forget
the way you make me smile
Oh, and here is the best part
we're naked

I am not good at breathing
everything I see catches in my throat
and causes anxiety to hold my air
i've always been like that
but it's been worse these last few years
until I met you and I swear something cleared
Until I talked to you and I had to worry again
because you
you were perfect and how could I breathe when I had to replay what I had said to you that day
and let my mistakes keep me up all night
breathing is not important when I have thoughts to think
and cringes to feel
and tears to cry
and worries to have
and lists to make
and
and
and
and
and
stop
I stopped talking because you were in love and that is fine
because I was too worried about finals to remember that I even had feelings
so I forgot about you and had the worst summer of my life
as my scars can attest to
and I worried more that summer
about meaningless things than I ever have
I worried so much that I was thrown in to therapy and given pills to swallow
my head cleared but my chest still ached with that pit thats also a knot
Then I met someone and we were fine
but he never understood my kind of crazy and didn't like
how my hands would shake so much I couldn't hold his hand
and how I constantly pulled on the neckless he gave me until it eventually broke
and even after it broke I would scratch at where it hung because that helped me somehow
and how I couldn't kiss him goodbye if I was wearing lipstick because if it smudged oh god
and that I always looked down when I talked to him
and
and
and
and
and
and
and
stop
so we broke up and that's fine because I was never right for him
and things were quiet for a bit
then you
you told me you liked me and I swear I held my breath until you kissed me

and when you pulled away
I could breathe
there were no "and's"
and I wasn't fine I was wonderful
but then you had to leave for school
and I waited for my breath to catch
and bad lists to start
and it happened for a minute
but then I could breathe wonderfully again
because even though you left I still feel happy to have had you
even if it was just for a few weeks
you kissed me
and I believed you when you said nice things
and I could hold your hand
and look at you when I spoke
and I wasn't scared
and had no vices
and I didn't have to stop my lists because they were good lists
for the first time in my life
I could breathe

I feel artistic tonight
meaning a mess
I feel like a true poet
who knows of tie dye emotions;
heartbreak within passion
and sorrow for missing someone I haven't lost
well, yet

Why hold he hilt of your swords as if
poised
to strike, to blow
To live in that anticipation is a faulty life

man
upon the precipice of greatness will always turn
always falter
for the hand upon the hilt holds tighter then it's counterpart feathering the treaty

The brand upon your hat shows nothing but the fact that you
man
are among the masked
shown is your ideals of what goodness is but hidden is your role
are you significant
as each man must be
or are you no man at all
are you but a child playing the only game you know?

You are a prowler nonetheless
in the corridors of someones mind you
crowd their visage with your own
you
who favors the sword to the treaty you
are one of the decisions given power
to create more
or to **** it off with a rise of your hand

You say you can't want me
Because you have trouble breathing
When your head is under water
And it's your own hand pushing you under
I knew it all before
and I didn't expect much
but then you called me beautiful
why would you call me beautiful?
And **** I think you're beautiful

In this brand new world
with brand new rules
of passion play and war crimes
treaties blind trust
and kisses rake the coals
to stir up a flame in a once civil tongue
and that flame can burn but not to the nerves
only to leave scar on my memories and opinions
of you and you
you are gone from my mind once I finish this poem
because you are not worth the reaction in my blood
but you are worth the time it took to write these lines
because it's only kind to say goodbye
So goodbye and be safe
but never call me again

I'm here
I just thought I should let you know
since you don't care enough to check up on me
and isn't that perfect
when you are the only one I want to see me
before I die
what am I saying
I don't want to scare you
i'm not dying in any way that would effect you
so you don't have to worry about anything
I'm just killing myself a million times over
in my own mind
so it wont bother you
there wont be any mess to clean up
except for the one inside me
and darling it's a party in there
and i'm the death of it

my blood is blue ink
not black not red
but blue
free flowing ink
that needs to be
splattered
upon the page
its lust for paper burns its casing
that does not show its full majesty
blue ink flows freely through my veins
and I wish to let it go

You are a fluid definition of a reinvented word
in a reinvented world
you were my one that got away
then skinny love
always wonderwall
and now you're away again
you're my full circle drawn with a shaking hand
that couldn't connect the start to the end
we were always a broken wind up that was worth the tick during the song
we started broken now we're here
with something real that would have been beautiful
if the timing were different
But it was worth the pain
and I will miss you forever
because you're my sun
and i'm your moon
you light me up so bright

so have a grand time but please keep me in the stars
because if you ever want me
i'll likely be looking at them
wishing I could be there with you

