but why are you
reading old conversations?
what do you expect
to unearth
from past joys
and tragedies?
do you wish to
resurrect forgotten feelings
to check if your
cardiac muscle
still remembers?
what is this obsession
to reminisce?
this constant pursuit
for validation?

when you searched
for keywords such
as "love you"
in your messages
and the results appeared,
did it appease the
emptiness in your heart
and the ache in your bones?

i don't even know
where to start
maybe we can
start from my heart
i've used that
line before
in another page
from another time
when i still dreamt
of going away
leaving seemed such
a good idea
if it is then why
do i regret waking
up in the morning
knowing that i'm
miles away from
the things that hurt?
running away felt
more like running
backwards—
running back to
what i'm running
away from
leaving seemed
such a good idea
until it wasn't
until i wanted to
go back home
again
so isn't it ironic?
to want to leave
but regret leaving?

What if I fell in love
With a broken down *******
Not because I needed to fix him
But simply because I wanted to revel in his beauty
The maddening craziness
Of a life
A life that didn't need to be maintained with perfection
A life where you could just knock down pillars that you didn't need
Destroy friendships that weren't beneficial
A life where one could disown one's own mother
Without the whole neighbourhood offering their tut-tuts
And their 5 cents too many
About how to trim your garden
What if I fell in love with a life
Who let their weeds grow
And created a garden out of thorns
A **** patch that would make those neighbours shriek
What if I fell in love with chaos and disorder
Not to right the tables
Nor to order the shelves
What if I didn't attempt to prune the garden
But I let it grow into a forest
And then laughed when I stepped on a thorn
What if I let the sun shine through the madness
What if I opened my arms to the destruction
What if you sung me a lullaby out of tune
And I asked you to sing it anyways…