there is a struggle to be in control.
contained.
to keep him happy.
to indulge myself.
the routine broke. it’s breaking.
consistency is a fleeting temptress with eyes reflecting your most controlling self. i will step out of this realm. transcendence of self and *******.
look within myself and past lovers fights tears kisses strife when you called me this and i you that.
pull out pick apart deconstruct.

- reconstruct-
what you wanted and what really happened.
where we were and who we have become.

you can not watch it through your window.
moody
you can not watch it patiently from your lonely tower.
dive into the mess. consume. burn.
burn it in.
this. this is all you’ve got.
burn in the mess consume and be consumed.

are you exposing yourself to true pain?
stayed faithful what is faithful.
stayed true what is truth.

do not look away.
eyes will get smeared. soft tears and daggered realities.
do not shield your eyes.
do not pretend you did not see it.
do not pretend it did not hurt.

i don’t want you to read my poetry and say ‘aw’.

sees the light i see him
hymnal youth and choir boys
daily dalliances with unknown creatures and masses
deviations from the mainstream. lights a fire in me.

liberation- he is.
a passing *******
BOOM BOOM BOOM ———— PULSE

moments captured in a tenderlustful touch
creeping with and into my ****.

simple complex lover.
hard softy. tough sweetheart.

the space between never and again.

luxuriously placed bruises.
you’ve gotten a lot brattier since the last time
.honestly.

holding on so tight
tightly to what
made me sad are you happy
to always welcoming hands
wander/lusting heart

am i lonely//are you lonesome
which road will take me to you
quick flashes of connections — where to run off to next.

open up to him and he will show you what you are capable of.

do i have a wall up with you
yes
i am letting you in i am letting you in
now say it until you believe it
in i am letting you in
— all my poetry is about falling apart—

i can hardly hear myself think
you are so much you are so many sad songs. you are so new and nostalgic.
does that make sense?
deana, you’re not understanding what i’m saying.

——————brick——————

loves me but it hurts
******* **** ****** sits on my couch//on my feet—
toes gently tucked under his jeaned thigh.s.—
tells me he loves me.

love is not a mistake but mistakes are made up of love.
tiny hearted patchworks attempting *******//
makes a home out of my arms.
tears falling down me him my his face.s.
stretches me open like bubble gum /little princess/brat/toy.
fantasies in our heads. little secrets. sweet taste from his lips.

opens up my mouth. stretches it wide. pushes his fingers through. as if the inside of my gums held the secrets he has been trying to reach in my head. pushes them far back. almost gag. mine mine be mine be mine mine mine be mine. i hear it. he keeps quiet but i hear it. silent pleas.

wild. sweet daddy darling. wild. i am wild. i belong to no one.
**** me/take me/own me for a little while. fulfill those needs. sate yourself and me.
i am no product to be placed on a shelf.

whispers it in my ear in between faces staring.
hearing it makes it more real. analysis. how many fingers was that? how did your tongue do that? can you do it again? can i try?

why.?. do you love me. why.?.

this will be better for you i will not call text contact you
no
why are you crying
no i don’t want this stay
you don’t love me just the idea
no
of me
no stay please i need you you make me happier than i have been in so long
this is *******
i know
this is *******
i know

Take care of them.
Keep them safe from harm.
From me. Not easy. Handful.
You’re a lot.
I know.

Kiss and think of when we kissed. Kiss and feel full. Feel sated. Do not ask for more. Do not ask for seconds. Let a kiss be just that: a sweet offering tasted in the night.
Hold my shakes and think of when you held my shakes.

******* angers me. Over confidant. I know. I know. Everything. All about me my lips eyes mouth where they belong where he places them.

****** and chucker. Check.
Stubborn little girl with apparently more power than she thought. Tired of dragging a runaway bag on her shoulders.

Settle down, my dear. And we will figure this out in time.

and when you were three years old. how did he ask you. where did you go. how many times did you go there. hearts above my head. wants to know me i want to know you. glad he put me on his car radio. is that all you think of. smeared across the windshield. starry eyed. constellations forming at the tip of your tongue. double cap my stars.

start speaking to me in astrology.

