Nevermind: Poems

252 · Nov 2015

Broken Record

Nevermind Nov 2015

Broken Record

I'm a broken record dying to be played
Stranded up on a shelf
Lonely and afraid

251 · Jun 2015

Ache

Nevermind Jun 2015

Ache

For what it's worth
I miss you so bad
It physically hurts
Seeing you and her
Made it about
A thousand times worse

251 · Jun 2015

Labyrinth

Nevermind Jun 2015

Labyrinth

Who knows what'll happen
Between then and now
I'd rather just let it happen
Instead of trying figure it out
'Cause if we really knew
What the future held
There'd be no reason to keep going
Our interest would be quelled
So let's chase after the mystery
You and I
It's not about getting there
It's about the ride

250 · Aug 2015

Lowest

Nevermind Aug 2015

Lowest

Who gives a ****
If it makes her sad
You'll come back around
And she'll be glad

250 · Jun 2015

Divulge

Nevermind Jun 2015

Divulge

Come as you are
Who am I to judge?
Show me
What you thought
You wouldn't show
To anyone
Reveal dark secrets
Stained with blood
Maybe it could even
Be the slightest bit fun
Open up the vaults
Hidden back in your mind
Dust off the webs
Woven tightly by time
Unleash emotion
Raw and grotesque
I'll love every bit of you
'Till the very end

249 · Oct 2018

The Underachiever

Nevermind Oct 2018

The Underachiever

I remember how it used to be
When it felt like it was just you and me
As time went on our world would expand
You were so far, I couldn’t reach your hand
That’s okay I’ll be fine on my own
Life's everything it should be, but still it’s so cold
The biggest part of me has nowhere to go
It’s hard to sleep
I thought I didn’t want you to know
Now these things eat me alive
The things I held in all the while
There should be a date when thoughts expire
When people just move on
And get over desires
I just love to feel good in the moment
So I don’t think about it over and over
I like to feel good every second of each day
Just to keep the darkness away
Just to keep a smile on my face
Everything else settles beneath
My skin riddled with scars and ink
You were everything to me
Now I’m running from memories
I never want to be close to you again
You don’t know who I am

249 · Apr 2016

Itch

Nevermind Apr 2016

Itch

It won't always be like this
These are the days I swear I'll miss

249 · Nov 2016

After The Rain

Nevermind Nov 2016

After The Rain

Cuts on knees
Mistakes, misbeliefs
Bite my tongue
Till it swells and bleeds
Hiding words
Dancing dreams
I'd love you some day
You and me
Scars on legs
Dreams are dead
Dizzy wishes
In my head
Bleeding love
Silent tears shed
Sleepless nights
Empty beds
I love you today
I loved you last week
Your feelings were fake
Thought we'd always be
Running away
Future seems bleak
Into the shade
Rest for the weak
Closing my eyes
Inhaling the smoke
Exhaling consciousness
Up and out my throat
We'll never have white teeth
Like the papers we wrote
Stained in black ink
Spilling down the roads

248 · Jun 2015

Karma

Nevermind Jun 2015

Karma

Rabbits jumping
From line to line
Infinitely looping
As if in time
To the steady heartbeat
To which the world exists
Everything
Comes back to this

247 · Apr 2015

Lost

Nevermind Apr 2015

Lost

I know I sound
Like a broken record
That's stuck on
You
You
You
But honestly
Seeing you with her
Broke my heart
In two
Or three
Or four
Or five
I'm bleeding all over
And don't wanna be revived
I can barely feel anymore
I can't even cry
I'm not even real
Who the hell am I?
You willed me into existence
And now I'm lost
A failed experiment
Without any cause
Bolts in my neck
Stitches in my face
I truly am
A walking disgrace

247 · Aug 2015

Bonnie

Nevermind Aug 2015

Bonnie

You want me for one reason
I want you for a few
I make you feel alive
You give me something to do

247 · Mar 2017

Dead Flowers

Nevermind Mar 2017

Dead Flowers

I hold my head underwater
And take a deep breath
Waiting longer and longer
Inviting sweet death
I close my eyes and feel the pain
Of a million things I'll never say
The anxious thoughts they start to fade
As my mind starts to stray
I'll never live to see the day
That's free of anguish and endless pain
There's nothing left to loose or gain
There's no reason left to stay
There's nothing left to say
What's said is said, never goes away

