The end of something beautiful
Is drawing near
And there's nothing we can do
To stop it I fear
We knew it was coming
Yet we let it creep up
Until it was screaming
Strangling us
I'm so afraid
A fear more than just change
I really want you to stay
I can't imagine a day
Without your smile
So wide and bright
Cheek to cheek
Innocent and light
For no reason more
Than unbroken joy
A joy that I'll always envy
Through eyes darting and coy
Oh God I'll miss you
And your little gifts
I wish I could have helped you
I wish I could have stopped this
Or was it simply inevitable
You've accepted it
And so have I
But it always hurts so badly
Saying goodbye

Breathing
Moving
Looking around
Doing all these things
Focus drowning out the sound
To identify one sense
Is to ignore the rest
I'm so overwhelmed
Done trying my best
Can't think straight
A world beyond my chair
A thousand miles of smiling eyes
Mocking me there
They're lined up in a row
Stepping aside as I walk
Eyes unmoving
They gasp and gawk
And I want to hunch over
I want to cry and scream
But I keep going
Because I guess it seems
It's not normal
To simply break down
To suddenly cave
And throw yourself on the ground
To bang your fists
Against your head
To tell a bystander
That you wish you were dead
All these things
In my dizzy mind
Screaming at me
All the time

Will I startle you
When you see me again
With fingers like twigs
Hanging onto a branch
Will you be afraid
To touch my skin
Thin as a sheet
Barely covering what's within
Will you gasp
When you see my face
Cheeks caved in
Eyes a sunken in disgrace
Will you even noticed
That I've changed at all
Will you even realize
How much of me is gone?

I don't get it
I don't understand
You could let go
But I still can't
Nothing to grab
In my needy hands
Ash falling down upon
Burnt, barren land
The buildings are empty
The people have gone
I'm lying in the street
Inhaling the calm
A silence so loud
It violently screams
Even in your absence
I'll never be at peace
I talk as if there's something to say
I act as if you're watching
Though you've gone away
But pretense gives me purpose
And in fantasy I live
Miscellaneous items
Just a small glimpse
Spinning
Twirling
Exhaling a thought
I closed my eyes for a moment
And upon opening you were gone

I had this dream
And you were there
And I was dying
But you weren't scared
I had this dream
That I was almost dead
But you weren't sad
You wanted me to rest
And I felt the warmth
Of your hand on my head
It was so hot it was cool
And I couldn't comprehend
But once I passed on
I truly realized
It was the energy of that touch
That kept me alive
I had this dream
That we both died
And in our graves
We both decided
To throw a party
With the worms
And ants arrived
In tiny swarms
I had this dream
That we were alive
And I was walking down a hall
Wishing to die
But my heart picked up
As I walked through the double doors
Because my eyes were fixated
On on that warmth
And the back of her head
Came into sight
Long dark curls
I almost sighed
In some sort of relief
I took a seat
It was lunch time
And I was beat
I had this dream
That I wasn't weird
And I didn't live in fantasies
And I wasn't held together by tears
And I wasn't weaving webs
Around my arms and legs
Then getting agitated and upset
When I couldn't move
*******
I had a dream
That there were eyes on your hands
And they were showing me
Some foreign land
Speaking in
Some foreign tongue
I now know to be
The language of love
I turned and grabbed
A safety pin
I opened it
And jabbed it in
The eye deflated
And began to bleed
And yet you still
Stayed close to me
I had this dream
Yet I knew I was dreaming
I still believe
Claiming to be done believing
Dreaming
Dizzy
Twitching
Life
Spinning around
Leaving me behind
Spiders crawling
Over my skin
Into my nostrils
Breathing them in
They're making their webs
Inside my lungs
They're laying eggs in my heart
Then I woke up

I don't know
What I want you to know
But I want you to know
Something
So I'll keep
Tossing rhymes about
Hoping you'll understand me
Who are you
And what am I?
Empty feelings
In disguise
As something much more
Than what they are
Searching for meanings
In glowing stars
Can't we just accept
That they twinkle and shine
Instead of wracking our brains
Wondering why
Just lay back
Under the sky
And for once
Just once in our miserable lives
Inhale the miasma
Of a world dying

There are those who live in the moment
And those who chase it
Legs burning
Heart pounding
Worthless races

There's no fast forward
I can't find the rewind
I have no control
Over time as it flies
And when I'm in agony
It simply won't pass by
Slowing to a crawl
Dragging out my silent cries
Seems life's a series
Of fast paced slow motion
Before I can even reach out
I've lost a thousand moments
And when I finally decide
To give up on catching time
Something beautiful occurs
Before my very eyes

I hang on too long
Arms go the wrong way
I guess I just want
The moment to stay
I hold on too tight
Fingertips pressed into skin
Clinging onto time
When will I see you again?

