lust lost
lust found. in the corner of your pocket. the shadowy corner hidden in the crook of it.
right in the crook of it.
laser beams traveling across these vast lands and burning little paths
little paths in the deadly mountains.
who has disappeared here?
who was never remembered in these parts?

lost your luster
you've lost it, honey. it doesn't become you anymore.
those black coarse fabrics ain't gonna hide your shame anymore.
******* you misogynist pig. you want some of this/?
you want some of this prime *****?
bet you never had any the same as this.
i'd sooner be clawed apart by those wolves in
those dark woods
than give you a taste.
run along, little lamby.

some days i just can't sit still
heavy chest
the thoughts are amplified
can you
hear
them, sugar/./

sound check.k.kkkk

seems good enough.
so let's start this ******* show.
oh, the actress drank herself into a stupor? too bad. the show
must
go
on.

simple complex lover.
hard softy. tough sweetheart.

the space between never and again.

luxuriously placed bruises.
you’ve gotten a lot brattier since the last time
.honestly.

little chicken. chickadee. flown. flying. grabbed between the talons of an alternate state of consciousness.

taken. observed.

not a piece. not my own.

her little chicken. kuritza. maya charoshaya kuritza. koshka.

soft safety scratches. reminders of a care(free)less childhood.

if i am a river

then i want all my curves to reach you
lap at your sides
gentle awakening in the midst of mist

if i am a river

then he is a tree
strong and wielding
empty with the insects that have devoured—
tiny memento-filled mites digging little holes
within
his
demeanor.

i got stuck on the idea that forever with you meant
hearing your body calling
my person.

and i have never thought of arson
but i’ve got a mind to set you aflame.

i told my crystals your name.

here we are
together in one endless room surrounded with lights
candles burning hot
blue and yellow the
pickled platter you brought
a sour attitude and a warm
heart.

Why do i spend all my time thinking about you?
Making these stupid poems about you,
Dreaming pointless dreams about you.
Searching the stars for you,
When you are just on the ground, normal, unchanging.

You are unchanging, just like every vacant human being on this earth,
But somehow, your demeanor, your voice changes me.
Somehow. somehow, your skin, your light and your dark, changes me.
For better or worse, who knows, but in me, you give birth
To new ideas and a new meaning.
To new dilemmas in my dreaming.

Twist ending, never saw it coming,
You leave me, but you are stunning.
I can't take my eyes off your beauty,
The never-ending story.

So I sit in my room brooding,
Looking for answers; time consuming.
Homework: never done
My mind keeps a'wandering.
Forever lost in my pondering.

i am beginning to feel the spring in my fingers
i wake up and they do little dances in my hair
grab and pull me out of bed
***** on my silly little head
pull up my lips into a smile

i feel renewal in my teeth with each crunch chew taste of greens
someone told me about zucchinis and platonic queer lovers
and i could only think of your onion hair slowly peeled by my hands
and your tomato red cheeks blushing harder as i speak
to you in memories with frightened big eyes

and oh

would you be mine?

longing leaves my fingernails
as swiftly as it came
because he no longer
touches me.
turned off i am a light
turn on the dimmer
dim the lights
make me brighter
with the neglect
of your smile.

inspiration flows
through my irises and past my lashes
my heels have prepared
for a new stride

i feel alive

Low fat love
Sugar free passion
Tricks my brain
Into thinking we actually had something

loves me but it hurts
******* **** ****** sits on my couch//on my feet—
toes gently tucked under his jeaned thigh.s.—
tells me he loves me.

love is not a mistake but mistakes are made up of love.
tiny hearted patchworks attempting *******//
makes a home out of my arms.
tears falling down me him my his face.s.
stretches me open like bubble gum /little princess/brat/toy.
fantasies in our heads. little secrets. sweet taste from his lips.

opens up my mouth. stretches it wide. pushes his fingers through. as if the inside of my gums held the secrets he has been trying to reach in my head. pushes them far back. almost gag. mine mine be mine be mine mine mine be mine. i hear it. he keeps quiet but i hear it. silent pleas.

wild. sweet daddy darling. wild. i am wild. i belong to no one.
**** me/take me/own me for a little while. fulfill those needs. sate yourself and me.
i am no product to be placed on a shelf.

whispers it in my ear in between faces staring.
hearing it makes it more real. analysis. how many fingers was that? how did your tongue do that? can you do it again? can i try?

why.?. do you love me. why.?.

this will be better for you i will not call text contact you
no
why are you crying
no i don’t want this stay
you don’t love me just the idea
no
of me
no stay please i need you you make me happier than i have been in so long
this is *******
i know
this is *******
i know

She was a flower that had opened its petals too wide.
Had known sorrow and felt pain.
She grew heavy with the weight of the world.
Felt each soul as it was being slain.

