It's your smell that I can never escape.

I run far from you into the depths of my mind--
the dusty corners even I can't always find.
Dusting off covers of disorders and drugs,
Past depression and sullen shrugs.

Not too hard to forget that nose,
those eyes,
those lips,
those toes.
How simple it was to get away.
Those ears,
that tongue,
those hips,
those clothes.
Were gone like yesterday.

But...

It's your smell that I can never escape.

She was a flower that had opened its petals too wide.
Had known sorrow and felt pain.
She grew heavy with the weight of the world.
Felt each soul as it was being slain.

Her once fresh, delicate scent was bitter now--
They put her in the back of the store.
Felt herself going down under.
She was the sea that some learned to love.

It was a test to show how much she could suffer,
and she got praise as she took the blows.
Love was the hand that pulled her up before she plundered,
and showed her there was more to be known.

What's your name?*

What a stupid question to ask.

Okay
Tell me I'm cute
Tell me I'm adorable
aww, what cute bows you have in your hair!
You like having your dominance in public.
That's fine.
But let's see who's cute and adorable when I haul you over my lap and spank your ***.
Still cute?
Yeah
I didn't think so, little boi.

Need to keep reminding myself of my worth. Have to stay strong. Keep a smile on my face. I can do this. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. Just one breath after another. Slow that heartbeat down. Keep that pulse regular.
Breathe.
It won’t get worse from here. Only better. Keep breathing. Think of happy things. New haircut! New tattoo! Sunshine. Warmth. Soft sand. The summer. Cool breeze. Pale skin contrasting everyone else’s tans. Happiness. Love. Balance.
Breathe.
It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Just keep writing. Calm down. Things magnify in my head. Deep breath. Hold it. Let it go. Let it all go. I’m okay. I’ll be okay. Everything’s okay. It’s all in my head.
*Breathe. Breathe and everything will be alright.

I’ve been wanting to cut it shorter for a while,

but was worried about how it would look.

I wouldn’t be able to hide behind the tresses anymore.

No more veil for my tears.

But how long could I live in my sheltered little world?

I’ve finally began peeking past my rose colored curtain,

so why not have a physical representation of that?

Just a couple snips and it’s gone. Just a few chops and it falls.

Deep breath. This feels good.

This is good.

Fresh start.

To a new beginning.

I like being in charge sometimes.

I want to be choked and spanked and ******* and ****** hard.

I want to wear a strap-on in bed.

I want to be used.

I think about spanking you until your *** turns red.

I want to be slapped and called a ****.

But I melt when you call me babygirl.

I swoon because you’re a gentleman.

I smile when you’re cute and girly.

I want to cuddle and watch Disney movies.

I like having hot wax poured on my body.

I like to play with the candles on the table at fancy restaurants.

I like ice too.

I like to watch your pupils dilate when I look at you a certain way.

I like when you look at me in that certain way that makes me lose my breath and giggle.

It calms me down when you call me owlet when I’m stressed.

You give me warm and fuzzies when you call me your best friend.

Maybe I like you.

So maybe this isn’t so complicated.

*Maybe it’s really simple.

My heart beats so quickly when you say my name.
Perhaps its because I am still in awe that your lips are uttering it.
It sounds better rolling off your tongue than it does mine.
Deana
You care for each syllable as if it were your own child--
slowly nudging each one forward to help it grow and blossom
Deana
Hard consonant melts into warm caramel from your hot breath,
The vowels making an 'ah' shape like the ones you make in my bed.
So softly, you whisper in my ear and build my heart up to the sky--
I'm floating in my own name; floating in your smooth voice.
Deana
Pronouncing it with such care that I am at once startled and soothed.
Deana
Never stop saying my name.
Deana
Deana
*Deana

The earth can not understand just how much
I love you
because the earth can only understand what we do,
and I do not understand this love I have for you.
It transcends all bounds, lights me up to the tips of my toes
and pulls me back down to the ground.
It shoots out of my mouth like words spoken too fast--
anxious I love yous, and clambering hands.
And my only conclusion is
that I want to be with you forever
Our wedding on the beach with white candles
Your mom gives a great speech, we throw back our sandals.

I find it hard to believe
that you found beauty in me
when I didn't even see it
in myself.

