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derailed-trains Feb 2016
"How can I keep my promises to you when I can't even keep my promises to myself?"
derailed-trains Jan 2019
I had hopes of getting better. Things we're going right, you know? Sure, there were stumbles, but it was okay. Days don't always end with contented sunsets. Soldier on, I say. Bad things don't last forever. We got past this before, and we will do so again. I still forget to eat. Sometimes. But, hey I've been sleeping longer. That's an improvement, right? I plan on maintaining my new sleeping pattern. I'm still apprehensive of the future. But aren't we all? At least now I'm more convinced that I can do this. But, what if I lose this renewed resolve along the way? It always happens. Anyway, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. I'm trying to change things around, at least that's what I tell myself, yet I've been burning more cigarettes lately. That new sleeping pattern I told you about? I broke it today.
derailed-trains Feb 2016
days are swinging past
and I wish I could finally
say to you the words
hiding under my pillows,
behind doors, and
scattered on the floors
I am walking on
I wish I could say to you
that my knees aren't
the only parts of
my body that
are hurting
that sometimes when
I sit in class I sometimes
stop and stare
and my throat starts to
constrict while my
tear ducts plan
their mutiny
I wish I could tell you
that I still remember
the sound of breaking
glass and I still
imagine the moment
of the glass kissing
the ground and, yes,
I still remember
how the shards
sparkled as I sweeped
the floors
I wish I could find a
better way of saying
these words to you
just like how perfectly
arranged the bones in
my body are
I wish I could say to
you that I fantasize
about telling you these
words that are
years overdue
and, no, I am not
okay, and, no,
you're wrong when
you said that I don't
care because I do
I just don't know
how to show it
and I also know
that maybe I'm
not making sense
because the real words
have morphed
themselves into
metaphors for having
been suppressed
for so long
and maybe I'm not
making any sense at all
of this mess
is that I want
to say that I'm
sorry I wasn't
stronger for
you and me
derailed-trains Mar 2017
i don't even know
where to start
maybe we can
start from my heart
i've used that
line before
in another page
from another time
when i still dreamt
of going away
leaving seemed such
a good idea
if it is then why
do i regret waking
up in the morning
knowing that i'm
miles away from
the things that hurt?
running away felt
more like running
running back to
what i'm running
away from
leaving seemed
such a good idea
until it wasn't
until i wanted to
go back home
so isn't it ironic?
to want to leave
but regret leaving?
derailed-trains Jul 2016
found myself falling asleep after 3 am
then you came and woke me up shortly at 5:41
i've never liked harsh good mornings
i can almost hear you say "stop oversleeping"
but how do i tell you "i barely slept"
how do i tell you "there are demons that keep me up at night"
and "they all had your face"
how do i tell you those

one time i dreamed of you walking on the beach
holding hands with someone else
i couldn't breathe when i woke up
the sound of me drowning in the sea of our tragedies
kept playing like a broken record
at the back of my head

i can't remember the last time i had to sleep at night
without having to worry about the next day
maybe it was before that evening-- you came home drunk
i read a text from your phone that said
"Take care. I love you." from a number that isn't mine

lately i've been staying up too long
long enough to let the lights from
my consciousness die out
just so i won't notice the demons that wear your face
play hide-and-seek beneath my lids
every time i close my eyes
derailed-trains Oct 2018
it's early morning again
i've lost count of how
many times
i've been stranded
at this point of the day
stop being angry at me
i swear i always try
to sleep
just not on the hour
you were expecting
i swear i always try
to sleep
but it's like flunking
a ******* test
all the time
i try, i swear
like when i tried
to forgive you
but i barely brush
the marker that says
they say that the
road to forgiveness
ends in forgetting
because "you haven't
really forgiven if you
haven't forgotten"

