I will lay red
with three letters
in one syllable
list fast and harsh the
lines as follows
dark bore from my soul
inadvertently so
eventually creating the vertical

I decided to be Whitman
but somehow turned small
and closed myself off
I started writing of myself, not the world
I grew nervous of having my work read
I preferred to die in ambiguity
rather than face judgement
Let my works grow from these roots
upon my final breath
Somewhere along the line
I became Dickinson

I think i've gotten it back
my power
my strut
the sway of my hips
and sharp lines of my looks
have returned to me
just because of tonight
tonight was fantastic
my knuckles bled from the strength behing my punches
my core ached from holding technique so firmly
I saw stars with each kick
and it was amazing
but above all else
I  am  **back

This is one of those days
where I know i'm dying
and that there is a blade in my drawer
I just couldn't throw away
that coud help to speed up the process
Someone asked me how I am so happy all the time
they said they wish they could be more like me
and god that makes me feel so guilty
like i've somehow made a standard in someones life
that what I am is happy
but they can never attain what I am
because i'm a fake smile
and one more bad day away from dying
because
of all the things screaming at me in my head
the only ones I clearly hear
are the ones telling me to do it

I'm here
I just thought I should let you know
since you don't care enough to check up on me
and isn't that perfect
when you are the only one I want to see me
before I die
what am I saying
I don't want to scare you
i'm not dying in any way that would effect you
so you don't have to worry about anything
I'm just killing myself a million times over
in my own mind
so it wont bother you
there wont be any mess to clean up
except for the one inside me
and darling it's a party in there
and i'm the death of it

I do believe
I have fallen
For the idea of you
You girl of words
And nothing more

I read maps
like story books holding a premonition
each line is a road I will travel
for I will know this world
as I have known my own mind
in my way
this world will become my own
I will hold it within my soul
so that when I die I will have seen all
and known each being to their core

He thinks that I am fine
that fine is not code
that the pills could go away
that the therapist is a waste
that my time is not limited
He thinks I do not
exist in beats of two
two seconds from bleeding
two seconds from wanting
two seconds from falling
two seconds from dying
always two seconds from something

I don't know what it is
that I am referring to
but the only words I remember to say are
I
Can't

I am not sad today
how wonderful is that?
I don't feel a pit inside my chest
my eyes are dry for all to see

I smiled today
at strangers passing by
I laughed without force
I didn't hate myself

Today was pleasant
I love saying that
I didn't want to die tody
I am not sad today

The fact that there are so many
people in this world
hurts

They fill each corner of the street
They move about so
messily

How can there be so many when
I am only one
How

They live their lives so differently from
how I live my
own

They seem reckless and so fortunate with
closed eyes and different
souls

I don't understand how there can be
so many people unlike
me

We are the worlds children
with glitter on our face
who scream to be noticed
then are shoved down to "our place"

Hated for the love we give
by those who live in fear
We try not to cry in front of those
who we can manage to keep near

Life mocks us as we break the fall
of those who feel as we do
We yell for all the world to hear
The world who we have lied to

Rights are denied to us
as is so often said
The right that I wish to enjoy most
Is the right to clear my head

Fear so often permeats the place
where I should be at ease
My dreams have been stolen from me
By those who think the tease

But never for a moment would
I wish to change who I am
All I wish is to one day be wed
be it to a woman or a man

I recall an infinite moment closing in upon the shelter
where upon you grabbed me with loose fists that couldn't find their purchase
I was lost unto that gropping crowd who found my body welcoming
though I guarded and I voiclessly screeched the hands continued their searching
But for what were they searching, for invitation and enjoyment?
No, wandering hands want only for the challenge they are provided
I would never welcome their grip, I would sooner cut them at the wrist before I relented
I was lost through that year in the sea of searching hands
the ones who long only for the pain they can provide
But exactly a year on from the start you found me
With stronger fists you beat the slimy hands away from me whereupon they turned to dust
And I, for the moment, was free

I dreamt of your lips
on mine
all along my body
you kissed wild fire
that burnt me to my core
and your hands
in my hair and
on my thighs
and everywhere between
they were pallet and brush
my body your canvas
and darling
you can paint

I support you hypocritically
call you handsome
tell you you are wonderful
apologize for the pain I can't stop

I love you so much
it hurts when you break
for reasons so pointless
the same reasons that make me cry

I say the cuts on your arm
are okay this time
but please don't do it again
I can taste the urge we both feel

I hold you so close
scared to let go
In vain I try to fix you
by holding you even tighter

It kills me when you cry
when your arms bleed
when you hurt
because you and I broke the same

I love you so much
I know you will never read this
but I wish you knew
how much I love you

If it makes you less sad i'll **** myself now
why prolong it when I seem to hurt you with each breath
for what follows my inhaling is words and that is what pains you
because, as you said, I have no compassion

I know I'm awful and how dare I think otherwise
I will get bad again if it makes you better I will do that for you
anything for you my best friend because I do love you
though you think me stupid I am smart enough to know love

But not compassion, that thing you said I have none of
no compassion to speak of, just knives wielded upon you
just knives wielded myself
just knives wielded upon all
  
What can I do to say I'm sorry
should I always answer yes to all you ask of me
should I just not speak anymore
Would that make you less sad?