Chicken
is
a
fun
game.
*don't stop

There is a quiet defeat within me
whenever I accept one of your apologies.

Water slipping through weak fingers
running past the digits
so fleeting
so quick
one minute,
everything,
all you've ever wanted--
gone.

Pitied for the loneliness,
yet humbled for being alone--
understanding the opposition
and embracing it's relevance.

Defeated yet thrilled
miserable yet marveling at the misery
indulgent in the depression
milking the sorrow
enjoying the open wounds
slowly learning to accept defeat.

Stinging *** and bright eyes,
Innocent yet absolutely not.
Hair bows and bruised thighs,
The thrill of being caught.

Lips bitten and achy jaw,
Naughty and nice perfectly formed.
Tracing ice until it thaws,
Dripping wax so I can burn.

I can't resist--
Just one last kiss.
Whisper slowly,
That I'll be missed.

Your hand stings and you throb,
And you pulse, and want more while I sob.

Pain is my plea
And you are all too giving.
Hands still stinging,
Ears ringing.

I lie at your feet
Nuzzling kisses-- I'm content.
You caught your prey
That malicious smile
Seeing I'm spent.

You call me ****
And I want to be nothing but.

Low fat love
Sugar free passion
Tricks my brain
Into thinking we actually had something

I know I'll be back, cause there's no other choice, I know I was a fool to let you go,
I was a fool to think that I could sleep a wink on this empty bed by myself.

I poured wax onto my thighs today-

I missed the ways you used to hurt me.

I miss the sound

Of the insecure raindrops

Nuzzling up against the

Comforting roof.

At night I like to rest my fingertips on the protruding hipbone that is still covered by a fleshy layer of cushion. Of fat.
Why do we shy away from that description so often?
Fat.
Those three letters haunted me more than anything for the past 7 years, and I would hear it all too often.
And when I didn't hear it, I'd see it in their eyes.
I was not like the rest of them.
No Abercrombie for this pudgy middle schooler, and no eating candy unless I wanted to be ridiculed and stereotyped.
But not until my senior year of high school did it finally get to me.
I stopped eating. One almond at most and nothing else.
Fat.
Fat.
Disgusting.
Shameful.
Ugly.
All synonymous in my head.
Now it's completely different.
I embrace my beautiful body.
Every curve, every scar, every red engrained stretch mark.
I wear them with pride.
I take off my shirt for my lovers without fear or shame.
My body is bigger than societies idealistic and impossible standards of beauty...
And thank
God
For
That.

It was a desperate kiss.
I could feel you pulling away-
going inside yourself
and I was trying desperately to pull you back to me.
I was kissing your neck,
trying to bring back your pulse.
I was kissing down your *******,
trying to make it quicken.
All I knew was that I wanted you.
I needed you.
Here.
Now.

I listened to every voicemail she sent me
I heard us deteriorate through the months
and it was
too
much.

Fresh laundry
***** combat boots
Grey ripped jeans
Dark honey eyes
You got a tattoo?? That's so cool
Looking up to you
Listening to every word
Your girlfriend?? Oh… your girlfriend… well, kind of… you know how that goes...
No chance
upset
crying
all alone
You call
Heart beats
Veins jump
Panic
Hi
I miss you
Pulse quickens
You… you do?
Butch
My introduction.
My undoing.
My torture.
But… but you're a girl…
Confusion.
So
much
confusion.
Hatred.
Can't tell mom.
You.
Butch
blonde
soft brown eyes
warm
like dark honey
mysterious
what are you?
who are you?
what are you doing to me?
dreams
indescribable
wake up
soaking wet
you do strange things to my head
I reach down
feels sticky
rubbing
you
you
butchandblonde
and brown eyed
doe eyed
hands moving faster
you
***** combat boots
ripped jeans
you
fresh laundry
tattoos
mindfuck
feel it building
waves through me
you
pushing into me
shaking
fingers lost
you
scream too loud
thank god no one's home
lying there for hours
heavy breathing
youyouyouyou
butchandblonde

You wore a black, soft North Face jacket and now everyone who wears one is you.
And anyone who wears any flannel.
Or perhaps has long, dark brown hair.
Ripped jeans.
Grey tank top.
*****, worn combat boots.
They are a heart attack and a heartache.
They're a shot of adrenaline and a longing sadness.
A spit in the face and an encouraging nod.
And of course I can not get away because they surround me.
You surround me.
Yet you're not here.
So all their faces blur into the back of my mind to create a sewn up, ratty, old you.

