Tough girl isn't afraid of much
Tough girl is strong
And brave
Tough girl has mastered the art of apathy
The science of not giving a ****
She is confident
And swift
Tough girl has trained herself not to care
Walks with confidence
Keeps her head up
She is a whirlwind of resilience
Withstanding each disaster
Every hurricane
She refuses to let the world break her down
Her skin
Is a combination of metals
Her smile, a shield
Bone made of iron
She is incapable of corrosion
Her heart always guarded
She is unbreakable
Knows how to put up a fight
And win
She doesn't give in
And no matter how hard people try
To bring her down
She doesn't let them get to her
But I
Am not her
Our resemblance is uncanny
And I have the ability to pretend
To fake a sense of pride long enough to believe it
A concoction of false courage
And intimidation
But she
Is not me
Tough girl is everything I have ever tried to be
Having spent hours practicing blank stares
And learning how to walk
Like the ground below you isn't breaking
Trying to breathe like there isn't a storm building within
Resistance is a skill I have spent forever trying to build
But I am not solid
I am not tough
I am softness that wears rough around the edges
A jacket built of barriers
With barbed wire skin
All of this protection
And I somehow still manage
To frequently break open
I am not a super hero
I can barely save myself
Let alone anyone else
And as much as I wish I was
I am not tough girl
As much as we look alike
As similar as we seem
I am not she
I care too much
Think too deeply
And love too passionately
But I'm starting to realize
That maybe
It's not such a bad thing
Maybe the girl
I've been trying to be all along
Is not as put together as she seems
Those who appear fine
Are often the ones coming apart at the seams
I may not be tough girl
But I can still make believe.

Sometimes it's okay
To say

"The world is too much
For me today
But I will try
Again
Tomorrow."

You cannot love
Two people at once
Even if they are on opposite sides
Of the country
Even if one is on the west coast
And the other is on the east
It still isn't possible
Eventually you will mix feelings like liquor
Forgetting how many shots of promise you've offered to each
How many times you've poured their glasses half empty
It is reckless behavior
That never ends well
Only in sickness and a headache in the morning

You cannot care
For two souls equally
It is not fair
To separate passion in half
When it is only meant to be given as a whole
And one will surely sense the uneven in the balance
Like a sinking boat with a crack in the base
Water flows to a side and leaves the other drowned
Gasping for air
For some sense of meaning
The sea is too dangerous to dive directly in
And it's impossible to be everybody's saviour
So don't promise rescue
To both
When you only have one flotation device

You cannot hold
Two hearts together
At the same time
Your hands are not big enough
They are too clumsy to balance the weight of disappointment
And theirs will be heavy when your shaking fingers release them
Dropping everything you've attempted to fit inside
Disaster will takeover
A hurricane of hurt will rush in
Leaving you empty and barren
With open palms
You will regret not holding on to one thing tightly
Instead you chose to grab on to two
And ended up with neither
That's what you get
For choosing quantity over quality
For stuffing your arms with more than you could carry
You get nothing
In return for greed.

I haven't slept in three days
There's a hole in my sheets
I still love you like an incurable virus

I cannot be sure
That your hands
Will be able
To wipe the uncertainty from my eyes
Do not know
If your lips will taste of promise
Or let down
Wonder
If trust
Will feel complacent
In your arms
But I
Am lending myself enough room
To find out
I am
Replacing stability
With risk
Placing hope
Over experience
With the intent
That
It will word
I do not know
If the outcome
Will be
As expected
But I am willing
To take
Your word.

The last time I ever saw you
We were sitting on the living room couch
You had a Taylor Swift album in your hand and
you were telling me how much you liked her music
A strange thing for me to remember, maybe,
but I do.

I wanted to dedicate that song to you but
I didn't know how to without spilling my vulnerability
Back then, before I knew it was an okay thing to do,
to be vulnerable, that is.

You've been gone almost six years, maybe seven
Less than a decade but a third of my life
I've spent the last trying to keep your memory alive in
my head, I never wrote you down on paper and
maybe I should have.

