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Ago
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Ago
Past of dread, to you I cry.
Please duly note, I plead.
Life of yearning, that of grief,
A pliant concept, need.

A path of stone, of certain way
Now broken, loss of canter.
I stumble through unmarked loam
Lonely thoughts seek banter.

Odd, true, that one might wish for this,
As sadness, I begrudge.
Important, here, regard from now.
To first address; you'll judge.

In the greeting, first of words
Do give way to what's sought.
History, then, is what is found.
That late mind's state: distraught.

Define this current mode I must.
It's clarity you shall know.
Vital I cast my wish complete,
Lest current hate should grow.

The prints of blame lie with a poll.
Disheveled souls, align.
Debauched deceit has had its say.
Count souls that don't count time.

This moment owning essence,
All alone it does decay.
Crying out to hopelessness,
As it loses will to stay.

Thus, being sole, the toll is one
A total far too great.
For none should bear such shameful fear.
Lasciviousness, abate!

Now cast a line behind your eyes.
Despite this glare, you'll find.
That love controlled the souls in there.
Worst ruthlessness, I'd bind.

The past shall census, finding none!
No vultures there did thrive.
No broken hearts to feed upon.
It's then I felt alive.

The souls did then discern a span.
A fear's place served a point.
Its force directed to all times
Hands couldn't form a joint.

See, souls combine when they align,
And thus, they become one.
In more than what's been stated, then
They counted thus as none.

It's in that line of olden count
The core of her and me
Did stand together, side by side
As proof that grief can't see.

Adjacent then, to these the polled
Stood third of counted spirits.
A woven work of love that drove
All sadness far from near it.

The number past, then being none
Shows no decaying soul.
Just two who's only fears did lie.
In a separated whole.

Sadness, then, was due to love,
As now, it's due to hate.
And this is why I wish for aches
Of bygone days of wait.

A time when hurts were dealt with words.
A simple I love you
Was all it took to calm the nerves
When badly missing you.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Tormented by the inhibitions left by static spite,
Basking in the frigid drafts consuming all my might,
Tolerance of discontent is waning as I seek--
Ameliorate all signs of doubt as I strive to critique
Days that lie in pasts that dwell as too close memories.
Reminding me in urgent swells to spurn the life I'm teased.
Duplicity that I have known has bled through cracks to present
Pooling deep upon the floors, reflecting love's lament.
Though it had left, in vapid form, unfairly casting blame
It soon returned, did blessed gift, in noted disarray.
Malcontent, you dissadent, in place of your deception,
God did show me His intent. An angel. An exception.
Cast upon this wretched ground to spread an abstruse joy
Impossible odds stitched a seam that bound her to a boy.
Broken, bruised and battered still, I'd seen in her composure.
I, that boy, had found a way to break free of enclosure.
With velvet hands, she wound a way into my beating heart.
Coils stretched, entwined in labyrinth patterns just to start,
My life's true love soon spun a web to shelter my sad soul.
Escape, it sought. She brought it back, as bells of health did toll.
Inordinately, overmuch! Soon, she was forced to go.
Between our homes is such a space, I prayed it not be so.
Continents though, can't divide a bond as strong as this.
Though fortunes don't quite convalesce as quickly as we wish.
Distance shall create at times unnerving states of grief.
Fear not, my love. Please understand that hope shall cast relief.
Time shall prove, I know, assured, to be a vagrant woe.
Rampant flame of ardor shall cascade it's forceful flow.
Come with me, our hands entwined to drift upon this wave
That carries fortune, hope and promise to our hearts, the brave.
Fighting for each other proves to all we needn't care
For petty thoughts of lack of trust that dwell among despair.
Too far above the crowd we fly to be dragged down by doubt.
Jealousy shall taint us not as we lie near without.
Space reserved exclusively for us, we two, the chosen.
Exemplified mold of a love locked in all ages, frozen.
So though communication shall at times still pull us down to weeping,
Remember, dearest, all I've stated for the love we're keeping.
Escape, it can't. It's locked inside our souls that we now share.
Please revel in it's warming glow if you shall ere despair.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Beauty is the beating heart,
Love's first kiss, or sad depart.
A glimpse unto the soul within,
At our life's yearning to begin.

Beauty is your hand in mine,
Arm in arm, our love divine.
The laugh that forms behind the grin,
When tickling toes or nibbling chins.

