Yeah you’re right
There’s this gapping whole
Inside of me
And it just grows constantly
Mostly because I feed it
With the thoughts that haunt me at night
And there’s nothing I can do to fill it
It even swallowed my heart
Desperately I try to retrieve it
But no matter how far I stretch my arms
I could never reach it

Dogs are "more loyal" then men
But dogs
Are a mans best friend

I saw you gasping
Thrashing

Mouth gaped open
Pearly white teeth

Laughter gone
Misery glued to your face

Dying
Sinking

Blue eyes
Blood shot red

Inches from death
Hero, I am not one

The savior is dead
Threw you a life jacket instead

Saved your life
Except, I'm the one drowning

Broken heart
The goal is to depart, sickening earth  

Hurt, Suicides a killer
It'll take you, Quicker then any steel

Instantly
Then any bullet shell

Rope burns
Snapped neck

Broken veins
Spilled flesh

Lost soul since 10 years
Blood filled tears

Devils advocate
Bully magnet

Contract unfulfilled
Until suicide kills

Ground quaking
The rails rattle
Pebbles jumping
Panic written as a bad punchline on the conductors face
So he yanks the chain link lever
And blast the horn
It rings in my ears like a siren
As he aims it at my face
Hoping to invoke enough fear in me
That’ll make me move out of my place
And even though
The light at the end of the tunnel is closing in
It doesn’t raise the hair on my skin
Because I’m plague with thoughts from within
Repeatedly playing over and over again
Where are you now that I need you

You’re 24
Inside you’re colder then the morning tide
And the anger you carry around
Hotter then the sunrise
It’s been awhile since another has made your heart soar
Maybe that’s why your hide
Is thicker then a Russian boar
So caught up in not getting emotionally attached
You lost that thing that made you human
Buried everything down so deep
That the soil weeps
Keep this up
And you’ll die before you ever feel your heartbeat

I wish I was asleep
I hate being awake

Because it’s *****
I feel like I’m emotionally stuck

I got the worse luck with love
Either that

Or a serious case of bad luck
I wish I was sleep

So I could dream of a better me
Someone who’s always joyful and happy

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes
Permanently

But not to prey
Because sense you’ve been gone
I’ve misplaced my faith

You might think that I’m just,
Lazy

But give me a break
I just hate to be awake

I hate the new you
The person you've become
What happen to laughing for no reason
And being silly just for fun
You use to enjoy making people laugh
But now you barley get along with anyone
What happened
What made you so uptight
You use to stroll at an angle
Just because everyone one else walked up right
But now you swear
Thinking of drinking
And blowing smoke in the air
It breaks my heart to see who've you become
You use to have so many friends
But the trust you lost
Made you walk away from everyone
Doesn't seem like you plan on turning back
But what can I do
You never listening to any advice
Even if it's coming from you

I never thought
That snippets of my past would catch up with me now

Little by little
They’ve been flooding in

And I’ve lost some courage
And wouldn’t dare dive in them now

Great swimmer, but stranded in the middle of the sea
Even Michael Phelps would drown

And all the while I’m drifting
A boat appears

Circling desperately
Here to rescue me

Written on its side
“Love is the way”

I can see it on the Captains face
He doesn’t want me to stay

But love is what got me here
Stuck, stranded

And to afraid to be saved by it now
So instead

I let it sail on a head
Maybe next time

It’s rushing in
Already up to the dash
Drowning in the pain of my present
Future
And past
And I caused this crashed
Swerved off the road trying to dodge all of my issues
Trapped by the seatbelt, strapped to the seat
So tightly bonded by it
I can feel the blood filling into my cheeks
Even if I could move freely
The more the water rushes in
The will to live doesn’t seem to motivate me enough to try and escape
My head is all banged up
And the pain from the whiplash
Rings and gnaws in the back of my head like a migraine
Skull cracked like the bumper
Blood spills out
Like the water flooding in from the shattered glass
There’s no one riding shotgun
Except the issues
While the anger and pain
Rides in the back seat laughing and slapping hands
But they don’t shield me from the impact
Or stop the full force of the blow
I tried to hide my hurt
Maybe that’s why I ride alone
But you could see it clearly like the tire tracks in the dirt
I’ve always tried to convince myself pain is mental
And the more I didn’t think about it
It would all go away
But now that the water is all the way up to my neck
And breathing is a luxury I’ll soon forget
You can lie to yourself all you want but you can’t fool your own heart

