Deshawn L Downs: Favorites

Sep 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Francie Lynch

I would've given birth
To you,
Endured whatever
Mothers do.
Instead, I did
What Dads do.

I rocked you
Til my future shook;
Watched you til
I couldn't look.
As you changed,
I changed too,
To do the things
That Dads do.

You were bathed,
Dressed and fed;
I loved you so much
I was saved.

If there's credit,
Well, I get it,
For teaching you to read.
I took the blame
When you got bored
With school's ABC's.

I followed you
In all your roles,
Your teams,
Your solos,
Your trips,
Your shows.
First to clap,
Last to sit;
I taped it all,
From start -
To finish.

I taught you
How to tie a lace,
Ride a bike,
Golf and skate.
When time arrived
For you to drive,
You learned
On standard,
Never stranded,
You came home alive.

Your highs
I took in stride,
By example taught
Humility's pride.
Your lows,
I couldn't internalize,
I dropped my guard
With my eyes.

When Dad's do well
It's a double edge,
The future wedge.
The world
Revealed
Desired you too.
I don't dismiss
What mothers do,
But when Dads do well,
Both lose you.

#daughters #dads #fathers

Sep 2014 Deshawn L Downs

1:18 a.m

Sep 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

1:18 a.m

I'm lost in the land of whiskey and lies
trying to refamiliarize my hands with your skin
its been months
maybe years
since we've touched
each shot makes it that much harder
to remember
the freckle on your wrist
the creases in your palms
I can't seem to recall
and I was never a fan of alcohol
but forgetting for a night was never as bad
as remembering the next morning
waking to an empty bed and aching heart
breaking bones and throwing stones
didn't even come close
to the relentless pain
washing me away
with the january rain
that made a home inside your veins
and in a way
this makes me miss you more

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

you were never worth a title

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

you were never worth a title

I hope that when you think of me
the teeth of my memory
sink into your skin
stretched tight like snare drums
around your ribs and across your hips
and no matter how many times I heard
my name drip between your lips
it will never feel real
because now my lungs have turned to steel and my heart still beats but hasn't healed
I hope your flesh turns to fire
at the remembrance of my touch
I hope your blood boils in your veins and your brain decides it's too much
I hope that when you think of me
you're six feet below where I plan to be
I hope it burns
I hope your stomach turns and
I hope it kills you to see me
smiling
I hope I cross your mind as many times that exist between never and forever
every second of the day spent wondering and regretting and remembering to forget me
and I'm somewhere between
*******
and thank you
for forgetting me
for destroying me at fourteen
thank you
for the metaphorical skinned knees
and excuses that resembled
it was never meant to be
the holes in my walls say with sincerity
thank you
because they wouldn't be here
had it not been for you
when I was fourteen
I thought that was the right thing to do
when I was fourteen
I didn't know how to think
the pills I never took
the alcohol I didn't drink
the tears I didn't cry
the night I didn't die
the night I realized
I never needed you
because the sun would still rise
and the sky was still blue
the earth would still turn
and I didn't need you

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

your side of the bed

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

your side of the bed

it's almost 3 a.m
and my eyes are begging for sleep
but my fingers are dreaming of your skin
and longing for your touch
and I miss you so much that
I started sleeping on your side of the bed
and I swear I can still feel your lips on my forehead
or the warmth of your voice in my ear whispering goodnight
I love you
you said
it's almost 3 a.m
and one side of the bed
will always be empty
it doesn't matter where I lay
because I swear I feel you everywhere
your name in my throat
and your fingers in my hair
but that doesn't even begin to compare
to the fact that when they asked me for my blood type
I almost choked on your smile
ten thousand miles between our veins and
you still manage to take my breath away
it's almost 3 a.m
and even when my blood turns to whiskey
my mind wanders back to you
in this drunken state of black and blue
I love you
you said
it's 3 a.m
goodnight from your side
of the bed

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Untitled

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

AavelinaJaden

Untitled

LIFE IS NOT JUST A MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB NOR IS IT SOMETHING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF BUT BABY I'D DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR HAND IN MINE, SIDE BY SIDE AS WE TACKLE THIS WORLD TOGETHER.