I ask for stories about you like pieces of candy,
a child begging on special occasion for a moment of sweetness
I want to know all of it, the good, the bad,
you lived a life that I am still trying to learn
fully.

You were supposed to see me that night
I didn't cry at your funeral
Nobody taught me that keeping it all tucked in
isn't a skill to be proud of it, but oh,
I was good at it.

I think about the huskies, the two of them,
how they kept you alive in a way
I'm getting one inked in a few weeks,
a portrait of your favorite kind of beauty
I think the artist can do it justice,
hopefully.

Uncle, we called you, followed by toy
You were more entertainment than authority and
we loved that more than anything
Uncle, I don't call you uncle anymore
I don't know if those titles can be used in past tense,
it feels weird so
I only say your first name.

I have so little to remember you by
Mostly stories and dinner parties and memories of
all of us jumping on the couch together
Uncle, you were, but child, still
Searching, searching,
lost always.

I am looking for a way to recall what I cannot
Uncle,
I hope you're proud of me.
Uncle,
All I have is this similar blood and the
memory of snow falling on that february day,
my boots making prints in your name,
Uncle,
A strange thing for me to remember, maybe,
but I do.

I could be anywhere with you.

I am very good at deciphering certain things about me
In fact
Most all my poems somehow turn out to be lists of what I am not and why you shouldn't date me
I am just now finding out that it's not the best way to seem inviting
Or welcoming
I have been wondering what would happen
If I were to pour myself out
Empty every last part of me
And then swallow the remnants
What would happen
If I were to leave myself an open door
A no questions asked scenario
Just accept things as they are
I am used to picking apart my insecurities
Used to throwing them at any pair of feet that walk towards me
But humans are not brooms
Are not there to sweep up my petals of doubt
To clean up the mess I've made so many times before
It gets old after a while
And nobody wants to date the girl
Who ***** her ghosts every night
Who still sleeps with depression on the side
I have purposefully highlighted every demon of mine
Made a point to wear them vacantly on my smile
My weakness is often mistaken for confidence
So I embrace it
Thinking maybe if I come right out and say it
The sharp reality won't cut my lip on the exit
My mouth is nothing but an abundance of canker sores
Formed from every time I've had to bite my tongue
To keep my words from falling out
My intention
Was to write something
That is not just another eulogy
For my inability to be vulnerable
But like most everything that leaves my hands
It is unpredictable
And not expecting return.

When he shows up at my door at 1:30 am, I do not hesitate
Instead invite him in with tired arms,
Make a conscious decision to sacrifice a night of sleep
to lie in the body of a boy on my too small twin sized bed
It was not made to hold another but
this heart was

His smile is summer in the marina and feels too much like the sunsets of
red and
purple and
pink

I want to bury myself in the sand next to him beneath
A sun too harsh for our pale skin to meet, one that
will leave us burnt and peeling and laughing at our human turned starfish bodies
I want to be surprised by the freezing that comes from
running into the ocean bare and unbound but
for now all we have are the sheets we are in
so we sink further into the memory foam

Too delicate and slow for my eagerness to grab onto,
He mentions the softness of my lips as they trace his
I laugh and say
“I try”
What I really mean is
“I hope I am enough for you”
His limbs stretch across the length of the mattress, mine fold to fit his
Our cohesion in this lack of space is a packed box and
I don’t mind the suffocation

I think to myself that
this intimacy right here
is exactly what I need,
to be touched like I am important even if it is just for a moment

I decide that this hour of holding before
his eyelids fall together for the remainder of the night
is worth the 10 hours I will spend not sleeping
His breath, heavy with exhaustion, overpowers the sound of my starving heart
beating for the music of his and
that’s completely fine

I am running out of ways to
tell him he is exactly
what I want

So I let him stay as an unspoken declaration of always welcome
I let him make my bed a home with the hopes that
in turn he will make one out of me

Buy her flowers
Not as a chore
Not to get on her good side
Not because you have to
Not because it’s what you’re supposed to do

Buy her flowers because
When you saw them in the store
They reminded you of her
And you couldn’t stop thinking about
The beauty they possesed

Buy them because
You live to see her eyes light up
And  the dimples in her cheeks when she smiles
How she turns her head
To hide the blush of her cheeks

Buy her flowers because you want to
Not because she wants you to.