I'm a broken record dying to be played
Stranded up on a shelf
Lonely and afraid

It's already over
So just move on*
But God ******
It feels so wrong
You told me forever
And I guess it's been that long
I lost track of time
I can't believe you're gone

Hair pulled back
Head-achingly tight
Make up painted on
Smoky black around her eyes
There's nothing she's really looking for
Under her foolish disguise
Just someone to lay with
To help her forget the darkness of night

And all the gifts you gave
Couldn't mend my broken heart
You took me all over the place
Yet my head stayed at the start
You spoiled me with sweets
And I rotted to my feet
Flesh falling off my bones
For vultures to swoop down and eat
I don't care about wrapping paper
Or hundred dollar receipts
I wish you'd see
That all these things
Could never replace
Having you next to me

I wish I could kiss you
Just one more time
And taste the sin
Between your lips and mine
I wish I could touch you
And see your face
But you're long gone
You're far away
I'll never forget
Just how you taste
It was so unique
And when I lay
Perfectly still
And close my eyes
Your lips again
Rest upon mine

If there's a thousand places
That you'd rather be
Then don't waste your youth
Wasting away with me
If your mind is wandering
From the words on my lips
Then go and run off
With the other kids
The last thing I want
Is for you to feel like I do
And I feel like I trap you
Every time we hang
So please don't drag this out
I won't beg you to stay
Just please save yourself
I'm wasting away

Oh God what have I done
What happened to everyone?
In the fog of my own brain
They simply slipped away
It's gotta be my fault
Was it something I said?
I miss them all so much
I miss all my old friends
I swear I'll buy this time
Let's all hang out again
I swear I'll even drive
Don't leave me high and dry
God I miss my friends
Can't stop wondering why

If time had wings
Would it fly away
And leave me frozen
Stuck on this day
This wretched moment
This dreaded hour
If time could fly
It'd never be ours
Maybe it feels pressure
To slow or fast forward
Maybe time is lonely
In the hand of the Lord
Maybe time wishes
It could please us all
If time had wings
I bet it'd fly away
And I wouldn't hold it to fault

I'm sorry I don't remember
All the things you do
Dates and numbers
Waning crescents and full moons
I don't remember when you get off work
I forget to text you back
I leave makeup brushes and shirts
But I know for a fact
That I love you
So, so much
It might not seem like it
But I can't get enough
I remember
What the words on your chest mean
I actually remember lots of things
I remember how you write your name
I know how you like your tea
A tad of honey
Never over steeped
I know how you breathe
Just before you sleep
Quiet jokes and odd dreams
You show up with flowers and cards
And I show up in ripped jeans
But I swear I remember
At least the little things

I won't stop loving you
'Till you stop loving me
And even when you've up and gone
I'll simply draw up my knees
And hibernate for a while
Dreaming of the days
When our love was young and wild
Before you slipped away

Anxious words slip off the pen
How fast can I jot them down
Before they escape their den
The den of my mind
That's racing all the time
That can't contain all these ideas
For worthless riddles and rhymes
Sometimes I simply have to take a breath
And exhale these thoughts away
A predator does not catch
Every prospective prey

I'm locked in a prison
In which I'm the guard
Brittle, tired bones
Are my cell bars
Along the walls of damp corridors
Echoes the sound of my heart
I've been trapped in here so long
I can see through the dark
Where shunned thoughts hide
In murky black fear
I'm not alone in this cell
Yet it's so lonely here
For the only thing left
To accompany me
Is the song of my mistakes
And my sorrowful heart's beat

I can't draw
And I can't sing
I can't do a lot of things
I have to take breaks
When I run
Because I pollute
My sorry lungs
I cannot put words
To my feelings sometimes
So I talk in choppy sentences
And send you late night rhymes
I can't get that one strand of hair
To lie flat on my head
And sometimes I forget I'm alive
Convinced that I'm dead
I'm really not good
At getting out of bed
I can't do a lot of things
Other people can

When the thought crosses my mind
That you might not even know
Just how the loss of you
Shattered my brittle soul  
I can't help suddenly cringe
And shut my eyes tight
Your love I tried to win
My heart wounded in the fight