Beauty is the way you touch,
The joy within that seems too much.
Forming words your heart beats true,
Beauty is my love for you.
Derek Miller May 2023
I clipped my nails this morning
And mourned the loss of that claw-like keratin
It is strange to consider
        -it is lost in the carpet
That it will never again mark your skin
As I burrow into you

I will grow another
Proteinaceous remnant of evolution
To defend against the void
         -black holes are strange
That aches to consume me
Should I be deprived of you

Yet it will not hold the memory
Of the skin cells I stripped
Your flesh folding like the shirt
         -it lies forgotten on the floor
That befell the same fate
When you settled in my lap
Derek Miller Feb 2011
what's it like when all forget you?
how does it feel when the world just quits too?
they fell in line and left me stranded.
forsaking friendship to become branded.
society says, 'congrats. you're normal.'
to me? less kind. 'you're far too formal.'
slow change, it seems, can't hurt enough,
for friends must then forsake your trust.

dear sir, you're kind, i'll give you that,
but good sense spots my shameful acts.
so sadly i must now suspend
this bond you've known. now this portends...
we know through life you've suffered greatly
we also see that hurt known lately.
she broke your heart, we all know that.
just quit your tears. she won't come back.
assure you now, i surely must.
that karma shall prove to be just.

we don't quite care that you're left out.
deny, we will, without a doubt.
see? we're still here. semblance of care.
it's strange how you are not aware
for false support and apathy
are truly acts to help you see
that we've in no way cast away
the friend you still are, day by day.

it's in response i wish to tell
you cheats and fiends of wanton hell.

so now attend. you'll hear this voice
it's time i've left you all no choice.
before i'm gone you'll know the truth.
that you were far beyond uncouth.
your forged endeavors fooled me not.
i won't forget that you forgot
all that i've done for all of you.
but, foolish, still, i stand quite true.
despite this pain that you all caused,
it's not as though my throes just paused.
there, in my time of greatest need.
i meant it when i knelt to plead.
i'm strong enough to fend of much,
and this you know, and so, as such
why can't you see that when i tried
to reach for hands when mine were tied
that surely then, in dire straits
i was, for sure, no pride abates
in simple scenes where i could hold
my head aloft, and remain bold.
i needed you. i couldn't see.
my vengeful fear had blinded me.
my love for her had left a curse
i couldn't shake, dispell, disperse.
i doubt that you shall ever know
of hurt that could consume quite so.
a scalding burn that transcends each
of prior wounds; pain you shan't reach.
up to this point, since i was born
i've struggled, fought, withstood the storms
not as a bridge that needs support
but as the the ship that sees no port.
i waged war with the reckless sea
of life-dealt pain and misery
alone i dealt with constant bathos.
fears born of stable crushing loss.
she left me shattered, nothing less
a beaten, battered, ****** mess.
i felt that i should quit this game.
who was i fooling? death was tame
compared with such a crushing blow.
how could I cope? i didn't know.
for reasons still unknown to me
i held onto complacency
which is to say i've not a word
that fits to shape that form absurd.
a huddled mass of spiteful spleen.
how cruel to force my heart to wean.
i needed love to quell that force.
divert my torture. stem the source.
i thought that what i'd done to try
to be the friend that never lied.
that stayed beside you, resolute
would pay off now, here on this route.
that sounds much worse than i would like.
but friends are friends, and friends alike.
i love you all, and i just hoped
for you to help me as i coped.
it seems that asking this was wrong
as i was left to sing this song
to empty seats in empty rooms
true solo, this. my heart assumes.
Derek Miller May 2023
There is a book of poetry pressed into your stomach.
Its pages take your warmth from the line they have made above your navel.
I am jealous of that script.
How wonderful to be a sheet of parchment in that spine -
What joy to take what was in you for its own.
Given the chance, I would seize it too.
Grip your heat like a hand that slips between your legs –
Grasping past slick thighs on wet denim.
Shorts that will soon be removed.
Yet I must wait.
You are framed in a sofa, and I –  
I am prostrate on the floor.
This is the wrong floor.
Your sofa sits upon another.
I count three ice cubes in your whiskey, though it may be two.
Oh, to be that amber liquid sliding down your throat.
Closer than the pages, but cooler than your *** –
Though just as wet.
A portrait of divine grace, you make me seek religion.
I find it in the small of your back and in the curling of your toes –
When you curve into my eagerness.
Dust will settle on the glass as it hangs upon my wall.
I will trace your frame with a finger –
Trailing lines that seek direction.
Will you come for me?
Derek Miller May 2023
Adieu, adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Sweet like antifreeze on the tongues of feral cats
who breathe their last in forgotten hovels or a roadside ditch.
Sweet as your saccharine sweat
arresting strands of hair that lay pasted to your furrowed brow.
It does not do a heart much good
to beat in time with a careless mind –
Shoddy metronome of disregard, and I care too much.

Tempest-tossed albatross that I am,
lying as a millstone about your neck.
No longer buoyed on broken wings, but held fast;
bound with calloused hands that seek but don’t offer.
Of your tasks I might inquire
though you care not for mine.
Unrequited interest is a flare whose glare I should prefer not to see.