— my sweet baby. cowardly little girl —
little mouthed lovenotes

mysteries hidden beneath layers of red puffy cheeks huffy breath little smirk swollen eyes. holds me in his arms like a fragile plant. waters me with stories from his past. dreams of the future.

kiss the walls of my house. reach the rooted truths.

do you still like me- he asks.
soft tones and brittle bones. torn.
eyes roll. my eyes. away or repeating.
bits and pieces. bits and pieces of my heart have been scattered here.
feel them thudding down the hall.
under your sheets.
pressed up against your ears.

a creation of fantasies all splayed out on his floor.
***** me this way and that.
yeah? yeah? take it. take my ****.
directions from- unsweetened 2%

do you still like me.
a calming disposition. arms stretched like an alley cat. ready to run at the first sign of danger.
eager enough to go deeper, but still scarred from previous battles.

with all that i have left- smoothes away scars. until tears start pouring down hot cheeks.

-forgetmenots-
he is a bouquet of forgetmenots and cigarette ash.
remember when there was no bed.
remember when i was so happy you were here on the floor with me.
forget me- he has.
always saying the worst before he goes. sticks stuck in my mind.
make a mess. you’re going to make a mess.
forget me- he does. but never lets me do the same.
remember- i do, forgetmenot.
but i will forget. the forgotten always forget.
mossy dead bones. green grows on even the most forgotten trees.

dreamy lover boys. remember when remember when.
remember when i said goodbye.
remember when you said take care.
remember when i hugged you too tight.
remember when i walked away.

thoughts constant. never far from my mind.
you. you are inside me.
trying to draw you out like a fish from water
but i’m drowning instead.

first. i am first. on top. top *****.
my dear, don’t you think this is unreal?
metal that melts at my touch.
i can think no further. think nothing of it.

drowning in the midst of a stare. you to me. connected and broke. there is a connection. ///broken. snip.


-i wish he were more persistent-

undress and show me what smile lies inside
heart hurt me fly lighter
fly lower to the ground

baby, take me anywhere. i’m ready for whatever.

pretty planned out shhh i’ve got it all taken care of
but i want to keep driving
keep going
take me further

did we already take this road?

heavy heads and grabby hands lead to adventures far from maps charted.
let’s chart our own paths. categorize the nostalgia in new towns.

never far from my mind
heavy red wine sits thick
.embedded.
you are
a quiet rolling thunder
deep
tire don’t tire
suggestive he has become. suggestions. passing fancies.
become. what we became.
sitting softly. curled in my hair.

the only thing you taught me is the only thing you know

****** sappy ****
holding ***** to hands that we hate the most
mouths that curse
wilder than blueberries
smushed smashed in ready fingertips
soaking up the damage -show me where it hurts-
slap black juice marks across risen skin

you just like ******* my ****

drooly desire jumps like hunger
feed me
tongue ready sticking out sticking

these are the two truths i know:

good things are about to happen very soon - i can feel it in my bones -

i will soon be very utterly alone - i can feel it in my bones -

i've got this lump in my throat filled with all the things i want to say
i've got fire at my heels begging me to run faster in the other direction
and in this direction
in every direction. i've got fire at my heels. snapping at my heels.
go go go
i've got strings attached to my limbs
the trees are pulling me along their paths
pulling me up and apart and sinking me down heavy with their roots
up//up//down

i've got potential, i promise.
but let's forget.

start (over)

back again i need to go
endlessly night and day

when the sun and moon are out at the same time
think about me most in those times
there are strings that pull me in both directions
they pull me apart
to you and away

lengthy
delayed decisions and recognitions from the wasted years. she looks and she does too and they do and he does. they look and try to find my substance. extract the core.
not much talking.
his sits on the floor away from him. turned away from him so he can't see it. and she looks directly at it. melts into my white blood cells//red.
blackandwhite nostalgia under christmas lights. another you. another you was here before. gone like the smoke from our cigarettes. we should stop this. smile and light me.
happy birthday princess. blah blah keeps talking.

these games are no fun. pass me the ***.

the moon drips down my back
come come come here to me, sweet little child.

he comes up behind me. kisses my neck.
misses kisses. he misses. misses missed me. the words.
pushes my hair back. licks up my neck. sends chills.
tears rolling down his cheek. wetting my shoulders.
pump pumping his heart beat through me. i feel. i feel it all. dripping moonlight. dripping in it. i feel i feel i feel it all. all around me.
tears everywhere.
holding my hips. he keeps me steady.
sobbing into my neck.
sobbing through the moon. moon child baby.
sweet baby darling. pink baby child. you are the moon and you are me.

he puts me on my knees on the cold floor.
pulls my hair down. puts his hand around my neck. positions my lips open.
pours his poison down my throat.
acidic. sweet. spicy. full bodied. he really is delicious.
runs his finger down my neck.
swallowed him whole.
happy daddy.

spits in my mouth. poisonous eyes. those **** eyes. poison, i tell him.
he smiles. leads me to the window. shows me the sticky sunset.
kisses down my neck again. eyes closed. i feel his heart.
quickens.
window open spine chills.