I'd like to think
That at least one time
As the mess that is "me"
Happens to walk by
That someone around
A complete stranger to me
Has turned their head
And maybe just maybe thought
That I was
P r e t t y

I hear the noises
Of you preparing to leave
Lazy eyes rolling
Taking in the scene
Ready to do it
All over again
Even though I'm still feeling
The mind altering effects
Your feet are thumping
Down the stairs
I'm truly sorry
I don't even get scared
Not anymore
I'm not afraid
The person you know
Is far away
There really is
No self in me
So grab your jacket
And clink your keys
I'm pulling the drapes
Away from the window
Your sleek car starts
With a reddish glow
It remains in the driveway
For a moment or two
And I stand still
Taking in the view
Breathing in the simplicity
Of the action in itself
Before you drive off
And I'm left by myself
By myself
All alone
In this place
Our shared home
Except for that box
That's calling my name
The one that's been singing
All **** day
The only thing for my presence
That'll ever wait
I love when you leave
I love empty space

Feeling lethargic
Forgetting how to breath
Or simply forgetting
That breath is entering me
Slipping into oblivion
Yet still functioning somehow
Hypocritical *******
Flowing out of my mouth
I'm just saying what you wanna hear
I'm just hearing what you have to say
Slipping in and out on the floor
Dreaming the day away
Facing turning blue
Unaware of the threat
Looming over me
That is sudden death

The love I've lost haunts me like a broken hearted ghost
She's mourning something terrible, forlorn wails and moans
The love I've lost follows me leaving a trail of miserable tears
It's keeping the one who loves me now from coming anywhere near

No one understands you
And you can't understand why
So you sit and flail and throw a fit
You scream up at the sky
You ask why you're even hear
You wish you weren't alive
You call each and every one of us
You look to your daughters to cry
I hate to say this
I really do
But just..I mean.. look at you
You abandoned your children
Stood back as they grew
And played the victim when they turned on you
Not that they betrayed you to begin with
You pushed them beyond their boundless limits
You've hurt them more than you'll ever know
You say you've paid for your mistakes tenfold
I'm not here to ridicule or judge
But our grandmother is old and she's had enough
You're acting like a girl my age
You really are a waste of space
All the things you say about yourself
They'll always be true
Until you get up
Until you make the move
I know you're hurting
I know you are
It's the reason you've destroyed yourself
Why you're falling apart
Your desperate cries fell upon deaf ears
When you needed them they were nowhere near
When help finally came it was way too late
You were so far gone, in a manic state
But people with pasts so much worst than yours
People who have trudged through disasters and wars
But then again what's an arrow to a bear?
You're just a rabbit, bleeding there
All I see are two girls that need love
And a foolish woman who needs to grow up
A mentally ill woman who needs to get help
A is for addict
And addiction is hell

And I love when you talk my ear off
Don't ever say you're a pest
I wanna hear you at 3 am
I wanna hear you stressed
I wanna hear you first thing in the morning
I wanna hear you before bed
Living in the absence of your voice
Is the loneliest I've ever been
You're never annoying
You never will be
So please oh please
Just talk to me

I don't feel well
But I'm not sick
I've just got aches
And pains in my chest
I've just got some thoughts
Stuck in my head
It's hard to breath
It's hard to rest
Wide awake
Can't get out of bed

I love the tattoos
On your skin
You're so beautiful
It should be a sin
Tracing my fingers
Along the lines
Taking in
The intricate designs
Some may ask
What you've done to yourself
Some think they're ugly
And unprofessional as well
But in my eyes you're perfect
They're the finishing touch
Reaching inside
You ripped out your guts
And with the blood
You painted a scene
Of everything you want
Outsiders to see
You say some don't
Have much meaning at all
Simply inking empty thoughts
Either way
I adore each one
Never change
My only love

I've lost the feeling of myself
Slowly decaying in a brittle shell
I'm so far from what was close to home
I lost the trail I made of stones
Dropping each carefully one by one
Along a desert baked by the sun
Now it's fall and I still can't breath
Am I even capable of being happy?