Unbound books in a wicker basket –
three for a dollar.
Darned clothing smells of bleach and despair –
rifle through their memories.
I am damaged goods behind the thrift store
with no spot on the shelf.
Aberrant detritus unfit for reuse.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
My journey through the forlorn miles,
The one's compelled by hated trials,
Brought me to a place once seen
Not long ago, before serene.
That bygone voyage still was made
As my attempt to then evade
The eyes of those who didn't care
Resulted in my worst despair.
The floor beneath me just gave way.
I fell so swiftly through the days.
The blur resulting from the fall
Did never quite consume the gall.
For vexed was I, beyond belief.
So there I lay, consumed with grief.
We'd had enough, I had to go
Back to the home that I did know.
For there at least, I'd hoped to find
Some solace and a peace of mind.
For here at least were those I knew,
The friends I'd had to bid adieu.
But no, instead, the blows still rained
With tidal force, its strength sustained.
The ones upon whom I had counted
Left me to be, til I'd surmounted
All the pains that life had dealt,
Once more alone, though I had knelt.
I'd pleaded, begged, asked for support.
But in the end, I came up short.
So to this day, I deal with this
A single man, lost in the mist.
The home that I had always known
Now held no hope for one so prone
To agony that needs the aid
Of all who'd once assured they'd stayed.
The other roots that'd found their way
Into my life were here to stay,
And it was these that once more made
Me come back here, where I'd decayed.
As life began to start anew,
My false elation never grew.
Instead it soon assumed its role
That I'd disguised, had covered whole.
Now once again, it grew unkempt
The letdowns I'd held in contempt.
I wanted just to fall in love.
On me, it fits much like a glove.
I simply feel that I am here
To show the one whom I revere
Just how much my soul puts out.
'Twere love a voice, this heart would shout.
And finally, I caught a break.
For here she was, just for my sake.
She held the values I loved most.
And not once did she ever boast
Of this, an overwhelming trait
The one that carries awesome weight.
Her beauty hit with shock and awe.
Such purity, so rich, so raw.
In seconds I'd felt drawn to her,
Excitement clouding my need to err
On sides of caution, lest I return
To my cold hell, where I would burn.
As soon I grew to know this girl,
Anticipation made me whirl.
We were too surely much alike.
My sadness briefly, went on strike.
But here, once more, too soon again,
I'd come too late, her heart, the wren
Had flown away before I'd come
So back I am to feeling numb.
I will keep fighting, this I see
As I've not lost my will to be
One half of what I hope to form
Soon after I survive the storm.
So push me, pull me, break me down
You'll never force this heart to drown.
I will prevail. I will succeed.
I'll find that love, so now take heed.
Forbidden fruit, though surely sweet
Will never tempt me, wicked treat.
I'll do this right, and find the one.
I've not ended, but begun.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Forever linked by chains of love, your promise was the key.
Our bond was that of fabled myths, together we were free.
Removed from claims that love could fade, so sure were we in hope.
Escape from life to dreams that formed like knots along a rope.
Verbatim, tell me just once more what long ago you swore.
Each transient thought that passes through now makes me miss you more.
Respite always fails to come, how ravaged can one stand?
And how can I succumb to life without our tethered band?
No longer does hope cast a gleam toward which I shall seek.
Deterrant loss does force away all happiness; I'm weak.
Affiliate me just once more with what you tore from me.
Lessen burdens whose vast weight chokes off the air to breathe.
Why can't you still retain the heart that I had fallen for?
As then my shattered semblance of a soul could look for more.
You still reserve a place within, despite the pain you caused.
Sure happiness did turn around, my hope-filled life, you paused.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
to say that i am fed up now
would be a gross distortion.
blithe ignorance, i can't allow
to grow in same proportion
as thoughts that now let peons hold
onto bold misconceptions
that they alone do know this world
through cliche-formed perceptions.

take heed, blind fool, raise up thy head
and know the truth unknowing.
in lieu of fables, you'll instead
give seed to thoughts through sowing.
saddle up, then. take this ride
into the fields of fortune
where wealth is found to be inside
one's own mind's doled self portion.

if you shall find that you've not found
conceptions worth protecting
the cursory heart to own you're bound
since base you keep rejecting.
i'd liken you to one that's blind
t'were that not false relating.
at least the sightless seem to find
true art through innovating.