Her once fresh, delicate scent was bitter now--
They put her in the back of the store.
Felt herself going down under.
She was the sea that some learned to love.

It was a test to show how much she could suffer,
and she got praise as she took the blows.
Love was the hand that pulled her up before she plundered,
and showed her there was more to be known.

After every phone call, I feel like writing poetry.
Tell me why that is, there is a problem here
"I love you so much!", you say slowly,
And everytime, I say "Goodbye" with a tear.

You make me feel so useless, so confused
You make me feel so love sick, and used.
I write these poems, I try to rhyme,
While you go out, party time.
I'd like to see us together!
But I know that'll never happen
I want to be your forever,
Guess not this time.

I miss the sound

Of the insecure raindrops

Nuzzling up against the

Comforting roof.

red lips. flushed cheeks.
you're getting all dolled up!
she looks at me. really looks at me. sees through the heat.
smiles knowing my insides don't match the pretty picture. looks at me.
like i am something fantastic. spun from fairytales.
sewn in glittery patches across ratty old jeans.
her gaze hits me. you don't need your hands to slap.

the silk is unraveling and revealing imperfections. she stays. she watches.
more heat comes from her gaze than my fires.
the air is thick. mouth drops open. eyebrows scrunch.
incoherent sounds release from my lips. she sits. observes the show.

she takes me in. all of me. even the parts idon'twanthertosee.
and writes. and listens. and examines.
she unravels my fantasies and spins her own story.

there’s just something about smeared lipstick. the lust of it. the desire. the carnal attraction of the red my red you bite i bleed. a cycle. lions. carnal mouthwatering beasts. smeared red across my lips across my cheeks into my hair. messy primal smear drag. drag. the drag of it the drag of gender dragged across soft parts. ruining their innocence. marking up significance on soft peachy skin clawed. cruelty is so carefully tangled in with this putrid sense of morality. mortality. carefully putting on something that will be smeared off later. ripped off soon. taking the extra fifteen minutes to meticulously apply the liner. doll up a cupid’s bow. exaggeration. dragging lipstick across chapped lips being pulled towards completion. all sweetly organized to be ravaged.

Water slipping through weak fingers
running past the digits
so fleeting
so quick
one minute,
everything,
all you've ever wanted--
gone.

Pitied for the loneliness,
yet humbled for being alone--
understanding the opposition
and embracing it's relevance.

Defeated yet thrilled
miserable yet marveling at the misery
indulgent in the depression
milking the sorrow
enjoying the open wounds
slowly learning to accept defeat.

i want to be a princess with every
bone in my body
SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
i want to be sparkly
so people will love
looking at me
YELL UNTIL YOUR LUNGS GIVE OUT
i want to have grace
so no one will
underestimate my power
KEEP SCREAMING DON'T YOU STOP
i want to be feared
for the power i possess
and worshipped
for the love i give
GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT BABY
i keep yelling and screaming
to get out of this
shell
there are so many facades
i put up
which one have you seen, my dear?
the *** goddess
the naive little fool
the stupid ****** that slices herself up at night when everyone else is asleep
which one have you been introduced to, darling?
because i'd hate to get my personas confused
they're starting to confuse me
and infuse me
starting to seep into everything i am
and all that i am not
because really
KEEP YELLING KEEP IT UP
i am nothing
but a little girl
who wishes she
was still in the
3rd grade
so she could
play house
and have
everything
figured out.

pull off my clothes until there is
nothing left
of me.

undress and show me what smile lies inside
heart hurt me fly lighter
fly lower to the ground

baby, take me anywhere. i’m ready for whatever.

pretty planned out shhh i’ve got it all taken care of
but i want to keep driving
keep going
take me further

did we already take this road?

heavy heads and grabby hands lead to adventures far from maps charted.
let’s chart our own paths. categorize the nostalgia in new towns.

upside down mess
what can you ask from me
i am just pale skin and weak bones
sinewy tissues covering soft muscle
treat me like a child
protect this castle
no princess protects herself
guard!
help. help. help me>!!?

catch me like a burning ember.
let me burn you black.

