here am i,
again
this place of quiet desperation
of lonely nights
of harsh realities
the likes of which i am unable to cope

and then there's you
the innocence of your eyes
the clever curve of your lips
the strong hold of your arms
with our fingers intertwined, the fear fades
when you hold me, the world seems small
and we kiss, and life is beautiful again

and it's here
in your arms
i feel whole again

he told me, he likes 'alternative' girls
i'm pretty sure he meant it as a compliment,
but it was not received that way.
don't get me wrong
there's nothing wrong with pursuing an 'alternative' lifestyle
or an 'alternative' style
or an 'alternative' taste in ******* men
but there's something wrong with being called an 'alternative' girl
i'm not sure when i transitioned from a person to a preference
or when my body became a fetish rather than a human form
like there is some stigma attached to the piercings in my ears
or the tattoos on my body
that means i must be a freak in bed
or that i must be totally down with casual ***
and not being called the next day
as if i didn't show you secret parts of me, and i don't mean my body
and being ignored when you see me in public
as if you never called me beautiful, and i almost believed it
and now you're sitting with your 'mainstream' girl
who is more approved by the onlookers to your average life.
despite how you may perceive who i am,
i will never be your alternative girl.

why can't i write about happy things?
i want to tell of love,
of breathless nights, and twinkling stars
of soft grass and beautiful sunlight
but the words will not come
the phrases don't string themselves together
all that i can tell of is the hurt
of the days of being lost and forgotten
of the loneliness that overwhelms me
i know this world is beautiful
but it won't reveal itself to me anymore

i overheard someone describe me today
an ugly word
a guilty word
****
they think they can define me by a couple bad nights
with this word
this *****, disgusting word
****
i thought i could trust
thought word wouldn't spread
until the word on everyone's lips was
****
people who i thought cared
who know me better than this
to realize i'm not just some
****
what i don't understand is
why everyone has the time to talk
about what ***** have been between my legs
yet they don't have time to learn
the thoughts between my ears
or the hurt between my ribs

last night i gave in
i told myself i wouldn't be in this place again,
but then there i was
one cold hearted message from you
and i was back
sitting in the bathroom, dull scissors in hand
letting the blood and the tears run together.
now my arm is marked
with all the pain that was previously unseen.
i can't deny my heartache anymore
as everyone sees it spelled across my skin.
i just wish this all would end.

someday

i want to fall

unspeakably

in love

with you.