earlier this year I said something like


i used to drop people
which is half true, but more of a buffer
in case things fell apart and Jetsper told
me that he didn't care if I did, it was worth
getting to know me or something that sounded
that nice and I imagine he has the sort of new
car scent, or fresh laundry, something wholly
generic but pleasing.  I went about that
all wrong, i should never preface
friendships with my past
i don't drop people
i just peel their
names out of
my notebooks
afraid to confide
in any sort of
k i n d n e s s
because i know
they won't like
my secrets.

let's go back, you   &    I
for a momentwhetherwe
are who we are or who
we were then, with your
scotch bones and my hair
in the wind like a hundred
p a g e s out of the bible,
you               &                 i
and the parts of you that
loved me then come out
to play, to feel my two
years on your two years
as thin as breath, thick as
all the words we left
unsaid, that fall like
spoons in empty cups
lost in the chatter of
apology after apology
in smiles dropping like
warheads, but our silence
overcomes the ancient fights,
strings and tangled veins
all my lies are in order
all the things I only
sort of
told
you


i have dreams about confessing.

I'll stay awake all night
rubbing my ankles against your ankles
if that's what you want
Or I'll turn side ways
and let you slump your
scarred arm over my tired rib cage
if that's what you want
And if you feel like coming out of your skin
And if you can't lay still
we can take laps around your living room
if that's what you want
Or if your home doesn't feel like home
and you feel scared of
the pictures on your walls
then I'll drive until the sun comes up
and if the sun comes up
and the thought of pulling back into
your drive way makes your stomach turn
we can go to the city for the day,
I'll take work off
I heard there's a show
at the Electric Factory,
but if you can't be in a crowd tonight
then let's just sit in the alley by
my old place
and drink some whiskey,
pretend we're still gutter punks
like we were when we were sixteen
And if your eye lids start to feel heavy
but you're afraid to sleep
cause you can't swallow
the bad dreams and
what they mean anymore,
then you can rest your head on my shoulder,
I promise I'll whisper kindness
into your ear all night
so that all that's floating
through your skull
is laced in lilac and yellow
with no black spaces in between

we have no mutual friends
but you pop up under suggested
users. I never look you up because
i never want to know and I never
remember your last name because
last names mean aquaintances and
i'm not sure we were even that.

but you're in that little rack, a black
and white photo, you and a pretty face
she must be fantastic, she must go down
on you on the first date, promise to put
it in her mouth without even knowing
your mother's name, she must have
been swift at giving in, going under
submitting to your wrath hidden
under nice-mormon-boy-with-a-soccer-ball


or maybe those were just your standards then.
I'll admit to checking the social board and pretending I wanted
to be an English tutor, waiting for you to come out of Math 101,
a chance to talk tacked up with the rest of the pamphlets

And, I dunno, you seemed normal.

under the guise of study-buddy, math ****, in the name of grade A +,
we started with kisses and you made a beeline straight for calculus,
and I realized i didn't know how to say No. No. No.

No.

No. No.

Mike pins my hands above my head and tries to unzip my jeans.
it's dawning on me that for the first time in my life I am not as
strong as I thought, but I play my weakness off like a champ.
Have you ever not wanted someone to touch you? You feel it
in your spine, in my spine, in your ribs, in my ribs, the sanctity
of a body barring the doors and cowering in the temple, little
girls scattering for the edges and becoming shadows, engravings
and hieroglyphics.

He never gets there. He kind of gets there. You have things you want to preserve and others you don't mind sacrificing in order to be loved
or maybe just

prized.

Prized for a quarter until Mike is absent the last three weeks of Math 101, supposedly sick with Pneumonia. You offer to bring him soup,
heating pads? Bribes, on bribes on company. But you're just a towelette, not even full-blown dish rag, not even sure why i'm trying
not even sure how to say no to

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