I just want you to feel good and I thought I was helping
I thought I was making you better by telling you what bad is
but it just made you very angry at me and now we're fighting
I should've known better than to try to tell you something

I am very sorry that I am so stupid
it must be such a burden for you, having me near
my stupidity clogging your pores
I am sorry I can't express myself without hurting you

So if it makes you less sad i'll take those pills now
nobody will stop me so why don't I
You would feel so much better without me
It could be so easy so why don't I

Life is a prowler in the night
It steals from you and scares you
so you cannot sleep or breath when
you know that it is there

This is a place I am not alone
Wind whistles and I do not cry
as time floods through the overgrown grass
that envelopes my naked knees

I stand on this hill
Poised for love to paint me
in to its folds of memories
and eternally weeping hold

Now is my time to live
to enter the ranks of those
who walk each day with
the confidence to exist softly

I built a home within
this ever bleeding heart that
will always exist for you
my long lost love I will never know

You are my stranger fixed
on a point in time I can't find
The one I can never meet is
the one I will always love

So I am planted with these roots
that happily search the soil
for a purchase to grow from
as I wait above for everything

I'm on fire my love
every inch of me burns
with the ***** mix of emotions filling me
And blurring me
The sky is on fire my love
it's falling down on me
are you watching this
or am I the only one that can see it
I know it's falling
but I guess thats just me
My bed is on fire
while I write this poem
my tears would sizzle on to my grey quilt
if I had tears left to cry
My hair is on fire
the natural red of it has enhanced itself
it's unearthly and magical and beautiful
and I appreciate this singular beauty
while blood pools round me
and soaks my bed
my blood is on fire love
and I set it free

I thought you were holding me last night
when I woke up full of heat
I felt an arm draped over me
and a body pressed against mine
and I smiled
thinking my dream had come true
and in the four am haze
I let myself fall asleep
smiling in to my pillow
when I woke up that morning
I no longer felt you
but saw a head of tousled black hair
I frowned remembering that you were not there
couldn't be there
but smiled remembering the pretend feeling
of waking up with an arm around me
that could one day be yours

I don't much feel like being a person today
I would rather fall in to the pit
then put in the effort to dig myself out of it
I'm far to exhausted to give a ****

I feel immensely alone and utterly empty
it seems all people wish to evade me though
they have indeed spoken to me all day
I'm stuck in a state of dreaming

Today I feel like playing pretend. I am thin, happy,
on stage, loved, people wish to see me and call
my name as I pass, in awe of my magnificence
I radiate confidence and kindness as I glide through life

But none of this seems to be true
I am living life in this dream that turns nightmarish
when another wakes me from my conscious mind
and I am forced to enter that empty place

That empty place inhibited by the rest
by those who live life for the sake of living
who laugh and cry for beauty, truth, and love
while I weep for myself and my pitiful existence

If only I believed at least one of them could understand
the state of living half dead and half asleep
I don't allow myself to except them as they are
They are people who I take the opportunity from

I don't give them the chance to know me, though who
is to say they would like such a chance? They deny
me the gift of living by their existence
they confound and terrify me in a way that causes me to float

I hover above life, never engaging in it.
Why shouldn't' I take a final plunge, i'm always two seconds
from that rattling bottle, that rope, that gun.
Why not reach for it and hold it lovingly like they hold their lives?

I welcome the thought of death in my conscious mind and
subconscious alike. Should I be struck down I would not weep
for my body or soul. I would instead thank the opportunity
to  break away from this mindset without the fault on myself

So why don't I go home and gather up all the pills
find a sturdy rope in the garage and a tall chair
lock the door to my room, tie a knot, swallow the liquor, wait ten minutes
and jump.

I think I might just  do that.

The pain is gentle enough to love
a sweet surrender to the existence
of heaven and  hell as they collide
inside of this broken lust

I urge the empty away with thoughts
that capture you in full
Thoughts of your eyes and
of the glint they hold

Secretly ****** and confident
of what they represent
I fell for those eyes so long ago
and finally I allow them to work

I let the need rush through my soul
I feel your name dance on my tongue
I love the pain of wanting you
I need for the existence of this sin

I wish for a time
when fire and ice can feel
this collision and
live through it

I wish for their survival
so they may know
the ecstasy felt in a match so wrong
It ends all that they are.

