This life’s so long
I just wish it would end
Before you move on
Cause you’ve seen who I am

Will you still love me
When my beauty fades
Cause I’m good for nothing
I’m weak, I’m insane

Do you still love me
I’m more than afraid
I can’t eat
I can’t sleep
I need you to stay

I try so hard
To be strong in my mind
I build myself up
Then fail every time

I keep having this dream
And I’m watching myself
Lying down in a casket
So peaceful and still

So far away from the things that I’ve done
Can’t be touched by anyone
Can’t be told I’m not good enough
Cause I’m finally dead and I’m finally gone

And all the ones that called me weak
That cut me down to meet their needs
Needed me to scoff and say
“At least I’m not living that way”

They flock to see my lifeless corpse
And poke fun one last time of course
Cause she was the worst of us all
The lowest, how dare she struggle and fall

And that confirms it, you’ve seen it first here
Watching I shudder, my very worst fear
She’s everything we said she was
A terrible daughter, always worrying us
She does it for attention
“Wait that’s not what we meant”
Your opinions don’t matter cause I’m already dead

Small between my fingers
Like dainty colored lights
Red and green like winter
Yet we’ve only touched July
I love it when we walk this way
My soul is pure
My thoughts don’t stray

We don’t have to speak to love
To be alive feels good enough
Please let’s walk just one more time
I killed the girl that crept inside
She was ugly, stupid, all she did was complain
I can’t escape the mirrors
She’s right in my face

Brandishing puppets of people I’ve known
I only see you but my fingers are cold
The game is endless yet I can’t resist
I hate when she laughs but I knew she’d win

I’ll keep on running towards the warmth of July
You’ll never see how that girl has died

Being nice in this world
It doesn’t get you so far
It’s okay to be cold
Let the stickers on your heart
Encapsulate your muscles
Constrict your veins
If you never let it out
It’s only yours to contain
The agony inside
Crying out to feel
The laughter that hides
Saying it all isn’t real
I take black stickers
I cover myself
It’s easy to be bitter
There’s no one to tell

I hate any man
That looks me in the eye
In the lobby as we stand
In darkness as we lie
I despise any man
That pinches my hip
A wretched hand groping past raw, silent lips
I hate the man who thinks he must be the one
Upon my thoughts non stop when it’s all said and done
Darling don’t you know you aren’t in control of me?
Darling don’t you know I’m darker than your darkest deed?
Darling don’t you know your ******* just won’t last?
Once I’ve gotten what I need another fool has passed
Darling don’t you know those nasty hands around my throat?
They’ll beg and plead and pinch my hips
Baby please don’t go

I had a dream about us
Before I said the things I did
I felt the warmth of your love
Like the sun's gentle kiss
We'd run around in the backyard
Pretending we were fish and sharks
Grandma said don't open your eyes
Rainbows dancing 'round the lights
The chlorine burned but it's fun to see
Changing shapes and warped little feet
I carried you, you carried me
Now it's all too heavy for me
Even just to drag myself
I'm always looking for someone's help
I'll never admit when I'm in need
I just get mad when no one sees
My mind is no else's to read
I should really be able to do these things
I had a dream...
Before I said...
Sunburned shoulders...
Chafed and red...
Don't open your eyes...
Be home on time...
No one else can read my mind

Nothing I do ever seems to make sense
I'm just a fool with selfish intent
The things I like do nothing for me
Except get me so high I forget what it means
To keep someone's promise or show up on time
It's all I can think of, only thing on my mind
You'd think I'm a fiend when I'm all out of tree
Suddenly everything makes sense to me
The concept of family, having goals in life
They say it's what happens
Your motivation dies
It's inevitable, what your brain does
When instead of reading books you grow up doing drugs
"Your mom's a teacher you can't be that way"
"If you only knew" I just want to say
"Your dad's been there, can't you talk to him?"
It's hard to be an advocate
For someone who doesn't want to help themselves
Someone you thought you knew so well
Someone who was funny, and brave, and smart
From the rest they seemed so far apart
I've become the person I thought I'd never be
Nothing I do makes sense to me

I can see why you'd be mad
I can see the times we had
A movie when I close my eyes
Happy days and better times
When I try to get out now
It's wrong, I really don't know how
When you asked what keeps me sane
I should've said what I wanted to say
I can see why you'd be mad
You're all I've really ever had
I close my eyes and run so fast
Stumbling along this rocky path
I should've called when I had the chance
I threw away the trust we had