i am trying to stay closer to the ground
clip the string that keeps my heart flying in the clouds
come back here, silly fool.
there are bags of rice attached to the soles of my feet
they've been weighing me down for quite some time
i am living both in the clouds and sinking into the earth.
i have found no balance.

to the core of my bones,
in their very marrow,
there is an ache that will not quit.
there is a longing for something more.
more more more than what i have
more always more
but more of what, i haven't a clue.

i need to learn to fall.
and then to get right back up.
instead i am lying here bruised and battered still fighting the battles that are long over
the soldiers have all gone home to their beautifulwivesbeautifulchildren

i am sitting here alone in this field
with tall grass that will soon blanket me and empty bullet shells.
and i will lie here. until the white winter comes and covers me as well
only to be found in the springtime by a pair of wandering lovers.

I've never believed anyone when they've told me I'm beautiful.
Not once.
But when you said it
I absorbed the compliment
Instead of throwing it away.
I let it sink in
And make me feel good for once.
You had a way...
A way of getting under my skin in the very best way.

a synesthete
i swallow our memories in color
pink when you touched my tattoo for the first time
your fingers sticking to each line as if the ridges were stairs you were careful walking down
as if i was something you were ever trepidatious about.
grey for seeing you again in the car
with rap blasting louder than my thoughts
i was thankful for that
green for lying on your velvet couch
clutching myself so i didn’t fall apart
all over your apartment
careful not to leave an arm in
your bedroom
my stomach on your kitchen chair
.a rainbow.
prickly beads of sweat around my eyes
that is not what you noticed
instead oceans of what you needed
from me.
grey grey . grey . a sunny sort of rain.
a gloomy apetite.

brash
and insensitive i’m sorry all is unclear—
i wasn’t taught this way . no forks
on which side
dont sass me— i can already feel my diminishing importance if i think far enough into the future
scene:: and there, they took a huge hunk of rose quartz and held it against their heart :: exit character
head in arms all up up to the jugular

unless
it’s a seduction
my puckering lips eagerly await your
hungry brooding wet Mouth
hungry tired monster''
''come rest easy on my lap -head in **** familiar
her *** music sounds like love
mine sounds like *******
tastes like falling in love
he does mmm       he  does

je ne sais pas quoi dire, mais.

bon.

je suis ouverte. je suis là. je suis morte.

je suis qui je suis, et vous ne me comprenez pas. alors... merde.

__
translated:

I don't know what to say but.

ok.

I am open. I am here. I am dead.

I am who I am, and you all do not understand me. so... ****.

You know that feeling
when you see something that truly speaks to you
and your heart bursts with adrenaline?

*You.

gun trigger
make my flame flicker
quicker baby quicker
i can feel the pressure
pleasure
**** **** oh
make your **** slicker
with my wet
let's make a bet
that we won't stop
until both of us are nothing but sweat
and happiness.

there. i've found it.

I never eat when I'm interested in someone new.
Need to impress them.
I'm a doll!
See no imperfections.
I have none.
Until I do.
Have to keep this façade
until you find them
and don't want me
anymore.

I don't need food.
I'm losing weight.
You'll see.
Please keep me on your shelf.
And you'll see no more of me.
There will be nothing left.
And I will be happy.
And I will be dead.

and when you were three years old. how did he ask you. where did you go. how many times did you go there. hearts above my head. wants to know me i want to know you. glad he put me on his car radio. is that all you think of. smeared across the windshield. starry eyed. constellations forming at the tip of your tongue. double cap my stars.

start speaking to me in astrology.

— my sweet baby. cowardly little girl —
little mouthed lovenotes

mysteries hidden beneath layers of red puffy cheeks huffy breath little smirk swollen eyes. holds me in his arms like a fragile plant. waters me with stories from his past. dreams of the future.

kiss the walls of my house. reach the rooted truths.

it is pouring. it is washing away my troubles. it is clearing my head of rubble.
brigades of lovesoldiers. revolutionaries of hearts and stars.
congregants of the sky goddesses of love freaks. sweetly sordid little creatures.

the tendency is to ignore the problem until it becomes more manageable///
how has that been going so far for you, sweet darling?
do you feel the relief you so hoped for? or are your lungs (these doors) being kicked in. leaving you exposed and unready. unkempt and unruly.
switchblade princess. magnifique. petite princesse qui veut avoir toutes choses.
mais moi, je ne sais pas qui je suis, ou je dois aller et comment je peut boire l’eau de l’amour sans devenir alcoolique.