I have been trying to stop romanticizing introductions
Attempting to grasp the reality
That not everyone I meet is a potential soulmate
My mind was just born open I guess
Conditioned to want to love at first sight
I am more so addicted to people than I am smoking
I have been trying my hardest
To keep my expectations low
Understand that not everybody has the intention of staying
I have had too many hellos turn into goodbyes
And
Too many hugs turn to leaving
I had been trying
To learn the opposite of welcome
Embrace temporariness with arms as wide as my eaget heart
So when we met
On a directionless sunday
In the living room you were calling home for the week
Know that
It took everything in my power
To not let down my guard
It wasn't until the quiet of the night
That I realized
I had already dropped
Goodnight turned to words to questions
To 3am caress
I was in your arms before I could even stop myself from letting go
But you
Are not the meaningless
One night momentary bliss I am used to
You
Are everything I have tried to avoid
For fear of losing again
I am trying to figure out how it is possible
That you are the kind of thing I'd been attempting to refrain from
Yet exactly what I want at the same time
You are the nicotine from the 5am cigarrette on your last night in town
Your goodbye serving as reminder to everytime I have been let down
But there was more hope in your seven letter goodbye
Than there is in any poem I have ever written
I am saying grace in a language that I still do not fully understand
And although both distance and time
Are two names that usually define ending
I see beginning
I see different
When we kissed
I could taste the promise of future on your lips
My hands spelled out in the creases of your back
Said exactly the same as you did before you left
Said please don't forget me
So please
Don't.

In a spur of curiosity, I read about Vincent Van Gogh
His life, death, and all that lay between
And in stumbling upon the knowledge of my sudden interest
I see that his last words were,

"This sadness will last forever."

The ache of them resonates all too well and
an overwhelming sensation of familiarity fills the cavity of my chest

I think about all the things that could of been said and
decide none of them would probably be sufficient to save him
But I still mourn the unspoken

If only I had the chance to tell him
No, it won't

If only I knew him to say
No, it doesn't

This sadness is not permanent, I promise
Yes it remains,
Yes it is still there always, living comfortably in the shadows of our figures
But you learn to see past it
I wish I could tell him that permanence does not exist
That it is an idea man-made
And we are simply living for today

It's funny, how someone who created so much beauty could not find any in himself
In painting a future, ending seemed more promising than hope
So in that wheat field his chest kissed the bullet of a relvover
And he walked patiently towards death

Van Gogh,
Didn't anybody tell you it gets better?
Didn't anyone say that even if it doesn't, you can?

Van Gogh,
Don't you know that nothing lasts forever?
That we are merely existing to make it to tomorrow?

Vincent,
I know this world can be cruel
I know that eventually flowers turn to dust and the sky turns black at dusk but even you could see stars in darkness
You made an entire galaxy out of the night and we are still finding ways to admire its beauty

Vincent,
I know the sun can be harsh some days
I know the air can be too cold for motivation on others
I know sometimes getting out of bed can be a battle with yourself, seeming impossible
I know how it feels to be heavy with the weight of too much
And I am sorry that you couldn't bare it all

But this sadness wasn't made to last forever
Flowers will regrow and bloom again even brighter than before
The moon still shines against a dim canvas
Winter is only temporary and the gloom will pass when the seasons change
Before you know it spring will be here

I wish you could have stayed to see it come,
It is the only certainty in this eternity.

This year I vow to change for the better but remain constant in my being. This year I vow to embrace this body, this skin, this figure, the only one I will ever have. I vow to love myself before I do anyone else. This year I vow to listen. I vow to be open ears and heart. This year I vow to be patient, to be still and trusting. I will not let the past spoil expectation. I will be as hopeful as I am eager for opportunity. This year I vow to not take health for granted, to appreciate the existence of it when good and accept the challenge when it is not. This year I vow to let nothing break me. Not disease, depression, or person. I will not fall victim to weakness. I will do my best to be as human as I can possibly be while also being understanding of human flaw. This year I vow to not judge. I vow to welcome the unknown with outstreched arms and a wider perspective. This year I will not hold on to mistakes with closed fists. I will let go of what is not meant to stay. This year I will try and do all of the things I've sworn I'd do a million times before. This year I will try again. This year I will try my best.