Why does it rain
When the sun shines
Dude are you blind
It’s just Mother Nature
Laughing and crying at the same time

I hate to burden you with this
But you’re in everything I do
It’s like you’re my reflection
My eyes are dark brown
But somehow the eyes looking back at me
Are now a burning bright green
My short black hair
That’s curled with waves
Fans out
Past my shoulders
Now it’s a brunettes brown
My Carmel skin
Turns pale
Like it hasn’t seen enough of the suns glow
If I were to raise my arm
So would you
I can no longer look in the mirror and cry
That means you would too
Plus all I feel is happiness whenever I see you
So I smile as much as I can
Because I know you’re smiling too
I’ve always looked in my mirror and felt alone
But now I know your always on the other side
It’s like you’re in my mirror
The reflection looking back at me
You might be the love of my life
I just hope
Whenever you looking in yours
You’re seeing me

I’m promise I’m nothing special
You caught a glimpse of my potential
You’d fall in love
And catch me climbing out the back window
My heart is frozen over
Emotions colder then December’s weather
I want to be loved
But with me there’s no forever
Don’t bet on me
You can do better

Don’t open locked doors to previous pain unless it’s a time travel machine that’s leads to the future,present or past

Flew into the heart of the storm
To afraid to look over my shoulder
I know it’s nothing but an empty seat
Co pilots missing
As always it’s only been me
A message from the tower
Chimes in like the voice in my head
But it just comes across as static
Message unclear
Warnings missed
Is it my fault?
Alone in the cabin
But I still decided to take off
Couldn’t hold on
No applicants deem fit
All protocols cleared
Now I fight to keep the plane in flight
Carrying the hurt and hate
The pain and fear
Saddens and embarrassment
All seating in their separate chairs
But this is where we might all go down
Engine one failed
Brace for impact
The turbulence was stronger then we feared

If you looked out your window  
It's my eyes you would see
Peeping in
Watching you clean dishes over the kitchen sink
And I could feel my heart sink
You glanced out
Overlooking me
Standing right in front of you
This made me angry
And sadly
I wanted to lash out
And thrash you
Pound you into the ground
Treat you like the trash I was branded as
But I wouldn't dare hurt you
So madly in love
I could stand here for hours just staring at you
Frozen in place
Lost in the depth and portrait like features of your face
The sight of your long red hair
Gave me chills
As I forced myself to imagine how it would feel
So lost in the thrill
My thoughts were so strong
I begged they became real
Caught up in our reality
Only to the sound of my heavy breathing
I was snapped back on track
And as I relaxed
You were gone

I watched you get undressed
So nervous  
I became drenched and soaking wet
As I started to sweat
I was your personal security system
Monitoring you
Until you feel asleep
Inside I stared to cry
Unable to watch you dream
I wanted to shout, punch and scream  
I could no longer stand the view from here
You I wanted to be near
I borrowed the spare key you hid
I figured it was put there purposely
For me
Even though I wasn't suppose to be within 100 yards of you
I always let myself in
This wasn't the first time
I would take a tour around your house
Roam through your fridge
And take a bite of the cookies left out
After I would quickly sneak up the stairs
Tip toeing
Matching the rhythm
Of the tick and tock echoing from the grandpa clock
No need to creep through your door
Or pretend that I knocked
It was always open
At the edge of your bed
I would stand
And caress your bedsheets in the palm of my hands
While watching you breathe
You never made a sound
No noise or a peep
So peacefully you sleep
And I stood there
In a trance
Frozen
Like a statue or a tree
I could never stop watching you

I’ve hurt enough
At the point of giving up
But when I look in your eyes
And catch a glimpse your smile
You make me forget
I got the worse luck with love

Now I realize
You are my healing
The first and the last
Could we trust In destiny
I can’t see the end of this
I just want to feel your kiss
Just one time on my lips
I realize how much I need you
And how much I love you

I haven’t seen you do this in awhile
It’s 2018
And you still haven’t cracked your first smile

The way you walk that’s me
The way you talk thats me
The reason your up past dawn
With an hour of sleep
On the brink of losing your mind
Urges of drugs
And thirst for a burning drink
You’d take anything to unwind
Yes indeed that’s me
Im the reason you seem to drown in the tears
I can’t tell if it’s courageous
Or dangerous
You think you have no fears
But a man who fights his emotions
And holds back his tears
Clearly still feels
Yes
You’re cold now
But who do you think molded you this way
You’re my personal entertainment
My mud
My clay
If you were to rush into battle
I’d be your sword
And your shield
Let’s face it, you’re only you because of me