This is the worst it's ever been
It's raining outside
Can't get back in
My keys are buried in the ground
Guess I was hoping they wouldn't be found
Now they're just impossibly deep
Too far for you, way beyond me
I can see them in my mind
Taunting me behind my eyes
I shouldn't have left but I did
Singing birds and screaming kids
Empty hands - lost fingertips
This is the worst it's ever been

I thought of this off the top of my head
The wind really ***** when the light's almost dead
I turn my back or try cupping my hand
If that doesn't work, find a new place to stand
Sometimes the trees start to freak me out
Looking so alive like they'd scream and shout
If they had a voice I wonder what they'd say
"My arms are asleep and the suns in my face" ?
They must see a lot being stuck in one place
Giving us life as we take it away
I'm so greedy but it's not the same
I often see things I'd like to take
Before I reach out I feel so ashamed
There isn't much value attached to my name
I'd rather wait, there's less risk involved
Every time I take a chance I end up losing it all

I want everything back
But would I really trade it all?
The times we had, good and bad
I just wish I could call
You're right here but I've pushed you away
I guess there isn't much I'd change
I know I'm so impossible to love
Afraid you'll get tired
Knowing you'll give up
So I let go before you can
There's not as much pain when the blade's in my hand

Watching the orange sun as I drive
When we were young and unafraid to die
We didn’t want to figure out why
Just having fun and passing the time
Everyone asks us where it all went
Children are pure yet still long to repent
We hadn’t even done anything yet
Finding our voices and making friends
What’s too much and what’s enough?
If all we really need is love
Why do I keep searching for what isn’t there
It’s such a weak emotion, feeling scared

I think of you when I see the sun
Shining so kindly upon everyone
Slowly dying, radiating love
You always keep trying
You never give up
All I want is to be like you
I still find beauty watching the moon
The sun that warms us is also a star
There are so many, so far apart
But you are the greatest
I need you the most
Stars are pretty ‘till they blow up in smoke
And then they’re gone but you remain
The greatest gift, you never change

Sometimes I wonder just why I forget
My thoughts hold me under I can’t catch my breath
The memories that fill up my mind instead
I’m trying my best to just replace them
I want to focus on something brand new
In this boundless world of things to do
The last thing I want is to think of you
I want to forget what we’ve been through
Maybe then it’ll be easier to float
I’ll swim away from the things I wrote
I’ll break away from the things I said
I see the surface, it hasn’t found me yet

I don’t really know
What keeps me from them
From all the bad decisions
And broken promises
I keep on running
Too scared to look back
Afraid that there’s something
When it’s nothing in fact
I look ahead
And run from the fear
I can’t see anything now
But something may be near

I’m so happy
Not worried at all
Grateful for things
Ignoring calls
I don’t like to leave the house
Unless my stuff is getting thrown out
I’m so happy
Nothings happening
I hear laughter
Talk is sappy
Nothing hurts if I don’t feel
Next time I’ll just leave at will

I don’t think I’m a bad person
I just let it get to the point
Where I’m only really hurting,
Feeling so frustrated and annoyed
Because I think and think
About what I am and what I do
Sometimes I think I’m at the brink
Of crazy not confused
I must somehow escape my mind
And run as fast as I can
I wish I’d just go blind
So I won’t fear the things at hand
I don’t think I’m bad at all
I just get hung up on my thoughts
I need to get outside my head
And be grateful for what I’ve got

I love the way, even on your busiest days
You still find the words, at least something to say
You always swoop in when I’m at my worst
Like everything I’ve ever been searching for
When I’m with you it doesn’t feel bad to cry
And even still the tears won’t leave my eyes
I just get so hung up on your thoughts
Secretly wishing to know them all
The mystery will always draw me in
Old to you, new to me, it’s always been

I don’t want to be admitted again
I think I’ve just been missing my old best friend
It feels so free to be by myself
When no one can tell me I’m crazy and need help
I just tell them I’m working on things
Even if I don’t really know what that means
I’m so happy when I’m alone
When others are around it never shows
I can’t let others influence my mood
When everyone says you’re sick, what else can you do?
When everyone points the finger at you
When it’s wrong to even speak or move
Some days I just block it all out
It’s always disrespectful
Whether I’m quiet, or running my mouth

