addictive hurricanes:

blow through my being

pull out every feeling in every crevice of my heart

don’t let me get away with it.

my protective iciness/i started off so strong.
glass being pushed and pulled by the salty ocean-- you lap me up and i let you. you ruin me. until i am nothing but grains in your palms. falling into and out of all your grips.

it is a dangerous thing to be anything at all around you.

Lets analyze
When did the symptoms start?

When did it start
Inflammation of the heart
Swelling of the lungs
Dryness of the throat
Sweating of the palms
Shortness
of
breath

How did the caring
commence?

Gradually
The way the waves slowly
Dull shards of glass into
Sand?
Or all of a sudden
The way that wave can drown
A man?

When did the symptoms begin?

For once I am not afraid.
Of failing
not being good enough
because I am.
I am good (enough)

I push (you) back
and pin you down
and bruise your neck and *******.
I am not afraid
because you don't
judge me

I am comfortable.
You pay attention.

you. sweet moonbeam,
tender in my roses.
shaping yourself like a cat to my supple.
your soft coloring yourself with my petals.
we are—
i’ve been meaning to tell you but the map sent me in the wrong direction i was left wandering i have never been good at finding my own fate.
how’ve you—
useless i already know.

lover,
lay me out on your apothecary table.
take each of my organs you know which ones are important.
bottle them up and gently nudge at me daily
soak in the essence of who i have been.
oral treatments.
15 droplets per day. take as needed.

i need you.
lover, i need you. long lost i was created from you and i will lay rested in your arms. take me as needed. i have taken you as needed. in i go traveling from your esophagus straight to your heart. dancing around the beating ***** i have found places over years to grow. i sewed so many seeds some have flourished some have not. in i go.

if love is a ship i have been shipwrecked i have long drowned. if you are the captain i will be your moon far off and guiding. pulling you towards me teasing you away. lover, i need you. take me as needed. i love you groggy lost dark swollen soft and hard. tinctures of my eyeballs in your heart.

I want to make you moan, make you scream, make your eyes roll back into your head,
I want to see you grasp for air, tense up, and clutch the bed.
I want to feel your heart beating against my chest,
And I want to be the only one.

I want to hear you swear, feel you sweat trickle down your stomach, see you twist.
I want to be the one to meet all your requests.
I want you to wake up in the middle of the night and crave my touch
And I want to be the only one.

I hear them talk, them judge, them pretending like they know us,
I see them point, them try and figure out what's between us,
But they'll never know the way we are, the way we ****, the way we love,
Because we are us, and we are the only ones.

I want to wake up with marks on my back from your nails, with bites on my neck from your teeth, and always with you lying beside me.
I want you to fall asleep in my arms, dream of me in your dreams, and feel my warmth on your skin.
And through all that, I want to be the only one.

If I don't make it back. If I fail along the way. If I faint. If I cry.
Then I will let myself fail and I will embrace it.
If I can not surpass my expectations. If I fall. If I break.
Then I will rejoice in the hard work I have put in. I will not let it break me.
I break. But I am not broken.
I fall. But I will not be left on the ground.

ode to an Ice Queen

yes you are powerful and they all know it.

now please put down your knife and shut your eyes

i promise it will all feel lighter in the morning.

i know who you are. i can see right through you.

I poured wax onto my thighs today-

I missed the ways you used to hurt me.

hit me like a bullet. never saw him coming. worshipped the ground you walked on. heavy deeper smears and color. painted walls paint me painted walk in see feel.
hit me like a ******* train.
bolder builder built me with your hands build me something to hold on the train home.

when can i see you again

i could smear luscious roses on his *****
drool a raw achey mess as he watches
(worship his sordid *****
licking my face so sweet
a frantic hell of goddesses
and)- He
Enormous Storm
revealing
spray me sucker !!!!/!

the glorification of the city
as if in its midst we can find some hidden truth through the smoggy abyss of lost humans
that we. you. lonely tired bags under your money maker eyes broken in this way and that. and i. crumpled arms insecure cryer
//let me keep this to myself.

you have to put me back now.
there are always better things to come. she taught me that.

honey i want to lick you clean. from stem to seed. roots and all. meaty juicy mess darling i want you in such sick. wicked ways. torturously sordid. crumbly needs.
babe. dreamer. lover. love freak. freaky love affair…
you just can’t make it ! don’t you try !
getting these silly ideas into the brain space you know you never had. chaotic.

blooming inside me are worlds unbeknownst to you. and when i asked you to ask me questions about my trip. my past. my worlds. you lied down and smoked a cigarette.
as if it were a chore. as if loving me was a chore. caring for my lovesick body.
if i knew how to make a tincture of your scents i promise you i’d never see you again.
woke up toiled and troubled in the sweaty scent of you. your *** still staining my lips. my cheeks. my chin. we had a feast.
and went to bed fevered. desiring. crawling in the sweetness of you.
cradled by the idea of you. our next meeting.

