silence sight
eyelids, translucent
terrestrial extras exhumed
reveling in revival
planting placid plateaued plates
herd-conformity in place of fascism

enter the beast

on the flip side of 50/50
unjust equals harbor resentment
clipping thorns to spite the roses
sunbeams encased and entangled
misguided light
might travel, through night
harrowed neo-liberalism
clusterfucked hippies into redundancy

"can you feel it now? **** im high"

conform to eradicate conformity
individually divided
arguably arrogant
and surely surreal

im the ******* half-breed ******
go ahead and pull the trigger
you cant take my standing vigor
tell me that im just a ******

stop talking
and dig another moat
now tell me, do you need another ******* scapegoat?

yours is big but mine is bigger
if im the grave then you're the digger
so if in this life you're the rigger
then why am i the ******* ******?

scarred markings
assailants i cant see
i took a look up at the sky and then it hit me

con descension ripped us off
little girl has blown her top
herbicide on life's corn crop
i can hear the brain cells pop
life looks good before the drop
wade and wander through the slop
**** yourself to make it stop
quiet, or i'll call the cops

SCAR SCAR SCAR
its your choice, your voice
SCAR SCAR SCAR
invoice for your worldly possessions
SCAR SCAR SCAR
****** you with cold obsession
SCAR SCAR SCAR
draw blood from the warm thighs and cold hands
of little girls

BRUISE SCAR CUT SCAR SCRAPE SCAR SCAR SCAR
look me in the ******* eyes
bleed me a river of *** and tears
DESTROY ME AND YOURSELF
make me your prey
VICTIMIZE ME
VICTIMIZE ME
VICTIMIZE ME

Black sky, open wide
God is dead, crucified
Screaming death, rotten lies
Learning how it feels to die

Dope fiends crawl to ******’s smack
Got my black tar leavin’ tracks
Spoon and needle of the horse
Numb my feelings of remorse

Across your face, the lines entrenched
Secreting corpse, bitter stench
Bleed to death on this park bench
My stomach now begins to wrench

Touch the bruise, lick the wound
Pick the scab, become attuned
There's no need to be afraid
Everyone dies
Anyway

Fill my dreams with tear gas butterflies
Killing queens and monarchs cross-eyed
All I've seen are things you can't hide
Apocalyptic hypno-landslide

Hallelujah
**** the sinner
Don't forget to pray for dinner
Your whole life is in his likeness
At least you know you're dying righteous

Praise the hand that does enslave
Bow down, proclaim, "Jesus saves"
Against my will, I'm taught your ways
Now I decide your judgement day

Antichrist, eclipse the sun
Liberate cerebral function
Hypno-landslide, smoking gun
No masters, gods, or holy son

***** your finger, slit your wrist
Obedience is your weakness
Comply and gain eternal bliss
But kingdoms like this don't exist

im not an artist
a writer
a poet
a musician

****, im not even a person

im everything you've made me out to be

i stand for more than this

i lie down for nothing

Hello, my name is David Phlegmister. I am much too self-aware. I also have no ******* idea who I am. My intestines twist and turn just like yours. I think I must have a pretentiously metaphorical tapeworm. Everything I do or say is backed by either anger or curiosity, and in spite of this I am somehow not in jail. I try too hard. I don't try hard enough. I care too much but I still don't give a ****. I wont tell you I'm hungry even though I havent eaten since yesterday. No, really, it's fine, I'm not hungry.My hands and feet are too big for my body.
Seriously, *******, I'm not ******* hungry
I drink black coffee and smoke cigarettes but I swear to god I'm not an egotistical existentialist. My mom tells me that I'm too skinny but dont worry I'm not hungry. Smells **** me up.
I can still smell your perfume and I can still smell your *****.
Your feelings dont matter because we all die eventually.
Boo hoo, get the **** over it.
Everything you stand for is a lie. God isn't real, your government hates you, status is meaningless.
Jokes on you so **** yourself.
I'm sixteen years old in an Aberdeen-esque hellhole.
I'm a highschool dropout
My old school was a cesspool of AXE body spray and ****** ****.
My friends all want to **** themselves and I don't blame them.
I'm an ******* in my own right, but I don't know about yours.
Im still waiting for someone who doesn't have to fix me to love me.
I whine and ***** about whiney ******* and wonder why I hate myself. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be a ******.
Reality is not, and will not, ever suffice.
It will never satisfy.
Never bring contentedness.
Theres no denying that I will be hooked on whatever unrefined, kidney-****** junk I can get my filthy hands on. Marijuana got boring fast.
I hate routine. I hate sameness. I feel too ******* much so I punish myself for it.