I'm so sorry
my heart won't beat
it's fallen deep inside
And how are you?
With your whole pieces
Not shattered or broken
No you're fine
And some days I think
I'm dying
and God knows i'm trying
not to cry
But why wouldn't I
when you're so **** perfect
with your bright eyes
and simple words
and body that he wants
So don't look my way
don't mind my fall
you're perfect how you are
don't cry for me
when I die
just lay a flower down
And kiss him for me

I need you
Doctor
i'm a sad little girl with a crack in my wall
but i'm no Amy
I haven't got the guts
or the fire
i'm just scared
and I need you
Doctor
i've a dull life
missing something fantastic
but i'm no Rose
I could never make you
or anyone
love me
but I need you,
Doctor
to come and make me feel grand
to stop me hurting and hating myself
make me your Donna but
never let me forget
how beautiful you are
and I need you,
Doctor
to come save the day
but i'm no Martha
i'm not brave enough to walk away

my name is Devon
I need my Doctor
to come whisk me away
from this place that hurts
I need you to hold me
and save the day

Please,
Doctor

The fact that there are so many
people in this world
hurts

They fill each corner of the street
They move about so
messily

How can there be so many when
I am only one
How

They live their lives so differently from
how I live my
own

They seem reckless and so fortunate with
closed eyes and different
souls

I don't understand how there can be
so many people unlike
me

We are meant for more
not just wanderers
we are destined to move with a purpose

How we run has a pattern
yet to be discovered
Our intentions are unknown to our own souls

Nothing is aimless
all we do has a great purpose
that of which I do not know.

I woke up in a fort
with war ringing in my ears
and blood kissing at my feet
begging me to let it go
but i have signed my treaty
with the friendly line
who swore war upon my demons
and
though it may be thicker
ink is better than blood

Catch me i'm
F
  A
      L
        L
          I
            N
               G
Help me I'm
B
  L
    E
      E
        D
          I
            N
              G
Stop me i'm
D
  Y
    I
     N
        G

I'm on fire my love
every inch of me burns
with the ***** mix of emotions filling me
And blurring me
The sky is on fire my love
it's falling down on me
are you watching this
or am I the only one that can see it
I know it's falling
but I guess thats just me
My bed is on fire
while I write this poem
my tears would sizzle on to my grey quilt
if I had tears left to cry
My hair is on fire
the natural red of it has enhanced itself
it's unearthly and magical and beautiful
and I appreciate this singular beauty
while blood pools round me
and soaks my bed
my blood is on fire love
and I set it free

I support you hypocritically
call you handsome
tell you you are wonderful
apologize for the pain I can't stop

I love you so much
it hurts when you break
for reasons so pointless
the same reasons that make me cry

I say the cuts on your arm
are okay this time
but please don't do it again
I can taste the urge we both feel

I hold you so close
scared to let go
In vain I try to fix you
by holding you even tighter

It kills me when you cry
when your arms bleed
when you hurt
because you and I broke the same

I love you so much
I know you will never read this
but I wish you knew
how much I love you

What of your love is it
that causes angst to contort
round my chest as I
wander through the pityous chambers of life

And I, upon the fall
of night and Usher alike, I
can't help but to think
on the one who loves me not

I dreamt of your lips
on mine
all along my body
you kissed wild fire
that burnt me to my core
and your hands
in my hair and
on my thighs
and everywhere between
they were pallet and brush
my body your canvas
and darling
you can paint

let me live with your laughter
ne'er to far from my ears
Let me wipe away silently
all of your fears
let me live in a world
with your love pulling fast
at the chords of my heart
that alleviate pains of the past
Let me love you freely
so that you love me too
For I could never let go
of the love for you thats due

Is it odd I miss her
though I do not know
who she is
how she is she
and why she is her

Four AM words fall the easiest
no inhibition with the drunken night
just urges to act on and cuts to mend
It's easy to slip in to the four AM patter
where everything is *** and self loathing
and above all else it is poetry
not for the pure at heart
or those comfortable in life
day time is for them
Four AM is for broken hearts
and broken skin
for insomniacs
and maniacs
for the music
and for me

I don't know what it is
that I am referring to
but the only words I remember to say are
I
Can't