246 · Sep 2015

Barren

Nevermind Sep 2015

Barren

After all the love I had to give
I would have never thought it'd end like this

246 · Sep 2016

Humans

Nevermind Sep 2016

Humans

Knew there was nothing
Just wanted to believe
Wanted to hang on
It all felt so sweet
I'm sick to my stomach
Down on my knees
I knew there was nothing
I Just wanted to believe
All the things you said
So sweetly to me
I held them to no value
But still I see
The truth in the end
Is still what it seemed
I knew there was nothing
Just wanted to believe

246 · Apr 2015

Evermore

Nevermind Apr 2015

Evermore

I missed you yesterday
I missed you today
And tomorrow's gonna be the same old way

246 · Jun 2015

A.M.

Nevermind Jun 2015

A.M.

Sleepless nights
Turn into
Sleepy days
Everything starts to
Look the same

246 · Jan 2017

Binge

Nevermind Jan 2017

Binge

Geometric shapes on the floor
***** sneakers, scuffs galore
Hunched over hiding from the light
Mocking from above, loud and bright
One dead flower in the bunch
It's subtle colors weren't enough
Only enough water in the vase
For those that grow steadily, a silent race
Fear lingering underneath fingernails
Ignoring grafitti and worthless details
Word's scratched into rusty stalls
Petals withering like leaves in the fall
Losing grips on whatever's real
Cut up fingers clutching the wheel
Guiding headlights through the night
Planning for later, hoping to die
Irritation stinging inside veins
Every voice seems to sound the same
Holding onto all this pain
Just to stay a little insane

I wrote this in the hospital

245 · Nov 2015

Almost

Nevermind Nov 2015

Almost

I've lost the feeling of myself
Slowly decaying in a brittle shell
I'm so far from what was close to home
I lost the trail I made of stones
Dropping each carefully one by one
Along a desert baked by the sun
Now it's fall and I still can't breath
Am I even capable of being happy?

244 · Feb 2016

Old Money

Nevermind Feb 2016

Old Money

Keeping food on the table
Is what he does
He pays the bills
He's way above
Petty arguments
And silly games
About small things
That stay the same
I'll never forget
The sting of his hand
He reminds me everyday
I literally can't
Not that I want to
I want it to stay
He pays the bills
I know my place

244 · Apr 2015

The Silent Song

Nevermind Apr 2015

The Silent Song

Tonight let's not talk about me
Tonight let's not talk about you
Tonight let's not talk about all the things
That we've put each other through

I'm weary of hearing my own voice
Though I'll never be weary of yours
But tonight let's talk in a different way
Let's talk without using words

Write a song along my skin
In fluttering fingertips its written in
To be with you once again
Is to drown in a sea of sin

Tonight let's not talk
I have nothing else to say
But please just be silent with me
Please just stay

244 · Nov 2015

Rubbing Off On You

Nevermind Nov 2015

Rubbing Off On You

If there's a thousand places
That you'd rather be
Then don't waste your youth
Wasting away with me
If your mind is wandering
From the words on my lips
Then go and run off
With the other kids
The last thing I want
Is for you to feel like I do
And I feel like I trap you
Every time we hang
So please don't drag this out
I won't beg you to stay
Just please save yourself
I'm wasting away

244 · Nov 2015

Thief

Nevermind Nov 2015

Thief

Your eyes roll around
In their tiny hiding slits
Lazily taking me in
Enjoying all of this
Stray strands of hair
Black as the darkest night
Hang over your forehead
Like a drape hiding the light
Your fingers search for something
Like a vulture soaring high
Swooping down to steal me
Creeping up and down my spine
Your skin is pale as ever
You're thin as a corpse
But underneath the clothes you wear
There's hidden strength of course
I know it well and I dare not defy
There's a spark of something in your eye
When your face lowers
Closer and closer to mine
Your smell intoxicates
My dizzy dreaming mind
I can't tell if you're my dissociation
Or if my dissociation is you
So I'll hold onto spinning illusions
And tiny peeking clues
I'll cling to the warmth of a body
Breathing slowly beside mine
I'll wish upon the silent words
Exchanged through lost time