this path you've wound has been well formed
by all who've passed before you
the world beyond appears malformed
try harder now, eschew
all prior trends that formed this square
high time you shall contend.
ambivalence should you beware
now know, and don't pretend.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
I wish to now express to you
This feeling that my heart speaks true.
What's happened here is just and right,
Bestowing herculean might.
It seems but yesterday I saw
A beauty that left me in awe.
Like moth to flame I moved to see
And quell my curiosity.
I wish that you could know that joy
And hopes that I did then employ.
As they unfolded like a dream,
I could do naught but gaze and beam.
My smile never left my face,
And though I'd known my heart to race,
I let you know that though It'd run
This was the first time that It'd won.
And It was then I fell for you.
It felt too good that you did too.
But gracefully you swept me up.
My unkempt joy spilled from my cup.
From here we seemed to grow so fast,
All timid fear left in the past.
And you became a part of me,
A light that always brings me glee.
It seems I've known you all this time,
Though without reason, without rhyme.
I don't care that it makes no sense.
I'll fight against all false pretense.
For you're the sun that climbs and falls.
You're the voice that always calls
When I'm in need and cannot sleep.
This ambient fervor reaches deep.
You're so much more than my best friend,
Because together we transcend
Whatever problems we might face,
And still remain here in this space
That we have fought to call our own.
I'm proud to say this is my home.
Wherever you are, there I'll be,
And all shall now be called to see
It's in my heart that you reside.
Forever will you there abide.
I wish that words could mean much more.
To strength of writing I implore.
I wish for you to know this state.
I'm so sure now this is our fate.
Analogies don't quite assume
The roles I want them to presume.
It looks as if it's come to this.
I'm sorry if I seem remiss.
I cannot find another way
To speak what my heart begs to say.
So here it is, laid bare to see,
With all the strength inside of me.
Sweetheart, I love you. Always, true.
There's nothing I won't do for you.
For I would face the worst of life.
I'd tackle any fearful strife
If in the end, it meant you're here
For me to claim and hold me near.
Your warmth does things I can't relate.
No way could I articulate
My love for you, Its strength or will.
Even in death, I'll remain still,
Eternally yours, I'll always know;
Darling, I love you, unequivocally so.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
To see the spark that died out quickly,
Then feel the hurt that flew in swiftly,
Brought the dawn's rays brisk and cold,
A feeling warmth should not behold.
You were the straw that broke my back,
It seems I chose the will to lack
A skill that's vital to survive, and thrive,
Indeed. I chose to die.

The strength of love becomes the sword
Of double edge, striking! I'm bored
Of chronic pain that will not leave.
Relentless, biting, lest I grieve.
For in the pangs I find the spark;
That light that leads me to the ark.
The source of joy I'm bound to seek
'Til lacerations cut less deep.

It's in this house that I call home
I find myself, there left alone.
Where I was left to stew in doubt,
Recalling all that you left out.
And though you seek what shan't be sought,
I've found the things that can't be bought.
The love you took for granted, too,
I shall bestow on all but you.

For all are far more fit than thee
To wrap and gift to me the key
To which I shall unveil the truth
Behind the smiles of photo booths
Attached to memories of the past,
Of all the things that couldn't last.
With that I promise you, my dear;
I shall move forward, without fear.

The tortures, fevers, cramps and burns
Recede as quickly as worlds turn.
And though their speed seems too slow still,
My love for you becomes my pill.
My drug, my therapy, my escape.
An unknown man, with mask and cape.
But known to thee, i stir and wake
From floating pyre, on ravaged lake,
To be the dormant man no more.
I'll look to you and find the cure.

Your hate runs deep, my heart stings deeper.
One day soon you'll be the sleeper
That I once was, insomniac.
Too late, I've gone. I won't come back.
You'll know that hurt, cur, feel this wrath.
Your stench of lies deserves this bath.
So have your cake, and eat it too.
Embrace the fraud you've grown into.

When your time comes for outright candor.
Where none are fooled by subtle slander.
Your good name shall be as mud.
Hypocrite. Liar. Cheat. You're ****.
I detest the ease that my heart finds
To beat in time with my demise.
No longer shall I give to you
This core you sought to rip in two.

