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in the dark all alone
fingers weak trembling
to light a flame
so he can smoke
lips on paper
fire in his face
he inhales once more
drawing the fire closer
paper disappearing
muscles relaxing
the plant spreads
through his body
in his lungs
hardened from cigarettes
through his blood it creeps
quietly rapidly
with out a peep
the room hazy
distorted
he is relaxed
until the drug wears off
roll lick light
another cycle
repeated twice more
a sound breaks the silence
the door opens
in the gap a silohuette
short
daddy
it cries
the smoker turns away
as the door closes

the next day
with pockets empty he weeps
a child on his leg
no more
no more
a different life he needs
a person he wants
girlfriends, pets, kids
his wife
have all left

in his house alone
fingers weak trembling
to press the trigger
and an angel speaks
No
No
it cant be
what could god want with me
a loner an addict
a failure

his mother speaks
floating above him
no my son
you can be good
try
let it escape
and he tries and fails
repeating what he did before
gun in hand he cries
with his heart
his mind
his soul
his mothers face
the last thing he sees
despaired, she turns away
biting his tongue
fire in his face
he inhales the lead
and an angel cries
its long but please read it and tell me what you think
For when the words pile out
ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1
you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends
you
i haven't written in forever, and it's not because I don't remember how, but because it pains me to think of you.
you - a spoke on my wheel of life, threatening to break on some days and permanently attached on other days
you - a fire burning, relying on the splinters you tear off from my love
you - evanescent, quaking, waiting for me to change pace
you - a pair of goggles sinking to the bottom of a pool because you are passing out of sight
you - that empty medicine cabinet I open at midnight to find that I've finished every last anti-depressant and the only thing left is my sadness staring me in the face.
raw and breaking
The wind swept across sheering dunes of white sand
the way certain kinds of dancers sway
like flames
The way young children often play
free of their father’s shame

It filled his lungs with the fire of his innocence
and the longer he inhaled the larger he grew
no sooner had he rivaled mountains
did he hear the cries of his former self
this being bound in chains spoke thus

Be wary Apricus,
many great men have had their heads over hills
and their fates delivered them to the stake.
Are you willing to burn, to crumble into ash
and return to the dirt of mother earth
for all that you believe?


Broken by doubt,
the mountain becomes a man again
but the heart of a giant still swelled inside of him
It raged against his fragile frame like a violent slave
until it grew weary of its own restless thunder
and there it sunk into the deep,
the deep frore of a wintry slumber

Sleep for now my lively child
for the hearts of giants reside inside of all men
but first they must learn to love themselves
before the giants can walk the earth again
I originally wrote this work in 2012. I envisioned it as a piece of a larger body of work surrounding my original protagonist, Apricus a Gypsy Poet who wanders and talks with people of life and philosophy. Think Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" or Friedrich Nietzsche's "Thus Spoke Zarathustra". This poem was submitted to several poetry contests with no accolades being bestowed upon it but I still consider it one of my best works. Thank you for reading.
I hate everything I write
I hate every word
every rhyme
I hate all of it
and secretly I want you
to hate me too
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