243 · Jul 2015

Answers

Nevermind Jul 2015

Answers

If you're not cheating
You're not trying
What's the difference?
We're all dead or dying
There's no way out
So hold your breath
And wait for the sweet
Kiss of death
No one cares
About character or depth
Their gazes scratch the surface
They couldn't care less
In a world where everything
Means nothing at all
It's hard to know exactly
Just where you fall

243 · Jul 2019

Admission

Nevermind Jul 2019

Admission

I can see why you'd be mad
I can see the times we had
A movie when I close my eyes
Happy days and better times
When I try to get out now
It's wrong, I really don't know how
When you asked what keeps me sane
I should've said what I wanted to say
I can see why you'd be mad
You're all I've really ever had
I close my eyes and run so fast
Stumbling along this rocky path
I should've called when I had the chance
I threw away the trust we had

242 · Aug 2018

Respect

Nevermind Aug 2018

Respect

If you can’t recall the past
You’re bound to repeat
If you don’t pick up the glass
You’ll cut your feet
Everyday questions
Aren’t too much to ask
Life’s many lessons
I keep coming back
I love to forget
And wander instead
I’ll wander into something
So much better one day
Please keep looking out for me
I promise in my heart I’ll always believe
These lessons they’re mine alone to keep
I can only hold onto positivity

242 · Jul 2015

2:54am Thoughts

Nevermind Jul 2015

2:54am Thoughts

Ever since that last "date"
I can't seem to think straight

241 · May 2016

Organ Donor

Nevermind May 2016

***** Donor

Take my liver
My kidneys too
Give them to a child
That will grow up to
Be something great
Save the human race
Or even have the strength
To keep themselves awake
And suffer another day
And take another breath
Give them to someone
Who will try their best
Toss away my brain
It's got no use anyway
Take my heart
It's yours to take
Cut me open
Take me out
Make me useful
Without a doubt

240 · Jul 2015

Withdrawal

Nevermind Jul 2015

Withdrawal

Got so sick
I could hardly move
Lying on the floor paralyzed
Thinking of you

239 · Jan 2017

Blame Game

Nevermind Jan 2017

Blame Game

You say you don’t know me anymore

Truth be told I’m the same old girl

My hearts been hardened by this world

I’ve been on my own, I’ve been hurt

Lots of stuff happened beneath the silence

My teeth have grown in, I’m no longer smiling

The holes in my mouth sank into my soul

I’m just so tired of being alone

I’m just so tired of waiting for you to come home

Young love is dead, hearts already broke

Broken confidence walking on broken bones

I don’t know me, no one knows

There are no “friends” in this life of hell

I’m hollow just like an empty shell

I don’t know what I want, I can never tell

Can’t remember where I fell

I’m pretty sure I died long ago

My body’s succumbed to some troubled soul

Looking in the mirror, I try to reinvent myself

Lost in the silence, with no one to help

239 · Aug 2018

CrossWalker

Nevermind Aug 2018

CrossWalker

Sometimes I dream of a place in my mind
It doesn’t quite go with the pace of life’s time
What would I find if it took me away?
I’d find myself ending an unproductive day
Nothing means anything if it’s in your head
So just let it go and put things to rest
Think of the good things in life instead
Life’s never difficult till you’re nearly dead
I don’t want anyone to know how I feel
My feelings make sense only to strangers, who listen at will
Strangers who don’t know who I am
Strangers who come and go as they can
I never want to rely on someone
I want to throw off my shoes and run
I want the ground to harden my feet
One day no one will say I am weak

239 · Jun 2015

Road Trip

Nevermind Jun 2015

Road Trip

Going fast
Endless laughs
We don't care
If we crash
Life's so short
Yet so long
So who cares
If it's wrong
Let's just live
In the now
Wrapped in the blur
Of sights and sounds

238 · Nov 2015

Aching

Nevermind Nov 2015

Aching

I hang on too long
Arms go the wrong way
I guess I just want
The moment to stay
I hold on too tight
Fingertips pressed into skin
Clinging onto time
When will I see you again?

