the last time seen
and the repercussions of actions untold
shirts reworn for the scent they hold
when you held me
both arms dangling at my sides
completely trusting distanced from it
the last time seen
and the last time touched
he saw me with bows in my hair
sea foam eyes and languid lies
indulgent

tell me again that i get everything i want.

if i don't feel something anything
really ******* soon
i am going
to *******
*******
explode.

quick. light it. breathe. exhale.
feels better. just
keep breathing in
the medicines.
just keep
numbing
your mind.

forget about the past
and forget
about the future
just think about the task at hand.

stashed away in the bottom drawer is the
stash
take it out. open the door. pack. light.
b r e a t h e
~~~~~~ ~
e x h a l e

there. now you can escape.

Holds me. ******* shakes me. Stop stop no more. Come back. It’s okay. You are okay. You are with me. Holds me to his chest.
Do you hear that? My heart. My love. Do you hear it’s steady beating? You, my sweet, will be fine. His words. Echoing. Swimming through every stream I am. My blood.
My love, my blood is filled with your name. And in my tears, you are. Languid and wet. Streaming down.
You are everywhere, my love.

1.
but i do remember the way you taste i do remember your chest closing in on mine squeezing each breath from my lungs.  i liked the way your skin tasted and there is no way to exclude that from my memory even if the rest of you is a smoke hidden blue and burning in my heart. i rolled you up in apples and honey roasted peanut butter three years ago and no matter how i spin it it still tastes bitter.

2.
you’ve undressed in front of her before but this time is different. her eyes linger and you aren’t sure if she is admiring your ****** piercings or the stretch marks on your thighs but you stay there immobile letting her devour you in the explosion of the moment. you let the feeling spread in your chest down through each mark.

3.
how many shooting stars have i missed watching you ***

if I take a bath it is because I need the sweat of you washed off my skin.
if this bath is concentrated with Epsom salts it is because they will physically pull you out of my system
- a detoxification of the memories of the way your head felt between my thighs/your hands creating fingerprint bruises on either side of them.
if I see you and run away it is because you draw out my blood and devastate my heart. there is no poetic way of saying this.
if I can not look you in the eye it is because being so close physically pains me. nostalgia beating down my chest and I have no choice but to selfishly grip onto any available flesh. I always regret it.
if I can not meet with you it is because you are the longest pain my body has suffered and for once my brain is working harder than my heart.

i meld with you like waves and salt
together thrashing onto briny cold beaches
wind whipping against our reddening cheeks sweetened minds
i long to taste the sweat on your neck
i wear you on my skin
honey eyes honey ash honey slow in my bones i move slow i will move slower

i am not so sure as i seem i am not so sure slow----- s l o w d o w n

i like the taste of insect repellent on your skin.
i like the physical proof of your bitter, your sour, your sad.
sweat beads tremble at the tips of the hairs on your legs
i want to feel you like dew drops
and i am a flower.
gently with you at the break of dawn i wake with little droplets falling down my lips.

i want you, something sticky-
running down down my body
abundant and warm.
how i’ve loved breathing you in.

zoned out
distant in the curve of a cloud
an outlying perspective
detached and hanging in a moment of flat affect
an idea blooms and bubbles in my mouth

you haven’t asked me enough questions
you haven’t asked me enough questions how will you know .

I sit here on my bed covered in
flowers
thinking how I'd so much rather be
sleeping
on
yours.

In your flower fields.
In your fragrant mind.
In the pastures of your eyelashes.
In the valleys of the darker circles under
your eyes
your eyes -
that you get when you're tired.

Sleep with me.

the rumbling of your vagabond heart gives me hope.
your fingerprints a seasoned dew striped with the pink and buggy dawn.
before the sun rises
before the world is lit with warmth and fear
here in this wet foggy moment
you emerge from leaves
soft and sticky
nourishing
offering yourself up to me//a feast in all its glory

i am the moon they call me moon i am the moon a fallen star will burn through me and i will shine through the night lighting your path until dawn i am the moon always lit always lit always on

lay out my bones for the ready

to be slowly devoured

piece

by

piece

foaming at the mouth, saliva

dripping

onto maroon carpets


