I listened to every voicemail she sent me
I heard us deteriorate through the months
and it was
too
much.

Fresh laundry
***** combat boots
Grey ripped jeans
Dark honey eyes
You got a tattoo?? That's so cool
Looking up to you
Listening to every word
Your girlfriend?? Oh… your girlfriend… well, kind of… you know how that goes...
No chance
upset
crying
all alone
You call
Heart beats
Veins jump
Panic
Hi
I miss you
Pulse quickens
You… you do?
Butch
My introduction.
My undoing.
My torture.
But… but you're a girl…
Confusion.
So
much
confusion.
Hatred.
Can't tell mom.
You.
Butch
blonde
soft brown eyes
warm
like dark honey
mysterious
what are you?
who are you?
what are you doing to me?
dreams
indescribable
wake up
soaking wet
you do strange things to my head
I reach down
feels sticky
rubbing
you
you
butchandblonde
and brown eyed
doe eyed
hands moving faster
you
***** combat boots
ripped jeans
you
fresh laundry
tattoos
mindfuck
feel it building
waves through me
you
pushing into me
shaking
fingers lost
you
scream too loud
thank god no one's home
lying there for hours
heavy breathing
youyouyouyou
butchandblonde

You wore a black, soft North Face jacket and now everyone who wears one is you.
And anyone who wears any flannel.
Or perhaps has long, dark brown hair.
Ripped jeans.
Grey tank top.
*****, worn combat boots.
They are a heart attack and a heartache.
They're a shot of adrenaline and a longing sadness.
A spit in the face and an encouraging nod.
And of course I can not get away because they surround me.
You surround me.
Yet you're not here.
So all their faces blur into the back of my mind to create a sewn up, ratty, old you.

This is better than being alone.

one pair of sweet lips,
wishing they could be tucked over mine
two engaging eyes,
ones i can never look away from
wishing to keep them matching my gaze
one nose,
perfectly complementary to the outline of my face
when you come close
so come close
closer
so much closer.

Close enough so I can smell you
your soft, warm, comforting, **** smell which I crave too often
Close enough so I can feel the warmth of your body on mine
Lying here with me, nothing exists but you and I,
The warmth of my blankets couldn't compare to the fire burning in your eyes
touch me. hold me. feel me.
feel us, entangled, intertwined, naked, warm.
nothing between us.
no barriers.
no clothes.
no phones.
nothing.
skin on skin.
*warmth.

I've never believed anyone when they've told me I'm beautiful.
Not once.
But when you said it
I absorbed the compliment
Instead of throwing it away.
I let it sink in
And make me feel good for once.
You had a way...
A way of getting under my skin in the very best way.