Indeed you won that battle, true.
This one last thing, I'll give to you:
The knowledge that I've made it back,
An anxious wolf among the pack,
But I've not stopped, I've passed the point
Where cipher's settle, and conjoint.
Normality is caustic still,
But scathing more, this truth shall ****.
To abate the storm, I've readied the cure.
Darling, with finality, I love you no more.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Often time will beckon forth a voyage toward a bond.
Yearning then pours forth in streams, eroding fears beyond.
Commitment causes one to give unto another, whole
A piece of them that proves devotion stemming from the soul.
Oft it starts in simple scenes in which a friend is sought.
Awaking to what might become, steps yield what can't be taught.
With firm resolve, thus I began toward this distant light.
Attraction wound a rope to guide lest I should lose my sight.
Firmly grasping, I took hold as inches turned to yards.
Elapsing time let tenderness cede not to prior guards.
Give no quarter, my heart cries, as bolder I ascend.
Steady forward movement soothes the soul to which you tend.
Day by day, thus we progress, tomorrow's but a thought.
Reveling in the time spent now; within your grace I'm caught.
Future-gazing interests not these eyes that don't look far.
Lost in this moment, I attest to present patience scars.
For burned within my mind are days of bygone calm persistence.
Rewards for taking time to capture all that's happened since.
Soldier on, I surely will, and build upon this wall.
Guiding ropes still linger fast, lest I should slip and fall.
Reminding me of journey's point and not just destination's.
Growing bonds that have formed roots affirm my inclination.
Take it slow, now rush it not. Continue to advance.
Our patience ensures none can say we never had a chance.
This was written on request from a friend so it didn't come out as strong or as clearly as I'd hoped since the emotions weren't really anything I was feeling. I just tried to put myself in his shoes. Hope it's not too bad :)
Derek Miller Nov 2012
Wake me. Shake me. Just embrace me. Let it all unfold.

Tame the pain that boils insane and stand for me to hold.

Rise and run the race you won for I still can't believe

A world exists where you are missed in just the way we grieve.



Shell-shocked. Broken. Clutching tokens proving you were here.

Stretching skin that's wearing thin on hands that pull you near.

Unfair: a word that's too absurd to symbolize the hour.

The moment when your soul escaped and hope lost all its power.



Return. Confirm that love holds firm in proving it can't lose.

I won't submit. I can't acquit the demon of his ruse.

How dare he take it all from me and leave this life asunder?

Ripped apart by apathy of others, I sink under.



No one knew us. No one saw the bond that rubbed the moonlight raw.

The love we held, its flame too bright. The light that left the day in awe.

Hurtful, too were all the truths that you shared just with me.

In doing so, you hid such depth that no two eyes could see.



Memories of all the times your lips formed words that shone

Echo evermore within. Reverberations hone.

They whittle bit by aching bit into the home you dug.

The roots you planted in my heart consume me like a drug.



Ironic, maybe that the reckless torture I should mention

Was one more creature that you conquered, breaking all convention.

Pride is such an empty word compared to what I felt

When you became a woman who could stand where she had knelt.



So this I have: A picture of your ever-gorgeous face.

Lividity I hold cries, "Save the angel he disgraced."

I've nothing else but vestiges of all that we once built.

A laugh. A tear. A broken fear whose sword pierced to the hilt.



Destroying misconceptions that once drove you to protection

We found love among the ashes of rejection.

Thus grasping toward affection, we got lost in misdirection.

Vonda, truly, our bond matches your complexion.



Beauty lies where dreams won't die, and this we'll always cling to.

Sharing minds that defy time and complicate what they knew.

Standing, fighting, life-delighting, wonderful; you opened

Eyes unto a world that showed you you were not quite broken.



Some part of me wished wistfully that I might 'ere have listed

Lines that drew a complicated swath 'round what we'd twisted.

Fingers that beat perfectly in time with songs of meaning.

Singing long into the nights that screamed of fates convening.



No, I think I'll keep the truth that only you and I can know.

The tears I've spilled don't need to find a place for life to grow.

I'm terrified that I can't hold you, see you, catch a glance.

But I love you too much for death to ever have a chance.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Imagine, once, a wicked plight
No way in which to shun a fight.
Force feed the lies just to appease
Accepting this to grieve with ease.
Proceeding toward a shoddy grave
Shallow, sunken. Thought depraved.
Increasing woes to bear to death.
****** legs and gasping breath.
In retrospect, it's hard to see
What brings about such misery.
Exacting out unfelt revenge
Results in one's thoughts to avenge
Broken spirits which can't rise
When notes' heartstrings still clutch demise.
Horrid anthem, death-drenched knoll.
Ruined focus, re-sought role.
Alloted, thus, as this I hate
Etching paths into my slate.
I cannot waiver, must stay true.
Regrettably, I've died anew.
Confound it. Now, I'll search again.
Friendship. Love. This, I now pen.
Ironically, my last concern
Did take a sudden, blissful turn.
We met because I'd chosen this.
Fulfilling more than just a wish.
You brought it back. You did. I swear.
The love that I could not compare.
I missed it so, and now had found
That you beheld what brought me 'round.
Eternity had once more crept
Stealing swiftly. So adept.
I clung to this, my only care.
This beauty needed more than air.
Such certainty, I've never known.
It seemed to you that though you'd grown
To such an age as to dwarf mine
That we should grow apart with time.
Aside from this, we both did know
That complications soon would show
Revealing us our selfishness
We didn't care to think of this.
Deception reared it's ugly head.
Affection leads one to the bed.
Regret, however, I do not
Sharing souls the world forgot.
Wound together, finally free.
At rest, in sweet complacency.
Love, my darling. Sweet. Serene.
Warm, unerring. Vivid dream.