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

the girl with solar system skin

Jul 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

the girl with solar system skin

I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I can't manage to fall asleep without seeing your face laced across the inside of my eyelids. its a dark kind of beautiful. I haven't quite yet decided if that's a good or a bad thing. and I havent yet decided why I keep drawing solar systems on my skin with ink almost as blue as your blood before it kissed the very air we find ourselves effortlessly inhaling and exhaling second after second without giving a second thought as to why or how our lungs are always working even when we wish they would stop. sometimes I have this dream where I'm drowning in an ocean that's named after you and the way your lips smiled between midnight kisses and just as I'm about to inhale every ounce of you and allow death to do your ***** work I wake up in a sea of black bed sheets that have been empty for weeks and I'm looking down at my solar system covered skin wondering where you might be in this world, wondering who's neck you're kissing at day break and why you still make me feel so small. I have the entire universe imprinted on my skin, but it doesn't mean anything at all. tonight I'm breathing out every ocean of madness you've ever put me in, washing away the world you drew on my skin. this isn't where it ends, I'll say. this is where it begins.

Jun 2014 Deshawn L Downs

thunderstorms only bring beautiful things

Jun 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

thunderstorms only bring beautiful things

your skin was a manifesto of its own
your heart beat; somehow always
sounded like a busy tone
because I'm tired of using your veins
like a telephone
waiting for you to just pick up already
and say hello
with a certain sense of peacefulness threaded throughout your voice
like an air of perfection that would always be
a little too far out of reach

and I wonder if you know that each
and every morning I make one too many cups of coffee
one for me
and one for a chair that's been empty
for weeks

I wonder if she watches you play
chess as if you're opening a safe
and I bet she has no ******* idea that
your hands can create
catastrophies
and laughter can turn into
screams
in seconds

I want to tell her that legends know nothing of love or investment in one another and as hard as he's trying
if he tells you he never loved me
he's lying
because there's no denying
that at two in the morning
when you're cold and lonely
and the only thing you want is to be touched by something other than
your own boney knees
that a certain sense of nostalgia is laced within the air of your bedroom

I'm not sure what I'll do when the flowers on the front porch start to bloom

we planted them together in the spring

I'm still holding you true to your word
that thunderstorms only bring
beautiful things
dandelions and daisies and maybe

eventually

a chair that's not empty
holding hands,
and kisses
between coffee

May 2014 Deshawn L Downs

your hands owe me an apology

May 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

your hands owe me an apology

growing up my mother always said
that ***** hands and scraped knees
were good for me
my father taught me
how to ride a bike
and drive a car
but you taught me that life was only
worth living if you lived it with
someone you loved

I guess my father loved cigarettes
more than he loved kissing my mother
and I suppose I loved your hands
much more than any other
set of bones on your body because
it was much harder to recover
from nights of an empty bed and
lonely legs than it was for you to say

goodbye
or
why

my mother failed to mention that
broken hearts and open arms spent waiting
in half made beds behind unlocked doors know much more of pain than ****** elbows and yellowed bruises

my hips had hoped to make your hands
their final resting place
and my lips knew no greater taste
than the toxcity of your kisses
and I wonder
if this is
good
for
me

May 2014 Deshawn L Downs

dog houses and swing sets and white picket fences

May 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

dog houses and swing sets and white picket fences

I guess
all I ever really wanted
was to be symbolic of something
equal parts happiness and freedom
like the way your flesh lept as your heartbeat slowed inside your chest
as you held her hand
and how my blood turned thick
and cold at the sight of her lips
on your cheek and her smile at
your laughter

I want to tell her that
on the second of September
I kissed you so hard I swore
my lips would have fallen off
had it not been for the way
your voice seemed
to stitch up all the breaking
parts of me

and I wonder if shes seen
the inside of your bedroom yet
where the walls watched us talk and
the windows saw us whisper
midnight secrets

I bet she doesn't even write poetry
about the way you blink when you think
of something good to say or how your shirt wrinkles as you breathe and if she doesn't count your heartbeats before you fall asleep I don't know how I'll live with myself knowing that I lost you to someone who symbolizes happiness with inanimate objects like dog houses and swing sets or white picket fences and NOT THE WAY YOUR LIPS MOVE WHEN YOU SAY I LOVE YOU OR HOW YOUR VOICE CRACKS AS YOU APOLOGIZE

I don't know how to end this without crying and trying to tell myself that happiness does not only exist
in your kisses
and this is
the closest I'll ever come
to saying I love you
again

May 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Untitled

May 2014 Deshawn L Downs

Syd

Untitled

maybe
eventually
I'll be
able to
look at
a razor
and not
even
think
about
picking
it up