If his was mine
but mine not his
because it was yours
and yours was your own
but now yours is shared
and his is closed
and she wants yours
and I want none
but need for one
than who wants mine
not him
not her
not you

I am not sad today
how wonderful is that?
I don't feel a pit inside my chest
my eyes are dry for all to see

I smiled today
at strangers passing by
I laughed without force
I didn't hate myself

Today was pleasant
I love saying that
I didn't want to die tody
I am not sad today

I decided to be Whitman
but somehow turned small
and closed myself off
I started writing of myself, not the world
I grew nervous of having my work read
I preferred to die in ambiguity
rather than face judgement
Let my works grow from these roots
upon my final breath
Somewhere along the line
I became Dickinson

This bed is empty
Save for the pillow
I hold close to me
Oh god,
Is this lonliness?
I miss you
How strange
Considering I have never,
And will never
Have you
You told me so
That you could never want me
You would hate to need me
And above all else
You'll never love me
But you know who will?
This pillow
That I hold close to me.

I stood nearly naked in my yard this morning
facing the woods I let the world become me
and I felt it all
wind whipping my hair in to knots
grass tickling my knees
sun pouring unto my canvas skin
I breathed in all that is
was
and can ever be
it was infinite
and so powerful
I closed my eyes
and allowed my senses to guide me to the end of the earth
upon finding it
the universe grabbed my hand roughly
pulling me in to it's welcoming arms
and kissed me fiercely
then pushed me away
only to pull me in once more

If I have to break, let it be quietly
Let me turn from it all, without a mention
Until I am gone, don't speak of me
A selfless break will bring the long awaited peace

If I have to break, let me vanish
For years to come I am a phantom
A shadow of the abyss
An empty memory to those who broke the doll

If I have to break, let me be on stage
A stage of my creation
That empty stage with a spotlight
An empty theatre to compleat the scene

If I have to break, let it be painless
Yes, there is fear
A fear of the something, of feeling
A case not visible where I have been

If I have to break, let the world remember me fondly
Let them smile on my memory
As the years pass
Let them cry

If I have to break, let it be soon.

Oh my
I know you want me
i'm such a pretty mess
a painted doll with bright green eyes
and cuts that you can mend
I bat my eyes so cutely
when i'm trying not to cry
I turn my head and you grab me
Still in poised and in my dress

and what you see's not what you get

Because i'm no prize my dear
and I fall down when I cry
because my body shakes so horribly
and i'll always ask you why
why you care about my health my mind
and why you care to look at me
when my eyes are red and swollen
and i'm trying not to bleed
My lipstick smears away
across my face and on my hands
I will push you I will fight you
ball my fists up and i'll scream
till you can't stand the thought of me
and I slump down in defeat
because i'm no doll and I don't play
i'm just a little mess
a formerly pretty girl with scars on her legs
and sweetie
scars don't mend

Wish I may
wish I might
be the dream
you dream tonight
while I cry
over thoughts of you
not  fully formed
not ever through
I hope the lights
are gifts from you
but they turn before
the gift comes through
I can't count the times
I spent the night
wishing you were here
but instead I fight
the demons laying
by my side
who grew from wishes
I can't hide
you know i'm yours
and you made me fear
that you would forget
i'm waiting here
and fears come true
tonight it seems
that forgetting me
wasn't a dark dream
so wish I may
wish I might
be the dream
you remember tonight

If it makes you less sad i'll **** myself now
why prolong it when I seem to hurt you with each breath
for what follows my inhaling is words and that is what pains you
because, as you said, I have no compassion

I know I'm awful and how dare I think otherwise
I will get bad again if it makes you better I will do that for you
anything for you my best friend because I do love you
though you think me stupid I am smart enough to know love

But not compassion, that thing you said I have none of
no compassion to speak of, just knives wielded upon you
just knives wielded myself
just knives wielded upon all
  
What can I do to say I'm sorry
should I always answer yes to all you ask of me
should I just not speak anymore
Would that make you less sad?