I think about how waking up
is an identical routine
after a restless night of shifting
The comforter meets the floor, there is
a single sock wrapped somewhere in the sheets
hair is tangled for a reason unknown
and everything in the bed somehow became a mess
This is how it is, always

I think about how not wanting to get up
usually follows the waking and
falling back asleep always seems like
a better option than getting out of bed
to face the world
but I do anyway, we do
anyway

But I think it would be easier,
this rise to consciousness,
if you were the alarm clock calling to a new day, if
your body were to lay parallel to mine and
the tossing meant I could catch you every time you turned
It would be a privilege to know your morning breath

It would be a privilege to forget your presence in sleep and then
wake to find you next to me

It would be a privilege to be yours the way it is
to watch the sun rise everyday while
knowing it will always set in the evening
there is comfort in predictability,
there is beauty in monotony,
and calm in knowing what will happen
tomorrow

I want my arms and legs
To know what it's like
To turn into vine
To tangle with yours admist bedsheet and skin
Want my eyes
To know
How to open up
To something other than darkness
Forget getting lost in despair
Have them get lost in yours instead
Want my shoulders
To know how it feels
To twist into something
Other than knot
To melt into smooth
Into comfort
Want my hands
To know
What warmth feels like
When it doesn't burn
Want my body
To know
How to let down its guard
How to mold from armor into flesh
From metal into cells
Back into human
Want my body
To learn to its ability
To hold on
Without fear
Of letting go
And I
Want to be able
To hold on
Without the fear
Of being let go.

Today I touched your hands for the first time in months
They were cold
You said winter was quickly approaching
I laughed
Because winter is something California doesn't know too well
But I do
I know the below zero temperatures
How we spent those nights huddled together underneath your sheets
When your breath was the only thing in the world that could keep me warm
I kept my socks on
I always did
You said it looked silly
But you didn't mind
I think we fought most when it was chilly outside
The weather being both a catalyst for an argument
And an excuse for me to spend the night
I spent so many with you that I lost track

Today I wondered where the time went
And gave up looking when I couldn't find it
I thought about how I used to tuck my secrets into your palms
For you to keep safe
I know you probably still have them
Wedged between your knuckles
Blue from the weather
And the lack of circulation
You told me you hated it
But the color of your skin when it is cold outside is my favorite
Everything about you has always been my favorite

Today I was next to you
But tomorrow I wont be
And soon enough I will be back on the other side of the country
I can't help but hope that you will still think about me
When you are stuck in the snow and the wind blows against your flushed cheeks
I hope you think about my hands cupping your face
And how they would shake
Just to be able to hold you there
I would risk shivering for your comfort anyday

I never told you this
But you are the only warmth I have ever known that doesn't burn at the touch
You are the only fireplace that I can lay next to without catching flame
You are the only summer that exists even in the middle of a Chicago winter
Yours is the only jacket I will ever accept when I forget my own
You are my warmth
So I am going to keep you close
For as long as I possibly
I am going to keep you close
As long as you want me to,
As long as you let me.

if
we **** like
we're in love and
we love like
we're just *******
?

I don't know
What your voice sounds like at 4am
Or how your hair looks
After a restless night of movement
Of midnight caressing
Of hands tangled in limbs
I don't know
The rhythm of your chest
The up and down
Or the pattern of your heartbeat
How it would sync up with mine
If our breathing would become concierto
Would become music
I don't know
How your lips would feel against my neck
How your stubble would feel brushing my cheek
Your warm breath
On my frigid skin
I don't know
How your tongue tastes
After it has been soaked in whiskey
After it has traced the outline of my own
I don't know
How your face looks in the morning light
Don't know
If your body becomes silhouette to sunrise
I don't know a lot
About what it is like
To be with you
But I think
I would like to.