how do i keep from being forgotten

a final memorial to the tired heart.
the weary, out-of-breath soul.
a final memorial to the love that is real but needs to be put to rest.
resting underneath floral sheets is the sweetness of you.
the image that is left, at least.
nestled under the cold blanket of winter impending is the grandeur of our erasure.
and every time i get ready to incinerate the loving bones of what we were, you remind me of timelines and ties and i regret letting go.
when i am ready to tuck you away on a shelf in my closet, you blow the dust off empty promises and i pick you up again.
the toy that is played with another day.
and for once, you are not the toy in the situation, but instead, the greedy grasp of a spoiled child with too many choices for play.
and too often, i find i am the last to be picked.

you comfort me in my morning coffee
i feel you in this cold sip,
i take you in,
breathe in your aroma. your fragrant beans ground up just right for my consumption.
ground for my consumption.

i pretend we are unhealthy. i am selfish.
i pretend you were put on this planet just for me. just for me,
i breathe you in.
you are ground up just for me.
i feel you in ice crunched between my teeth.

i inhale sweetly. softly,
you are burning in the embers of what is slowly killing me.
but we are gentler than that.
you move slowly.
ask each passageway to my lungs for permission to take over.
you are a swift, smooth battle.
i am a blood-soaked battlefield.

when you go off to war i feel you humbly.
when you come back,
i welcome you to my long lost territories.
you gratefully plunge into them dropping deadly swords at our feet.
your tired eyes searching tenderly for mine.

it is only i who chronicles these hardships when the war has been long over.
carrying with me the scars, i can not help but rummage through memories of cold, icy storms.
you carried into this vessel your rubble. your cracks, your hollow, your own wars and hurricanes.
and i took on these disasters as if they were my own. birthed from my very limbs.
we are un-’s and we are re-’s. we exist within uncertainties and miscommunications.
we have and we are and we will.

graveyard poetry
likes him to be above her all the time
stripping away the decorative
place a pin on the nightstand
hungry ghosts with night thoughts
musings upon mortality while pushing cobwebs from the feeling
i was
a moonlit,
star-kissed
child of the night
and have been catapulted into the deep ocean

do you still like me- he asks.
soft tones and brittle bones. torn.
eyes roll. my eyes. away or repeating.
bits and pieces. bits and pieces of my heart have been scattered here.
feel them thudding down the hall.
under your sheets.
pressed up against your ears.

a creation of fantasies all splayed out on his floor.
***** me this way and that.
yeah? yeah? take it. take my ****.
directions from- unsweetened 2%

do you still like me.
a calming disposition. arms stretched like an alley cat. ready to run at the first sign of danger.
eager enough to go deeper, but still scarred from previous battles.

with all that i have left- smoothes away scars. until tears start pouring down hot cheeks.

sweet rose in epoxy
ice cold frozen in a minute a moment
in time you will fall
a bitter resentment poisoning your tongue

i am here to get hurt
go at it make it real

needed you you didn’t
hush quiet keep to yourself
reveal little parts and stay hidden
it’s already been written
it’s already been said

tiresome. catch up and stuff.
the dilly dallying before the meaty bits. the juice bits you think about when i’m gone.

figure out on your own. which way is up and which down.
which call to take and which to pretend i’m taking a nap for.
did you watch this? i cried. indulgent.

when there is no best to put on.
when all i am is curled up, shriveled, incoherent ‘i need you’s but indignant ‘*******’s—
empty eyes and droopy cheeks—

who wants to be there when it is harder than **** **** grab.
heart homes and mountain tops.

make plans with your cigarette instead.

life
in his arms
is different.
./


now

head swinging off your star covered
               bed
we are swimming

*I miss the way you taste

you are still pulp in my mouth
you are still dripping down my chin
a pit hard and breaking
hot like july

I want opinion. I want to fight.
I want. I want. I want.
To matter.
Silence is a piercing shriek. A deafening blow.
I don’t know how to handle it.

Chicken
is
a
fun
game.
*don't stop

how many of his actions are calculated blows to my chest
how aware is he of his ability to destroy

how aware is he of his own destruction

What's your name?*

What a stupid question to ask.

sitting on your lap
curling up small.

i attempt to dive into your chest
swim into your heart and make a
corner there for myself