i am somewhat apprehensively coming to you with open hands and a heavy heart. you see, there have been all kinds of adventures hidden in the soles of my feet.
but mostly in the tips of my fingers. ***** under my fingernails. worn wanderers.
passed far far into crevices of non reality.

it starts with a love potion/a rose tincture.
she says slowly feel it trickle down your throat. melting your heart. [blocks][of][ice]
i am locked in this-
thank you for being my angel of the night.
a resounding hum echoes into your guitar. bounces its way back to us.
we discuss new ways of playing instruments.
we smear raspberries on our bruises to sweeten the pain. to soften its bitter blows.
you carve teeth marks into my shoulder as a distraction.
i cry **** into your pillow instead of crying.
(this dull grief)
you talk about your dead cat. i make sure not to mention how i feel like
dead w e i g h t.
mountain moons painting themselves into storylines across my forehead
you read **** instead of *******.

I’ve been wanting to cut it shorter for a while,

but was worried about how it would look.

I wouldn’t be able to hide behind the tresses anymore.

No more veil for my tears.

But how long could I live in my sheltered little world?

I’ve finally began peeking past my rose colored curtain,

so why not have a physical representation of that?

Just a couple snips and it’s gone. Just a few chops and it falls.

Deep breath. This feels good.

This is good.

Fresh start.

To a new beginning.

solitude like a laundromat
i tremble my heart
knocking around
dry like a washing machine
you say slow

mighty in the ocean
creating tides i asked you to
calm for me
let me swim in you

you swell around me
spit i joke lapping
at my feet i wade in
run out
like a natural disaster at your wake

you love me ***** like a hurricane

the last time seen
and the repercussions of actions untold
shirts reworn
for the scent they hold
when you held me
both arms dangling at my sides
completely trusting
distanced from it
the way he held me
the last time seen
last time touched

carvings in my bones slowly worn down from slow touches in particular spaces
i am not yet ready to revisit those abandoned artifacts

slowly slowly he touched

he saw me with bows in my hair
seafoam eyes and languid lies
indulgent
tell me again that i get everything i want

I know I'll be back, cause there's no other choice, I know I was a fool to let you go,
I was a fool to think that I could sleep a wink on this empty bed by myself.

kiss him like lipstick.
bright smears. disappearing inconveniences.
seen and seen again and then gone.
i should hang up now
i’m not ready
i’m not either
then don’t but i have to i have to there is no choice please don’t stop saying i love you i love you

in my sleep, i imagine your touch. and you are not who you are. and i am someone else altogether.

sees the light i see him
hymnal youth and choir boys
daily dalliances with unknown creatures and masses
deviations from the mainstream. lights a fire in me.

liberation- he is.
a passing *******
BOOM BOOM BOOM ———— PULSE

moments captured in a tenderlustful touch
creeping with and into my ****.

I wanted them too-
the nightmares

what are you punishing yourself for?

Everything.

there is a struggle to be in control.
contained.
to keep him happy.
to indulge myself.
the routine broke. it’s breaking.
consistency is a fleeting temptress with eyes reflecting your most controlling self. i will step out of this realm. transcendence of self and *******.
look within myself and past lovers fights tears kisses strife when you called me this and i you that.
pull out pick apart deconstruct.

- reconstruct-
what you wanted and what really happened.
where we were and who we have become.

you can not watch it through your window.
moody
you can not watch it patiently from your lonely tower.
dive into the mess. consume. burn.
burn it in.
this. this is all you’ve got.
burn in the mess consume and be consumed.

are you exposing yourself to true pain?
stayed faithful what is faithful.
stayed true what is truth.

do not look away.
eyes will get smeared. soft tears and daggered realities.
do not shield your eyes.
do not pretend you did not see it.
do not pretend it did not hurt.

i don’t want you to read my poetry and say ‘aw’.

hot thicket bugs crawling water wells of my eyes
yellow shining Yellow heat rising from soft sweaty skin
i wanted to be a piece of candy on your tongue
sweet spit gathering at the corners of lips
drooling in anticipation at honeyed hips soft sugary treats
i wanted to be the cigarette in your mouth
sinewy stick stuck on the outer fragment of your mind//lips
slowly inviting itself into darker deeper districts of your anatomy
liquor is quicker than licorice

I was born in December
with hair black as the night sky
and skin white as the moon
so my mother named me Deana.

the remedy -
i promised healing but there
is more salt than sorry
tank filled with
specs of mica
black ice
quicker like my mouth
hanging open
scooping up the danger on my tongue

i want to be in it.

xxxxxxx

i see you in curves of blue

in crooks in shadows in empty streets

you are  behind the refrigerator

you are hiding in my closet

you are creeping underneath my bed

is there a predetermined time for the both of us/ are we fawning over minutia/ are we flaming over small kindling/ i know this is ugly i am fully aware but ugly is a ****** up trope and i play into the best and worst of it/ ****** up ugly femme with a hold around your messy boxers//my messy heart

tight grasps ====
tight grasps ======
tight grasps ====

<> hold on to this belief <>

these are the two truths i know:

good things are about to happen very soon - i can feel it in my bones -

i will soon be very utterly alone - i can feel it in my bones -

if you look at these eyes i hope you see happy
because that is what i want you to see it is what i am when you look
when you look into my eyes
i hope you do not sense the despair and the fleeing i hope you feel my heart i hope you feel it deep in your soul and in your teeth

i hope i have taken up an adequate space in your brain
i can only imagine how many things are filling it as i write.