but i never reach it
and maybe that's why
i struggle to fall asleep
because i always
derailed-trains Oct 2018
A train comes at you,
but in slow motion.
The anticipation
kills you first.
derailed-trains Feb 2016
I can't sleep
because all I can think
of is you
and I know, if you ever
read this, you'll think
it's cheesy
but it's true
and I know I said
I'll stop, I'll move on,
I'll try to forget you
but here I am again
making up scenes
of you and me
and is it wrong?
Is it wrong to feel this way?
I can't sleep
there's a throbbing pain
inside my brain
and my heart and
somewhere in my body
And I can't sleep
because I keep thinking
of sad words from
sad endings of
people that aren't
meant to be
And maybe we're going
to end up
And it's funny because
I already know the ending
before the story
even started
24 Feb 16
derailed-trains Jan 2016
it's sad
to have
so many

to have
our fires
die out
like rocks
away at
by water

to have
like flowers
derailed-trains Nov 2018
hey. the morning skies looked like they held the secret ingredient for a perfect day. should have taken that as a bad sign. harmless mornings don't always translate into lenient nights. i think i'll never get over this hurdle that keeps appearing on my chest. i'm always anticipating that the ship we're on is bound to crash and sink even when the seas are calm. i'm tired of looking for handkerchiefs in the places we cried in, or in waiting for an embrace after falling off a cliff. i knew that it would hurt, but you were supposed to make the impact a little less painful. i think i'll always long for that reassurance that never came. you made me familiarize abandonment. who wouldn't? when you always sailed away every time i needed an anchor. this was supposed to be another apology letter, you know. even if you should be the one doing the apologizing. well, here goes my apology. but only because this turned out to be a confession. and... **** it, i admit, i, too, have failed to do right by you.
this thing in my chest keeps on feeling, i don't want it anymore.
derailed-trains Feb 2016
You throw words
Like darts to the heart
Pull my feelings
Like they're puppet strings
Like breaking a precious
Piece of art
Like throwing away
Promise rings

I wished to the stars
Staring down,
"How about a ride?"
They replied,
"You'll be here, dear,
And we'll be waiting
When you arrive."
derailed-trains Mar 2019
Do you remember the exact moment when
You finally stopped counting
The cigarettes you lit
The times you uttered ****
The pages you torn
The calls you missed
The opportunities you gave up
The promises you broke
The moments you said goodbye
The bridges you burned
The words you never said
Do you remember when the
Record kept going higher,
Faster than you could count,
You lost track of the last number?
Was this the tenth time I let you down?
Is this the fifth day in a row of the both of us not talking?
I mean, why does it even matter?
The world has turned more times
than we could tally,
The sun sets every day,
Numbers, they go on forever
And so could we

is2g there's a point i'm trying to get across here somewhere
derailed-trains Nov 2020
but how could love be lost
when it's the only good thing
i've ever known?

hollow halls and empty rooms
echo memories of years past
and lost like the love
i once knew
like the love
i once believed
to be true,

back when the sunrise still
bounced off the walls
with the promise of joy
and childlike wonder
and laughter

when i still held on
to the belief that love
could last as long as
time would last,
as long as i believed

that love is enduring,
no matter what, but
the question,
if youth is temporary,
then can love also be?

if ceilings can lose their
ingtegrity due to water
dripping through the roof
and floorboards can crack
from pressure,

the same way that time
batters down houses and
innocence, nothing
stays as it is,
love too is defenseless
against the wear and the tear

love, too, withers away,
and it has
and it's lost
even if it's the only
good thing i've
ever known
derailed-trains Sep 2018
every drag
from a cigarette
brings to mind
that line from
a song that said
"blow the smoke
through the hole
in my chest"