What I would give
To wake up next to you
Bodies tangled vines
Legs wrapping around backbone
Skin stained from the previous night's hunger
From eager lips
What I would give
To have you run fingers down my xylophone ribs
Every morning
Play me into routine
Sing each note that leaves my lips
Each breathless hello
Each half whispered stay
Each please don't go
What I would give
To know the exact shape of your palms
Have them folded into memory
Making home in the dimples of my back
In the curve of my spine
Not allowing for goodbye
Reading only welcome
What I would give
To run hands through your hair
Through the saltwater aftermath
Through sand dusted in from the wind
From a day spent in beach sun
What I would give
To bury myself in the vacant parts of you
And never leave
What I would give
To fall asleep next to your mumbling
Next to your 3am curiosity
With your breath against my ear
And toes weaved together like the silk from our bedsheets
What I would give
Is not enough to shrink the space between us
Is not enough to turn distance into nonexistence
But boy,
What I would give
To have you next to me

I would give everything from the arch of my soles
To my abundance of freckles
To be with you

In order to be with you
I would give
All of me.

I'll know it's love when I am wedged between a line of cars on a busy street in the middle of a commute
listening to the radio and thinking about what food I have leftover in my fridge
or what the weather's going to be like tomorrow
this is when I'll know.
it'll happen suddenly
randomly,
an earthquake in the center of my Tuesday
somewhat of a surprise
like walking through a haunted house knowingly
the shock is inevitable but expected
or it might hit me
like a lightning bolt on a day with a vacant sky
like a bus when I cross the intersection without looking
okay
maybe not that violently
maybe it will be subtle
like the moon's descent into crescent form over time
like the evolution of freckles on skin from sun
quiet in its arrival but still apparent
it could occur to me loudly
almost like a revelation
but more like an understanding that has been building for months
growing inside this body of mine
I often bury feelings in my stomach
feeding them subconsciously until they become too full to cover with ease
love will come to me like a secret I have been hiding for weeks
pouring out like a confession I never wanted to give
I like to say that falling hard is a habit I've overcome by now
but I would be lying if I did

To say
that love makes itself known visibly
from the exact minute we meet someone
is not exact truth
but you'll know when it does
creeping out strategically into your routine,
love will settle in your bone marrow until it has formed into a disease

see I'll know it's love
when I go to search my wallet for parking meter change and I only find your name
when the empty in my bed grows too big for just my body
when every ring a cellphone hums reminds me of your laugh
when the onset of cold makes me miss the comfort of your holding
when I start to wonder what a life never knowing you would be like
when I can't remember how I ever survived on this earth without you
I'll know it then
and I'm not sure when that will be
It could be the last thing I think of as I fall sleep
or at 3:47 in the morning
I can't promise I'll be ready
or that I'll be waiting patient
love will come to me like a fear I've been afraid to say admit I have
but I will tackle it head on
welcoming with open arms
say hey, what's up, hello
I've got this
it might not be obvious
but I have been practicing my entire life
for this exact moment

Do not make false promises to a girl
Who is more familiar with letdown
Than she is herself
Do not tell her that you will call
When you know you wont
Her heart will begin to sync with ringtone
Skip with the sound of it
And drop every time it isn't you
When it is you
Do not say you will make it up to her
With tomorrow
And the next
She is still stuck on yesterday
Do not build her up with falsity
She has fallen too many times before
There have been too many disasters
Too many highs turned crash
And her heart becomes a lit cigarette
Burning down into nothing
She is not completely intact
And you are well put together
Do not take any of her pieces
You have enough as is
Do not give her any of yours
If you intend to take them back
Even if it is for one night
Do not love her
Or pretend to
It is much easier to fake intimacy
Than it is to erase it
Her skin is photographic memory
Every touch engrained within
There is no forgetting
So when you do leave
You will have left your mark

When she waits for you
She will do so eagerly
With patience
Her heart will skip too many beats
When you let her fall
And you are not there to catch her
She will learn to pick herself up
Brush off the dust
And move on
When you wait for her
You will know just how strongly
Time tugs on the heartstrings
You will hear her name
Every time your phone rings
You will see her everywhere
But she will not be there
She got tired of waiting around.

