it's a beautiful day outside
the sun is lilting over the trees
those weird fuzzy seeds
that get up your nose
whisping through the air
the manicured grass
glinting
i'd go out
and enjoy it all
if i weren't so
ugly inside
today

I wish I could show you true beauty
to put a frame to what eyes behold.
I wish I could trace your outline
          touch your details
                    brush your shadows
Cutting stone to your remarkable mold.

I wish I could stop time with a pencil
to frame unintentional glory
to capture you, modest
          tranquil
                    serene
Making seconds outlast eternity.

I wish I could capture these moments
these pauses so precious to me
Instants of awe and breathless watching
painting to memory what I perceive.

So brief are these hallowed moments
and so erratically intermittent
that I find myself hoping
          lingering
                    longing
Forgetting­ the time in between them.

I wish I had the faculty
to contain your gilded beauty.
Instead, I watch, and cherish these moments,
For in them
          I love you
                    and you only.

It's suicide,
to show feelings you hide.

With the words slipping off my tongue,
brushing against strings,
too tightly strung,
a bad melody plays,
and it plays for days.

The melody resonates,
in the ears of the listeners,
but after bouncing around the brain,
exit, stage left,
leaving a mess.

And I am left here,
to pick up the pieces,
of what I fear,
is my heart.

So I hold my heart hostage,
inside the recess of my soul,
in a deep, dark hole,
where no one can find it.

I was 15 years old with trails
of white powder dripping from my nose.
I was 16 and never saw a sober day of my life,
I hid behind bottles of whiskey and ***,
bags of molly, and vials of kitty.
I was 17 and growing tired
of this life.
I was 17 and knew this
wasn’t who I was meant to be.
I was 17 with friends and
a pact to move to California and make
something of ourselves. I was 18
and kicked out of my mothers house.
I was 18 and living with a best friend.
I was 18 and found out they
were doing ****** and ****.
I was 18 and sick of
all the lies so I left.
I moved to Socal where
I surfed couch to couch till I
climbed my way to the Bay area.
I was 19 and lost.
I was 19 and went on a 2 month
road trip with my best friend and a guy who tried to ****** me.
I was 19 and
looking for myself. I made it
to New Orleans and back with only losing myself
more. I was 19 and fell in love
for the first time. I was
20 and met a boy whom I never
sought out to show me how to change myself until he broke my heart for
the very first time. I was
20 years old and let him enter my
tunnel heart   like the yellowbird  he is.
He made it out alive but for a second I didn’t think I would.
I did. I was 20 and
finding myself. I was 20 and getting myself
together after a broken heart.  
I was 20 and I found myself for the first time.
I was 20 and no longer wanted death for my birthday
I am now 21 and fearless.