I want to take this world
And grab it by the hair
Beat it up like that girl
That got me expelled last year
I’ll pull out it’s tracks
Leave them in the street
It’s fun to be a badass
Fists clenched, bare feet
It’s probably not good
To let myself get this mad
If I was smarter I would
Find an outlet that
Won’t get me arrested
And read my rights
I’m tired of domestics
And red and blue lights

I want to be strong
In all the wrong ways
You can’t please them all
But watch what you say
I don’t want to fall
Forget yesterday
I can’t worry about
The things that won’t change
If I’m scared to run
Then I’ll never fly
I’ll follow the sun
If only with my eyes
I’m not the one
Who’s obsessed with the night
Done hiding in darkness
I’ll seek out the light
Happiness is something
You must get up and find
I don’t want to lay down
I just want to fight

Call me Betsy
See if I give a ****
Haha let’s see
Where you’ll end up
If I outlast you
It’ll be quite fun
It probably won’t happen
So you’re in luck
You better pray
The decisions not mine
I’ll choose the ******* place I can find

If you want me to leave
Then why would you tell me to stay
Don’t try and confuse me
You know that’s that **** I hate
I can’t wait till summer
When I can sleep outside
The sound of crickets chirping
A switchblade between my thighs
You know if I left
It would be the last time
So just let me go
If all I’m good for is lies

I’m not uptight
Just afraid to be a human
What wrong what’s right
What should I be doing
What is natural
And what’s deemed odd
I follow the patterns though
I’m still not as strong
As people who are confident
And know what to say
People who have lots of friends
And don’t stare at the wall all day
I know I can break out of this
I just get so afraid
It’s easier to stay within
So the feelings won’t escape

I wish I was dead
I don’t want to breath
I guess I can’t stand
The responsibilities
You have to do this
You have to do that
All I’ve ever wanted
Is to not feel so bad
I just shut down
I don’t need you in my life
I miss when we used to hug and say goodnight
Now I just fall into this dreamless sleep
I miss you so much I don’t want to breathe

I found something that’s better than rejection
It’s turned into a quiet obsession
It started out easy
Just once in a while
Friends started leaving
Regret began to pile
I found something magical
It never gets old
It’s more important than friends or goals
I can’t stand eye contact
I do what I’m told
I’ll go as far as I have to go
I wouldn’t really say
That there’s anything wrong
But on quiet days
I have to face
Most of my friends are gone
It’s a pain that’s temporary
I won’t feel it for long
Once the magic fades away
Again the chase is on

If I had to write a letter
To tell you why I’m gone
If I knew it would make things better
When I’m finally moving on
If I could find the words to say
I’m sorry and I want to change
But I don’t want to change for you
I really want to want it too
I know it starts with saying that
I want the relationship we once had
I miss you so much I can’t feel it now
I say this though I hear the sound
Of lawnmowers humming
On one of the hottest days
That started out dewy, and cloudy, and gray

