put your hand inside my dark
she relates to me and i relate to him and he relates to her
boom
- connections -

she said **** 14 and a half times--
i didn't let her get through the last--
honey, i'm not modest
but you sure know how to get me flustered.

could you help me understand?
red kiss lips linger
hands down stars shine
raw grab blush sweaty

could you deconstruct me
into your preconceived categories
do i fit
am i small enough
will you make me?

~~

i give him a hard time
i give him a *******
i am not easy to take
you do not get to swallow me quick like a pill
i am a razor blade pointed oddity
grab you by your neck and make you listen
throw passive aggressive intimacies in your face
need 2 hours of cuddling after being ******* for 2 minutes

i don't trust but i've been trusting

- paper thin skin -

I am so cautious
and reckless at the same time.

I give little
pieces of myself to strangers
every day
swift glances
quick pauses
in which the other
person becomes
quickly informed of my
inadequacies.

I stutter. I have
so many words running
fast to the front of
my mind that
i can never quite
think of which
i want to vocalize
first.

i bite my lip to
stop the jumble
from overflowing.

i am afraid that i'm
a tower.
so tall and mighty
with power
until one brick
crumbles
and i become nothing
but debris.

so put together
yet falling apart
i am ever so tumultuous
with my aquarius
and emotional
with cancer
forever organizing the two
with my capricorn.
i am within my signs
and my signs are within me.

so i dive as far as i can go in my ocean
and i sit on this bed
and think of all the things i
left unsaid
and feel those words
pounding their way in my head
trying to burst through the dam.

there is a fist in my head
punching out my tears
and it is ruthless--
i am being abused from
the inside out.
i've lost count of the bruises
on the insides of my skin.
i can't quite make out the scars
from within.

but i've got russian skin
and it hides everything so
well
i am quite difficult to read
i've been told
and i find it impossible
to express these bruises
and scars

- i feel stuck -
unable to express
and unable to be understood.
in a glass box
pushing at the walls
begging the surrounding
strangers to understand
pleading with myself to
learn the skills of communication
quick before the crowd
disappears.

i am a patchwork of
nerves and anxiety.
i've got beauty sewn through
my veins
and a wall
sewn thickly around my heart.

nostalgic rants? oh, how original.
- i miss baths. my playground.
- not having a single trace of nicotine in my body.
- being tucked in at night.
- You. fuckerrreinogtgjnfjk
i miss you. drinking and galavanting through the city.
following you blindly from bus to bus in a ***-induced happiness.
trust. i miss being close enough to feel your heart beat.
why are you so far away?
i need you.
you feel so close on the phone.
**** distance. take a **** flight from seattle.
i need you here.
where are my cuddles??
dancing. i had such a purpose with each sway of my hips.
remember? my hips could move mountains.
make your mouth drop.

"god, you are so cute."
pavement kisses.

Stinging *** and bright eyes,
Innocent yet absolutely not.
Hair bows and bruised thighs,
The thrill of being caught.

Lips bitten and achy jaw,
Naughty and nice perfectly formed.
Tracing ice until it thaws,
Dripping wax so I can burn.

I can't resist--
Just one last kiss.
Whisper slowly,
That I'll be missed.

Your hand stings and you throb,
And you pulse, and want more while I sob.

Pain is my plea
And you are all too giving.
Hands still stinging,
Ears ringing.

I lie at your feet
Nuzzling kisses-- I'm content.
You caught your prey
That malicious smile
Seeing I'm spent.

You call me ****
And I want to be nothing but.

here we are
together in one endless room surrounded with lights
candles burning hot
blue and yellow the
pickled platter you brought
a sour attitude and a warm
heart.

I like being in charge sometimes.

I want to be choked and spanked and ******* and ****** hard.

I want to wear a strap-on in bed.

I want to be used.

I think about spanking you until your *** turns red.

I want to be slapped and called a ****.

But I melt when you call me babygirl.

I swoon because you’re a gentleman.

I smile when you’re cute and girly.

I want to cuddle and watch Disney movies.

I like having hot wax poured on my body.

I like to play with the candles on the table at fancy restaurants.

I like ice too.

I like to watch your pupils dilate when I look at you a certain way.

I like when you look at me in that certain way that makes me lose my breath and giggle.

It calms me down when you call me owlet when I’m stressed.

You give me warm and fuzzies when you call me your best friend.

Maybe I like you.

So maybe this isn’t so complicated.

*Maybe it’s really simple.