and each time,
every exhale
is a reminder
that, *******,
this wound in
my heart
never closed
derailed-trains Oct 2018
it's like we never left mt. calvary
2018 is 2015 again
only my escapist mechanisms
no longer work
i get lost in this endless cycle
of troughs and crests
this constant pursuit for a home
is like a sickness that never gets better
these pathogens that have found
refuge in my heart have grown
ultra-resistant to the medicine
they no longer want to leave
why do i still wake up?
i've been asking for deliverance
for years but
i guess heaven is not a
wish-granting factory
and God is not a genie
do you miss our catching-up
the ones where you ask me
if i can still get up
in the morning and
i ask you if you still
cry yourself to sleep at night
oh, right, those never happened,
because you never had
the strength to care
and i never had
the guts to ask
for time
and maybe that's why
whenever i try to write
it always ends up as
an apology letter
(that you won't ever get to read)
derailed-trains Jan 2016
Nadiri na l'at ako magbalik
bisan diin pa,
pero, 'di ba,
waray na man kita iba na karadtuan?
derailed-trains Jun 2016
Both directions make me want to run to their opposite sides,
So where the hell am I supposed to go?
derailed-trains Mar 2019
the pitter-patter of children's feet
resemble the pounding in my chest
only... it's more painful
like the children are suddenly
competing who could stomp
their feet the hardest
i can't control how
my heart beats...
how it skips...
or how it falters
i only know that it hurts
in the most random of times
like... it wants to escape my chest
like... it no longer wants to stay there
out of the blue
out of nowhere
as if it's really out
to take me by surprise
(like a myocardial infarction)
to knock the breath out
of my lungs
to **** the strength out of
of my knees
huh // 01-22-19
derailed-trains Oct 2018
i lament the humidity
of the air and the harsh
midday sun
i can feel my sweat
sticking on my skin
even if i just finished
another bath
what do the remaining
hours of this day hold?
nothing seems to make
me anticipate new mornings
i fall asleep easier now
maybe because i'm
always tired
is this day 10 or 100
or 1000
of being confined
in an endless cycle of
troughs and crests
i can no longer remember
the last time i was able
to sustain a sense of
i think it was when we were
leaving the port of Cebu
i had my very first cigarette
we were saying goodbye to
the fading city lights
the cold water crashing on
the sides of the ship is
enticing me to
jump off
15 Oct 2018
derailed-trains Aug 2016
You probably don't know this,
but my eyes feel funny at
every phone call
and, usually, the tears
fall every time
the call ends.
derailed-trains Oct 2018
but why are you
reading old conversations?
what do you expect
to unearth
from past joys
and tragedies?
do you wish to
resurrect forgotten feelings
to check if your
cardiac muscle
still remembers?
what is this obsession
to reminisce?
this constant pursuit
for validation?

when you searched
for keywords such
as "love you"
in your messages
and the results appeared,
did it appease the
emptiness in your heart
and the ache in your bones?
derailed-trains Apr 2019
i always thought
i'd never run out
of chances
to start again,
to make things right
with you,
using you-
the epitome of
always so forgiving
even in days that
i don't deserve it
i can't quite describe
your omnipresence,
your existence
that transcends us all
mortal beings
your faultless consistency
is also our downfall
you bear witness to
our daily suffering
and ephemeral joys,
our youth and
eventual demise,
the only constant
then, now, and forever
derailed-trains Feb 2016
I used to write in rhymes,
But, I don't know, I just stopped.

We used to be happy,
Or, at least, I thought we were,
But, I don't know, we just stopped.

Maybe you got tired of pretending,
But I'm still here hoping
That things would go back.
derailed-trains Nov 2018
the amnesia lane to my heart is littered with derailed trains and debris from car collisions/ the stop signs now read tried and tired/ i'm struggling to go on every time i am reminded that things have gone awry/ but i really tried, you know?/ because i had high hopes in the beginning that we could make this work/ i went to the cemetery to mourn for all the time i wasted/ and all the chances i forgone where i could've treated myself better/ these self-loathing sessions keep coming in waves like how downpours go on for days/ sometimes it holds me hostage indoors/ but some days i dance in the rain
so how's failing at life going?
derailed-trains Nov 2018
winds moving like a woman scorned, hell-bent on exacting tribulation on anything that blocks her way
like no one would be left unscathed after
like her pitiful path would look like our old home now
like a run for your life else you get knocked down on your feet and get carried away kind
and yet, you stay rooted in anticipation
wondering how something so invisible could be
so harsh
     and unrelenting
         and merciless
maybe this stillness in the face of danger is your fight or flight response
only you got stuck in the point where you freeze on the spot
and there, in utter helplessness,
you hold your breath and
brace yourself for the impact

as the collision nears you remember that this has happened before, in other forms, in previous times, and you always come out breathing (barely, but alive still) and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to survive yet again
derailed-trains Jan 2016
I hope you fall into the ocean,

or fall to me instead.
derailed-trains Feb 2016
I wish I could remember
More of the happy,
The bright, and
The cheery