I wear shades
To hide my eyes

A raging storm sits behind them
Stained red from constantly fighting back the high tides

But id die a thousand deaths before I ever cry

I wear shades so you can’t see my eyes
I’m afraid the longer you stare

The quicker you’ll become aware
Of how they’re so empty

Lack sympathy
And dead inside  

I wear shades
Not to save them from the sun rays

But to hide from everyone’s view
They make me invisible

There was only one person
Who I ever wanted to see me

But she walked away
And left me with these shades

Excuse me miss
Just to let you know
This was everything
Truth be told I sometimes pick up the phone
Just to make sure you haven’t messaged me
Muted conversations
Doesn’t stop the typing
Sometimes I hate the response
Because you just send me silence
But I’m use to the neglect from you
Excuse me miss
Do you sometimes miss me?
Do I miss you?
I run from those revelations frantically
But thoughts of you chase me
Hoping I have the stamina for this marathon
My sprints fall into a jog
There’s no ending in sight
I thirst
But no amount of consumed water cures the dehydration
Because the water wasn’t poured from you
Why must the future be filled with such uncertainty

Sip sip
That's all he ever did
Until the words that fell off his lips became slurred
Afterwards
His verbal abuse were mimicked by his fist
Sip sip is all he ever did  
He drank so much
He would stumble through the house
Like his vision was blurred
He sips until the liquor was the sweat that poured out of his skin
He sipped until his kidneys began to fail
His drinks was his cell
And he drank even more because he could not make bail
His pain was deep
So he drank until he’d fall over
Crack his skull and eventually fall asleep
In the morning through the halls
Were the echoes of him weeping over broken picture frames
Faceless portraits
No more family
Abandoned by friends
So he stood above the sink
And began to drink
And what hurt him the most
He could never make it up to his kids
So he drank until the faceless portraits
Had no names

The way you seem to exist
Freely in my mind
Thoughts of you on display
Like art in a exhibit
Memories enclosed in glass cases
It’s hard for me not to revisit
How have they been kept in such pristine condition
Who is this person
That’s marked each piece with cursive
Below a personal description
A summary of the memory
It’s the re reading that’s stopping these feelings from fleeting
I must look away
So that with each passing day
I get further away

You fool
You idiot
You’ve fought off lust for so long
Only for it to end like this
You slipped up
Fell right into her wanting arms
In your mind
A thousand thoughts
How can I get myself out of this?
But you’ve been here before
Back for the third time
Ands she’s asking for it
You idiot no go home
But lust had you so so blind
And when y’all kissed
Even though you felt like you were kissing a dead fish
Regret
Second thought
Out of sight out of mind
Now you’re on top
She’s asking your repeatedly
Stick it in
But your hearts pumping
Trying to stay focus
But the act your partaking in
You know is one of the seven deadly sins
But the word no it’s like an oiled up pole
You can’t keep it in your grip
There’s just no way you can win
Ok ***** it
I give up
I give in
Flesh against flesh
Skin against skin
Lips against lips
Her breast in your hand
Now she’s on top
But pains she’s in
Ok let’s try this one more time
You’ve just had “***”
With one of your closest friends
No their more like “family” members
Well they’re not going to consider you family anymore
Once they found out you’ve slept with their kin
Now disappointment is a fatal scent
Lingering on your breath

A cheater is going to cheat
And a liar is going to lie
If you take them back
Don’t be surprised
When they do it for a second time

The feeling of being numb hasn’t gone away
Since you been gone
My heart is afraid to beat
And the thought of love
Is as uncomfortable as and old seat to flop in
Instead it’s been replaced
With resentment
Against the unfaithful
Hatefulness and disgust
Erupted inside of me like a busted vein
And now it course within me
Keeping the love and trust
In shackles and chains
Oppressed like the black man
Since you been gone
I often wonder was I wrong
Did letting you go for your own sake
Was that a mistake
The thought that I change you
Turned you into someone that was always angry
Was that something I could take ?
Since you been gone
The memories we made still rage on
Sometimes I wish I could just forget
I’d empty all the money In my tank
Into a wishing well
Just to wish away the spell
This undying love you cast on me that hasn’t warn off
Since you been gone
I’ve never felt more alone
Now come back

Being constantly away from you made me no longer miss this
I remember I use to dream of your lips
And wish for your kisses