You say,
"This is awkward."
The way most people point out that it's raining.
It's obvious that yes,
It is.
Your hand is on the button and
your eyes are on the ground
and I'm waiting to go up while
you're waiting to go down and
it's funny.
I wonder why you find this so awkward
but I don't ask.
Maybe it's because you wear coward so well and I, lioness,
greet you well with grinning teeth and
confidence.
In this very moment, technology and
its failure have become
my new favorite
elephant in the room,
stomping about blindly,
pushing its trunk into the space between us,
I love this discomfort.
I love the tension thick as rope.
I love that you probably wish you could tie it around your neck right now.
I stare directly into you
because I love feeding the caged animal.
I am an intentional catalyst for your internal,
"Oh ****."
Is this what happens
when there is too much weakness
on one side for closure?
When the scales shift to the right
And the left falls completely?
Does it make you uneasy
that I still exist after you stopped talking to me?
bless this malfunctioning, how
I am grateful for the comedy
for these few minutes of entertainment
and your desperation hanging from your pockets,
I could see it clearly,
how awkward.

When you love someone who is not there
Your mind will learn to create
Draw images of how everything should be
Erase ones that depict how it actually is
Eventually you will forget what is real
And what is make believe
You will convince yourself
That you are not forgotten
And that even though you haven't heard from him in days
He still thinks of you
You will tell yourself
That you are still wanted
Regardless of the fact that you barely want anything to do with yourself
You will somehow believe that someone else does
He will not tell you though
You have to remind yourself that he is too busy
Too involved even for a hello
You will have to remember
That his life never intended on having you be part of it
And that you
Will probably never be a part of it
You will constantly be reminded of every time you were promised future
And your wanting for it will become unbearable
You will lay awake at night like you always do
This time tasting of more than just alcohol and regret
You will swallow your own tongue wondering why fate never seems to be on your side
Thinking maybe you were never meant to love in the first place
That meeting him was a mistake
You should have known better anyway
To fall for a guy
With a heart already occupied
You know all too well
That there is not enough room in one for two
And you are the tenant with the most vacant body
Stop trying to fill yourself with things that don't exist
You will need to recall
Every single time you have built yourself up
Your expectations piling above you
Never anticipating the crash
You always seem to be staring blank eyed
When everything around you crumbles into disaster
You learn to pick up the pieces
And glue them into something decent enough to look at
Your mind is still painting pictures
On a canvas that will most likely never be tangible
And you will be reminded of it when you're laying in bed
And your hands grab for someone who is not there
When you love someone who is not there
You will spend every second of the day
Searching for them in crowded rooms
When in reality
You know
They weren't there to begin with
And they probably
Never will be.

I could be heartless
I could reply with who is this
And some part of you would shatter
knowing that I have attempted to remove you from my life but
the truth is you are still on my phone as much as you are on my mind
There, but not given much attention
Sure, you exist, but only quietly

I think of you sometimes like when my toes are touching sand or
when I have a glass of maker's mark in hand or
when I hear your name in someone else’s mouth
But to be completely honest
I am not broken over this

So your hello comes a few months too late and mine from a few months before has been left without response
I could say hey I miss you too but
that would be considered a lie
Maybe I do now and then but mostly
I only miss you when there is nothing else to miss

Like a vague memory of something that used to sit in the corner of my room
I know it was there but I don't remember much else about its presence
I don't know what to say after it’s been almost a year
I waited for you, too long but
I am not broken over this
Summer has passed and another is coming,
Maybe I will find another you in the next

When you send me a text five months too late I will not be heartless
I will say hello like time hasn’t added pressure on the ache, like
maybe I could still love you the way I did yesterday and
some part of you would be whole knowing a part of me is living in the past,
where we are alive together

I am not the girl you marry
I am the girl who 10 years from now
Will out of nowhere cross your mind
In the midst of contentedness
And have you wondering
What happened to her
I am not the girl you swear forever to
I am the girl who you'll think of
When you ***** your finger on the diamond ring
You bought for the one you plan on spending your life with
I am not the girl you have to try to forget
I am not memorable
In any particular way
But one day you will think of me
When you're sitting in a bar
And the short blonde girl next to you
Orders a glass
Of whisky.