they sit. every muscle in a state of relaxed inertia.
ready. for what. who. when.
when to pounce. or simply watch.
people pleaser. introvert.
if i sit i sit will they come.
long. young. small framed. dressed like an angel in heat.

they sit. balanced on padded paws. watches.
magnetic eyes. cookie eyes. chapped lips.
i wonder if he makes them come.
do you call this a sign?
why is everyone asking me that
savoring last drops of the sunset.
kiss my nose. cheeks sweet like agave nectar. peach fuzz with a trigger warning.
you animal, you.
traveler to farmlands and fields. sunflower sun child.
they say they’re the sun. calls me a moon doll.
and when you cry, do you light up the sky?
do the stars cry with you?
are they just as enamored as i?
spellbound limericks of funnysillysad love.
does the gold spill out your eyelids?
staining already sun kissed skin and velvet cloth.

sits. jumps. relaxed natural ***** fingernails hands caught in curls of my hair. what a wondrous mess.
you animal, you.

ruins-----------
i am an abandoned village
the hairs on my arms standing up at the thought of discovery— tiny vacant towns
a fragmented ancient corpse found in the ruins of suburbia
i am a sight for sore eyes
i am a sight for the blind

and our tiny vagrant hearts
and our tiny vagrant hearts
wanderers walking into the moonlight

last week she reclaimed vietnamese food.
this is a process and every now and then
she checks in with me.

haven’t talked to him in a while.
saw him on the treadmill yesterday--
i was happy he was not.

i miss him.
(says she misses him)

says she finally reclaimed her own bed.
says he is no longer the smell in her pillows the first thought in her head.
further from her mind each morning
new lovers have ways of stalling mourning
or maybe he has already been put away.

continuation finds new ways of forming.

she is comforting herself can’t you see that.
the way she lies on his chest listens to his heart beat slower slower after fast.
i simply speak what is on my mind why do you love me because because starry moon child you are made up of all the things i cannot grasp.
the way he bends she bends loud bubbling *** noisier and higher pitched keep it down shhh don’t wake the neighbors.
the way she gasps he gasps look what you did
is that from last time or this time
last and the other one from now
let me see the marks that were made no wonder she never stayed.

red. as the lips you have touched. the remedies on my tongue. the stains on my toweled thighs. the handprints on my ***. the hearts above my head.

his head will lie between her thighs. his hands will find their way back to gripping hips. leaving the marks. her back will remember its familiar curve.

why do you love me?
i wasn’t expecting that question.

Slow sleepy raindrops drip on my head
they form a little puddle then slide languidly down each strand of hair
it is a slow process
drowning

relax your jaw
he talks about easing in (taking control)
as far as i am concerned there is no one in this cafe this street but you and i
lips tongues moving in tandem
hands reaching over pressing down on hips leaving their own conversations

i've got this lump in my throat filled with all the things i want to say
i've got fire at my heels begging me to run faster in the other direction
and in this direction
in every direction. i've got fire at my heels. snapping at my heels.
go go go
i've got strings attached to my limbs
the trees are pulling me along their paths
pulling me up and apart and sinking me down heavy with their roots
up//up//down

i've got potential, i promise.
but let's forget.

start (over)

back again i need to go
endlessly night and day

when the sun and moon are out at the same time
think about me most in those times
there are strings that pull me in both directions
they pull me apart
to you and away

growling behind squeaks in the blue wood
perhaps too late
it feels silly to create a separation in which
depending upon the hour
it goes sour or it sticks
persevere and it will be
springtime yellowpinkgreen
t(e)n((d))e(r)
o o “o” the shape
the sound air makes when it is being pushed out through gritted teeth
i am interested in the ways abstract art makes its way through my brain and picks up pieces of you and him and them and her
a water__Fall

i am strong like the ocean. i can overpower you with my salty seas. push you to the edge.
drown you deep within my vast waters you'll be lost.
overwhelm you with the sensation of my sultry tides.
~~pulling you in
pushing you away~~
turn you into a red eyed addict.
i'll keep you coming back for your dose.

but i am weak like the tears that stream down my face.
unable to hold their place
inside the curve of my eyes.
cleansing the poison from my hallow bones
failing and  free falling to their premature yet certainly long overdue demise.

i am the water. every changing. all around you. swimming in your darkest fantasies.

within reach, yet never within grasp.

~~~ ~ ~ ~

don't try to ****** me. i am a force of nature.