i don't think you really understand
when i say that i need you.
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like a mechanic needs WD-40. how am i supposed to fix anything without you to smooth the rusty corners of my crooked work?
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like a plant needs the sun for photosynthesis. and even though a plant will bloom in artificial light, i need the authentic rays of your genuine beams
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like an artist needs paint. i'm here trying to create something beautiful but can't find anything beautiful within myself to build with
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like i need to listen to the same sad song on repeat, over and over, until every bone in my body is sore with the pain of the risk i'm taking by loving you

i can't help but wonder
if you kissed her the way you kiss me

romance is giving me the last bite of your sandwich even though it's the best part with the cheese running down the sides
romance is holding the door for me when your arms are full of books and papers
romance is playing with my ***** hair when i haven't showered in days because you know i love it
romance is patiently holding water to my lips when i'm too drunk to keep my hand steady
romance is giving me your last cigarette when i've had a long day, even though i know you won't be able to scrape together change for a new pack
romance is asking me to marry you with a key ring because that's all we have the money for because we're young and crazy
romance is sitting in the back of the car laughing at nothing because our eyes get so squinty when we're ******
romance is leaving what you're doing to come pick me up when i called you crying for no reason
romance is holding my hand and my head and my heart in silence when i can't find the words to express the chaos inside my own mind
romance is listening to me ramble about the same old ****, and caring just as much as when i told you the first time
romance is the way you smile when i'm sad, the way you cradle my head in your neck, the way you kiss me on the nose, the way you text me good morning and goodnight every day, the way you tell me you love me and mean it
romance is you, and me, together

the thoughts only flow with the liquor
my mind is only clear when it's clouded
free expression comes with a dose of self medication
releasing my inhibitions on the world
if only in the form of a sloppy poem

my mind is always running
in circles
around itself.
but today, i found peace
in the ring
of your laughter.

maybe one more cigarette will do the trick
maybe the smoke will fill my mind until there's no room left for these thoughts that i can't bury inside any longer. maybe it will choke out the memories of loves past and loves released. maybe it will **** the weary cells within me.
maybe one less meal will fix my mind
maybe depriving my body of the proper nutrients will **** out the hatred from my bones. maybe an empty stomach will provide an empty mind. maybe i will be so focused on my hunger that i won't be able to focus on regrets.
maybe another drink will solve things
maybe i won't remember any of this tomorrow, and i will awake with a fresh mind and a fresh start to this life that i've so gloriously ******. maybe if i could just forget for a moment, if i could just let go for a few moments, it will all pass away and the stars will shine again.
maybe a little more pain will make it leave
maybe by tracing this razor across my skin, the demons will flow out with the blood, ceremoniously intertwined together. maybe if i can just feel something, anything, i will remember that i'm still alive.
maybe one more kiss will take me away
maybe if we could just press our lips together, the pain and the guilt and the doubt will fade away into the bliss that is our love. maybe if you would just put your skin on mine, and i could feel your heartbeat, and your blood, and your life, then i will know that there is a reason i'm alive. maybe if you trace your fingers down my spine, i will know that there is a reason i'm here. maybe i will finally realize that i'm worth it, despite the evil inside trying to choke out any hope of my freedom. maybe if you could just hold me one more time, i will feel safe in my own skin again. and i will take back my body like a victor. and i will own my skin, and my hair, and my bones and my lungs and my heart, and remember them as the gift that they are. maybe i will win.
maybe

what kind of a boy
would love a girl
who does that
to herself