Suns and sunset, dusk and dawn,
All i do is pray for more.
I am sitting home alone,
and all i do is pray.

Stars and ceiling block my view,
they don't see like I used to
Sorry people seem to say
All i do is pray.

Lonely trees and cold skies,
linger in my memory
all i see is life going by,
and all i do is pray.

All i do is pray
all i do is pray…
l can see you staring at me,
who cares, i'm off to pray.

Deserts cold and ice is warm
opposites make perfect homes,
linger in the sadness and moans,
and all i do is pray.

It was a desperate kiss.
I could feel you pulling away-
going inside yourself
and I was trying desperately to pull you back to me.
I was kissing your neck,
trying to bring back your pulse.
I was kissing down your *******,
trying to make it quicken.
All I knew was that I wanted you.
I needed you.
Here.
Now.

i want to be a princess with every
bone in my body
SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
i want to be sparkly
so people will love
looking at me
YELL UNTIL YOUR LUNGS GIVE OUT
i want to have grace
so no one will
underestimate my power
KEEP SCREAMING DON'T YOU STOP
i want to be feared
for the power i possess
and worshipped
for the love i give
GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT BABY
i keep yelling and screaming
to get out of this
shell
there are so many facades
i put up
which one have you seen, my dear?
the *** goddess
the naive little fool
the stupid ****** that slices herself up at night when everyone else is asleep
which one have you been introduced to, darling?
because i'd hate to get my personas confused
they're starting to confuse me
and infuse me
starting to seep into everything i am
and all that i am not
because really
KEEP YELLING KEEP IT UP
i am nothing
but a little girl
who wishes she
was still in the
3rd grade
so she could
play house
and have
everything
figured out.

pull off my clothes until there is
nothing left
of me.

you are still pulp in my mouth
you are still dripping down my chin
a pit hard and breaking
hot like july

Need to keep reminding myself of my worth. Have to stay strong. Keep a smile on my face. I can do this. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. Just one breath after another. Slow that heartbeat down. Keep that pulse regular.
Breathe.
It won’t get worse from here. Only better. Keep breathing. Think of happy things. New haircut! New tattoo! Sunshine. Warmth. Soft sand. The summer. Cool breeze. Pale skin contrasting everyone else’s tans. Happiness. Love. Balance.
Breathe.
It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Just keep writing. Calm down. Things magnify in my head. Deep breath. Hold it. Let it go. Let it all go. I’m okay. I’ll be okay. Everything’s okay. It’s all in my head.
*Breathe. Breathe and everything will be alright.

And isn't it funny being alone?
I can never tell if it makes me more depressed or less.
I am the least social butterfly.
Who am I kidding.
I have not yet grown wings.
I am just a caterpillar making my way among the brightly colored orangeredyellow leaves.

I hate and love everything.
And everything I love with a fiery passion, I invariably hate with the same fire for making me feel this much.
******* all.

Every person and thing I have loved:
you have all controlled me.
And that thought in itself is terrifying.
Is it-- was it-- supposed to be that scary?
Am I doing all this wrong? Anyone care to take the wheel for a bit?

I am not an adult.
I will become one once I stop writing love poems.

I am the last bird to fly south for the winter.
I am the last insect to hear the sprinkler system go off. So here I am.

Drowning because I was dreaming.

And I will drown in every last tear I shed.
In every sip of red wine.
Every drop of blood I spill.
And every shower I take to sob quietly and in peace.
I will drown in the plethora of emotions I feel.
I will drown in love and in hate.

Lie me down on cold brick to prove to me how stable I can feel.
Float me along a river with your hands pushing up my back to show me there will always be something keeping me breathing.

remind me remind me remind me remind me remind me remind me remind m e for I will convince myself that I've forgotten.

and when you were three years old. how did he ask you. where did you go. how many times did you go there. hearts above my head. wants to know me i want to know you. glad he put me on his car radio. is that all you think of. smeared across the windshield. starry eyed. constellations forming at the tip of your tongue. double cap my stars.

start speaking to me in astrology.

— my sweet baby. cowardly little girl —
little mouthed lovenotes

mysteries hidden beneath layers of red puffy cheeks huffy breath little smirk swollen eyes. holds me in his arms like a fragile plant. waters me with stories from his past. dreams of the future.

kiss the walls of my house. reach the rooted truths.