my dearest sweets,
you are a ******* **** and if we were in spain in the 18th century, i’d stab you through the heart with a knife carved with flowers and put a red rose on your rotting corpse.

sweet boy,
i want you in the wildest ways. your core. find out how you tick. what makes you tock, dear?
honey. lovely rough faggy doll,
i am all out of ideas here. holding on to sinewy threads and nerves.
i am all out of ideas and i will keep riding along this path until i find my way again.

i
love at the center
bursting and melting
like chocolate cordials
with irish cream filling
one bite bursting
not out but in
my mouth open and
ready
awaiting
sweetness and cream
sweeties
surrounding lovers
look on
with warm honey eyes
waiting and warm

gleaming off my tongue the tender
secret
i can’t complain
harder to digest hearts
baked into cupcakes a more
edible form
tears are made to parch us into
frenzies
yellow for that time i cried in the
heated grass alone for miles
a package came
if i take one more hit, i’ll call you
don’t worry

you kiss like a tragic miracle
you are the first.

i want to feel what you name this part
how wet
the same
and
yes i want to drool down your chest
biting big arms like bubblegum
my sweet body.

smeared cake,
sweet pacific.

a plethora of sleepless nights*

soft hand on my belly i hear this whisper

the thawing of thoughts the panic of rebellion

it is. 34 degrees outside but i can feel everything from frostbite to softflames. warm inside my belly soft hand on it. making circles with a sweaty palm.

i leave my window open and imagine retreat. the capacity of running to whichever corner of this town i wish. springs in steps filled with stormy ferocity. where my heart will no longer be so acquainted with my stomach.

//////STORM// i am free. fiercely loved. i am the wind knocking on your windows. shattering your dreams. dancing in your eyes. phantom touches up your spine.

i wished to be nothing but tender. my heart soft glitter mud in hands squeezing through cracks Pulling Pleading  Pushing up the stream to stay put stay put stay.     put.      

left intact the swirls spat into the wall with plastic tacks. a sickened love.

I.
switching my hands with yours in the dark wetness of night
the burn is worth it
let me tell you
cold hard marble
a solid hand to hold
until the crumble ****
you are not one to trust

II.
my grandmother told me it's good to get your heart broken/////to open it up
to bring out your truth
you need to be broken to find yourself raw
are you the grenade for my undoing and
redoing?
a tool that’s it
undo redo undo redo i know this

III.
where is my bed

IV.
last night i got dolled up
i went out
i stayed out late
i wanted to be a bad girl you know
i saw you coming out of smoke
your knuckles like marble like ones i knew
i wanted to kneel down and kiss them and beg
for you to punch me in the face
but instead i took you home
pressed your body against my body to make sure mine was still there

just a walk
trepidatious and slow like
molasses
mirin simmering in a pan until it evaporates
concentrate
on your arms
my fingers pushing in
designer label dizzy
a falling tenderness
blame it on the music
a word is born between lips like bubblegum
expanding at the sound
the familiar bitterness
an overwhelming
growing chew

it goes:::
i am waiting for you
at the window
i am waiting for you
at the hilt
i am waiting for you
at the threshold and my room is swimming.

globes of gold blur past my peripheral.
you are in this landscape
panning across my eyelids like projections.
i am the canvas. uninhabited.

we are stupid. children. gods of the innocent. lost the keys//owners of our fates.
broken heads emptied hearts poured into lovers who weren’t enough.
shame on us for wanting more than they could give.
shame on them for needing more than we could fathom— than they could express.

oh, dollop moon!
sweet soft tender
pulling you up and up
little fluff of a thing
pulling me down under—
a swift plunge.

I can sit here. solid and still. soft as volcanoes. magma erupting from within but still as a lion waiting for a moment to strike. the patient immobility. statuesque. I let each word wash over me like an escalating thunderstorm. tender and brutal. each syllable a little more treacherous than the last until there are none left to speak— only the welcoming relief of silence. natural disasters come to mind. the heavy softness of the situation. the doughy snow outside. soft soft. the whoosh of cars operating within their own timelines. back to their lovers. faster. away from their lovers.
goosebumps like tiny mountains. the hardest paths to climb. entrapped by hook eyes. heavy eyes. I dare not lean over in fear of the glue slowly seeping from my cheek landing on your thighs. my lovers playfully name me lap princess. lip nymph. an inexplicable well of thunder. the holiness of steady rumbles. never-ending needy storm clavicles unfurling themselves. unruly at these raw routines. my bones are sewn together with electric wire and your words— wet knives cutting and destroying me.