I’m done with wishing

It’s gotten me nowhere

I’m done just existing

Standing silently there

There are more ways to be present

Than being mindlessly loud

I don’t want to feel restless

Wondering how I look, and sound

Wishes are empty

What does it mean

To promise someone something

You only had within a dream

I don’t want to know

And I don’t want to see

I don’t want to hear

How cowardly of me

My words mean nothing

They come from nowhere

So if I am talking

Just pretend I’m not there

The things that I say

They don’t make sense

They come from a place

That’s confused and distressed

All I want to do

Is say the right thing

My thoughts are strange

They don’t belong to me

It’s easier with you

To just erase my mind

After all this time

I’ve kind of been trained

To put on a mask

Smile

And lie through the pain

I want to die

By a fist to the face

So forceful I fly

Into the abyss of space

I want someone to punch me

As hard as they can

If my nose gets ******

It may spray on their hand

They can’t be squeamish

Or hold back

Just know that I need this

Make my world turn black

I want the bones in my face to break

I want the teeth in my mouth to cave

All I’m really trying to say

Is I hope I die in an awful way

I was once told

Everything starts with a thought

It was me that let go

But now that it’s done

It suddenly hurts

The emotionless divide

I’m not like her

But God knows I tried

I know you deserve

So much better than me

You say I don’t mean it

But it’s plain to see

I am dramatic

And I tell lies

What’s worse than having

A daughter despite

Everything right that you tried to do

Just turn into a monster and betray you

I don’t care what you think of me

If it’s good, if it’s bad

I can’t separate the feelings

Each one carries an expectation it seems

I had no dreams

Just who you wanted me to be

This world seems to treat me
As low as I hang my head
I just can’t help feeling
Things are better left unsaid
If I choose to ruminate
Abiding by rules no one created
Only I will be the fool
Only then will I be mistaken
The best moments in life
Weren’t given much thought
And some of the worst
But at least they brought
Something to be said
And through it all
I realize everything starts with a thought
Maybe that was you and I
The same old thoughts going through my mind
If I say they are good thoughts they will be
It’s o k to miss you being apart of me

Following a path
Walking aimlessly still
Clutching a staff
I don’t look down until
The root of some tree
It trips me up
Suddenly everythings so far above
You really don’t land so far when you fall
Reaching for stars and missing them all
I’ll train my hand
To be more precise
I know that I can
Look fear in the eyes
I can calmly acknowledge
That it does in fact exist
The only thing wrong with falling
Is the fear of it

Karma’s a *****
You reap what you sow
I only know this
I’m good in my soul
I always mean well
Sometimes I forget
It’s just hard to tell
When your eyes are wet
I love the sunshine
And warmth of white sand
When the tears dry
I’ll hold your hand
A thousand times
I’ve thrown you away
Even still
You choose to stay

If love is something
That cannot be changed
If it can’t be misplaced
Or taken away

If love is sure
Like a tree in the ground
And old brick buildings
Unoccupied now

If love is something that can’t be seen
Existing in places far in between
Love can be a thought
Or the seasons change
Only gone when forgotten
Love has no face
It’s beauty is unexpected
And strange in a way
Going undetected
In its hidden place

Gazing into shimmering pools
And the glittering light reflected
I dream of the love I’ll find
In things often neglected

I found a new love
It’s stuck by my side
It takes me above
The worries in my mind
I’ve thrown it away a thousand times
Thinking it was too good to be mine
It’s scary giving your heart a chance
Allowing yourself to be held in the hands
Of invisible fate that hangs over me still
I can’t control it, what’s bound to happen simply will
Life is so much better living in the now
Not worrying when, or where, or how
In this moment I’m free of guilt
I’m forgetting a million things
But for now it’s nice to just
Chill

I remember how it used to be
When it felt like it was just you and me
As time went on our world would expand
You were so far, I couldn’t reach your hand
That’s okay I’ll be fine on my own
Life's everything it should be, but still it’s so cold
The biggest part of me has nowhere to go
It’s hard to sleep
I thought I didn’t want you to know
Now these things eat me alive
The things I held in all the while
There should be a date when thoughts expire
When people just move on
And get over desires
I just love to feel good in the moment
So I don’t think about it over and over
I like to feel good every second of each day
Just to keep the darkness away
Just to keep a smile on my face
Everything else settles beneath
My skin riddled with scars and ink
You were everything to me
Now I’m running from memories
I never want to be close to you again
You don’t know who I am

I get so scared when you call
I know the numbers don’t add up at all
I get so nervous talking to you
The same old worries, nothing new
It seems there’s this big fall looming over me
Much more severe than scraping a knee
Maybe the ground will break beneath my feet
Only God knows what’s beneath
I have to keep my mind from these thoughts
Everyday I’ve got no choice but to carry on
There are so many people
Living different lives
Problems much more significant than mine
Real issues, real people
I don’t care if I’m your equal
I don’t care what I am to you
Same old worries, nothing new

Sometimes for a moment I glance away
From the street before me on the drive home
Usually stuck beneath a light, gazing into the rain
Some days feel impossibly long
I keep singing last summer’s songs
If it weren’t for transactions I wouldn’t know the date
Between the mailbox and the bus stop I wait
Maybe I’m finally moving on
In the keyed up plastic I see myself
I can’t ask anyone for help
I know the way home I’ve been a thousand times
But it rarely feels like home once I arrive