I just want you to feel good and I thought I was helping
I thought I was making you better by telling you what bad is
but it just made you very angry at me and now we're fighting
I should've known better than to try to tell you something

I am very sorry that I am so stupid
it must be such a burden for you, having me near
my stupidity clogging your pores
I am sorry I can't express myself without hurting you

So if it makes you less sad i'll take those pills now
nobody will stop me so why don't I
You would feel so much better without me
It could be so easy so why don't I

I was getting some coffee today when I saw you
this man who stared at me in such a way that I cringed
you frightened me sir, with the way you licked your lips
I could see you do so sir, I also saw the way your eyes raked my body
You were on the other side of the thin street, the side I needed to cross to.
I waited for you to move, but you did nothing
You just kept staring at me

I read maps
like story books holding a premonition
each line is a road I will travel
for I will know this world
as I have known my own mind
in my way
this world will become my own
I will hold it within my soul
so that when I die I will have seen all
and known each being to their core

I sometimes forget what it is
that I don't like about school
there is the stress
and the people
and the early hours
and sleepless nights for homework
but I can live with that
what it is that I don't like
is that it stops my creativity
and holds words in my head
since all day I have to sensor my
speech
thoughts
actions
laughs
and even my smiles
thats what I don't like about school
it stops me from being a poet

I thank the universe each night for the stars
because I know you will always be under them
at the exact moment i find myself
laying awake beneath them
wishing you were here to share my blanket
but no
I would hate for you to see me crying

I feel it tonight
All of the empty touches
From memories gone to rest

Your kisses were perfect
a mix between sweet pecks that I smile for
and rough passion so raw that I shiver wonderfully at the memory
the line your mouth traced brought gasps to my own
and each bite soothed by a kiss left a mark that I adore
though i've dreamt of the specifics
and thought endlessly of your lips
nothing could prepare me for how wonderful
you and your kisses are
and your hands
they are perfect
in their wandering way
each touch sent a heat wave through my body
and it was all I could do not to moan rather obscenely
and you
you called me beautiful
and looked in to my eyes
and smiled
and flirted
and held my hand
and ran your fingers through my awful hair
and you made me feel
wonderful

I thought you were holding me last night
when I woke up full of heat
I felt an arm draped over me
and a body pressed against mine
and I smiled
thinking my dream had come true
and in the four am haze
I let myself fall asleep
smiling in to my pillow
when I woke up that morning
I no longer felt you
but saw a head of tousled black hair
I frowned remembering that you were not there
couldn't be there
but smiled remembering the pretend feeling
of waking up with an arm around me
that could one day be yours

If I could catch myself
save my tears from heaving
from racking my chest about
I would kiss you
With a passion so deep
it is not in the kiss
but in my eyes.
The green fades as
the black spreads
showing off my lust.
The lust I would feel
if I could manage
to kiss you

I wrote you a poem
how silly is that
since I know you will never read it
But it's for you
it spells your name between the lines
It breathes you in
and exhales my want

Come on skinny love, just tell me so
I'm waiting here and all the world,
they seem to know

My dearest friend just hold me close tonight
Sleep neath the moon far from the world
Until we see the light

If you don't mind i'll share this night with you
this night and those forever to come
as those in love will do

And this love I thought you would dismiss
prove me wrong and in this moment, finally
let us share a kiss

The Scientist makes sense
because this isn't easy
and I am not ready for you to go
so take us back

you're not even gone yet
but you are already haunting me
through the waisted years
when we should have been as we are now

but I know that isn't true
now is perfect because we are finally who we need to be
not to be right for each other
but to just be right

Is it wrong for me to wish
for more time to kiss your lips
and hold your hand
and just to talk
because I love your voice
and the things you say
make me impossibly happy
you make me so **** happy

maybe it's right that you are leaving
maybe i'm just some filler and your perfect girl is waiting for you
and this is exactly what is supposed to happen
or maybe this is karma
finding it's way back to me
In my past lives I must have been the most despicable of beings
because loosing you just when things feel wonderful
is the worst punishment i've yet endured

I want all of the years back
I want them exactly the same
I just want to watch them over
because I need more time with you
I want to see you for the first time
because I don't even remember meeting you
you were just there
and you haven't been gone from my thoughts since
I want the fresh sting of my freshman year
when I was just some weird girl who couldn't say anything right
I want the end of that year
when I cried because I knew you wouldn't talk to me all summer
because you were in love and I was still strange
I want to remember that kind of pining
the kind that was all what ifs and imagination
I want that moment when we became friends
and nothing more
I want to remember what it was like to just be your friend
but I don't want to linger there
and I want that night when you told me you liked me
so I can feel that jolt run through me once more
And God I want today
I want it to never end
I want you with me, kissing me
and telling me everything is real
I want it all back and I never want to forget

no one ever said it would be this hard
please take me back to the start