i didn't eat
you asked why i hadn't touched
the rapidly cooling
potatoes on
my plate.
but you already knew.

you asked anyways
and i looked
away
trying my best to
hide my secret
from someone i had
only just met about a week
prior.

i have some eating issues.

//
/

which one.

it took all of my
guts to say that
word that i have trouble
typing
even now
the one that starts with "a"

but you kept asking.

i was so shocked.
you were the first
to continue
your questions
after my admitting
to eating issues.

everyone else goes
oh
sorry
that *****.

but you asked for
specifics
and through my
terrified mumbling
i admitted
and i said aloud
the word that
i hadn't been able to say
aloud before.

the word that i haven't said since.
the one that starts with "a".

it's important
to feel like
hot ******* ****
sometimes

the way my hips move
could move mountains
the way this chest sways
could change a politician's mind

i will not waste
my time
on those who have no
ambition
move that ******* body
sway those hips
feel
feel that music
raising
bubbling
taking over

from the tips of your
toes
from the earth that
provides all music
all the ******* way through you
electricity
feel it keep feeling it
to your eyes
stare down your enemies
bite you lip
and sway your hips
move away
brush them away
wink at your admirers
bite your lip
and invite them to feel
you
wrap their hands around
your waist
and keep dancing

make them lose their
breath

I cry at the simplest things

what is it that moves you

my soul has too long been tethered to a never-ending battle

what is it that moves you

do birds feel the weight of the world when they are taking off?
do they feel it being lifted when they are soaring?

how long have you wanted to soar?

my whole life

don't look at me like that
it intimidates me
i stay transfixed
can't move
she throws stones
he looks at me
she takes a break
he takes over

sit. listen.

i do as i'm told.

she comes back. my teddy bear. my darling. my dear. she comes back.
my hands are out of order
my thighs quiver but they
know nothing more than longing.
she comes back. she stares. she gazes.
quick quick put on a show
quit it quick quitter quaking in fear
ffffffffffurrowing her brow
show me tender
carry me slowly
softly over the threshold
one, two, nineteen.

counting for too long is maddening but
he stays calm and focused on his goal
no interruptions
no interferences
she gets emotional
he pushes down his *******

he looks at me
she looks at me
there is an understanding
there is chaos
there is peace

i like women
i fear men
and you are both in one body
simultaneously what i fear and what i am
drawn to.
mystery lightly veiled
in the thin layer of your
astonishing skin.

good for nothing
******* *****
you take off your clothes and nothing more
you crave the validation of others
yes you will do anything
for it

where are you going, little girl?
what the **** is your plan, little darling?
what do you plan on doing after your looks
f a d e
and no one wants you anymore.?.

you silly silly girl
thinking your body is
untouchable
disgusting
yet still using it as a *** object
objectifying yourself
and scratching at your insides
in the middle of the night


what possesses you to
come home
and look at yourself in the mirror
and pinch the parts that
you can pinch
and grab the parts that
you can grab
and pull at the parts that
your lover loves to pull
yet you would do anything
to pull off

little brat
why do you still wake up every morning
and put your two feet
on that measuring metal
that you know will dictate
the rest of your day.

lower number
lower stress
higher number
and anxiety sets

the same insane routine
yet you do nothing towards an end

inside the deep dark tunnel i go
stretching myself out to every person i know
i'll concern myself with their issues so i don't have to think about my own

-my problem-
how many more friends are you going to
lose over this ******* madness
how many more times are you going to yell at people
for being brainwashed
by the society that
has already brainwashed
you
gutted you to the core
stabbed you through the heart
made you think that you are nothing more
than an object to sell
to be looked at
to be ….used….
just a bunch of parts

you stupid little ******* *****
when is this going to end?
when are you going to realize that maybe
maybe
you are something more
than the tangible parts of your skin
feel the raw emotions coming from within

those fingernails can dig and dig through your lover's skin
but they will never find what they are looking for

and those eyes can roll as far back into your head as the pleasure allows
but they will still never see inside your soul.

Am I selfish if you are all I seem to write about?
Always on my mind. Am I good at nothing else? Is that it?
Are you easy to write about? No. Yes. Who knows.
I know you are easier to write about than I am. That's why I don't write about myself.
Because what could I say?
I have nowhere to begin.