I'm sorry that we fought to be
An item that could not agree
To love a world that can't exist
In hurting others we'd have missed.
Happiness does have a cost
Proving that one can't exhaust
Lives to which you'd ere be bound
In lieu of those you'd finally found.
Love has limits. True, but sad,
However little we might add.
But broken through, it brings a storm
Tempest thoughts can soon transform
The normal order of a mind.
To be of some unearthly kind.
Placed within a hail of hurt.
Become you buried in the dirt.
Receding back to here within.
Love forced itself to just give in.
If missing you gave little things,
I'd gather them and build some wings.
Construct a way in which to fly
Alight upon your ground and sigh.
Marry me, if just in thought.
Ideas, if nothing, can be sought.
I'll ne'er forget what we did share.
A beauty crisp as frosty air.
Please don't forget, and just hold on.
My heart is yours, not yet forgone.
Memories hold what futures seek.
Though your departure makes me weak.
I'll never be without you, dear.
I love you. More than you dare hear.
Derek Miller Apr 2023
Storm herald, you are; cold wind so urgent.
The frigid gust that tenses skin and straightens hair.

You woke me.
You broke me.

Broke like the first hard rain on dry, cracked soil.
Lazy petrichor, pervasive and benevolent.

You’re in me.
You’re on me.

On me like the heavy heat of a sticky summer night.
The damp air perspiring in the absence of the sun.

You quelled me.
You held me.

Held me like a moment ere the fall.
Beyond the edge where only canyon walls await.

You caught me.
You’re not me.

Not me when I break like so many promises-
On the tongues of those who meant well.

You heal me.
You see me.

See me like the dappled sun through leaves-
That strain to keep their grip upon the branches.

You fought me.
You taught me.

Taught me like the goal was absolution-
Where the judges held the glass.

You feel me.
You hear me.

Hear me like the pleas of fated ghosts-
Intent on salvaging eternity.

You own me.
You’ve shown me.

Shown me radiance on windows-
Warmth that melts the morning frost, unbidden.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
This voice, it's remained silent. I can't decipher what to say.
But these last words shall hopefully give way to my decay.
Vicious people tend to **** the life straight out of hope.
Too certain that their views ascend and belie ways to cope.
I don't need wasted theories on why man should look above.
My strength did lie within me and thus for me did I had love.
Respect, I gave, yet received none as all did pause to gloat.
Superior we stand, now listen closely. This I quote.
This grand old text shall guide you to a life that's quite serene.
Just give devotion. Prove your faith. Ignore my spiteful spleen.
Our abject admiration, firmly built upon our fear
Teaches us to cling to words to which we must adhere.
But this I ask, this final time; Think deeply. Muster thought.
Would God's perception waver based upon what I have sought?
Would such a being love me more if I had chosen fear
To justify my thoughts in choosing from which paths to veer?
For I feel that I'd stand in brighter lights had I did choose
To display moral structures never fit to be misused.
Good for the sake of goodness. Nothing here provoked by doubt.
I choose to lead a good life free of hate I'll live without.
You judge the others, telling them they'll burn for what they see.
Now blood still spills upon the streets for differing beliefs.
And if this being feels that I should follow words you preach,
I'll say shove off. Disperse thyself, you wicked, awful leech.
In this moment, I now warn that you should stop insisting
That I seek warmth from something that I feel is non-existing.
For I am grounded firmly in what I can see and feel.
True happiness, I've felt before. Its memory, I've sealed.
I felt its glow without the interference of a ghost.
Proof enough to burdened hearts who needn't be engrossed
In ideas that have caused hatred to seep into many minds
That otherwise might have sought ways to open our eyes' blinds.
The world is but a cold and ruthless savage rock of hate.
Stop judging others. Walk a path that you see fit as straight.
I tire of the deluge of calamities, defeats.
I'm weary of the loss of love that I'm doomed to repeat.
My muscles seize a final time as shaking, I do fall.
My choices have now rendered me a fixed, defeated sprawl.
I cannot move. I'm stuck in this horrendous thing called life.
I ache to feel the end of grief, afflictions, doles and strife.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
True, best laid plans shall go awry.
Now, sadly, this I've found.
Cheap lies that make the bold heart cry
Make same hearts seek new ground.

Exceptions, though, exist there do
That challenge such a rule.
Cheap metronome my chest holds to
Is proof, the stubborn mule.

The space between my ears cries stop!
We shall not bear such weight.
This ruined mass won't be your prop,
We shan't stay in this state.

To eyes it cries, affix elsewhere.
Out of mind if out of sight.
Then this reply: Yes, we do care,
But can't see through this night.

