Dear Braylin, my dearest sister
never did I think
that you were ever possible
Never did I wonder what'd it be like
to feel your hand wrapped around my finger
Never did I feel strange about leaving to visit my father
Because my little bea,
never did I think that you were ever possible.
I used to be satisfied with our cousins
running around after them like they were little princesses
Only now I see-though I love them without question-
Now I see that they can't compare.
Darling you are beyond any princess that could compare.
I knew from the moment I saw you that you'd be special.
I'd been waiting by those doors for half an hour when I finally saw you
You were screaming and covered in white but I didn't care
I couldn't think
As we all crowded around the window
to watch as my stepfather-your daddy-cleaned you up nice
I felt tears in my eyes, but I pushed them back
when our brother held me for the picture, I wanted to push him away
I was so mad at him
I was mad because I was scared
scared that he would put you down like he does me
I still am
But I won't let you hurt
I'll be there when you cry
I wipe the tears away from your eyes
Eyes that I soon found out were blue- like mine.
Only your's are darker, a deep dark blue like the deep ocean
I could stare at your eyes, your face, your beauty forever.
That's what I thought- the first time I held you
As the tears finally streamed down my face, and everyone laughed
Everyone laughed, but I didn't care for once
All I could think of was the miscarriages that mommy had
So many babies she lost
I had tried to not get my hopes up with you
but my worries were in vain
here you were, sleeping in my arms
they all talked about how I'd gotten you to quiet down
they were impressed
I wasn't very surprised
It seems almost like a common thing now
not that I can calm you down- you're so adorably spoiled-
but that I can connect with you
that you love me
I know you do, like I've never known anything before
never did I imagine that you were possible
but here you are, and here I'll stay
It makes me sad to think, in just four years
I'll have to leave- I've never liked thinking about growing up
but you make it even worse
When I start college, you'll be only four years old
What if I can't always be here?
What if I miss something?
What if you forget me?
Don't ever forget me, Bea.
I'll never forget you, I'm staying strong for you
I'll go out, and live, and make a future for myself
Because I want you to have everything you want in life
and I want to be one to help with that.
Never did I think you were possible
But looking into your deep blue eyes,
I know that anything is possible
I'll prove it.
I'll make me dreams come true
no matter how impossible they seem
We thought you were impossible
now look where we are.
**Nothing is impossible

Since then, I've been better.
Looking back now
I realize just how sad I made myself.
I should have been letting them in
I should have been trying to be happy.
But I realize now that I wanted to feel sad.
Feeling sad, it was my poor excuse at a now.
I wanted to be something, so I became a monster.
Only it was too late that I realized I always have been.
Now that I'm letting them in,
I feel happy.
I feel slightly less lonely.
Slightly
There are still those days,
when too many things are running through my head.
All I can think is, "get your razor."
And I'll wait, until it's dark in my room,
until the sun has gone down.
It doesn't happen as much anymore.
They help......my friends.
Friends that I was keeping at a distance before,
Afraid that they'd leave as soon as I let them in.
But they're still here, they're still the same.
Only now there's less hurt.
Before it was hurt, witty words and playful fists.
Empty threats and I hate you's.
Now we have more hugs,
because I finally hugged back.
And she was so surprised.
Now he smiles at me, and I feel butterflies.
But I also feel shame.
Because he used to belong to her.
Even before he did.
They were best friends for years, she'd loved him....
Does she Love him still?
Do I?
Because naturally, as soon as one problem is resolved,
Another must come.