I am entrapped. Embodied.
A cleansing experience and a curse.

What am I? Isn't that one of the unanswerable questions.
How was college?
Who is she?
What are you good at?
What are you good at?
getting overwhelmed at the sheer immensity of life.
How the **** does no one else feel it?
I ask too many questions.
Topic change.

I am the sea. I am tumultuous.
Never stop running form one corner of the world to the next.
Never stopping.

I write my poetry in paragraphs when it's written down and in short bites when it's typed.
I wonder why that is.

It's urgent. This is urgent!
Thoughts like to shoot and confuse. Be my muse. Too loud. Can't tide me over.

I think this Mary is laced cuz my heart is beating… how does that rap go?
Hmm, Tyler?

There is a picture in my head of a happy summer blonde with the perfect matte red lips. She is making fun of me. She stares at me and teases me into a pit of madness. She always watches over me. She is my heart and she wants to hurt me. Masochistic pig. Sadistic wolf. Pink is my favorite color. I try so hard to be pink. Pink tries so hard to be me.
A little disgusting ******.

Blackberry currant.
Pink *****.
Popping pink.
"ck" is my favorite sound.
****. ****.
Pretty little *****.
****. ****.
I want you to pound my pretty pink *****. pop.
That little **** is going to get ****** so hard tonight. Pound you with my ****.
Please?

Surprise me, baby. Don't be like the rest. Because I know too well what to expect.

How did I come from such a beautiful creature? How do any of us get here, and why must I suffer more than they?
Nothing has ever been simple with you. Everything has always been so hard.
Beat beat be still my
pounding head. Before the floodgates open. She can't see me weak.
No one can.
But I am selfish and I'll stay.
No more running away.

sweat dripping down my inner thigh
I can feel your tongue there.
and there
and there.

beads are trickling down my ******* and I can feel your hot fingers
touching me there
scratching me here
molding me to your will.

languid, dripping, indulgent. those are the words I like.

it feels like ******* mexico in here
******* mexico
lying on the beach
being devoured by the hot sand
searing my flesh to the core
until I am nothing but black ash
darker than your shirt. darker than the black ink of your tattoo.

darker than what I think my soul resembles.

but I can feel you, baby. I can feel your hands on me. I can feel the noose around my neck.
I can feel it all. I can feel
your breath
against my neck
making me hotter than the ******* mexico inside my room.

there is wet everywhere but my throat.
it drips down
like the wax on my fingers
drip
drip through my mind

fire burning my soul and my skin
can you feel the heat, daddy?
have i been good enough for a sip of water?
or will you leave me parched and dizzy. begging.

smoke rings are piling up and I can reach through them to touch you
can't I? can I?
I can feel everything I can feel it all
tell me talk tell me what
what is going through that mind
those eyes
what is behind those eyes? what dark thoughts? could they be any darker than mine?

I doubt it. you say.

I talk to you and you get nothing

there is a disconnect

do you feel that? do you feel the void?

you are making us nothing.

you do not want to know

you do not want to feel

you. do. not.

but I do. I am passionate. I am happy. I am frenzied and fiery. I feel everything and nothing all at once and I want to share

I want to share that

with you

and you will have none of it

you will take no fire. you only try and put out my flame.

it will not work.

there is a disconnect. there is a void.

don't you see it? can't you see it growing bigger?

listen and learn and try to understand.

hello??? am I getting through???

have I

dialed

the wrong

number? 5476891023*%&%(#$)&&&


will you please pick up the ******* phone!?

I'll make you forget about your apathy
sparkly temptress
I keep my magic wand in my secret drawer.

Are you burning for me yet?

Can you feel the ache spreading in your belly
moving down your thighs
reaching the tips of your lips mouthing silent profanities

Oh baby, you can't hide
I see you

I still feel your skin humming with desire beneath my fingertips.

There are too many people inside my head,

and they fuss and they fight til no end.

There are far too many slices of myself.

(that I will never understand)

I want to play, and fight, and laugh, and scream,

and teach and be taught at the same time.

(deep breath)



I want to fly, and drown, and swim, and walk,

and decompose against a mossy rock.

I feel like a cloud on a summer day.
Your slow lips painting a chaos into my neck.