But what's left in my mind
Are the sad,
The heartbreaking,
And the dreary

Memories of us
That are soaked in
daylight and midnight
Are fighting for the space
In the surface I am
Trying to erase
derailed-trains Feb 2019
dinadama kung saan nagmumula
ang aray, ang kirot,
ang sakit
baka maaring malunasan,
kung alam natin ang puno -
ang dahilan
kung bakit may aray -
may kumikirot,
may nasasaktan
derailed-trains Jul 2019
stagnation tastes bitter
with a spoonful of disappointment
and a cup of regret
but what right do i have to
complain about something
i consciously bring
upon myself
to taste unapologetically
every night
i am reminded
of how aimless
and pointless
i have been
coursing through the
days wasting time
fooling myself into
i had moved an
inch forward towards
something worthy
to wake up to
but even waking up
takes so long
when every night is
like a clingy lover
that i tolerate into
not letting me go
until too much darkness
is enough
and it's time to part
and then it's time
to wake up
again and again
to a new set of stagnating days

when will i break through this mess of a year, of a life
derailed-trains May 2019
but what is
the point of
our countless
to start over
end with
"I don't mind the pain, it's the hope that kills me." (A Long Way Down, 2014)
derailed-trains Mar 2019
tired of begging for mercy,
for a little less harshness,
for a little less coldness,
how long do i have to grovel on the ground
for these chains to let me go?
pota ang arte sino na naman umaway sa'yo
derailed-trains Feb 2016
The wind blew as I
gazed up at the stars shining
bright against the dark.
My feeble attempt at writing a haiku.
derailed-trains Feb 2017
hard beds and
loud music
make up for another
sleepless night
in a tsunami
of sleepless nights
i always regret
this in the
but come
i get ready
to sleep in my
hard bed and
listen to loud
music again
derailed-trains Jan 2019
the pictures begin to switch one by one
as if to tell a story of vibrant hope
the clicks on the kaleidoscope slightly increase in tempo
the backgrounds merge
the hues start to fade

Who knew that along the way we'd stop seeing life in color?

derailed-trains Nov 2018
looked for strength in times of weakness
found collapsed pillars instead
derailed-trains Oct 2018
the disappointing truth
is that i've never really been graceful
under pressure
under fast-paced circumstances
under crushing heartbreak

that behind the sometimes
unwavering exterior,
almost all the time there is
a battlefield inside of me,
an aftermath of a calamity,
a weeping child

amidst the stillness of the trees,
my tears threaten to spill like
tidal waves over the brim
of my eyelids,
my heart contracts to the point of pain,
my memories run off to the center stage
of my consciousness

that in the instances i appear contained,
unperturbed, in the face of disquiet
they have been preceded by unannounced
visits to comfort rooms
to attempt to make peace or to wrestle
with my vengeful lover --
my backstabbing friend --
my anxiety
derailed-trains Oct 2018
i'm still waiting for that
emotional breakdown
in public
while getting lost in the
murmurs of a sea of people
where is my deliverance?
i've looked for it inside
cold rooms, dusty crossroads,
and in your company
but this chasm
inside my chest can't
seem to stop from
swallowing any ounce
of happiness that decides
to blossom in my heart
show me public displays
of consideration
i'm so tired of being put
on hold every time you
have to look after someone
too tired of being left alone
in the spot, like i'm
suspended in mid-air and
there's no warning for
when gravity decides
to work again
i stood on the sidewalk,
looked at how the city
was so alive and how i also
wished i felt the same
i got lost in a crowd
of strangers and i fell
in love with the city
because etched in its
memory is our collective
melancholy --
our everyday struggle
to live,
to belong,
to get lost,
to breathe

26 Sept 2018

— The End —