I hate that you follow me into my dreams
The fact that I'm "safe" is hard to believe
I can't erase the image of you waiting for me
When all I wanted to do was run to safety
But because of dreadful family ties
Because of zipped lips and petty lies
I gingerly approached you with tears in my eyes
You know my address
And it keeps me up at night

Maybe I'm just antisocial
Or too withdrawn
But being with family
Feels so wrong
Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Years Eve
All these events
These dreadful things
I love them all
I most confess
They're my family
More or less
But when I'm
Surrounded by them
I feel like
An alien

For all the wounds that just won't close
All the sorrows they'll never know
For all the tears behind closed doors
We'll drink just a little more

Here's a few pieces of me
I carved them out myself
Add them to you
With a bit of glue
Or put them up on a shelf
No matter what you do with them
I truly hope they help
They're not much
They're barely enough
Bruised and beaten
Stained in blood

I don't want to forget
But my memory betrays
Everything I've held onto
Is slipping away
It's for my own good
It's been haunting me for years
Pulling at my strings
Lurking in my fears

I want to hold your sleepy hand
And kiss your sleepy eyes
I want to lay on dying grass
And look up at the sky
I long for drives down moonlit roads
Going places no one ever goes
I want that something that you give
The one need not be explained
A silent gift
I want that nothing that you give
It's everything to me
It's why I live

It hurts to leave bed
It hurts to cry
It hurts to stay
And wonder why
There's so many thoughts
In this dizzy head
That swirl round and round
Full of hurt and dread
And then the guilt
For feeling this way
For not getting up and trying
To chase the day
But I'm tired of running
I'd rather walk
I'd rather lay down on the tracks
And watch the clock

I'm not jealous of your shine
But it always outshines mine
Everywhere we go
I feel it all the time
The rays of light that beam
Off your sun bright smile
Make me shy away
Make me wonder why
It's not your fault
That your beauty shines
Like the light that glimmers
Off the ocean so wide
I'm sure if you weren't in shackles
You'd be free to fly
You'd go far away
Would you ever wonder why?
But my tragic flaw
My deepest cut
Causing my spiraling
Tumbling downfall
Don't I know?
That everyone hurts?
Even this vibrating substance of beauty
That is her
I promise I won't think about
The light that I see
That bounces off of you
And gets absorbed into me
A pitch black void
A swirling, humming abyss
Of nothing and everything
Yearning to **** you in

Your eyes roll around
In their tiny hiding slits
Lazily taking me in
Enjoying all of this
Stray strands of hair
Black as the darkest night
Hang over your forehead
Like a drape hiding the light
Your fingers search for something
Like a vulture soaring high
Swooping down to steal me
Creeping up and down my spine
Your skin is pale as ever
You're thin as a corpse
But underneath the clothes you wear
There's hidden strength of course
I know it well and I dare not defy
There's a spark of something in your eye
When your face lowers
Closer and closer to mine
Your smell intoxicates
My dizzy dreaming mind
I can't tell if you're my dissociation
Or if my dissociation is you
So I'll hold onto spinning illusions
And tiny peeking clues
I'll cling to the warmth of a body
Breathing slowly beside mine
I'll wish upon the silent words
Exchanged through lost time

The light can't find us
Where we're headed
It cries out softly
Spilling into a shallow crevice
Light can't reach us
Where we're going
Abandoning everything
We spent our whole lives knowing
Unsure if we'll ever feel it's rays again
Beaming down on golden, suntanned skin
Where we're going
Light dares not to dwell
So to it's warmth
We say farewell
Hiding from the light
We abandoned our masks
And sink into darkness
Free at last

When everything’s fine
These little webs
They’re pulling at me
All the time
Wrapped around my legs
Stuck to my arms
These little webs
Grow from my heart
And wrap me up
In a crazy mess
A tangled muddle
Of hopeless sadness
What would I be?
Without these webs?
Surely I’d still
Never find happiness
I’d be unwound
For the world to see
I like these webs
They make me
*Me

It all seems like a blur to me now
Awash in the euphoria of being found
Lately all I can think about
Is how cold it is here on the ground
I haven't gotten up since you left me here
Limbs tangled in vines
Flowers growing in my hair

And they say we're rude
But we're shaking in our shoes
Anxious "Hellos" and "Goodbyes"
Quivering lips dribbling "Thank you's"
And endless "I'm sorry's"
For breaking outdated unspoken rules
In old, weathered eyes
We're just young, disrespectful fools
You had your struggles
We have ours
Now you sit and nitpick
While our world's still vast and far
From waitresses juggling plates
To secretaries scheduling dates
Please be patient, just wait
In this moment, we're carrying all we can take

I can't even remember the last words you said
Dead conversations
Is the message still "read"?