My heart beats so quickly when you say my name.
Perhaps its because I am still in awe that your lips are uttering it.
It sounds better rolling off your tongue than it does mine.
Deana
You care for each syllable as if it were your own child--
slowly nudging each one forward to help it grow and blossom
Deana
Hard consonant melts into warm caramel from your hot breath,
The vowels making an 'ah' shape like the ones you make in my bed.
So softly, you whisper in my ear and build my heart up to the sky--
I'm floating in my own name; floating in your smooth voice.
Deana
Pronouncing it with such care that I am at once startled and soothed.
Deana
Never stop saying my name.
Deana
Deana
*Deana

It has not hit me yet. My heart, the clock, beats constant, unchanging.
Tick tick tick tick.
Just a shot, just a pinch opening up my insides to the world.
Letting my most sacred belongings be seen by this earth.
One little pinch and then the blood gets ****** out.
****** out of me as if a bloodthirsty animal has a straw.

The clock is breaking, its ticking inconsistent. No more tick ticks.
The little hands of the clock are scampering around trying to find their original rhythm. Is is proving impossible.
Run hands, run! Find that rhythm you so strive for!

Nope, it is gone, now the clock is unhinging. The hands are falling off, the numbers spinning out of control.
Nope, this clock is too far gone to be fixed.
Nope, this heart beats too fast, no magic tricks.
Nope, she can not be saved, let's find a new clock to fix.

How am I supposed to breathe when you're not here?
Oxygen has not been kind to me.
When the leaves fall and soon enough they'll make a crisp beneath my soles
And the brisk wind will come whistling past my ears pinking my cheeks
Will you still be there in my dreams?
Will you still be my escape?

And then when the snow starts to fall and those leaves begin to fade from sight
When the ochre sweaters turn into fur coats
And the people no longer carry umbrellas but coffee mugs
Will I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat
Grasping at the greedy oxygen
Reaching for you
Angry with the futility of my predicament?

Or will the fresh leaves of spring bring relief?

For once I am not afraid.
Of failing
not being good enough
because I am.
I am good (enough)

I push (you) back
and pin you down
and bruise your neck and *******.
I am not afraid
because you don't
judge me

I am comfortable.
You pay attention.

It's your smell that I can never escape.

I run far from you into the depths of my mind--
the dusty corners even I can't always find.
Dusting off covers of disorders and drugs,
Past depression and sullen shrugs.

Not too hard to forget that nose,
those eyes,
those lips,
those toes.
How simple it was to get away.
Those ears,
that tongue,
those hips,
those clothes.
Were gone like yesterday.

But...

It's your smell that I can never escape.

my brain is a slow clap
thunder easy bold slaps
for when you feel nothing
for when you feel it all

say please this begging

sexts to self:

-stroke me-
the ******* of your words
the day you realized this felt good
the different things that could make you feel it
the night you realized this could fix food
you said you would rather feel that pain in bed
the courage to slouch on your chair and not be worried of what was there

and when i say i love my thighs the most he looks at the scars.
does he know i love them because they’ve got the most?

I woke up at 3 am
in a cold sweat
feeling the lack of you everywhere.
the hands of your shadow grasping my heart.
pumping it into the oblivion of the night.

a plethora of sleepless nights*

soft hand on my belly i hear this whisper

the thawing of thoughts the panic of rebellion

it is. 34 degrees outside but i can feel everything from frostbite to softflames. warm inside my belly soft hand on it. making circles with a sweaty palm.

i leave my window open and imagine retreat. the capacity of running to whichever corner of this town i wish. springs in steps filled with stormy ferocity. where my heart will no longer be so acquainted with my stomach.

//////STORM// i am free. fiercely loved. i am the wind knocking on your windows. shattering your dreams. dancing in your eyes. phantom touches up your spine.

i wished to be nothing but tender. my heart soft glitter mud in hands squeezing through cracks Pulling Pleading  Pushing up the stream to stay put stay put stay.     put.      

left intact the swirls spat into the wall with plastic tacks. a sickened love.

never far from my mind
heavy red wine sits thick
.embedded.
you are
a quiet rolling thunder
deep
tire don’t tire
suggestive he has become. suggestions. passing fancies.
become. what we became.
sitting softly. curled in my hair.