I make wishes on every eyelash
On each penny thrown into fountains
When the clock turns sticks
I close my eyes
And make another
I am a believer
But mostly
I just take every chance
I can get
Any opportunity
For a wish to come true
My wants
Are not complicated
Simple
Consisting of happiness
Contentedness
Wanting to feel whole
Without needing someone else to fill the gaps
I do not put my wishes into words
Only thoughts
My mind is filled completely
With ideas I've strung together
Hopes I've held on to tightly
I make a wish
Every chance I get
I have never seen a shooting star
But I've had eyelashes fall from my lids
And land on my cheeks
Enough times
To be able
To call it
The same thing
Wishes do not come easy
So I am taking
Every chance
I get.

I wonder
If you still read my writing
From wherever you are
Secretly hoping
That you're still the center of it
I know
You would much rather do that
Than actually talk to me
Would much rather read my words
Than hear my voice
After all
My name looks much better in poetry
Than it tastes in your mouth
And promises are easier to break
When you don't keep them close
I wonder
If you still think of me
Every night before you sleep
I wonder
If you know
That you're the reason I don't
My insomnia is too hopeful
And memory refuses to let me forget
I wonder
If you think of me
When you're holding her
If you long to know what I feel like
While you touch her
Does she know
That I almost slip off your tongue
Every time you open your mouth to speak
You kiss with confused lips
They are not sure if this
Is what you truly want
You will say her name loud enough
To drown out mine
Practice repeating I love you
Until you can say it with shut eyes
I wonder
If you see me when you close them
I wonder
If I am still in your ear
From conversation miles away
Maybe it was the bad connection
That made me want more
But you
You are still in my head
I planted you too deep and
Now I don't know how to dig you out
Rooted you in the trust I never knew
Pretended like it was something
I was used to having
I could have buried myself in it
But there is none left
And I am trying to figure out
How you are still growing without it
Still molding into optimism in my mind
I want to believe you'll come back for me
I know
That you stopped calling
For a reason
But a part of me is still believing
That it's only temporary
The only permanent thing you gave me
Was false intention
That I will use to twist into material
Into something I will write with
And I will continue to write
I can only wonder
If you
Will keep reading.

You make me want to
Set fire to everything
More specifically anything
That has to do with you

You make me want to
Tear off every piece of my skin
And pull out all of my hair
Just to strangle you with it

Okay
Maybe that is
A little bit
Dramatic

But you drive me
Absolutely insane

You are a bus
That I would willingly
Throw myself in front of
Just to get your attention
Although you would most likely
Keep going
Without stopping

You are so skilled
At pretending not to notice me
Talented enough
To paint my skin invisible
The way you look right past me
Is truly an art form

I am well aware
That I am not the only girl
Who plays marionette
To your puppet master hands
But I am the only one
Who is content
With having them around
My neck

You make me want to
Sharpie all of your faults
On to your forehead
For the whole world to see

You make me want to
Stand on top of a cliff
And proclaim every single thing
That is wrong with you
For the whole world to hear

Calling you terrible,
Awful,
And cruel
Is easy

But if you were to call me
At 2 am
I would probably still give in

I would drop everything
Just to see you
For a moment

I would sacrifice my pride,
My dignity
Just to spend a night
With your body

You make me want to
Do a lot of things to you
In more ways than one

And that is exactly
What the problem is

I don't hate you
But you make me want to
You make me wish I did.