The fiend that feeds the warmth to all
Has clouded all we know.
Now we have ceased thanks to this gall.
There's nothing left to show.

Alas, it spirals yet more deep
As systems halt and cease.
This wretched force persists to seep,
Its grip I can't release.

My shell and all but blackened core
Evade this awful dread.
The visceral cries I hear no more
As screams are all I'm fed.

The limbs upon the trunk can't live
Unless the ground is lush.
For if the roots can no more give,
The tree falls to the brush.

This heart, my fallen sylvan soul
Is now the fuel for others.
Uncaring lives that dig the hole
Now feed on fallen brothers.

It's company that sadness seeks.
This, others push away.
Unknowingly, their apathy speaks.
Exacerbate: decay.

So though all but what I protect
Still plead for refuge soon,
Its hold upon me won't forget
The love I still exhume.

As time tries to inter this need
That most seem wont to shun,
I still embrace full life's first seed
For that's how I begun.

Forget me not, the love does cry.
My heart replies, I shan't.
Though all within plead still to fly,
Dismiss this hurt, I can't.

So long as though I have control,
We shall still bear this hurt.
For giving up on love so whole
Would cause life to revert.

So though the pain from her deceit
Relents not, to this day,
Forever hold her here complete,
I shall, she's here to stay.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
You broke the flower, killed the bud.
You drowned my house among the flood.
You stole the glimpse I held inside,
When all at once I'd known you'd lied.

Much like a fool, I hold these dreams
That your return will stem these screams.
So tarry not, for I still seek
To stop these pangs that make me weak.

Though part of me can surely see
That this heartbreak means naught to thee,
Exist does not the force to quell
My wish to soon escape this hell.

The war that wages in my soul
Has wrought the deepest of all holes.
A crater's size would pale when seen
Adjacent to this wreck of being.

You've done more than efface my trust.
My strength of love could quell all lust.
Why, in your leaving did you force
My tender care to veil remorse?

It's true I hate what you've become.
You've turned lush forests into slums.
Yet still I can't placate and soothe
My unchecked will to still love you.

It's true, I always will, my dear.
However far away, I fear.
What scares me most about the cure?
I won't get better. This is sure.

I'll never satiate this thirst.
I wish you knew how bad this hurts.
I need your touch to which I'll wake.
Those better days, I cannot shake.

I'm done pretending, hate to lie.
I'm through with watching time go by.
Please do return to who you were.
No longer will I stand this blur.

That's all my life is at the present.
Please clarity, soak this lament.
I'm never getting over you,
And I don't want to. Sad, but true.

I want my life, return it now.
Why can't you hold onto the vow?
You promised you would never leave,
But here I am, and still I grieve.

This pain could ******* everything.
Of hardship, truly, I am king.
I'm sick of this, I'm through with hurt.
No longer shall blood soak my shirt.

My heart it pumps the poison lasting.
No longer shall I go on asking.
End this now, or i shall cease.
I can't endure your ruthless lease.

Release my heart from this ****** cage.
For now this pain turns into rage.
I wish for you to feel this pain
That time has not begun to wane.

If only briefly, you could feel
This unchecked hurt that pierces steel,
You'd know your fault, admit your flaws.
You'd cry. You'd suffer. You're the cause.

I always knew this wouldn't end.
If only love and hate could mend
Their savage ways, for both persist
To stake their claims and coexist

Within my body, no escape.
I see no roads beyond the gate.
I'm trapped inside my love for you.
Ironic, yes? Alas, it's true.

My dearest love, t'were this not so,
You'd feel the force of my heart's glow.
Forever wrapped within warm ardor.
'Tis sad that this is so much harder.

I loved you then. I love you now,
But pain is all I can allow.
My tears can't mask what's happened here.
I hate this, always, but I love you dear.
Derek Miller Feb 2011
Rampant, bold uncertainty; at times it grows unchecked.
A fearful twinge too often spreads, surpassing all holds kept.
The bars affixed to life you've grasped, once linear and true
Now seem to veer so far from straight, away from all you knew.
What's to do when what you dreamed distorts and changes shape?
Nightmares born from vivid roads bisecting checkpoint's gate.
Stages sought now can't be reached, but detours linger there.
Sadly pointing, often though toward distant, lone despair.
Reluctantly, an awkward press results from giving in.
Ignorance, or lack of choice compels minds to begin.
Unwanted course, embarked upon, bears pressing weight, deforming.
Contorting souls which once had known the warmth of 'morrow's morning.
Expected glare from dawn's first light was ne'er a surprise.
Hated trials through distant lands create some darkened skies.
Reactions learned are useless then, accustomed as you are.
Anticipated outcomes are like flies within a jar.
Choked free of air, they surely die, but more then take their place.
It's these replacements, newly born, one tries to hold with grace.
Seeping through the cracks in hands that have no strength to hold.
Should you have used that jar at all? Why has this life grown cold?
Perhaps a high regard was due to that you took for granted.
Or maybe something just turned up, and shook the feet you'd planted.
Regardless, here you stand unsure, so lonesome is this fight.
Who's to know? What's now to come? Just tell me. Is this right?
Derek Miller May 2023
A ***** roadside hotel should suffice.
Mom and Dad are arguing again,
And I am too little to know why.
I watch The Addams Family.
That night, I am scared that Thing
Will catch me sleeping on the floor.

