i want to drink myself into a place no one can reach me
i want the room to spin so i can sit still and feel the world moving and cracking and tectonic plates shifting beneath my feet
i want to dance to music i don't like when i'm sober
i want to feel as beautiful as i feel when i'm drunk every day
i want to drink until all i am left with is empty cups and happy hiccups and i want to call my exes and tell them how lucky they were to have me and how bad timing was never a good excuse
i want to wrap a telephone cord around my fingers and then my body and i want to feel electricity in my hands and i want the world to spin because i tell it to

i'm going to start a calvary of all the people you've abandoned on your quest for "self-discovery"
a ****** bandcamp demo ep isn't going to make you any less miserable, babe, i can almost promise you that
all the validation in the world isn't going to undo your damage on the people that you left more broken then when you found them
i'm still too scared to talk to your best friend because our common denominator left us high and dry but i'm sure we've both been trying to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of you leaving us
it's been over a year and i'm still reeling from our last conversation because i have always tried to ignore the inevitable
and call me delusional for thinking that maybe it wasn't my fault

what the **** are you supposed to do when the ghosts of 222 reasons plaster themselves to your bedroom walls and fill your head with all the other 222+ reasons it's all your fault?
how does it make any sense that i have to live in the spaces you broke my heart over and over every day and you got to take a train and leave it all behind
i haven't written a poem in years that didn't ask desperate questions or consist of a thousand different apologies, and with that, i ask you "were you ever really sorry?"

i am the 1 am drunk text
i am the family pictures popping up on  your newsfeed
i am the polaroid at the bottom of your desk drawer
i am the modern baseball song that you can't seem to skip
i am the candy wrappers in your car door
i am the cd stuck in your car radio that is just me singing a song i never should have written for you
i am the way a dorm room bed is always just big enough
i am the draft of a poem that was never just right

and

you are the space between the lines of the poems that aren't fixing anything
you are the dried up corsage in the back of my closet
you are the third step on the stairs into the basement where i swear i can still see stains of mascara on the carpet from november 8, 2015
you are the post card i never sent
you are the post card i sent but never should have
you are the phone calls i can't make
you are the nightmares i have where we are both running from something not clear to us


now that i've set the scene are you sure you want to delete your audition tape?
are you sure that your first try was good enough?

i'm in a long-term relationship with my depression
and she's a ******* jealous *****
i'm sorry that sometimes three's a crowd but she is the one constant in my life and i'm terrified of the sadness ending because then who am i?

i will never be able to find solace in substance the way you helped yourself cope with the loss of us long before you had your feet out the door
there is no possible articulation that i can find myself capable of that would make you understand what it is like to lose you
i was stuck in an infinite loop of the same words over and over again telling me that i could have done something, that it was all my fault, and that my love was not enough
my love was more than enough!!

sorry that almost everything i've ever written has been about you but really i've always been one to get hung up on the bad things
maybe the reason i can't shake you from me is that i can't possibly wrap my head around the fact that the person i was in love with no longer exists and that this new man that has taken his place is just wearing his skin and i never got to have a proper funeral for the boy you used to be