If we are to ever fall in love, remember these things. Remember the things that make me laugh the most as I will need it when I am grumpy and in a bad mood, i have a love for bad jokes and anything ******* related, it is noted that I have the sense of humor relevant to a  12 year old boy. I was 12 years old when I first learned how to hate my own body. I mastered the art of dissonance while simultaneously shredding any sense of self worth from my paper skin, I was taught that I was not and never would be good enough. To this day, I still don't feel whole. Thats not to say I never will, I am constantly growing and learning to love my whole being. Still, when you tell me that I am pretty, or beautiful, when I am in your arms and you tell me that I have a perfect body and a loving soul, a part of me will not believe it. When you compliment me, I will lay there silent, not because I don't want to accept it, but because I truly don't know how. How you could possibly love something that has been broken so many times before, I will constantly second guess myself unable to believe that you are somehow capable of loving something as ******* up as me. I am always trying to ***** into place all of the pieces that define me, always checking to make sure that the glue i've used to put myself back together is still holding. Holding me in your arms will always be calming to me. I could be jumping out of my body but the moment that you rest your hands around me, I will fall quiet. If you remember anything, remember that touch is the one thing that can speak to me when nothing else can. Use your fingers to form words on my skin and your palms to send heat to the arctic places of my trembling frame. I am always trembling. But I am not nervous, rather calm with a disorder that causes my nerves to constantly spell out fear as if I am afraid. if I am afraid, I will not show it. I will hold it in because I was told at a young age that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness. But that is not always the case. The strongest moments I have are when I am face forward, naked soul, and crying. If you get the chance to see me cry, you are special. Remember that you are special. Remember that I can be happy too. Remember that even in the darkest of storms, the sun still lives on. Only in rain can we truly learn to admire clarity. I will be your clarity. When your vision is blurred and your ability to see is hazy, know that I will guide you through any fog that you encounter. I will not surrender until you force me to and even then I will refuse to give up. Astrology has told me that i am hard headed and strong willed. And ******* its true. I will walk to the ends of the earth for you before I give in, remember this. Remember that in my book, love is the biggest chapter, one that is constantly being scratched out and rewritten. Love is the part of my story that I have yet to figure out whether or not will ever be finished. Remember that I remember things far too well to ever forget you. I will not forget you. I will love you. Sacrifice my limbs to worshipping every part of you. I may not do what most lovers do. But most lovers don't remember the details. And the details make me who I am. So love my details, my imperfections, my lines, my freckles, love me like the way the stars admire the moons ability to be elusive. I am elusive, obsolescent, and desolated, yet I am free. But i can only be your moon if you let me. So please, let me be, your moon.

I think I could love you
Not perfectly
But I could
Time has never been on my side
And distance is a factor
That I'll soon have to wrestle with
But I think I could love you
Devote myself to learning
Every part of you
Which is
Easy enough
When you already know
All that I am
Tell me
Is it possible
To look at a daisy
Like it's a rose
After all
I have always said
That beauty is in perspective
So maybe
If you look at me differently
I could be
Your rose.

There's a lot you will never know about me
And there's a lot I will never tell you

You will never know what I am like at 4am restless, tossing and turning
My body tired, but my mind running in circles until it finally comes to a halt and I crash
I can easily fall
Over
Apart
And in love
But I still can't fall asleep

You will never know about my past lovers and the hearts I've built into home
You will never know how I've molded every moment into memory
I etch the details into staying longer than they should
I remember too much too well

You will never know the roughness of hands that have touched me and how their glass fingers left me scarred
I am skilled at pretending I haven't been stolen enough times to feel detached
I can make-believe love to you like I don't know pain
Like I know exactly who I'm with
But I keep the lights on for a reason

You will never know about how I feel
You will ask me every time and I will say okay
You will ask me if I'm okay and I will say yes because I don't know how to say otherwise
I don't want you to know that I'm not sometimes
Being strong is the only choice I have

You will never know my weaknesses
You will never know me vulnerable
You will call me tough like a compliment
Like being a force built of bricks takes any bit of courage
You will watch me chug whisky like water
You will tell me that it's impressive without understanding the power in being able to choose my own bitterness
And how much better it tastes on my own terms
You will watch me love nicotine, not knowing that I am capable of loving you so much more than substance

You know my middle name
You know how I look with your hands in my hair
You know my teeth biting lip
You know what I smell like
You have seen me without clothing
But there is a lot you will never know about me
And there is a lot I will never tell you
Because you'll never ask.