I AM NOT A ******* PIECE OF ART

I'm your aborted ******* son.
My fingernails are too short.
I lie to people who care about me
and I don't know if its for
my sake
or theirs.
I'm the elephant in the room of conservative christian right wing baby boomers.
I CANNOT and WILL NOT do what is expected of me.
I don't fit in.
Thank god.
Don't wanna be a starry eyed, brain dead statistic.
Sometimes I don't sleep on purpose just because I don't deserve to.
I don't owe you a ******* thing. I have nothing to prove and nothing to give.

**IMNOTHUNGRYIMNOTHUNGRYIMNOTHUNGRY

im a second rate ****
down on my luck
teenaged angst hits
with the force of a truck
and i realize
im so ******* contrived
im no good with a pen
theres no light in my eyes
i couldnt care less
how i look, how i dress
but your critical manner
makes you seem so obsessed
just shut the **** up
im down on my luck
and i'll knock you down
with the force of a truck

calloused hearts and bleeding fingers
harmony only achieved by sacrifice
the pure must stain their porcelain shells
and the broken
will scatter the ashes
the springtime brings new birth
as the flowering genesis of uterine obsession
but black boots and harsh words
may destroy this new beginning

in life and death dichotomy
wandering nomadically through purgatory
searching for contentedness
and rejuvenating rebirth
only to find myself further imprinting
old footsteps
from past and present life

look into my eyes
and tell me what you see
now feel the pain from everything
you've ******* done to me
just like a deep sea dive
its a pressure that wont end
if i ever reach the surface
i'll still end up with the bends
i'm drowning in the drink
while i'm choking on the stink
i'm kept up every night
bleeding in the kitchen sink
so every time you see me
passing by from day to day
i hope you recognize my eyes enough
to know i'm not okay

my heart punctured as a foot by broken glass
i reek of dried *** and my own rotting flesh
the scales of mother's womb cool the flaming mold
***** needles filled with rat's ****
picking my fresh scabs from lit cigarettes and pencil sharpeners
my tongue blackened from ink and tobacco
i taste the fungal poison which comes with death
and i sleep in my bed of satin and rusty nails
while tomorrow fills my nightmares
i awake in a puddle of secretion and sweat
breathing death into my lungs
as if welcoming an old friend
one last time

in sadness i find my comfort
the familiarity of sorrow keeps me moving
maybe not at quite as fast a pace
but moving nonetheless

in cigarettes i find my comfort
as i light one after another
remembering how you tasted
when we were addicted to us

in the razor i find my comfort
when the sharp steel blade is pressed to my skin
opening, splitting, cutting, bleeding
i say "you deserve this, you deserve all of this"
i drain my wrists of my sorrows

in violence i find my comfort
i cannot allow myself to display weakness
so i turn my pain and anxiety to blind rage
smashing and splintering and screaming
my knuckles ******* hurt but thats okay

in sadness i find my comfort
its the only thing that's stayed
through it all
just me
my cigarettes
my razor
my violence
and my beautiful, wonderful
sadness

Yeah,
You guessed it,
I ****** up again
But by all means don't
Let me ruin your zen
Cause I'm not like you
Don't do the things you do
Don't ******* resist it
When I say ******* too
The way you live life
It's a pitiful wreck
Yes, I know that I'm different
And I'll break your **** neck
I don't care if your mom
Is a **** and a drunk
I don't care if your dad
Has been gone for 6 months
If you push me around
I'll push you right back
But when you're on the ground
****, you can't take it back

i cant enjoy this
i wish i could

but every time i finish
i wish i had never started

my nail beds
are a bed of nails

****** and painful
and entirely unenjoyable

sometimes when i miss you
i leave red stains on the insides of my sleeves
and hot showers make me flinch
sometimes when i miss you
i lie to myself and say its your fault
that you're not here anymore
sometimes when i miss you
i make myself ******* hate every
ounce
of your *******
being
just so that missing you
doesnt hurt so much

i wish i could have touched you while we were still in love

I hate these ******* walls,
And this floor that wont support me,
Your roof is no shelter,
But an excuse for fascism,
**** your self righteous,
Jesus-*******-Christ

You're a ******* ****,
Wont stop for months,
Force your **** down my throat,
*****, respect me just once,

*******, you're no mother,
You're just more ******* proof;
I'd rather die, freezing
Than live under your roof

my guilt makes you feel guilty
and my pain results in your tears
can i not feel my own emotions
for once?

if i bleed
you bleed

but that's not how i want it

empathy
is no longer empathy
when your wrists bleed
at the sight of mine
stained with crimson

You try to justify
That a high mind
Cant find a way
To understand the pain
Of another

Can't control me with guilt any longer
Because a high mind is no wronger
Than a sober one