he pushes me out and lights a cigarette as i bleed out on the sidewalk.
sits on the couch and sips his whiskey.

catch me like a fish
everlasting supplier of light rays-
warming the soul like a cup of hot tea on a sleepy sunday afternoon
- melancholic -

swaying the universe
the mermaids sing in the mornings
mesmerizing the sailors
and i am the singer and the mesmerized

i am free. i am free from the ropes. free from the chains of a dreary existence. i can feel it i can feel it on the tip of my eyelashes with the swells of tears pouring out.
- renewal - - relief -

i am a good girl. listener of tall tales and fantasies. spur of the moment night crawler caller.
i spin a beautiful web of fantastical clouds. from ropes to cakes.
pick your poison.

i am a bad girl. keeper of secrets. silent truths bundled under creative happiness and weakly disguised love affairs.
- blink and it’s over -

i’ll lie in your lap and watch you write-
spinning fantastical tales of glorious awakenings. new beginnings.-
pull my hair up to attention. i am here. i am wanted. want want grab me.
want//need. clever disguises. silent truths. wispy truths.
childhood pencil marks. pig tail sneakers.

truth drops into heads.
eyes drop onto the floor.
teeth sink into lips.
heart drops into stomach.
limbs fold over limbs and the being falls slowly upon itself.
when i wasn’t mine.
she wanted me more than she could stand. stabbed me with a ******* pencil. made my heart drop into my ******* stomach.

-  weak -

9 pm terribly.
this lump in my throat.

2:30 pm.
this lump in my throat.
icicle grass cracked beneath my feet.
i wanted to take off my boots and feel the ice between my toes.

- weaker -

4 pm.
heavyheadedheavyeyed after work.
missed. wished i could call.
but my fingers were too cold to find my phone.
ran home so i could feel my heart pumping rough against my chest again.

- weakest -

9 am.
snowing nightmares outside.
i'll walk naked in the white streets.
feel each snowflake melt on my ice body.
lie in glass grass and laugh at my teary cheeks.
pink. flushed.

where did she go off to?

everyone is full of ****.
we are all just out for ourselves,
or out to please.

he scratches down her side.
digs his nails into the softness there.
kisses her freckles like lips could make flowers grow from the tiny dots that she calls home.
so she closes her eyes.
takes in the touch.

kisstouchteasefuckmoanfffffff
she lies her head on the cold pillow and slows her heartbeat.
thud… deep breath… thud… deep breath.
he whispers for her to come back.
get out of your head, he says. pulls her closer.
but she is too far gone in the memories of his lips kissing her freckles like flowers instead of ticking time bombs that are set to explode at any minute
and she is tired.
grown weak from the nights she spent dreaming of the nights she is spending.
here. with him. like this.

never in the present. this pretty princess decorates her castle walls with roses from the past.

but he is happy.
he is happy and he is important.
to himself,
and to those around him.
asks me the same question,
but i do not yet know the answer.

i sat alone in his kitchen this morning listening to the pop of ready toast from the toaster and loud rap music blasting from a car driving by.
the bread smells like something i should eat but i think i'm going to puke.
thoughts i have not yet deconstructed pushing at my pores,
trying to make their escape.
jammed up on the inside of my skin, i'm afraid if i open my mouth they'll all come flying out like caged birds and slam against a window to their death.
so i sit on the cold chair and inhale.
so i sit in his car and stare out the window.

gun trigger
make my flame flicker
quicker baby quicker
i can feel the pressure
pleasure
**** **** oh
make your **** slicker
with my wet
let's make a bet
that we won't stop
until both of us are nothing but sweat
and happiness.

there. i've found it.

happiness -

i find it impossible to write about.

i can write you novels of tear-stained,
skin pulled apart,
slapped, wretched,
numbness-filled prose
complete with vivid descriptions of my madness and my sad.

but describing happiness?
that's like trying to describe your favorite song.
or the feeling you get when you just wake up and the pressures of the world haven't reached you yet.
maybe that's what happiness is.
that moment.
or maybe it's the moment you told me you loved me.
or maybe it was two days later when i finally realized it.

maybe it's listening to Jack White on full volume on the warmest day of winter on the front porch smoking a cigarette and yelling out every word I know.
and every word i don't.

slam slap
finger clicking
- anxious -
soul bird
tap tap tap
red fingerprints
bass drum thud thud
is someone there??
banging on my heart
rope redemption
tie me up let me be
cold hearted
with a loss of direction
come ask me questions
i'll pretend to know what to say

jesus ******* christ
you are not in control
you are not in control of me
YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT>>???

