i used to try and
make my own arkwork but
everytime i did
i ended up with cut up skin and
tarnished hair clippings.
now i just
color in the lines of a
childrens book
and hope that
the bad thoughts
leave me
alone.

No one chooses to be sad
Except for the attention seekers.
I didn't become sad for fun
My doctor even said I might have a form of depression.
It's like you're running up these stairs that never end or
You're trapped in a box and someone says they're trying to help you but
They keep the ladder a secret.
You can't just 'decide' to be happy
Or sad.
The only reason I saw the light was because
Of certain people.
And if you still think that
Sadness is something you just 'decide' to do
Then try to remember how I was in the beginning of the year:
I was happy,
I ran for president,
I had a boyfriend.
i felt so important

All of that is gone.

Who would want to get rid of that?
Not me.

But I'm getting better,
And everything will get better.

I've kissed girls
In my head
Many times.
Never in real life but
In my head, yeah.
They're usually a model or a friend like
Cara Delevingne or
Skylar.
But well,
It'll never happen because
Eh,
I'm crazy.

I think I have more of a chance with
Cara though personally.
I'll just make out with someone else
Until then.

I leaned my bike up against the gate and
Sighed.
Leaning against the window was the girl
thee girl
The girl with her usual
Frappe in hand
And book in the other.
Her flowing red hair
And glasses
With bright pearls brimming and
Shining against her pink lips.
Her face
Fair and clean
Rosy cheeks and
A smile.
Her clothes
Grey beanie
Flowy top
Jeans and
Combat boots.
Rings and
Jewelry galore
And
Even some tattoos.
shes perfect
I think to myself as I
Picked my bike back up and
Started riding away.

I wish to see your
Face again,
That eyes that
Make me flutter.
I wish to see your
Face again,
And this time not
Say words that stutter.

It's funny,
Never being enough.
I look in the mirror and
Laugh.
Ew, I hate my
Legs
Stomach
Throat
So much I could just
Glide a knife and slit
It right off.
Maybe if I go
Far enough I won't
Feel a thing.
But the sad part is
I feel too much.
I would stop eating but
I don't have enough willpower.
I would put a knife to my wrist but
I'm trying to be strong for y'all.
I would put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but
I'm not ready to go.

I'm yearning for your
Lips right now;
To be pushed up against
Mine.
I'm yearning for your
Lips right now;
To be kissing up and down my
Spine.

Still trying to
Understand
Why.
Why?
Why do you look at me
With those eyes?
So green yet
So blue.
So perfect and
*so you.

I want you so much.