There are no childhood photos
Or memories of a bedroom.
Only disconnected images
That jump from buying jars of honey
From the basement of an unknown Aunt
In the middle of the night
To steering the car from the passenger seat
With a paper plate.
I don't even know who was driving.
The mission halls were kinder.
I can remember running through the sadness
For a peanut butter and jelly.

We had family reunions
With strangers who let me play baseball,
And I ducked the tag
The way I've been ducking you.
The gravel mixed with blood;
I was reckless and young.
The arm I'd flung to catch me
Had dragged through the dirt.

At 5 years old, you brought me to a home
Where an older boy tried to tell me
Let's play Mommies and Daddies.
His Mommy must have known,
And when she flung back the sheet
His eyes widened,
Expanding like the ****
He had wanted me to ****.
I found you watching wrestling.
When I climbed in your lap
I wondered if she would tell you.
I don't think you ever held me again.

You dropped some quarters in my hand
To keep me quiet.
Hour 4 in the smoky haze
Of the VFW where you did not belong.
I won a cup from the crane machine.
Too late, you say to wash it first,
And there is dirt in my water.

Mom blows smoke rings
In the car outside your work.
I think she is spying.
The oval shapes bring calm-
An order I requested
On a night that made no sense.

There were no friends to call
When at 3 a.m. I pushed a car,
Wrapped in my blankie.
Friends would have been asleep,
Power rangers beside their beds
With the heat on.
But it was so cold, and we had run out of gas.
What had you run out of? Patience?
I can remember waking in the car;
You pressed a drink to my lips.
It tasted better than anything I'd had before.
I woke in the morning
In a house where I was hated,
And the kids had drank my nectar.
The cup said Tom's on the side.

You left me there.
I think her name was Michelle.
She told me I couldn't play
Until I'd learned to tie my shoe.
I sat and watched my sister on the park
With kids I didn't even know.
Laces on the ground, and I was ashamed.
Later, she'd tell me she didn't have the key
When her son put a pair of play handcuffs on me.
I spent the entire day waiting.
Her husband, it seemed, could get them off.
At 4p.m. I found the button
That released me.
She had known the whole time.

At 6, I saw you for the last time.
I watched, crying, from the window
As Pop told you to clear out.
When you drove off, was part of you relieved?
I think you must have been.
You didn't fight for us.
Dad got custody, but he didn't want us.

Dad raised us in bars.
I sang Hootie and the Blowfish
With a man named Cricket.
Watched a million pool cues
Bang against the Rusty Wallace decor
That was too close to the table.
My picture might still be on the wall
Of that place called Ernie's.
I know it like others knew their rooms-
The ones I didn't have
Or those that didn't welcome me.

When Mom left, you found a sucker.
Sheriff lady.
What a stupid ******* name.
I thought she was nice
Because she didn't get mad
When I couldn't finish my salad.
It lasted a week
Before she hit me.

It's funny.
I found the court documents
Where you wrote that Mom abused us-
Written like you'd cared.
But I can still hear the screams
Of my sister as they held her down
At 8 years old.
She couldn't even sit down the next day.
You were out drinking, of course.

The guidance counselor interrupted my lunch once
Said Derek, how are you doing?
You had driven your motorcycle through a parade
While we were at home being broken.
I said I was fine,
Because happiness and sadness
Started to look like the same **** thing to me.

You made me hope for a way out
When at 17 I fell in love.
I left that house for a warmer one,
Where I had begun lighting fires on my own.
You never taught me
How to be kind.
I was looking out for me at her expense.
I traded love for loyalty,
Brought her down to my level,
'til she felt too weak to leave me.

But with distance came perspective
And she left, too.
Which was good, I thought
When two years later
I learned I was the problem.

I'm in my thirties now.
Something is wrong.
I've had love and life and laughter,
But you still won't show up for me.
Sometimes I see you
Dancing in the eyes of my little girl-
Light that doesn't belong to me.

I think I am broken
In ways that cannot be mended-
In ways that cannot be loved for a lifetime.
I am built for friends to love, from a distance.
I am not made for you,
Nor you for I.
I am not meant to be happy.
I am just meant to die.

— The End —