to hide and keep warm.

i feel i feel i fell
a stern believing
in you in you in you
for me to be

Something something something
i just have to battle
will you will you will you
fall off

I find it hard to believe
that you found beauty in me
when I didn't even see it
in myself.

look at me look find relive the stories you wrote on my body.
remember those?
all i know how to do is compare and relive. repeat repeat.
but yet again i find myself in some corner of your toes. at your feet.
neutrality is poison they say. but my body produces enough for herds. nonchalance.
cursed and wasted potential of energies. caught up in the messy web that is him.
HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM R E..pE?***.IO N…
i want to always know you. i want this moment to li n g er__—*
i want him to linger.
cravings to know the this and that of me. the who and what.
and alas, i have found the road i am taking. filled with webs of glitter and gems.
and dirt. and my dear, i am quite messy. quite bruised and swollen from these adventures. these not-so-merry instances. battered into sludge.
this morning i trudged out of bed, stumbled into the bathroom, succumbed to the floor and met the carpet with a heady thud.
floundered apart at the seams. sewn and stitched and ******.
senselessly. he took ice. he suggested it ! he slipped it into his mouth.
drilled onto my belly. cold icy muddled puddle. wet on my skin.
looked me straight in the eye. pushed the tiny cube inside me. watched me tremble.
****** me like he hadn’t in weeks. selfish with his seduction.

when i think of him. i think of the pools he creates.

Take care of them.
Keep them safe from harm.
From me. Not easy. Handful.
You’re a lot.
I know.

Kiss and think of when we kissed. Kiss and feel full. Feel sated. Do not ask for more. Do not ask for seconds. Let a kiss be just that: a sweet offering tasted in the night.
Hold my shakes and think of when you held my shakes.

******* angers me. Over confidant. I know. I know. Everything. All about me my lips eyes mouth where they belong where he places them.

****** and chucker. Check.
Stubborn little girl with apparently more power than she thought. Tired of dragging a runaway bag on her shoulders.

Settle down, my dear. And we will figure this out in time.

this is not the time for this but
what can i do
i am sometimes powerless and
usually
not—

we play games—
scenes of debauchery—
you place upwards
and we crash against each other like waves
rumbling quick and messy
with spurts of pain and pleasure in the spaces we meet.

a word is sharp like metal
concepts are dulled and i can easily
but not without scars
run away from this.

i’ll explain away your stars
your scars
why we fought
why we stopped fighting
trace my finger to your date and attempt to give voice to unspoken expectations—
bartering my trust for your love.

give me the width of your shoulders
your hips
your knees
your feet
so that i can figure out a way to place myself with you without falling through the cracks.

if you find yourself lonely in your bed, this is me letting you know that my bed is yours too.
2. if you miss the sound of my voice, the feel of my hair, the warmth of my skin, please, oh please, come to my door, give me a call, send me a letter, proclaim your love and proclaim it again!
3. if he wanders (and he will wander), let him. trust that he will come back.
4. if (as always) you become overwhelmed by the intensity of your love for him, let him know. he will laugh and pretend to know and brush it off— understand that he listens to every word and needs to hear each exaltation of adoration. even if he doesn’t seem to care. trust that he does.
5.  if he wakes up and needs to run to be alone, let him go— he’ll come back. trust that he will come back.
6. if he doesn’t contact you for a while after he has upset you, don’t get upset— he just gets scared when he’s hurting you and doesn’t know how to fix it. be patient with him— he’s told you to be.
7. be patient, be patient, be patient. be patient.

Ты слышишь что я говорю?
как громко мне придется кричать?
ты спрашиваешь что я хочу, и я не отвечаю.
потому что я знаю, в глубине души, что Ты знаешь уже.

----
translation:

Do you hear what I am saying?
How loudly do I have to shout?
You ask me what I want, and I do not answer.
Because I know, deep down, you know already.

who are you who am i
adults. we’d like to believe.
young children simple soft a little scarred a little morbid a little worn down

every time she calls me she cries

sweet, tender, lover boy: do not be upset over the mountains other people must climb. you have found your valley.

we held hands
in your car
and walking down the street
you kissed me in front of the train
while the people watched and (my sweet ******* darling)
we
didn’t
care