I’ll never mean anything to you
And that shouldn’t matter to me
Sometimes it really is the truth
That’s so hard to believe
If I don’t take hold of these things
They will drift away
The words that burn like cuts and sting
They bother me everyday
I’m the only one who can believe in me
What can anyone else say
I always feel lonely
But I push everyone away
No one loves unconditionally
Except Mary Jane

My love is like an ocean
It's depth is unknown
I wish I knew what to say
I wish I wasn't so cold
I know my moment is far away
I'm sensible enough, I know the space
I know the distance between you and I
It exists physically but solely in my mind
There are a million ways to get to you
But time can never be removed
If my love breaks gently like waves against the shore
It will simply return to its place before
How can I learn if I can't recall what's past
Where do I find a joy that will last
I know the answers are within myself
Every feeling must be felt
Every thought has a place
Why do I numb myself so I won't have to face
The problems I just try to sleep away
The worries that settle beneath my eyes when I wake
And spread over my skin like a mask on my face
They always greet me, once again
Whether I ignore, or recognize them
Some evil things are not affected by time
They will forever remain until love is mine

The day you began seeing me
As you see everyone else
Was the day I tried to stick up for myself
The day I said what I knew to be true
Was the day I became nothing to you

I want to be “honest”
But if I say
“I want to hurt myself”
They’ll lock me away
And leave me with the thoughts
That hurt the most
In my eyes it’s worse
Than voices or seeing ghosts
It’s a trap
They love to play
The “open up to me”
So I can lock you up game

Possessions in life
They come and go
Working all night
For money to blow
I stare blankly at the car ahead
Yellow lights, the streets are dead
That’s when I like it best
When no one’s around
I can’t be worthless
When I’m alone I can’t be compared
In the darkness not even shadows appear
My thoughts are boundless
I cannot be wrong
If I don’t speak them into life’s song
Negativity is unfounded
I am the sun
I am not less than anyone

If you can’t recall the past
You’re bound to repeat
If you don’t pick up the glass
You’ll cut your feet
Everyday questions
Aren’t too much to ask
Life’s many lessons
I keep coming back
I love to forget
And wander instead
I’ll wander into something
So much better one day
Please keep looking out for me
I promise in my heart I’ll always believe
These lessons they’re mine alone to keep
I can only hold onto positivity

Sometimes I dream of a place in my mind
It doesn’t quite go with the pace of life’s time
What would I find if it took me away?
I’d find myself ending an unproductive day
Nothing means anything if it’s in your head
So just let it go and put things to rest
Think of the good things in life instead
Life’s never difficult till you’re nearly dead
I don’t want anyone to know how I feel
My feelings make sense only to strangers, who listen at will
Strangers who don’t know who I am
Strangers who come and go as they can
I never want to rely on someone
I want to throw off my shoes and run
I want the ground to harden my feet
One day no one will say I am weak

If you need to leave
I don't want you to stay
I don't need you to breathe
I'm fine anyway
Sometimes it's better to have loved and lost
To have the love be dead and gone
Than the bitter tease, you come and go
Just make up your mind so I'll know

African sunshine
Blacken my skin
African sunshine
Feeds melanin
I won't be ashamed
Of where my roots lie
I'll embrace the color
Of African sunshine

I'm staying in this Friday night
Don't need the parties to get high
I've got a party all on my own
So **** the fakes and stuck up hoes
I don't wanna hotbox the car
Or run crazy through the yard
I just wanna trip in my room
And dream of the things we could do
Inhaling the good
Exhale the bad
You never understood
It's all I ever had
I'm staying in
Don't hit me up
Call me a flake
I don't give a ****
I love the silence
Where I can make up
A very own world
Just me alone
I'm not going out
I'm staying at home
Just wanna trip
And be alone

I hope you're happy
But ******* too
You're better off without me
I'm too blue for you
Sometimes I dream
Of the places we've been too
The things you used to say
The things we used to do

The wishes that sleep in your heart
The thoughts that take your breath away
The words that tear your mind apart
And keep you up both night and day
The smells are like dreams from the past
And all the things we hoped would last
They shatter like the church stained glass
Catching sunlight, lying in the grass
This fragile image of ourselves
Traps is in this dismal hell
Chasing riches and boundless wealth
These lives were living, the lies we tell
I wonder if the voice has gone
The one that tells us right from wrong
Sometimes I hear it, sometimes I don't
But either way I'll always know