Dear you, From me: In case we should ever meet.
You have lived in my mind now for almost half my life. When we first met I hardly knew myself, but still through my thoughts you crept; filling up the empty crevices, at times pinching and tugging on nerves and synaptic connections till I fell to my knees and wept. You didn't know then, but you also helped me collect inspiration and hope. Never mind the loneliness you caused inside and the occasional neglect. You got to know me in ways that still don't make any sense. Like, how on earth could you ever know that the thought of ever losing you made my heart full of dread and tense.
You moved me in ways that I will not soon forget. Like that time my thoughts grew dark and grim: when I thought all hope was lost, was lost in life without any sense of how to cope, and then there you were perched upon a patch of white warm sand, directions in hand: A beacon sword of diamond light parrying the vast darkness of the open seas. Still though, it was just a hand. Back then you seemed so far away and hidden above sight that even through my periscope I could not make out your face on land.
I do admit, I was an ungrateful man. I never truly thanked you for what you had done, in fact, all I recall ever doing is scolding you for the tangle of webs I had spun: always questioning why things were so bad and what I had done to deserve it. You though, you never lost faith, you never once asked to see my face. You just were. You were there on sleepless nights to step out from the recesses of my mind to run your fingers through waves of my disconsolate curly hair. Thank you for that, thank you for teaching me about compassion and humility, about honor and commitment, for showing me how to give hope and find strength. Thank you for not taking it easy on me. I was mad at you then for the swells of tears that made my pillow colder at night, for that sense of falling, for that black-hole you put in the pit of my abdomen after telling me you'd be with someone else tonight. For taking control over my body and mind and willing it to do things I had never done before in my life.
It's still strange for me to think of how someone I had never met could affect so much change in me. Truthfully, you may be responsible for every ounce of good in me, but I also credit you with being the cause for some of the bad as well. Now that I know you better than before, I am comfortable with being honest in telling you what and who you are to me, what you've meant all this time, what you've been. You are the double edged sword that protects and defends me: A will and testament of steel forged in fire and ice, hardened and tempered through the passage of time. With a razor's edge, hand in hand, both you and I conquer all enemies, but when either of us grow tired or weak it is our blood that is drawn out of fear or jealousy.
I laugh now because even when you cut me deep you always find a way back inside, always know a remedy. You have a resolve no one can resist. I guess that is why it's always you that I miss, always your face I lose but then find in mirrors, in strangers, in grocery lines. It must also be the reason for your commitment to infidelity, and why everyone who knows you must have you. It gives light to the nights you slip out from beneath my covers to lay with as many others as you can. Somehow though, you always find a way to make your seductive conquest be okay; it is okay and I don't mind it. All I ask is that you come to visit more often and stay a little longer. I'd be lying if I said that I'm okay without you, but you have taught me patience if anything and gratitude, and I cherish every moment we spend together and am becoming more understanding when I see you with someone else. All I ask is that you don't rub it in my face, and now since I've seen yours you seem to want to change it every time you come back. Can you stop that? Can you live by me with just one set of eyes? It would mean so much to me if from now on the pale rosy cheeks I kiss belong to the same visage. Whether you do or not though, you continue to be the first and last greatest thing that has ever happened to me. So, just in case we should never meet , or till that day we both patiently seek, for you I write this to read and to hold while I lie asleep.
Sincerely From Me To You,
My Sweet Mystique