It must have been the distance

All I we ever wanted
To sit in each other’s bed
Cuddle and hug

It much have been the distance

I wanted kids
And to pick the perfect place to live
Build a tree house
With a huge bridge

It must have been the distance

Visions of us strolling the beach
Hold hands
And playing in the sand

It must have been the distance

Laughed about having exotic pets
You wanted a tiger
And I was going to teach it to fetch

It must have been the distance
All the wishes we shared
Dead
All our dreams
Turned to nightmares
All hope
Gone

It’ll be all fine
Once the dusk comes
Once the morning comes
Once the arrays of color
Peaks
Sneaks
Creeps silently into the airways
The sun seems to escort the moon to sleep
Tucks it in
And kisses it on its cheek
As my lips are withdrawn from yours
I know it eats at you
That when you turn to pull me in
I’m already gone
Gone because I waited all night for you
Only for you not to show
I still dream of you graciously sliding into bed
Hoping not to wake me
But I loved when you embraced me still
Now I sleep alone
Will you ever return I wonder
Sometimes I think of you in the morning
When I’m awaken by the bright colors of a burning sun
There’s something about the mornings
Something about the oranges that tell me we aren’t completely done
Or are we

I was always so focus
With keeping other people head above the water
I never seemed to notice
I was the one that started to drown

I wish you well but I
Can no longer keep hope alive
30 total compression
2 breaths
Repeat these steps
Check for a pulse
Nothing yet
So I try again
15 chest compression to keep the blood in rotation
2 breaths to fill the lungs
A slap to the face to shock you awake
But you continue to lay un phased  
Arms burn from the failed attempts
Exhaustion starting to set in
I’m tired
Of trying
I wish you well but I’m
Done

All you wanted was my love
But I wouldn’t budge
All you wanted was for me to smile
But the pain inside
Steadily beating on my skull
Becomes louder then a whaling mom
Grasping her lifeless child
And I can’t help but scowl
All you wanted was me
But my heart was still taking a beating
From the past memories
I couldn’t feel the blanket of happiness you tried to wrap around me
I couldn’t feel joy
I didn’t want you to love me
I tried to convince you
I’m just a lifeless toy
And I guess I finally got through to you
But you didn’t know
You were getting to me
I could finally feel my heartbeat
But it’s too late
Because you’re gone now
Sorry that
I let you down

Attention to details is something I must’ve missed
Karma is a female
And her kisses are death
She told me my heart belonged to her
And she took it when she left
Batted her pretty brown eyes
And I lose my breath
Suffocated from her beauty
Who did I hurt
My Karmas gotten bad
Ten times worse
Golden hands, fresh pink painted nails
Clinched against my throat
Who did I hurt
Bad karma
Has me questioning my worth
She planted me like a seed
But forgot to water the dirt
Sprouted in harsh conditions
Has me questioning my worth

He always smiled
Laughed and cracked jokes
He walked with his shoulders squared
His head always held high
Confidence almost radiated off him
He had so much pride
So it came to everyone’s surprise
When they saw a report on the morning news
He had hung himself
Used a double knotted noose
Tied his hands behind his back
So he couldn’t get lose
And wrapped rope around his ankles
So his legs wouldn’t flail
That just goes to show you
You never really know what someone else is going through

Struck a vein in my heart like you struck a nerve
Now I’m heated
And bleeding
Didn’t know I was so human
Who knew a small *****
Could cause this much blood
Spent so much time trying to cover it up
That I missed the tears
Pouring
But men don’t cry
So I stepped out in the rain and hid it
Numb today but tomorrow I feel it

Face purple from choking
Slap away helping hands
To afraid to open
Emotions rusted
From the lack of being used
Lips once a healthy brown
Now turned blue
To late to change
Pain is like glue
Once dried and settled
It’s hard to remove
And I’m stuck
Unable to move
To think I’ll be fine one day
Hard to believe
Holding my breath for so long
I can’t breathe

I sometimes struggle to forget
And that can come with a price
Memories are like ghost
My breath fills the air like smoke
A signal of their approach
When I sleep
They climb into bed with me
Settling in comfortably
Evoking dreams that I see when I’m awake
I have a kind soul and a big heart
But Nonchalant
A trauma response
Thicken my skin not my heart
But as of late
Hate has been making its way in
A result
Of feeling love sweet as honey
Neglect bitter as lemons
The two I mixed, made into a drink
One sip
And my old self ceased to exist
I just wished I was warned it would be like this