238 · Dec 2015

No Mind Left To Loose

Nevermind Dec 2015

No Mind Left To Loose

I wish I could stop moving
And never move again
All these worthless, empty words
They'll never understand
All these sessions I can't remember
Every ticking office clock
All these things I wouldn't ever
Think of now refuse to stop
Chanting over and over
In my overwhelmed head
I want to rip out my hair and scream
I wanna tell everyone I wish I was dead
I want to go to the busiest place
In this wretched town
And finally loose control
Throwing myself on the ground
I want the police to come and restrain me
To put cuffs on my wrists
I want them to lock me away where I belong
And allow me to be consumed by the things in my head

237 · Feb 2016

Half Empty

Nevermind Feb 2016

Half Empty

Who broke your happiness?
And chased your smile away?
Who stole you from me?
You look so sad these days
I'll listen to every single word
You'll ever have to say
To see that same smile once again
Glowing on your face

237 · May 2015

The Other Side

Nevermind May 2015

The Other Side

I'm a mess
And you're okay
Maybe I'll forget
About all this someday

236 · Dec 2015

Venture

Nevermind Dec 2015

Venture

It'll start out
With some girl you met
That made you laugh
That sat by your desk
It'll be the beginning
Of the same old pain
That I felt the last time
Someone went away
I can feel it now
Though comfortably numb
It'll hit me soon
In the same cold rush
As opening the door
On a cold winter's night
How many more days
'Till I lose your smile?

235 · Jul 2016

Worthless

Nevermind Jul 2016

Worthless

I wanna make you happy
I wanna make you smile
I wanna be the reason why
Your struggles are worth while

234 · Apr 2019

Things I Probably Wouldn’t Say To My Dad

Nevermind Apr 2019

Things I Probably Wouldn’t Say To My Dad

I think of you when I see the sun
Shining so kindly upon everyone
Slowly dying, radiating love
You always keep trying
You never give up
All I want is to be like you
I still find beauty watching the moon
The sun that warms us is also a star
There are so many, so far apart
But you are the greatest
I need you the most
Stars are pretty ‘till they blow up in smoke
And then they’re gone but you remain
The greatest gift, you never change

234 · Nov 2015

Little Things

Nevermind Nov 2015

Little Things

I'm sorry I don't remember
All the things you do
Dates and numbers
Waning crescents and full moons
I don't remember when you get off work
I forget to text you back
I leave makeup brushes and shirts
But I know for a fact
That I love you
So, so much
It might not seem like it
But I can't get enough
I remember
What the words on your chest mean
I actually remember lots of things
I remember how you write your name
I know how you like your tea
A tad of honey
Never over steeped
I know how you breathe
Just before you sleep
Quiet jokes and odd dreams
You show up with flowers and cards
And I show up in ripped jeans
But I swear I remember
At least the little things

234 · Jun 2015

Seeing You Again

Nevermind Jun 2015

Seeing You Again

I saw you last night
For the first time in a while
It was the breaking point
I couldn't fake a smile
Blinded by tears
I ran down the hall
I burst into the bathroom
And locked myself in a stall
I couldn't even
Manage to cry
All I could do
Was ask myself "why?"
Why here ?
Why now ?
This experience was something
I could have lived without
Finally the panic
Lead into tears
Slowly falling
Held back for years
I closed my eyes
But still saw you
So I opened them wide
What else could I do ?
It took a while
To finally leave
I called a friend
And sank into the backseat
I saw the world
Through different eyes
Tears making a blur
Of buildings and lights
I wish I hadn't
Noticed you there
But I did
And you didn't care

Needed to vent.

234 · Apr 2015

You

Nevermind Apr 2015

You

Every time you held my hand
The skeletons in our closets would dance
Round and round and round they'd go
It was the only thing that let me know

I was real

Where are you now that I need you the most?
I miss the days when we were so close
There isn't a moment that you're not on my mind
I think about you endlessly
Day and night

I know it's selfish of me
You're probably happy now
But the noise in my head is just so loud
It's screaming at me incessantly
And the humming static won't let me be
But when you were here with me
My demons lurked silently

Now you're gone and everything's wrong
I barely have the strength to keep holding on
I'd do anything to have one more day
And I'm so sorry for whatever I did to make you go away