YOU ARE NOT >>> NO

oh master please set me free

upside down mess
what can you ask from me
i am just pale skin and weak bones
sinewy tissues covering soft muscle
treat me like a child
protect this castle
no princess protects herself
guard!
help. help. help me>!!?

catch me like a burning ember.
let me burn you black.

put your hand inside my dark
she relates to me and i relate to him and he relates to her
boom
- connections -

she said **** 14 and a half times--
i didn't let her get through the last--
honey, i'm not modest
but you sure know how to get me flustered.

could you help me understand?
red kiss lips linger
hands down stars shine
raw grab blush sweaty

could you deconstruct me
into your preconceived categories
do i fit
am i small enough
will you make me?

~~

i give him a hard time
i give him a *******
i am not easy to take
you do not get to swallow me quick like a pill
i am a razor blade pointed oddity
grab you by your neck and make you listen
throw passive aggressive intimacies in your face
need 2 hours of cuddling after being ******* for 2 minutes

i don't trust but i've been trusting

- paper thin skin -

I was born in December
with hair black as the night sky
and skin white as the moon
so my mother named me Deana.

nostalgic rants? oh, how original.
- i miss baths. my playground.
- not having a single trace of nicotine in my body.
- being tucked in at night.
- You. fuckerrreinogtgjnfjk
i miss you. drinking and galavanting through the city.
following you blindly from bus to bus in a ***-induced happiness.
trust. i miss being close enough to feel your heart beat.
why are you so far away?
i need you.
you feel so close on the phone.
**** distance. take a **** flight from seattle.
i need you here.
where are my cuddles??
dancing. i had such a purpose with each sway of my hips.
remember? my hips could move mountains.
make your mouth drop.

"god, you are so cute."
pavement kisses.

I woke up at 3 am
in a cold sweat
feeling the lack of you everywhere.
the hands of your shadow grasping my heart.
pumping it into the oblivion of the night.

portraiture.
sweet tooth.
rotting away my teeth.
bitter aftertaste.
indulgence. indulge me.
inhale decadence.
exhale toxins.
cleanse deep.
she knows. she knows. he does too.
but he always did.
new to the game.
red lipstick razor blade.
cut you open. let you spill your guts to me.
incorrect patchworks.
inaccurate intricacies.
spillage on highway 505
where we left our beating, ****** hearts.
lit up with gasoline wine.
fast ignition on a mission.

for your neck.
failed wreck.

quick to jump
quick to feel
it's all split-second
decisions on ****** positions
at 3 am.
practicing submission in the
mirror of an alleyway.
broken.
shattered premonitions.

c r a v e  m e

do you. do any of you.
feel me. in your bloodstreams.?
knocking the wind out of your precious and
dying lungs.
pumping your hearts.
crave me? do you?
deliciously uninterested.
shards in my throat.
interesting personality attraction.
follow me now.
to do lists. have done lists.
to get to when i'm sad and bored lists.
check check check

And isn't it funny being alone?
I can never tell if it makes me more depressed or less.
I am the least social butterfly.
Who am I kidding.
I have not yet grown wings.
I am just a caterpillar making my way among the brightly colored orangeredyellow leaves.

I hate and love everything.
And everything I love with a fiery passion, I invariably hate with the same fire for making me feel this much.
******* all.

Every person and thing I have loved:
you have all controlled me.
And that thought in itself is terrifying.
Is it-- was it-- supposed to be that scary?
Am I doing all this wrong? Anyone care to take the wheel for a bit?

I am not an adult.
I will become one once I stop writing love poems.

I am the last bird to fly south for the winter.
I am the last insect to hear the sprinkler system go off. So here I am.

Drowning because I was dreaming.

And I will drown in every last tear I shed.
In every sip of red wine.
Every drop of blood I spill.
And every shower I take to sob quietly and in peace.
I will drown in the plethora of emotions I feel.
I will drown in love and in hate.

Lie me down on cold brick to prove to me how stable I can feel.
Float me along a river with your hands pushing up my back to show me there will always be something keeping me breathing.

remind me remind me remind me remind me remind me remind me remind m e for I will convince myself that I've forgotten.

je ne sais pas quoi dire, mais.

bon.

je suis ouverte. je suis là. je suis morte.

je suis qui je suis, et vous ne me comprenez pas. alors... merde.

__
translated:

I don't know what to say but.

ok.

I am open. I am here. I am dead.

