Nobody understands the pain in my heart

when I can still feel your eyes fixated on mine,

when I can still feel my hand caressing your cheeks,

when I can still feel your shadow falling onto me when you used to stand next to me,

when I can still hear your voice calling my name as I fall asleep,

when I can still feel your hand reaching out for mine,

when I can still feel your soul intertwined with mine,

when I can still imagine you in all of the places we didn’t know we had limited time at once,

when I can still feel your pain although you caused both of ours..

Here we are at the finish line,
about to find out who will hold up their promises
and whose actions will outshine their words,

Here we are,
about to find out who loved more with their heart
and who put forth logic first,

Here we are,
about to find out the consequences of every step, breath, and look we ever exchanged,

Here we are,
about to find out the time that God had written for us together,

Here we are,
somewhere we both talked about and dwelled on times and times over,
somewhere we once feared to be,
but perhaps somewhere we walked towards all along.

I healed the unrepairable parts of me to be able to give you love that is authentic, unconditional, guileless.

but why was your love for me always trauma informed; distant, pessimistic, and vengeful?

The warmth of your breath against my neck,
your beard as it caresses my cheek,
your eyes as they meet my lips,
your fingers twirling a strand of my hair,
the letters of my name tip toeing off your tongue,
they demand my heart to burst in love with you.

Is it that hard to be loyal?

You say, "I love you" to me,
when you are happy..

but you say that I don't deserve you,
when you are mad.

You say that I am beautiful,
when you are happy.

but you say that you could do so much better than me,
when you are sad.

You say "I miss you" to me,
when you are happy.

but you say "leave me alone I couldn't care less about you",
when you are mad.

You say that it's hard to find someone like me in this day and age,
when you are happy,

but you also say...
that I make your life harder,
that I always seem to **** up,
that you should leave me,
that you don't find happiness in me,
that what is standing between our relationship and goodbye is a single mistake from me,
that a single moment can change everything,


so what is it you love, miss, and find beautiful about me?
so what is it you deserve more than my best that I gave you?
so what is that I can improve to make you find happiness in me if all of it is subjective and arbitrary to you?

so why do you say "I love you"
when you are happy

but never,  "they can never make me leave you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "I miss you"
when you are happy,

but never, "I need you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "you are mine"
when you are happy,

but never make feel like you are here to stay?

..

We are out here
trying to make it out of
whatever we think
we need to try to make it out of,

will we ever reach
where we think
we need to reach,
if we are never
where we need to be?