This is better than being alone.

one pair of sweet lips,
wishing they could be tucked over mine
two engaging eyes,
ones i can never look away from
wishing to keep them matching my gaze
one nose,
perfectly complementary to the outline of my face
when you come close
so come close
closer
so much closer.

Close enough so I can smell you
your soft, warm, comforting, **** smell which I crave too often
Close enough so I can feel the warmth of your body on mine
Lying here with me, nothing exists but you and I,
The warmth of my blankets couldn't compare to the fire burning in your eyes
touch me. hold me. feel me.
feel us, entangled, intertwined, naked, warm.
nothing between us.
no barriers.
no clothes.
no phones.
nothing.
skin on skin.
*warmth.

I've never believed anyone when they've told me I'm beautiful.
Not once.
But when you said it
I absorbed the compliment
Instead of throwing it away.
I let it sink in
And make me feel good for once.
You had a way...
A way of getting under my skin in the very best way.

How am I supposed to breathe when you're not here?
Oxygen has not been kind to me.
When the leaves fall and soon enough they'll make a crisp beneath my soles
And the brisk wind will come whistling past my ears pinking my cheeks
Will you still be there in my dreams?
Will you still be my escape?

And then when the snow starts to fall and those leaves begin to fade from sight
When the ochre sweaters turn into fur coats
And the people no longer carry umbrellas but coffee mugs
Will I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat
Grasping at the greedy oxygen
Reaching for you
Angry with the futility of my predicament?

Or will the fresh leaves of spring bring relief?

You know that feeling
when you see something that truly speaks to you
and your heart bursts with adrenaline?

*You.

What will it be like
when I first see you in december
how will it feel to touch you again?
will I touch you again?
will it ever be the same?

Our lives will have changed so much over these couple months apart
will the sound of my name still leave your lips in a rose hued haze?
or will it fall flat only to be realized a moment too late?

When will the sadness end?
waiting staring at the clock tick tick tock
it keeps going non stop tick tock tick tick
yet gets slower every time I look back
tick            tock         tick

A month can go by in an instant
but the thoughts of you are slower than time can comprehend
so it maliciously stops and lags and makes me think of you incessantly
and never lets it end
until it does

But not for long
not longer than a couple quick moments because time doesn't make sense
it never has with you
and now it's proving its point

Well I don't need any **** points to be proven
let me sleep or I'll die of desperation
let me sleep let me sleep!
but time's not that kind
you deserve this it says
you deserve this for falling in love

So I deserve this.
I deserve this massacring of mind
because I fell for you

But I can't stop thinking
what will it be like?
to see you to touch you to feel you
how will you respond?

The night that special night
in my bed
the last time we saw each other
before we both left
that magical night
words were spoken bodies were touched
but none of the words mattered
none of them could make sense of our emotions
nothing came close
no sounds could describe what we were feeling

So we lied there on my bed and you slipped your fingers
inside me
and you showed me stories instead of told me
and you showed me my body
and you opened my soul
and you took out my bruised heart
and you held it so tightly
and you whispered to it
it's alright
everything will be alright
the bruises will heal far sooner than you think
and some won't
and that's ok
because I love you

And that's how I accepted it
our parting
because you whispered into my heart
into my soul
my body
that
you loved me
you still do
and I do too.

Suns and sunset, dusk and dawn,
All i do is pray for more.
I am sitting home alone,
and all i do is pray.

Stars and ceiling block my view,
they don't see like I used to
Sorry people seem to say
All i do is pray.

Lonely trees and cold skies,
linger in my memory
all i see is life going by,
and all i do is pray.

All i do is pray
all i do is pray…
l can see you staring at me,
who cares, i'm off to pray.

Deserts cold and ice is warm
opposites make perfect homes,
linger in the sadness and moans,
and all i do is pray.

After every phone call, I feel like writing poetry.
Tell me why that is, there is a problem here
"I love you so much!", you say slowly,
And everytime, I say "Goodbye" with a tear.