I am who I am, and you all do not understand me. so... ****.

i am trying to stay closer to the ground
clip the string that keeps my heart flying in the clouds
come back here, silly fool.
there are bags of rice attached to the soles of my feet
they've been weighing me down for quite some time
i am living both in the clouds and sinking into the earth.
i have found no balance.

to the core of my bones,
in their very marrow,
there is an ache that will not quit.
there is a longing for something more.
more more more than what i have
more always more
but more of what, i haven't a clue.

i need to learn to fall.
and then to get right back up.
instead i am lying here bruised and battered still fighting the battles that are long over
the soldiers have all gone home to their beautifulwivesbeautifulchildren

i am sitting here alone in this field
with tall grass that will soon blanket me and empty bullet shells.
and i will lie here. until the white winter comes and covers me as well
only to be found in the springtime by a pair of wandering lovers.

the slow kisses that turn into hot breaths exhaled into each other's throats
biting at your lips thinking i can pull out your words. stuck in your head. with the blood i draw
the marks i make are war wounds, baby, and i am proud of each vessel i pop
purple looks good on you. what a ******* color.

beat beat through the silences and internalizations. the anger and the insecurities.
******* trample that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like you are nothing but the skin on your stomach.
you are not just the skin and tissue and chub on your stomach.

lovely, you are more than your stomach. and your ray bans. and your binder that does such a good job at pushing in what is unwanted and pushing out the breath from your lungs-- your very sustenance.
my dear, you are more than your eyeliner, or lack thereof.

you are more than the way you ****** me last night. and this morning.

pretty ,darling boy. i want more slow kisses that turn into hot breaths. more lip bites drawing enlightenment. blood slicking the tips of my fingers from exploring.

i want morning breath dreams still entwined with your exhale onto my neck. bickering mom and daddy.
who knew we had voices other than moans. who knew gender theories would cross our lips and *** analyses would be common car topics.
the "fffffffff" you make in bed also start the sentences of your fury. yelling at the gas station ****** who misgenders you.

******* *******, I JUST WANT MY **** CIGARETTES.

it's this passion, baby
passion gets old
it gets tired and
i, i, i feel tired. the lights are beginning to blur out of focus. i haven't felt much like myself lately. oh dear, where've i wandered off to again?

please. please take this squishy heart out of my soft chest.
i am so tired of its incessant beating. i try telling it to calm down and it never really listens. stupid thing.
please oh please take this anxious brain out of my heavy head.
i am exhausted from the way it tears me down. tears me to shreds. makes me cry.
everything inside me is against me.

if i could wish for one thing
it would be to stop feeling
for just one second.
i am so tired of feeling every little thing. every silent second.
every tick of the clock. empathy is not what i signed up for. get it out get it out

but when i feel everything i want numbness and when i'm numb i want to feel it all and i am never content with my lot and i think far too much and yes yes i have already thought that out and yes it ended badly for me it always does and yes i have thought about that too and yes it ended with me on the floor and won't you just turn my ******* brain off won't you just make it stop i don't want to feel any more i am so tired of feeling everything i need to make it all stop i just want to be numb to it all i don't want to feel i don't want to feel and i feel like a child

and what do i feel before i fall asleep?
all the what ifs and could've beens that drive me to insanity.

step step step
into this ethereal wonderland
with a guiding hand
step     step     s t e p
but alas, i have fallen and there is no branch to help me up.
where have you gone, strong tree?
where are you? i still have pieces of your bark wedged beneath my fingernails.
what have you done, gorgeous creature, to feel so ashamed?
there is moss growing on my skin from the places you touched me.
i fear my mind will water it all. i fear i'll soon turn green, darling tree.
but where have you gone to, you lovely giant?
i was so used to leaning against your cold, dark body. scratching at your fault lines.
please come back, kind heart. i miss the bruises i'd get climbing you.
you were rough to me. you were so gentle.
i liked the way your leaves gently brushed against my naked skin, raising goosebumps along my thighs. i liked the way that same pale skin got rubbed by your bark and scratched up.
adrenaline pounding through my heart as i'd get higher and higher.
come back, you stupid, beautiful tree. my only stability.

at night before i fall asleep, i feel you touching me
and everything inside me starts to burn.

we feel everything
the most bitter
to the sweetest
take it with my
medicine that i
won't take.

should not could not
turn off the light
turn on the lava lamp
make my world pink
continue to feel everything darling
because we are nothing without
our passion
nothing without our hungry eyes
our starving lips

oh my god i really…
really what, my dear?
want to jump into a pile of
snow to simmer down?
cold shower? or just a pair of hands upon your head

i will pull your hair. i will soothe you.