And isn't it funny being alone?
I can never tell if it makes me more depressed or less.
I am the least social butterfly.
Who am I kidding.
I have not yet grown wings.
I am just a caterpillar making my way among the brightly colored orangeredyellow leaves.

I hate and love everything.
And everything I love with a fiery passion, I invariably hate with the same fire for making me feel this much.
******* all.

Every person and thing I have loved:
you have all controlled me.
And that thought in itself is terrifying.
Is it-- was it-- supposed to be that scary?
Am I doing all this wrong? Anyone care to take the wheel for a bit?

I am not an adult.
I will become one once I stop writing love poems.

I am the last bird to fly south for the winter.
I am the last insect to hear the sprinkler system go off. So here I am.

Drowning because I was dreaming.

And I will drown in every last tear I shed.
In every sip of red wine.
Every drop of blood I spill.
And every shower I take to sob quietly and in peace.
I will drown in the plethora of emotions I feel.
I will drown in love and in hate.

Lie me down on cold brick to prove to me how stable I can feel.
Float me along a river with your hands pushing up my back to show me there will always be something keeping me breathing.

remind me remind me remind me remind me remind me remind me remind m e for I will convince myself that I've forgotten.

je ne sais pas quoi dire, mais.

bon.

je suis ouverte. je suis là. je suis morte.

je suis qui je suis, et vous ne me comprenez pas. alors... merde.

__
translated:

I don't know what to say but.

ok.

I am open. I am here. I am dead.

I am who I am, and you all do not understand me. so... ****.

i am trying to stay closer to the ground
clip the string that keeps my heart flying in the clouds
come back here, silly fool.
there are bags of rice attached to the soles of my feet
they've been weighing me down for quite some time
i am living both in the clouds and sinking into the earth.
i have found no balance.

to the core of my bones,
in their very marrow,
there is an ache that will not quit.
there is a longing for something more.
more more more than what i have
more always more
but more of what, i haven't a clue.

i need to learn to fall.
and then to get right back up.
instead i am lying here bruised and battered still fighting the battles that are long over
the soldiers have all gone home to their beautifulwivesbeautifulchildren

i am sitting here alone in this field
with tall grass that will soon blanket me and empty bullet shells.
and i will lie here. until the white winter comes and covers me as well
only to be found in the springtime by a pair of wandering lovers.

the slow kisses that turn into hot breaths exhaled into each other's throats
biting at your lips thinking i can pull out your words. stuck in your head. with the blood i draw
the marks i make are war wounds, baby, and i am proud of each vessel i pop
purple looks good on you. what a ******* color.

beat beat through the silences and internalizations. the anger and the insecurities.
******* trample that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like you are nothing but the skin on your stomach.
you are not just the skin and tissue and chub on your stomach.

lovely, you are more than your stomach. and your ray bans. and your binder that does such a good job at pushing in what is unwanted and pushing out the breath from your lungs-- your very sustenance.
my dear, you are more than your eyeliner, or lack thereof.

you are more than the way you ****** me last night. and this morning.

pretty ,darling boy. i want more slow kisses that turn into hot breaths. more lip bites drawing enlightenment. blood slicking the tips of my fingers from exploring.

i want morning breath dreams still entwined with your exhale onto my neck. bickering mom and daddy.
who knew we had voices other than moans. who knew gender theories would cross our lips and *** analyses would be common car topics.
the "fffffffff" you make in bed also start the sentences of your fury. yelling at the gas station ****** who misgenders you.

******* *******, I JUST WANT MY **** CIGARETTES.