If anything
When my brain is chemically altered
I'll have way more ******* sympathy for you

i've lost more people than i realized i had to lose

Your lips taste like cigarettes and your thighs feel like porcelain and I just can't decide which I love more

The smudge of ink that is left when a mistake can't be completely erased
Just another failed attempt
Another rough draft
That's what I am
I think that if someone were to finish erasing
I could be rewritten as something much more beautiful
A better version of me
A better choice of words
Maybe if I could erase myself
You could recreate me more beautifully than this first edition
You could create me with the abundance of loveliness that you hold
Where I am "flawed"
You could write me as "fascinating"
Where I feel "ignored"
You could describe me as "engrossing"
Where I am "alone"
You could instead write "loved"
I want you to change me
Mold me
Shape me
Recreate me
Replace me with a better version of myself

I haven't slept in 24 hours
I'm almost out of cigarettes
My head is ******* pounding
I miss you

Tonight I tell you I’m not worth ****,
Day after day I mope and I sit,
And I think of how ******* disturbed this all is,
Life continues around me, but no, I insist,
That this cynical, worthless, despicable hole,
Is what I've become,
I’m losing my soul,
Each day, a new way, to set the pain still,
Who’s the one with the gun?
I'm the one they should ****,
And I cling to whatever my cold hands can find,
Each morning, another ******* hill to climb
So I smoke it away,
I take to the blade,
I bleed out my sorrows,
Im not ******* okay,
And I just want to die, I wish I would die,
And leave all the struggles and ******* behind,
And you tell me its selfish, it makes me feel worse,
You were my rock, turns out you’re my hearse,
You see scars on my skin, and you tell me to stop,
*******,
You're my reason to put more on top,
You’re so fake,
I don’t care that I “could have it worse”,
Don't disparage my suffering,
I'm left with this curse

Every time I smoke a cigarette,
I imagine that it’s you,
So I can breathe you in,
And taste your soul,
And I blow you out,
Just to long to breathe you in again.

A nagging, stinging hangnail,
A self inflicted pain,
Although, unintentional,
I can't help but complain,
Regretful of my actions,
Blood-rimmed fingers swell,
Though I feel a certain traction,
Toward this pain as well,
Taste buds clothed in nicotine,
I watch the candle burn,
And as the flame,
Extinguished,
Smokes,
I fade away in turn

I'm drenched in the stench of yesterday
And flies circle my head
I'm stale
I'm mouldy
I hold no value
Hair coated in grease
Dirt under my nails
No reason to expell any effort
Laying in self pity and dispair
My scabbed over wrists bring back memories
To last night
Which I still reek of

When you told me which tea was your favourite, I drank it every day and imagined how your lips would taste. When you told me your favourite song, I played it on repeat, wondering exactly what it meant to you. When you told me your favourite colour, I tried to find pieces of you in the sun and the flowers. When you told me you loved me, I tried to find what you could possibly find in me that is in the least bit beautiful.

how can you expect me to believe you
when you tell me im beautiful
when your view of beauty is so clearly skewed
and you dont see the beauty in yourself
dont tell me im beautiful
when your eyes hold a story i could read through and through
but you think that they arent pretty enough
god, please dont ******* tell me im beautiful
when your lips are my ******
and dont tell me im beautiful
when you cant tell it to yourself

Clairvoyance to the point of insanity,
Insistance upon peace of mind,
Look past your charade of vanity,
Its okay to say you're not fine,
You've heard of this thing we call heartache,
Its something you know better than most,
You say it was only a mistake,
But you're crying the tears of a ghost,

I feel the splintering shatter,
my heart breaking as the words leave your mouth,
cutting,
bruising,
burning me,
far worse than I could ever inflict on myself,
eating away at me,
from the inside out,
so I try to release it from me,
by freeing the pain through a **** in my wrist,
knowing that it will never truly leave me,
and awaiting the very next night,
another cut,
another bruise,
another burn,
trying to remove the everlasting pain

In this empty room
Blade in hand
Cold, and numb and senseless
It feels like these walls are my worst enemy
But they've been here since the very beginning
And will be here until the very end

I am sorry
I am apologetic
I am regretful of my actions
I am contrite
I am repentant
I am remorseful
I am compunctious
I am so
so
sorry.

i would very much like to end my life
such simplicity
a shot
a cut
a drink
such a pitiful end to such a pitiful existance

it hurts me eternally to think
that any day you could drop me
just leave
walk away
abandon me
forget me
and it would only take one close look at me
to realize that you could do those things
without the slightest hesitation

it is my everlasting dream to leave this vice i was born into in the most silent and unnoticeable of ways.