So there is this girl
whom I have never met
but she is beautiful
and I love her
for all I have made her in my mind
I have seen her picture
felt her soul
heard the words I wish she would say to me
God she is beautiful
and I want her
with every fiber of my being
I want her

let me live with your laughter
ne'er to far from my ears
Let me wipe away silently
all of your fears
let me live in a world
with your love pulling fast
at the chords of my heart
that alleviate pains of the past
Let me love you freely
so that you love me too
For I could never let go
of the love for you thats due

If his was mine
but mine not his
because it was yours
and yours was your own
but now yours is shared
and his is closed
and she wants yours
and I want none
but need for one
than who wants mine
not him
not her
not you

What of your love is it
that causes angst to contort
round my chest as I
wander through the pityous chambers of life

And I, upon the fall
of night and Usher alike, I
can't help but to think
on the one who loves me not

This bed is empty
Save for the pillow
I hold close to me
Oh god,
Is this lonliness?
I miss you
How strange
Considering I have never,
And will never
Have you
You told me so
That you could never want me
You would hate to need me
And above all else
You'll never love me
But you know who will?
This pillow
That I hold close to me.

I hate lying to you
You mean the world
I don't deserve you
you're good

You ask how I am
it is so hard to answer
My words choke me
I say i'm fine

It would **** you
if I told you how
I cry almost every night
trying to learn to be

I can't imagine life without you
but how is this fair for you?
I'm a mess but you love me
so you must not know whats wrong

Nobody could love me
if they understood
I scare myself with my problems
Why don't I scare you?

I love you
please hate me
so I don't break you
like me

Oh God
I can't breath
I won't eat
I wanna scream
I wanna die
bleeding out
I wanna cut myself in to pieces
crashing down
tying  knots
writing notes
bleeding out
I wanna cut myself in to pieces

I need to start closing my eyes
to all the worthelessness that is me
It's exhausting to hate yourself
More than you love to live.

Is it odd I miss her
though I do not know
who she is
how she is she
and why she is her

All the cars turn right
before they can complete
the thought they have formed in my mind

I was getting some coffee today when I saw you
this man who stared at me in such a way that I cringed
you frightened me sir, with the way you licked your lips
I could see you do so sir, I also saw the way your eyes raked my body
You were on the other side of the thin street, the side I needed to cross to.
I waited for you to move, but you did nothing
You just kept staring at me

What the hell is it?
Someone please tell me why I feel so empty
Why is there a hole in my chest?

is it me
is it him
is it you

Probably you
because you don't love me
no matter what

you can't love me
despite my best efforts
you wont need me

And isn't that just ****.

I wrote you a poem
how silly is that
since I know you will never read it
But it's for you
it spells your name between the lines
It breathes you in
and exhales my want

Catch me i'm
F
  A
      L
        L
          I
            N
               G
Help me I'm
B
  L
    E
      E
        D
          I
            N
              G
Stop me i'm
D
  Y
    I
     N
        G

I guess
I should lay down
when I get dizzy
instead of standing in my pink room
and twirling more and more
until everything
save for Freddie
goes away
and I believe his words

I don't want to stop at all

I love you until I break
With passion and with tears
I will hold you until I crumble
I will mask you without fears

I need you until I am gone
the lasting throb of the heart
A pain that can't help remember
The bitter sting of part

I revel in the love we hold
I worship its existence
I last to make us last as one
The love will be  persistent

I empty out my darkened heart
to make room for your light
I clean out all the cobwebs now
that go without a fight

I love you until I break
for I know it will be soon
I need you when at last I reach
the breath that seals my doom

I'm here because i'm hurting
I'm here because i'm sick
I'm here because i'm dying
From things they can't predict

I'm here because they need me
I'm here because of their plight
I'm here because I am the demon
who keeps them up at night

I'm here because the world is broken
it's bent  beyond repair
I'm here because all hope has gone
To those who've had it fair

I'm here because, if they fix me
I will be here no more
I'm here because each day we wake
Our muscle aching sore

I'm here because time wears on
I'm here because my heart beats
In unison with that clock
That beats till we both cease

I'm here because we're hurting
I'm here because we're sick
I'm here because we're dying
Just listening to the tick

I tire of the games played
by lonely hearts and broken minds
I wish to enter a peaceful place
where our love is nothing more
then a closed one sealed away
from the world so that no power
could interrupt us as we make our life
We will be a solid love

I spent
all night
crying over you

I wept
until the
pain started killing

I could
not cry
any more tears

Everything broke
time froze
while I died

I broke again dear
my heart is falling apart
because I hurt you

I think what I need
is for you to not need me
If i didn't feel like you needed me
I could think for myself