I am so cautious
and reckless at the same time.

I give little
pieces of myself to strangers
every day
swift glances
quick pauses
in which the other
person becomes
quickly informed of my
inadequacies.

I stutter. I have
so many words running
fast to the front of
my mind that
i can never quite
think of which
i want to vocalize
first.

i bite my lip to
stop the jumble
from overflowing.

i am afraid that i'm
a tower.
so tall and mighty
with power
until one brick
crumbles
and i become nothing
but debris.

so put together
yet falling apart
i am ever so tumultuous
with my aquarius
and emotional
with cancer
forever organizing the two
with my capricorn.
i am within my signs
and my signs are within me.

so i dive as far as i can go in my ocean
and i sit on this bed
and think of all the things i
left unsaid
and feel those words
pounding their way in my head
trying to burst through the dam.

there is a fist in my head
punching out my tears
and it is ruthless--
i am being abused from
the inside out.
i've lost count of the bruises
on the insides of my skin.
i can't quite make out the scars
from within.

but i've got russian skin
and it hides everything so
well
i am quite difficult to read
i've been told
and i find it impossible
to express these bruises
and scars

- i feel stuck -
unable to express
and unable to be understood.
in a glass box
pushing at the walls
begging the surrounding
strangers to understand
pleading with myself to
learn the skills of communication
quick before the crowd
disappears.

i am a patchwork of
nerves and anxiety.
i've got beauty sewn through
my veins
and a wall
sewn thickly around my heart.

conversations had
at the dinner table at
8 pm.
polite curiosity
gentle pushes

my friend has 4 grandsons
who are all around your age.

mom stop. they're looking for brides.she's not ready.

hmm. perhaps. i am
not ready
not only
because i am young
but also perhaps.
perhaps
because i am
with someone.
yes his name she is lovely
the death glare comes from mama bear
nothing will be said
don't worry this secret will fester within this body--
it will stay contained until it
bursts open from its own box--
because protection is required
for the bravest of minds
fooling the ones we love
oh aren't we all too familiar
with this little game

but the ones i love the very most
grandma grandma grandpa
who are shielded from me
as if i am a deadly disease
too strong for their weak bones


you. who gazed in awe upon the ink
on my skin. you.
you who caressed my weary head until it dropped onto
your pillow. you who told me stories of pirates and
princesses.
you.
you are who i will never disclose to.
you are who i must shield. and bite my lip
to stop the tears.

you. you all are my lifeblood. my only loves.
and i can not bear bestowing this pain
upon your intelligible souls. i am selfish.
so very very selfish. but this is love.

and love is selfish.

you are all i want to write about
you are all i seem to be able to write about
that is simple
you are simple
(yet so complex? we are so
complex?)?
yet everything is simplified
with you
with us
i can ramble
will you stop
me can you stop me
stop me before i keep talking
talking with my big small mouth
i won't shut up baby
stop me before it's too late
you are all i want to write about
you are all i want to write about
baby baby i can't stop can't you
see i'm on a role here baby you are all i want
you are all i want to to to write about about about
a
b
out.
i like simple
simple is nice for a change
i have dealt with mazes and
puzzles too big for my brain
too long for my patience
all of which led to dead ends
but you are no large
scary
puzzle
you are complex
yet simple
you are epic
and beautiful
and i want to get to know the insides of your mind
and i want to get to know you
more
more
more
ramble
more
you are all
that i seem
you are all that i seem
to think about