233 · Mar 2017

Escape Artists

Nevermind Mar 2017

Escape Artists

When I cry myself to sleep
I think of you, beneath white sheets
Sleeping soundly, completely at peace
My heart is pounding whilst adrift on a dream
I lie here dying it's so hard to breath
There's so many things you wouldn't believe
The summer flowers are soaked in rain
You've found cover while I'm drenched in pain
The whitish scars they spell your name
Killing time and hopping trains
I remember the land that used to roll
And all the fields we used to roam
The watercolor bruises, running from home
Fleeing from the hurt with no where to go

233 · May 2015

Misery

Nevermind May 2015

Misery

Loud thoughts
Silent cries
Long sleeves
Petty lies
Bottled emotions
On the rise
Laying in bed
Wide eyed

232 · Aug 2015

Gooodbye Summer

Nevermind Aug 2015

Gooodbye Summer

The season's change
Has crept up on me
Far more quickly
Than I'd like to believe
Already brittle
And not as green
Waving goodbye
In fallen leaves
Soon it'll be fall
Then a blanket of snow
And finally summer again
Before we know

232 · Sep 2015

Perennial

Nevermind Sep 2015

Perennial

I'm not okay
It won't be alright
But for your sake
I'll say I'm fine

231 · Nov 2015

Too Many Thoughts

Nevermind Nov 2015

Too Many Thoughts

Anxious words slip off the pen
How fast can I jot them down
Before they escape their den
The den of my mind
That's racing all the time
That can't contain all these ideas
For worthless riddles and rhymes
Sometimes I simply have to take a breath
And exhale these thoughts away
A predator does not catch
Every prospective prey

230 · Jan 2017

Myself and I

Nevermind Jan 2017

Myself and I

French flowers
In the sun
Gentle showers
On the run
Hurrying, smiling
Beneath the rain
Speaking kindly
Words in vain
Seasons changed
We were still the same
Cupping snow
Like whitish paint
Spread upon a lonely gray
Cloudy skies
Above hideaways
Thunder booming
Crashing waves
Cool, calm safety
At the bay
You filled nature with something new
But I'll still adore it, even without you

230 · Mar 2016

Vodka Doll

Nevermind Mar 2016

***** Doll

Summertime sadness
Black and white spring
Budding flower's madness
Into oddly shapen things
Freezing suddenly into depression
Death in fallen leaves
Everything is backwards
When you're away from me
Dabbling in strange evils
Disregarding the cost
Without you in my ear
Darling I'm just so lost
Rotten flesh tied with ribbons black as coal
The thoughts in silent heads are something no one dares to know
Crooked fingers **** my limbs
Now I'm in trouble
I can't win
I was born without innocence
Stained glass eyes
Rose tinted sin
Swaying diamonds before my eyes
Crumble pathetically into lies
Everything I've ever known
The silent walls that watch this home
Everything that's ever been
It always leads to something like this

229 · Apr 2015

Falling

Nevermind Apr 2015

Falling

I held on so tight
How did I loose it all?

I never knew life could have felt that good
You were the only one who understood

Turns out you didn't understand me at all
You let go and watched me fall
I haven’t reached the ground quite yet
But when I do I hope I’ll be dead
I hope the impact is enough to turn me to dirt
I hope it’ll put an end to all this hurt

I’m so alone yet loneliness is my friend
It’s the only thing that’ll be here till the very end
‘Cause even if I meet someone new
We’ll be apart when death is due

Loneliness always accompanies me
By my side it’ll always be
Even though it hurts so bad when it’s around
Is there ever a time when I’m not feeling down?

It seems as if every day is the same
It feels as if I’ve had my last happy day
But the thing that gets to me the most
Isn't the loneliness that follows me like a ghost
It’s the fact that this is all in my head
It’s a feeling that no one else could "get”

Interacting with others is like ripping flesh from bone
Within myself I've made my own home
I close my eyes and escape to places far away
To a place where my beloved loneliness wont hurt me
To a better day

229 · Jun 2016

Life Line

Nevermind Jun 2016

Life Line

Please be okay
I hope you’re alright
I can’t handle anything else
I can’t spend another night
Drowning myself in tears
Passing the day in sighs
Please just take care
Please oh please don’t die