the only thing you taught me is the only thing you know

****** sappy ****
holding ***** to hands that we hate the most
mouths that curse
wilder than blueberries
smushed smashed in ready fingertips
soaking up the damage -show me where it hurts-
slap black juice marks across risen skin

you just like ******* my ****

drooly desire jumps like hunger
feed me
tongue ready sticking out sticking

there’s just something about smeared lipstick. the lust of it. the desire. the carnal attraction of the red my red you bite i bleed. a cycle. lions. carnal mouthwatering beasts. smeared red across my lips across my cheeks into my hair. messy primal smear drag. drag. the drag of it the drag of gender dragged across soft parts. ruining their innocence. marking up significance on soft peachy skin clawed. cruelty is so carefully tangled in with this putrid sense of morality. mortality. carefully putting on something that will be smeared off later. ripped off soon. taking the extra fifteen minutes to meticulously apply the liner. doll up a cupid’s bow. exaggeration. dragging lipstick across chapped lips being pulled towards completion. all sweetly organized to be ravaged.

look at me look find relive the stories you wrote on my body.
remember those?
all i know how to do is compare and relive. repeat repeat.
but yet again i find myself in some corner of your toes. at your feet.
neutrality is poison they say. but my body produces enough for herds. nonchalance.
cursed and wasted potential of energies. caught up in the messy web that is him.
HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM R E..pE?***.IO N…
i want to always know you. i want this moment to li n g er__—*
i want him to linger.
cravings to know the this and that of me. the who and what.
and alas, i have found the road i am taking. filled with webs of glitter and gems.
and dirt. and my dear, i am quite messy. quite bruised and swollen from these adventures. these not-so-merry instances. battered into sludge.
this morning i trudged out of bed, stumbled into the bathroom, succumbed to the floor and met the carpet with a heady thud.
floundered apart at the seams. sewn and stitched and ******.
senselessly. he took ice. he suggested it ! he slipped it into his mouth.
drilled onto my belly. cold icy muddled puddle. wet on my skin.
looked me straight in the eye. pushed the tiny cube inside me. watched me tremble.
****** me like he hadn’t in weeks. selfish with his seduction.

when i think of him. i think of the pools he creates.

I find it hard to believe
that you found beauty in me
when I didn't even see it
in myself.

we held hands
in your car
and walking down the street
you kissed me in front of the train
while the people watched and (my sweet ******* darling)
we
didn’t
care

lust lost
lust found. in the corner of your pocket. the shadowy corner hidden in the crook of it.
right in the crook of it.
laser beams traveling across these vast lands and burning little paths
little paths in the deadly mountains.
who has disappeared here?
who was never remembered in these parts?

lost your luster
you've lost it, honey. it doesn't become you anymore.
those black coarse fabrics ain't gonna hide your shame anymore.
******* you misogynist pig. you want some of this/?
you want some of this prime *****?
bet you never had any the same as this.
i'd sooner be clawed apart by those wolves in
those dark woods
than give you a taste.
run along, little lamby.

some days i just can't sit still
heavy chest
the thoughts are amplified
can you
hear
them, sugar/./

sound check.k.kkkk

seems good enough.
so let's start this ******* show.
oh, the actress drank herself into a stupor? too bad. the show
must
go
on.

I.
switching my hands with yours in the dark wetness of night
the burn is worth it
let me tell you
cold hard marble
a solid hand to hold
until the crumble ****
you are not one to trust

II.
my grandmother told me it's good to get your heart broken/////to open it up
to bring out your truth
you need to be broken to find yourself raw
are you the grenade for my undoing and
redoing?
a tool that’s it
undo redo undo redo i know this

III.
where is my bed

IV.
last night i got dolled up
i went out
i stayed out late
i wanted to be a bad girl you know
i saw you coming out of smoke
your knuckles like marble like ones i knew
i wanted to kneel down and kiss them and beg
for you to punch me in the face
but instead i took you home
pressed your body against my body to make sure mine was still there

happiness -

i find it impossible to write about.

i can write you novels of tear-stained,
skin pulled apart,
slapped, wretched,
numbness-filled prose
complete with vivid descriptions of my madness and my sad.

but describing happiness?
that's like trying to describe your favorite song.
or the feeling you get when you just wake up and the pressures of the world haven't reached you yet.
maybe that's what happiness is.
that moment.
or maybe it's the moment you told me you loved me.
or maybe it was two days later when i finally realized it.

maybe it's listening to Jack White on full volume on the warmest day of winter on the front porch smoking a cigarette and yelling out every word I know.
and every word i don't.

gun trigger
make my flame flicker
quicker baby quicker
i can feel the pressure
pleasure
**** **** oh
make your **** slicker
with my wet
let's make a bet
that we won't stop
until both of us are nothing but sweat
and happiness.

there. i've found it.

what is love? what are its flavors?
have I tasted any of them?

