it's this passion, baby
passion gets old
it gets tired and
i, i, i feel tired. the lights are beginning to blur out of focus. i haven't felt much like myself lately. oh dear, where've i wandered off to again?

please. please take this squishy heart out of my soft chest.
i am so tired of its incessant beating. i try telling it to calm down and it never really listens. stupid thing.
please oh please take this anxious brain out of my heavy head.
i am exhausted from the way it tears me down. tears me to shreds. makes me cry.
everything inside me is against me.

if i could wish for one thing
it would be to stop feeling
for just one second.
i am so tired of feeling every little thing. every silent second.
every tick of the clock. empathy is not what i signed up for. get it out get it out

but when i feel everything i want numbness and when i'm numb i want to feel it all and i am never content with my lot and i think far too much and yes yes i have already thought that out and yes it ended badly for me it always does and yes i have thought about that too and yes it ended with me on the floor and won't you just turn my ******* brain off won't you just make it stop i don't want to feel any more i am so tired of feeling everything i need to make it all stop i just want to be numb to it all i don't want to feel i don't want to feel and i feel like a child

and what do i feel before i fall asleep?
all the what ifs and could've beens that drive me to insanity.

step step step
into this ethereal wonderland
with a guiding hand
step     step     s t e p
but alas, i have fallen and there is no branch to help me up.
where have you gone, strong tree?
where are you? i still have pieces of your bark wedged beneath my fingernails.
what have you done, gorgeous creature, to feel so ashamed?
there is moss growing on my skin from the places you touched me.
i fear my mind will water it all. i fear i'll soon turn green, darling tree.
but where have you gone to, you lovely giant?
i was so used to leaning against your cold, dark body. scratching at your fault lines.
please come back, kind heart. i miss the bruises i'd get climbing you.
you were rough to me. you were so gentle.
i liked the way your leaves gently brushed against my naked skin, raising goosebumps along my thighs. i liked the way that same pale skin got rubbed by your bark and scratched up.
adrenaline pounding through my heart as i'd get higher and higher.
come back, you stupid, beautiful tree. my only stability.

at night before i fall asleep, i feel you touching me
and everything inside me starts to burn.

we feel everything
the most bitter
to the sweetest
take it with my
medicine that i
won't take.

should not could not
turn off the light
turn on the lava lamp
make my world pink
continue to feel everything darling
because we are nothing without
our passion
nothing without our hungry eyes
our starving lips

oh my god i really…
really what, my dear?
want to jump into a pile of
snow to simmer down?
cold shower? or just a pair of hands upon your head

i will pull your hair. i will soothe you.

I think trees.
they are stable yet they break, and with that, they ****.
they will hold up a building//\
until a strong wind comes and pushes its stability. the stable ground it relied on.

I think sky.
strong, stubborn, constant.
yet so often it cracks.
have you heard a thunderstorm?
felt the vibration in your bones.
have you seen the lightning?
sometimes it gets to be too much.
to absorb all the hopes of naive girls
wishing away loneliness.
sometimes the scissors make an appearance.
huge ****** light streaks across the vastness
bringing with each strike relief

je pense à l'amour.
mais c'est le moins permanente de tous.

everything i rely on is a falsity. every stableness is a lie.

i can sit at the level of the tree tops
but don't let me get any higher
that is where i'll fall.

I want opinion. I want to fight.
I want. I want. I want.
To matter.
Silence is a piercing shriek. A deafening blow.
I don’t know how to handle it.

longing leaves my fingernails
as swiftly as it came
because he no longer
touches me.
turned off i am a light
turn on the dimmer
dim the lights
make me brighter
with the neglect
of your smile.

inspiration flows
through my irises and past my lashes
my heels have prepared
for a new stride

i feel alive

life
in his arms
is different.
./


now