You make me feel so useless, so confused
You make me feel so love sick, and used.
I write these poems, I try to rhyme,
While you go out, party time.
I'd like to see us together!
But I know that'll never happen
I want to be your forever,
Guess not this time.

Black knife, through my heart
Poisoning me slowly; vein by vein, ventricle by ventricle
Your black venom takes me over like the sweet taste of iced lemonade on a hot summer's day.
You kissed me, then left me in the street.
You touched me, then left me here to weep.

It has not hit me yet. My heart, the clock, beats constant, unchanging.
Tick tick tick tick.
Just a shot, just a pinch opening up my insides to the world.
Letting my most sacred belongings be seen by this earth.
One little pinch and then the blood gets ****** out.
****** out of me as if a bloodthirsty animal has a straw.

The clock is breaking, its ticking inconsistent. No more tick ticks.
The little hands of the clock are scampering around trying to find their original rhythm. Is is proving impossible.
Run hands, run! Find that rhythm you so strive for!

Nope, it is gone, now the clock is unhinging. The hands are falling off, the numbers spinning out of control.
Nope, this clock is too far gone to be fixed.
Nope, this heart beats too fast, no magic tricks.
Nope, she can not be saved, let's find a new clock to fix.

Sitting here, reflecting on my life, eating the greasy slices of pizza that stain my shirt with smells of garlic.
Listening to the other kids laugh and listen to the music that makes my ears bleed and my brain pound as if a little drummer boy is stuck in my head.
Trying to figure out how to interact with the very people that put me in the inclosed position i am forced into now.
Crying internally, hoping no one can sense the pain and turmoil in my voice, hiding under the sweet smile I offer to the public.
I am alone. I am alone. I am always alone.

Why do i spend all my time thinking about you?
Making these stupid poems about you,
Dreaming pointless dreams about you.
Searching the stars for you,
When you are just on the ground, normal, unchanging.

You are unchanging, just like every vacant human being on this earth,
But somehow, your demeanor, your voice changes me.
Somehow. somehow, your skin, your light and your dark, changes me.
For better or worse, who knows, but in me, you give birth
To new ideas and a new meaning.
To new dilemmas in my dreaming.

Twist ending, never saw it coming,
You leave me, but you are stunning.
I can't take my eyes off your beauty,
The never-ending story.

So I sit in my room brooding,
Looking for answers; time consuming.
Homework: never done
My mind keeps a'wandering.
Forever lost in my pondering.

I want to make you moan, make you scream, make your eyes roll back into your head,
I want to see you grasp for air, tense up, and clutch the bed.
I want to feel your heart beating against my chest,
And I want to be the only one.

I want to hear you swear, feel you sweat trickle down your stomach, see you twist.
I want to be the one to meet all your requests.
I want you to wake up in the middle of the night and crave my touch
And I want to be the only one.

I hear them talk, them judge, them pretending like they know us,
I see them point, them try and figure out what's between us,
But they'll never know the way we are, the way we ****, the way we love,
Because we are us, and we are the only ones.

I want to wake up with marks on my back from your nails, with bites on my neck from your teeth, and always with you lying beside me.
I want you to fall asleep in my arms, dream of me in your dreams, and feel my warmth on your skin.
And through all that, I want to be the only one.

Don't worry, I'll keep you right here in my little box for safekeeping.
I'll stow you away in my secret hiding place deep in my mind and never take you out until I know it's safe.
You are my little marionette, your strings taught and wary from overuse.
The wood you are made from chipped and abused.

Don't worry, I'll keep you right here in my little box for safekeeping.
You are afraid of the monsters outside, creeping, but I will protect you.
I am brave.
I will defend you from the evil that surrounds everyone and everything and I will keep you safe.
Your little marionette arms hanging by your sides, already prepared for the heartbreak of rejection.

Don't worry, I'll keep you right here in my little box for safekeeping.
You'll never be able to run away because I control your strings.
The strings you could never use to walk on your own.
The strings, only I know how to employ. My fingers toiling with the knots. You are bruised.

Don't worry, I'll keep you right here in my little box for safekeeping.
I swear I will never stray.
This promise will be engrained on my mind, sewn on my heart and tattooed on my fingertips.
You are mine and I will never let you go. Never.
You are mine and I will never let you go. Never.