Is it a 32 scoop sundae or a single scoop of vanilla?
I do not want plain flavors. vanilla bores me.
Does that mean I don't want love? not if it only has two ingredients.

but I don't want 32 scoops either.
I do not want to get bloated from love.
Uncomfortably full.
I want a rare, bittersweet, rich, dark chocolate love.
An expensive luxury. But something money can't buy.

I want decadence, romance, lust, but most of all-- I think I want love.
I am done trying to control my cravings.
I want the things that scare me the most.
******* adrenaline ******.
******* *******.

I want your art. I want your heart.

Bubble and pop
sweet baby darling
blow
*******, *****
and bring up all the sweet candy corn you can find.

shush and shake sweet honey babe
shush me and taste the shore with the tip of your tongue
can you taste the salt, sugar?
do you feel the rush, daddy?

chew me up like a piece of pink chunky bubble gum
and store me behind your ear.
draw me some cotton candy to munch on
and paint yourself a rocking chair to sit and watch.

*******, babe.
pin me up against the wall and down underneath you
let me be your pinup girl
pull my stockings up
and sit me down on your lap

give me smacks for bad behavior
and leave candy colored crimson smeared across my chin.

oh, sweet baby darling, don't you crave to swallow me whole?

hot thicket bugs crawling water wells of my eyes
yellow shining Yellow heat rising from soft sweaty skin
i wanted to be a piece of candy on your tongue
sweet spit gathering at the corners of lips
drooling in anticipation at honeyed hips soft sugary treats
i wanted to be the cigarette in your mouth
sinewy stick stuck on the outer fragment of your mind//lips
slowly inviting itself into darker deeper districts of your anatomy
liquor is quicker than licorice

solitude like a laundromat
i tremble my heart
knocking around
dry like a washing machine
you say slow

mighty in the ocean
creating tides i asked you to
calm for me
let me swim in you

you swell around me
spit i joke lapping
at my feet i wade in
run out
like a natural disaster at your wake

you love me ***** like a hurricane

Tactile
tattoo touch
feel my ink (touch me)
dig in deep (hurt me)
chills (make me moan)
luxuriously lifted

Shh stay quiet
don't let anyone
in.

Cat scratches
claw marks and
old souls
you and I

plagued and incessant
goodbyes
just as we said our hellos.

Shall we leave it at that or prolong this passion
because I'm a selfish *****
but a lovely babe

licking up your spine
and misplacing the remnants of time
tugging at the hair on your head
trying to find my way to the depths of your mind.

you. sweet moonbeam,
tender in my roses.
shaping yourself like a cat to my supple.
your soft coloring yourself with my petals.
we are—
i’ve been meaning to tell you but the map sent me in the wrong direction i was left wandering i have never been good at finding my own fate.
how’ve you—
useless i already know.

lover,
lay me out on your apothecary table.
take each of my organs you know which ones are important.
bottle them up and gently nudge at me daily
soak in the essence of who i have been.
oral treatments.
15 droplets per day. take as needed.

i need you.
lover, i need you. long lost i was created from you and i will lay rested in your arms. take me as needed. i have taken you as needed. in i go traveling from your esophagus straight to your heart. dancing around the beating ***** i have found places over years to grow. i sewed so many seeds some have flourished some have not. in i go.

if love is a ship i have been shipwrecked i have long drowned. if you are the captain i will be your moon far off and guiding. pulling you towards me teasing you away. lover, i need you. take me as needed. i love you groggy lost dark swollen soft and hard. tinctures of my eyeballs in your heart.

last week she reclaimed vietnamese food.
this is a process and every now and then
she checks in with me.

haven’t talked to him in a while.
saw him on the treadmill yesterday--
i was happy he was not.

i miss him.
(says she misses him)

says she finally reclaimed her own bed.
says he is no longer the smell in her pillows the first thought in her head.
further from her mind each morning
new lovers have ways of stalling mourning
or maybe he has already been put away.

continuation finds new ways of forming.

I've never believed anyone when they've told me I'm beautiful.
Not once.
But when you said it
I absorbed the compliment
Instead of throwing it away.
I let it sink in
And make me feel good for once.
You had a way...
A way of getting under my skin in the very best way.

sees the light i see him
hymnal youth and choir boys
daily dalliances with unknown creatures and masses
deviations from the mainstream. lights a fire in me.

liberation- he is.
a passing *******
BOOM BOOM BOOM ———— PULSE

moments captured in a tenderlustful touch
creeping with and into my ****.